Keep at it @Unknown_111 You're awesome. Take care!
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Walking around and trying to stop pressing the self-destruction button.
- Thread starter Unknown_111
- Start date
Yesterday was hard still hurting from all the mental games played by others. But I had a moral victory when one of my bullies admitted that they had twenty years of experience on playing with my feelings. This it was an admission of how much low self-esteem issues I have suffered in the past years. The way it was said was like person needed to be awarded a medal of honour. It's could be described as a bloody valentine present delivered at 17:35 pm on the 14th February 2017.
It's hurts knowing someone could be so proud of such a life changing experience. Remember the first rule of banter is that if you can take it, then you don't give it.
I promise my story will continue as I face mental cruelty every day as I try to protect the ones I care for. Do I deserve such pain everyday ??? Some think I do, so then I will do so but with the strength to fight for my life....
It's hurts knowing someone could be so proud of such a life changing experience. Remember the first rule of banter is that if you can take it, then you don't give it.
I promise my story will continue as I face mental cruelty every day as I try to protect the ones I care for. Do I deserve such pain everyday ??? Some think I do, so then I will do so but with the strength to fight for my life....
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Yesterday, I stayed quiet but got upset when someone rephrased "LOL" to mean "Laugh Out Loony". I felt so ashamed but I continued with my day. I just laughed it off usual but I determined to continue living life. Such comments are very demeaning but I will continue to survive.
My life might be ruined in many ways but I will never give up my life. I complete the impossible promise and suffer everyday for the hurt I caused.
I promise my story will continue.....
My life might be ruined in many ways but I will never give up my life. I complete the impossible promise and suffer everyday for the hurt I caused.
I promise my story will continue.....
I have to write again. I got to work yesterday and I saw a young homeless couple who were sleeping rough and just wanted privacy. My heart went out and I gave them $5 dollars to ensure that they got a meal or something to eat.
I thought I could be like that as you one pay check away from becoming homeless.
I just stayed quiet whilst I still faced constant scrutiny from others.
I crashed last night but will fight another day to live life. I keep busy because it stops me suffering from suicide ideation all the time.
I promise my story will continue.
I thought I could be like that as you one pay check away from becoming homeless.
I just stayed quiet whilst I still faced constant scrutiny from others.
I crashed last night but will fight another day to live life. I keep busy because it stops me suffering from suicide ideation all the time.
I promise my story will continue.
I am still suffering mental torment from an individual who thinks it nice to play mind games. This person does not like it when I retaliate back. I keep the relationship civil as I have to work with my tormentors. It's not nice but I put up with it as its a walk in the park compared through what I have been through the past three years. I am keeping myself busy as to occupy my mind. I know that I will continue to suffer but I will protect the people I care which believe it not includes the identity of the third party because simply I care.
I will continue to respect everyone's privacy and live the each day on a "dog eat dog" basis. When I comment back others don't like a dose of their own medicine.
Today, someone got really upset and I tried to reason with them saying no worry but this person tried there best to calm down. I left a box of chocolates to surprise and make them realise that life is short to angry. It was a simple gesture to show others care and make them realise others care. I told another person about so it would not be a shock but a simple gesture.
I mentally tired but I promise my story will continue....
I will continue to respect everyone's privacy and live the each day on a "dog eat dog" basis. When I comment back others don't like a dose of their own medicine.
Today, someone got really upset and I tried to reason with them saying no worry but this person tried there best to calm down. I left a box of chocolates to surprise and make them realise that life is short to angry. It was a simple gesture to show others care and make them realise others care. I told another person about so it would not be a shock but a simple gesture.
I mentally tired but I promise my story will continue....
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Yesterday, individuals kept in their focus and commenting on everything. Constantly being the amusement of others. I let them take constant laughable abuse as I call it. I come to learn with it and the constant criticism for over working. I over work to keep myself occupied and stop from thinking about suicidal ideation. Now the approach these individuals are taking is the kind and friendly approach thinking I will let down my guard. Wrong I say as I will never betray this third party and I will keep my word. If this story is ever released to the masses then people will read how much I suffered. I was constantly verbally abused this time last year and that it is something I will never forget or forgive. I am not still at peace yet and perhaps I will never be unless I stop breathing when I ever decide to do that. I will continue to fight for my life and this impossible promise.
I keep saying these words. I promise my story will continue......
FOLKS PLEASE FIGHT LIKE ME, BUT IF I EVER DO FAIL THEN NO CAN SAY I DID NOT PUT UP A FIGHT FOR MY RIGHT LIVE MY LIFE...
I keep saying these words. I promise my story will continue......
FOLKS PLEASE FIGHT LIKE ME, BUT IF I EVER DO FAIL THEN NO CAN SAY I DID NOT PUT UP A FIGHT FOR MY RIGHT LIVE MY LIFE...
Today the day is going from good to bad but perhaps it's down to my own perception. It's true what they say about people who suffer from mental issues in that members of society shun people with such issues. Today, I was not even acknowledged by a person who I though was good. We might have our differences but I have always been told you always acknowledge your enemy with a "hello" and a "goodbye". Courtesy and manners cost nothing to each human being. At the end of the day people can consider me as "dogshit" as I am constantly reminded by looks and remarks. Perhaps it's might mind playing misconception games but at the end of the day I after all a human being even though people will think I'm utter scum.
I accept what I am but I will fight everyday for my life. I will forever be sorry everyday for the rest of my life but remember I kept my word and got to keep this impossible task. I have the drive and desire to achieve the impossible. You can laugh whilst reading this but I hope others punish me for what stupidly I became. I want my death to have wide repercussions for those who think I deserve to die.
I might at the hands of others (and no lie deservedly so !!!) but others can judge me by my words of conviction. Any twelve man jury can find my guilty for utter scum thing I did but did I remember I took my life for someone who thought I deserve too. I am prepared to do the ultimate sacrifice to show remorseful I am. I have no reason to lie as I write all feelings from my heart. I want these words to haunt those who tormented me to doing the ultimate sacrifice but I am determined to battle and fight for each day as its right thing to do. Also feel sorry for what I did for the rest of my life each day I live.
I don't deserve any happiness but this should go all to the third party. I hope and wish that happiness with good fortunes smiles on this person. From what I was told and shared will forever remain private and will never be revealed. Even it means it's me my life.....
When I get to hell, I will smile with fires burning that I kept my word...... Like they say secrets are kept and never told. Also promises can never be broken not matter how much hardship or heartache you suffer each day.
I promise again my story will continue..... Respect SF family....
I accept what I am but I will fight everyday for my life. I will forever be sorry everyday for the rest of my life but remember I kept my word and got to keep this impossible task. I have the drive and desire to achieve the impossible. You can laugh whilst reading this but I hope others punish me for what stupidly I became. I want my death to have wide repercussions for those who think I deserve to die.
I might at the hands of others (and no lie deservedly so !!!) but others can judge me by my words of conviction. Any twelve man jury can find my guilty for utter scum thing I did but did I remember I took my life for someone who thought I deserve too. I am prepared to do the ultimate sacrifice to show remorseful I am. I have no reason to lie as I write all feelings from my heart. I want these words to haunt those who tormented me to doing the ultimate sacrifice but I am determined to battle and fight for each day as its right thing to do. Also feel sorry for what I did for the rest of my life each day I live.
I don't deserve any happiness but this should go all to the third party. I hope and wish that happiness with good fortunes smiles on this person. From what I was told and shared will forever remain private and will never be revealed. Even it means it's me my life.....
When I get to hell, I will smile with fires burning that I kept my word...... Like they say secrets are kept and never told. Also promises can never be broken not matter how much hardship or heartache you suffer each day.
I promise again my story will continue..... Respect SF family....
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Right or wrong (who really knows?) but I don't believe Hell's fires await you - you're sorry, remorseful for whatever it is you've done. I've been taught that Hell doesn't have a place for those who are truly sorry & are trying to live a good, kind life. No, I don't believe there's a place in Hell for you
I hope you can find happiness in helping others if no where else.
Like everyone here, I found SF because I was struggling to find a way to survive. It's you, and others like you that make this place so special.
I'm pleased to read your story will continue & you sound so strong, but saddened that there seems to be little hope in finding the peace and calm I believe you deserve.
Take care.
Like everyone here, I found SF because I was struggling to find a way to survive. It's you, and others like you that make this place so special.
I'm pleased to read your story will continue & you sound so strong, but saddened that there seems to be little hope in finding the peace and calm I believe you deserve.
Take care.
One day I might find the light but I must continue my struggle to accomplish the impossible promise. I have made a heavy committment and I must honour it.
My friend this place saved my life and I must give every back every day of my life as it's the right thing to do. Well, that's what I think...
I hope you have a nice day.
My friend this place saved my life and I must give every back every day of my life as it's the right thing to do. Well, that's what I think...
I hope you have a nice day.
The weekend was hard as I got absorbed with cleaning. Yesterday, I cleaned gutters in the front and I feared for my ankle as I did not want any repercussions. I made sure the ladder runs were tried.
I might be repeating myself but cleaning the gutters made me feel like I was digging my own grave and it showed me how remorseful I was for what I became.
Also last Friday, the office cleaner who l lent money wanted new trainers and she gave me a budget of $25 to $30 dollars. I looked for a size 4 trainer and they needed to be either black or white. I got a mixture as she was relying me.
I gave them to her today and she really appreciated the kind gesture. She stated today her feet were wet. At least she could go home with dry feet.
I read post over the weekend here where it was stated that if you retaliate against those who don't like you, they don't like it. The theory worked as I was told to update where I was going on an electronic in/out list. Someone forgot to change their activity and when I stated something related to that it caused them to get upset. I said the statement in jest and straight away apologised for any offence I caused.
I again upset someone else who constantly says the word "dogshit" in reference to me. This statement still hurts me but I accept as I deserve it.
The worst aspect was that someone labelled a far worse terminology on the Internet which caused me to crash mentally back in July 2014. I had to call a helpline to stop from committing an act and cried all the way when travelling back from a long journey.
Today I split some porridge and described as doing it as for "showbiz" effect. The OCD kicked and I hoovered up the spillage.
Then later on, I was described a "twonk" for upsetting a couple of people. I told this individual that he can make it official through company procedures so that I can can be faced with disclinary action. The same person nearly caused me to commit the final act in September 2015.
Yes, again I battled through this like everyday of life knowing I that one day I will die at the hands of others.
At least I openly admit in this journal that I am sorry and trying to be remorseful. I still think my days of living are nearly over but I will never betray this third party because I made a heavy commitment.
I hope others who read please forgive who what I did and very truly sorry for the hurt I caused anyone.
Some may think I deserve to die, then so be it but at I am trying my best to redeem myself by helping others
To this day, I still don't use my mobile in my working environment as I have been told not to. It's ironic how others constantly use there phone as a distraction where I have been stopped doing it.
I still think I will lose my job due to some trumped up and planned action by others. I think I may lose my lively hood as result others. This is a walk in the park compared to what I have got to do and done in the past as the original promise.
I hope these words are printed for the masses to read. Remember there are two sides if the story.
I promise my story will continue as I have no choice because I want to live my LIFE
PLEASE LET ME BE THE INSPIRATION FOR OTHERS ON THIS FORUM...
I might be repeating myself but cleaning the gutters made me feel like I was digging my own grave and it showed me how remorseful I was for what I became.
Also last Friday, the office cleaner who l lent money wanted new trainers and she gave me a budget of $25 to $30 dollars. I looked for a size 4 trainer and they needed to be either black or white. I got a mixture as she was relying me.
I gave them to her today and she really appreciated the kind gesture. She stated today her feet were wet. At least she could go home with dry feet.
I read post over the weekend here where it was stated that if you retaliate against those who don't like you, they don't like it. The theory worked as I was told to update where I was going on an electronic in/out list. Someone forgot to change their activity and when I stated something related to that it caused them to get upset. I said the statement in jest and straight away apologised for any offence I caused.
I again upset someone else who constantly says the word "dogshit" in reference to me. This statement still hurts me but I accept as I deserve it.
The worst aspect was that someone labelled a far worse terminology on the Internet which caused me to crash mentally back in July 2014. I had to call a helpline to stop from committing an act and cried all the way when travelling back from a long journey.
Today I split some porridge and described as doing it as for "showbiz" effect. The OCD kicked and I hoovered up the spillage.
Then later on, I was described a "twonk" for upsetting a couple of people. I told this individual that he can make it official through company procedures so that I can can be faced with disclinary action. The same person nearly caused me to commit the final act in September 2015.
Yes, again I battled through this like everyday of life knowing I that one day I will die at the hands of others.
At least I openly admit in this journal that I am sorry and trying to be remorseful. I still think my days of living are nearly over but I will never betray this third party because I made a heavy commitment.
I hope others who read please forgive who what I did and very truly sorry for the hurt I caused anyone.
Some may think I deserve to die, then so be it but at I am trying my best to redeem myself by helping others
To this day, I still don't use my mobile in my working environment as I have been told not to. It's ironic how others constantly use there phone as a distraction where I have been stopped doing it.
I still think I will lose my job due to some trumped up and planned action by others. I think I may lose my lively hood as result others. This is a walk in the park compared to what I have got to do and done in the past as the original promise.
I hope these words are printed for the masses to read. Remember there are two sides if the story.
I promise my story will continue as I have no choice because I want to live my LIFE
PLEASE LET ME BE THE INSPIRATION FOR OTHERS ON THIS FORUM...
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...... Then surely to live your life is a good choice?
I have no idea what the promise is (nor do I really need to know) but IF I were to ask someone to do something and then thought it might cost them their lives, I would not expect that promise to be kept ..... ?
Yes I think you're inspirational (a little confusing, but that's OK too). I can read you're struggling, but fighting to be such a good example to everyone. Whatever you have done, I think your remorse, actions and continued good deeds should offer you some comfort.
I have no idea what the promise is (nor do I really need to know) but IF I were to ask someone to do something and then thought it might cost them their lives, I would not expect that promise to be kept ..... ?
Yes I think you're inspirational (a little confusing, but that's OK too). I can read you're struggling, but fighting to be such a good example to everyone. Whatever you have done, I think your remorse, actions and continued good deeds should offer you some comfort.
Thank you for kind words. It helps me a lot to survive on a day by day basis. I help others in order to show remorseful I am will ever be for the rest of life. What I have experienced has taught deeply that LIVE IS IMPORTANT AND WHEN YOU HIT ROCK BOTTOM, YOU FIGHT TO SURVIVE AS YOU HAVE NO CHOICE. YOU SURVIVE ON YOUR NATURAL ANIMAL INSTINCT.
I am going to live like this for the rest of my life as it's the right thing to do. I nothing special but going to try my best to survive.
I promise my story will continue ...........
I am going to live like this for the rest of my life as it's the right thing to do. I nothing special but going to try my best to survive.
I promise my story will continue ...........
I STILL think you're far too harsh with yourself! I don't think anyone can or should be expected to be remorseful forever, no matter what they've done.Helping others can be a reward in itself without the need to constantly punish yourself with, what I think might be 'toxic shame'. I genuinely believe you deserve to forgive yourself
I STILL think you're far too harsh with yourself! I don't think anyone can or should be expected to be remorseful forever, no matter what they've done.Helping others can be a reward in itself without the need to constantly punish yourself with, what I think might be 'toxic shame'. I genuinely believe you deserve to forgive yourself
One day, I will forgive myself but I must help others to see that life is important and nothing else matters.
Hello @Unknown_111. I really understand you. When i was young i did some awefull things. I feel guilty/shamefull and regretfull of these things. I dont think i will ever be able to forgive myself, but i try to...i dont know, make up for it, try to correct what i can and generally be kind and helpfull to people. I know it will never be enough, but i do what i can and hope that there is no jugement after death. Keep up the good work