Walking around and trying to stop pressing the self-destruction button.

[Unknown_111]

Today, I went back to the place but got a cold reception from two people. I could the atmosphere was no good and without causing offence, I walked away as its best to calm the situation , apologise and walk away like I have numerous occasions. In the end it cost me $25 dollars to go elsewhere in order to the impossible promise.

I am saddened by what happened to me but I have to think of the bigger picture. I was in the wrong, I apologised and walked away to keep the peace.

 

[Unknown_111]

On Tuesday, I was in a different local town where I met a young man who was homeless. He wanted 81 cents. My heart strings pulled again and I talked to him and he told me his story. I told him I will help him as much as I can. I gave him $5 dollars and he appreciated it. I shook his hand and told him I had a a lot of respect for him for what he goes through each day. Life is about caring for others and treating them with respect.

I just want to redeem my soul but that can only be done doing the impossible.

My story will continue...........................

 

[Unknown_111]

I am so down today as I turned around people's life except my own. People take advantage of my good nature (I MUST STRESS NOT ON THIS FORUM) or the young lad who,I have been helping. Everyone who I have helped have turned there life around but I suffer in my own life. I not crying for help but just writing my feelings down as it helps me to express the hurt and self-hate about myself. How can after two ever forgive myself for being so hurtful to another person who I cared about and still care about today. I know there is no future between us but I just want to simply sorry for what I became in October, November and December of 2014. I don't think I ever recover and my life has totally being upside down by the third party.

I would only ask for forgiveness and cry for the hurt I caused to this third party. I hope when they read this passage, they realise I suffer everyday and may it continue.

Thank you reading, my story continues.

 

[Unknown_111]

Yesterday, I was told to "f$$k o££" but I stood my ground and defended myself. I have been a weakling for a long-time and being the "butt" joke of the working environment. The constant over-supervision is getting to me and constant over-bearing analysis of my behaviour is taking its toll. I was described as a perpetual "three-year-old" but I told this person that they were entitled to their opinion which I thought was the best tact.

Last night, I went back to the town to see a friend who received some devestating news. I supported him by giving sympathy and a coffee latte. He had not slept for three days but he remained strong and inspired me to continue my life. He stated that he laughs at the impossible promise and he stated at least I will die under naturally causes trying to achieve this. I had a box of smokes and gave it to him to help in his pain. I said that I will support him and help him get through this tough period.

I got some cakes and dished them out to the homeless. One person had not slept for two days and I helped him by buying an energy drink and wipes to keep his hands clean. I saw a woman who was struggling and just being on the street just recently. She was reading a book. She needed money and needed $16 dollars for a safe night. I asked her story but she was close to tears. She stated it to was domestic and I did not push it. I decided to give her $10 dollars so all she needed to raise was $1 dollar which she was going to. I walked away and hoped her a safe night. Again my heart strings pull to help others whereas I cannot be kind to myself. To me it shows that doing good will get me some credability or at least me get strong through my personal crisis. Helping others is my destiny and my story continues......

Thank you reading this post. Please be inspired as I personally struggle on a day to day that LIFE IS IMPORTANT AND THAT ALSO MEANS YOU. LET ME TAKE YOUR PAIN AS ITS IMPORTANT WE SHARE AND SUPPORT EACH OTHER ON THIS FORUM.

 

[Unknown_111]

The weekend was terrible as I got into an argument about a parking spot. I explained by reasoning and as ever apologised for if I was considered for being inconsiderate. I think the apology had fallen deaf ears and been ignored. I over parked on a public road and decided to park elsewhere in order to keep the peace.

I over worked myself this weekend which caused me heart papulatations and it meant trying to relax the rest of day. I literally thought is my last day on earth. My heart is still racing now but it take days to recover.

My story will continue.....

 

[Petal]

((hugs)) You are such a good person hun, maybe get the heart palpitations checked over by a doctor or nurse? What did you do to try and relax? just curious

 

[Unknown_111]

((hugs)) You are such a good person hun, maybe get the heart palpitations checked over by a doctor or nurse? What did you do to try and relax? just curious

Thanks Petal for the kind words. I rested all day and eventually my condition calmed down. I was able to eat day for the first time. I spent all day drinking water and cleaning out my system. On the other hand, I criticised for talking too quietly and the constant behaviour analysis. I explained that I was not well but that was totally ignored. I continued to work whilst I suffered in silence.

My story continues...

 

[Unknown_111]

Yesterday, I helped someone who was hurting. I tried to motivate them by telling them strong things. I totally understood this person and their pain. I walked away from this person who was really hurting. I left a surprise on the mirror of their car and it had the desired effect. It was a nice surprise and was the tonic the person required.

Today, I had to talk about the truce. I spoke to the person who expressed their concern and asked me to see my doctor. I wanted to tell this person truth but had to keep it together. The self-hate is so apparent in that all I want to say sorry to the third party. I hope when the third party reads this they realise that I am going through the pain barrier mentally and physically in order to show I am so remorseful about the pain I caused. I will go and seek medical advice but the self-hate cannot be driven away overnight but only completing the impossible. I won't do anything stupid but try to channel my anger into positive actions by helping others. How can I ever forgive myself until I complete the impossible. No one will understand what I went through but writing my feelings tells others I am remorseful and I would never betray this third party.

Whatever, I am going through does not matter, but I hope from the bottom of my heart the third party is happy and smiling everyday. People who read this might find strange in feeling but you will understand my thought process. What I have been through and still going through, you learn that life is about forgiving others who trespass against you (sounds like a pray) but I MUST STRESS THERE NO REVENGE PLANNED. I sound like a record but I must keep writing to tells other life is about living and not causing anguish to others.

I will help others as its the only way I can redeem myself to my haters. I know my haters hate me with the contempt I deserve but I hope my death when it happens they will might forgive me. They may realise that my death was in vain and that I did do the promise. I kept my word, did do the promise, apologised my leaving messages and still do this day feel so feel very remorseful everyday. I know when I meet the third party, I will completely breakdown and beg for mercy. The tears of remorse will never end until I am forgiven by them.

My story and the pain I feel within will continue.....

Thank you reading my passage and please take note, I feel your pain as well as I try to achieve the impossible..

 

[Bath]

I want to thank you immensely for sharing all of this. It's all extremely relatable although the specific instances are unique to you the emotions are so real and I get it, I really do. I can tell through reading all of this that you are a beautiful person with a beautiful mind and heart that doesn't deserve this suffering at all, you are so strong. Thank you again for writing all of this down, your thoughts and experiences are being heard. s*

 

[Unknown_111]

I want to thank you immensely for sharing all of this. It's all extremely relatable although the specific instances are unique to you the emotions are so real and I get it, I really do. I can tell through reading all of this that you are a beautiful person with a beautiful mind and heart that doesn't deserve this suffering at all, you are so strong. Thank you again for writing all of this down, your thoughts and experiences are being heard. s*

Thank you for the kind words. They mean a lot and encourage me to live another day. I hope I help you battle through the pain you feel. I want to inspire others that what you are going through that the spirit of human kindness can has greater power than resorting to the final commitment. The final commitment is the ultimate sacrifice when nothing else can resolve the situation. Everything can be redeemable whatever you are dealing with.

My story continues.....

 

[Unknown_111]

Last night, I went to a local town and had some smokes. I met another homeless who was and begging for money. I has a box of smokes and initially gave him five smokes. After speaking to him , he told me his story where is missus was in prison and he was fending for himself. I gave him the box of smokes and told him my story. He understood and I stated that I might have everything but when I loose everything and I know deep down, I will become homeless as I expect to, I wanted to be welcomed among the "family" where you help each other. He stated that I will be welcomed as for the help I give. I told him I have respect for him and he said it was mutual.

I know one thing, I may have everything today but who knows tomorrow , one day next week or in years to come I will loose everything but not my life. I will be welcomed into my new family. People will walk past me and no doubt shout abuse and spit at me which I deserve as. I know. But my caring nature to the homeless with now will help me easy the hurt I feel. Like I say to one thing to others. " YOU ARE BORN WITH NOTHING AND YOU DIE WITH NOTHING". I need to maintain my life score hand when I go to burn in hell as my profile says
"SOULLESS AND HELL-BOUND".

My stories continues.......

 

[Brian777]

Last night, I went to a local town and had some smokes. I met another homeless who was and begging for money. I has a box of smokes and initially gave him five smokes. After speaking to him , he told me his story where is missus was in prison and he was fending for himself. I gave him the box of smokes and told him my story. He understood and I stated that I might have everything but when I loose everything and I know deep down, I will become homeless as I expect to, I wanted to be welcomed among the "family" where you help each other. He stated that I will be welcomed as for the help I give. I told him I have respect for him and he said it was mutual.

I know one thing, I may have everything today but who knows tomorrow , one day next week or in years to come I will loose everything but not my life. I will be welcomed into my new family. People will walk past me and no doubt shout abuse and spit at me which I deserve as. I know. But my caring nature to the homeless with now will help me easy the hurt I feel. Like I say to one thing to others. " YOU ARE BORN WITH NOTHING AND YOU DIE WITH NOTHING". I need to maintain my life score hand when I go to burn in hell as my profile says
"SOULLESS AND HELL-BOUND".

My stories continues.......

Bless you my brother, you keep on going helping the ones society has ignored and cast aside. I'm proud to call you friend.
Brian

 

[Unknown_111]

Yesterday, it was tough I was told keep quiet by a certain person and I was stayed quiet all day. It's not nice when others keep criticising your behaviour and tells you stayed quiet. I feel like a human dog on a lead. The constant criticism is not nice and when I defend myself they don't like the reaction. I managed to keep my cool but I am determined to live life.

Yesterday, I met the man on the bridge who was hurting and I gave $5 dollars and told him that he inspires me to keep living and his support was invaluable. He wished me a good day but I crashed severely yesterday.

 

[Unknown_111]

Today, I talked to man who was poor appearance and he told me that he was spending last $5 dollars on milk, bread, coffee, bag of sugar and cakes. My heart strings pulled again and I offered to pay as money to be means nothing and I thought his smile on his face was priceless. The cakes were 50 cents, bread was 45 cents, milk was $1 dollar and the bag of sugar was 59 cents. In total, I spent $2.54 cents to brighten someone's day.

He told me was going to treat himself on his last five dollars on smokes and soft drinks. I cheered up a man and he appreciated. The self-hate is immense still but I am going to live another day.

My stories continues.....

 

[Unknown_111]

In the evening, I went to the local and met my friend again. I watched people dressed and being merry for Saturday evening. I cannot enjoy such moments but all I can do is help the forgotten people. It my redemption on this planet called "Earth" and I bought the same man a choice of chick icon and fries or a hot chocolate. He decided the latter and I brought him a $1.49 cents drink. He thanked me but was desperate for smokes. I told him that I promise to get him the smokes next time.

I saw the homeless man and his dog on the bridge. My heart pulled again, how can I let this man go hungry. Again, I gave him $10 dollars. He was reluctant to take it but I had to reassured it was OK as one day I will be homeless and I wanted to remembered for being as caring and not the darkened soul what I became two years ago. The chain reaction I want to start is to help one person and move on the help to the next person. Life is not about hurting others but simply caring. My thought process might be wrong and whilst I put a false facade of bitterness, anger and grudges the hurt I feel is still raw as ever and not for me. It's for the pain I caused ( yeah the obsessiveness has kicked in, I know) to the third party. I cannot give any details about this third party as they think I would betray them but I write my story in order to show this third party I am the most trustworthy person they would ever know and I truly from the bottom of heart did and funny enough care more about them as a fellow human being and nothing more.

I caused unnecessary hurt which is not like like me but I still the feel deep anguish to this moment in time. I will carry this burden for a long time and it might be for enternity. If it's for my entire enternity, so be it then. The third party will be gobsmacked and will realise how much I cared and will never know my feelings. There is NO MORE feelings of anger now as l live for each day as this whole life changing experience has told me that LIFE IS IMPORTANT. I appreciate life the each time I breath in the air on this planet.

PLEASE LEARN MY EXPERIENCE AS LIFE IS IMPORTANT. Every word I speak comes from the darkened and soulless heart I have.

My story will continue......

 

[Brian777]

In the evening, I went to the local and met my friend again. I watched people dressed and being merry for Saturday evening. I cannot enjoy such moments but all I can do is help the forgotten people. It my redemption on this planet called "Earth" and I bought the same man a choice of chick icon and fries or a hot chocolate. He decided the latter and I brought him a $1.49 cents drink. He thanked me but was desperate for smokes. I told him that I promise to get him the smokes next time.

I saw the homeless man and his dog on the bridge. My heart pulled again, how can I let this man go hungry. Again, I gave him $10 dollars. He was reluctant to take it but I had to reassured it was OK as one day I will be homeless and I wanted to remembered for being as caring and not the darkened soul what I became two years ago. The chain reaction I want to start is to help one person and move on the help to the next person. Life is not about hurting others but simply caring. My thought process might be wrong and whilst I put a false facade of bitterness, anger and grudges the hurt I feel is still raw as ever and not for me. It's for the pain I caused ( yeah the obsessiveness has kicked in, I know) to the third party. I cannot give any details about this third party as they think I would betray them but I write my story in order to show this third party I am the most trustworthy person they would ever know and I truly from the bottom of heart did and funny enough care more about them as a fellow human being and nothing more.

I caused unnecessary hurt which is not like like me but I still the feel deep anguish to this moment in time. I will carry this burden for a long time and it might be for enternity. If it's for my entire enternity, so be it then. The third party will be gobsmacked and will realise how much I cared and will never know my feelings. There is NO MORE feelings of anger now as l live for each day as this whole life changing experience has told me that LIFE IS IMPORTANT. I appreciate life the each time I breath in the air on this planet.

PLEASE LEARN MY EXPERIENCE AS LIFE IS IMPORTANT. Every word I speak comes from the darkened and soulless heart I have.

My story will continue......

My friend, the good and compassion you show to the forgotten hurting souls will send ripples of love throughout the Earth.
I respect you and care fore you.
Brian

 

[Unknown_111]

Yesterday, I went to see the doctors and the medication was administered to help to stay calm which will help me move forward. The feelings are subsided but I still battle with the mental and physical strain.

I went back into the town yesterday to ensure my dear friend was ok and recieving such profound news. I shared some smokes among the homeless who appreciated it. One said that I had a caring soul but the pain of that statement killed as my soul is stained and darkened still to this day. I met my friend last night and I gave him five smokes. He wanted a caffe toffee flavoured latte with loads of sugar which he loved. It helped him to cope with the hurt he was feeling.

We talked and I made him laugh at my impossible promise. It helped him in the pain he was suffering. He told me that he had not eaten for three days to which my answer was to buy him a simple $2.49 cents meal. The person needed food whilst dealing with his own pain. As my friends hides his hurt, all I can do is help and support him in his pain. I feel his pain as he has been great support to me and all I can do is to return the favour.

To me it shows that helping others is my destiny and so be it. As I suffer everyday with my own anguish, I will taken on everyone's pain in my life and on this site to self-punish myself to complete the impossible promise. I must do it in order show others that the human spirit is strong and we can resolve any situation through the power of kindness and care. Like on many occasions, I want to leave a journal for others in pain and start the chain reaction that the final commitment is not the answer. When you have nothing left, including your soul and self-respect YOU HAVE TO DIG DEEP FROM WITHIN AND GRASP THE EDGES OF THE MOUNTAIN OF LIFE TO MOVE FORWARD ON A MINUTE BY MINUTE BASIS.
I AM CLINGING ON THIS MOUNTAIN OF LIFE BY THREE FINGERS BUT IM DRIVEN BY YOUR FOLKS TO LIVE LIFE. WHILST ON THIS LIFE JOURNEY I WANT TO TOUCH OTHERS AND HELP THEM TO MOVE FORWARD IN REALITY AND HERE........

Again, thanks for reading. My story continues..............

 

[Unknown_111]

Yesterday, was a quiet day where my behaviour was again questioned but I rebuffed back and stated that the over scrutinising was appreciated but not required. Earlier someone recognised that I was mentally being bullied but was told to keep to myself and be completely ignorant. I stayed quiet and continued with my work. I broke down on my home but I some how found that motivation to get up and live for another day.

My stories continues......

 

[Brian777]

Yesterday, was a quiet day where my behaviour was again questioned but I rebuffed back and stated that the over scrutinising was appreciated but not required. Earlier someone recognised that I was mentally being bullied but was told to keep to myself and be completely ignorant. I stayed quiet and continued with my work. I broke down on my home but I some how found that motivation to get up and live for another day.

My stories continues......

You're a better person than your abusers. Take care my friend

 

[Unknown_111]

Today was a better day but I crashed heavily as I was so desperate to contact the third party by phone but my head said just ring and just say "SORRY" but my heart over-ruled me. My heart said to me "DON'T RING" because I did not want cause any duress by raking up the past. I also did not want to destroy this person's happiness or confidence. I rather live a life of misery for the rest of life which I truly deserve whilst I help others to find their light.

I hope when my times occurs my death is swift or a awful one where I do not suffer. The medication I started this week has really subdued my feelings. I sit here alone in the dark uncertain of my future. I made an impossible commitment but it's the only one of two things I live for. The other thing, I cannot say as its personal between myself and a precious person who I truly care about. This person asked me sincerely, never to leave them alone. I made a heavy commitment and will keep this promise to this precious person. I have learnt that revenge is not the answer but being understanding and compassionate. I do want to make enemies with anyone but just be a happy go-lucky person.

I down but still here to continue my story.........