Walking around and trying to stop pressing the self-destruction button.

[Unknown_111]

The past day has been tough as I was kept being reminded of the word "dogshit". I feel like that everyday and the people who want to treat me like this do so. I will never let my guard down and never break my silence for the third party. It does not matter who much abuse these people give me. Trust me that I will continue to suffer but the promise I made will be honoured.

I hope my everyday of life is hell and I hope others read this knowing how much I suffer today and over the past couple years and to this day. But I know one thing I will honour which is that I will never betray this third party. I know I will suffer in the next couple of weeks from certain bullies but I am going to take it my stride as I have in the past. I have found the urge to live again even though I go through he self-cycle of suicidal tendencies.

I promise my story will continue..........

 

[Unknown_111]

I am compelled to write again in order to express my feelings and try to remove the thought of the "final committment". Like I say so often this forum keeps me alive whilst I still grip on this mountain of life by four fingers whilst I hear the sounds from hell calling my name to join them. Some might say I deserve death whilst I keep staring at death in my face everyday not knowing whether I get live another day with this fragile state of mind.

If I deserve death then fine but this memoir must be read by everyone knowing I suffered dealt at the hands of others without me taking any form of revenge to anyone. When I join hell eventually, I want others to read this and realise their hell will begin after my death. I hope the parties involved take pleasure in knowing that I suffered but I used my life-changing experience to help others to overcome or reconsider the thoughts of the "final committment".

I might damned by others but at least I faced the courage in completing the original task that was asked of me by the third party. To this day, I know I carried my scars without any malice and keeping my word like a true piece of "dogshit" and "scum". Like they say where I come from. "Once scum, always scum".

I might be "scum" but I have learnt to be tolerant and try learn the process of self-heal through the acts of kindness. When you do something kind it should leave you with a purpose in life. With every ticking second passing byI know that I will leave a written legacy here for others to read who much I suffered.

Everything I write is not rehearsed but from my darkened heart, I might walk this on earth ground very 'soulless' but I shed tears now knowing I caused this third party heartless heartache. No one will never know the secrets we shared as I vow never to reveal them but to punish myself everyday because I simply care.

I know that some may say I should forget but how can I forget knowing I really hurt this person who deserves all the happiness in the world, I hope I am totally forgotten about but I know that I will never or even after my death be at peace in my lifetime or the next life. I still even since my last post to live another day

 

[Innocent Forever]

Hugs...

 

[Unknown_111]

Hugs...

Thank you for your kindness. It means a lot knowing someone understands my suffering I put myself through everyday. Hugs back to YOU.

 

[Unknown_111]

Many describe me as a caring person which at heart I am but whilst I have this dark cloud over me, I must make peace with my past. Like many people we all have life closets where we keep are inner darkest memories and throw the mental key in darkest thoughts. I questioned myself the most important question about "death". I smell the invisible smell of death everyday knowing that today or tomorrow could be my last day. I know whatever time I have left I must try to help others see that life itself is very important and we must help anyone in life.

If my death comes soon I know many others can read these passages knowing how much I cared about others whilst suffering complete mental and physical exhaustion. Many can call whatever they want to but remember I never took any revenge. I don't expect any forgiveness or sympathy.

I nearly took my life for a $7.99 dollar gift. I cry about this every time. I just hope I one day I could die with my soul intact before I take my one ticket to hell. Hell will be final destination as I caused a fellow human being who was ever just kind to me. This person gave me their trust and confidence which I vow never to break even it means me losing everything including my life.

If I ever take my life I know I helped others to see help and care for one another.

The tears still shed now ever since I joined thus forum. I life on a day by day basis caged in my own mind cage depressed everyday. I can honestly say this forum saved my life and does everyday. It helps to sooth the hurt I feel within.

The tears might stop on the outside but they will forever cry I side for the rest if life. I know I deserve to suffer but I no longer fear death like I have said before.

I hope I am still here this time next year and if not others can read these passages learning from my personal fight for life that I suffered at the hands of others. I lay down in a bed of roses where the thorns penetrated my heart and cause the hurt to flow.

My mind is still in a fragile state to this day with the amount of distress someone nearly caused me to take my life.

I promise YOU this my story will continue until I draw my last breath........

 

[Unknown_111]

I have to write again as I suffer to this day with mental torture in mind where I am crawling to the walls through the pain I have endured in the past three years. The same day exists as well as the routine where the verbal jokes are really mental onslaught I am suffering.

I hope thousands of others will read these passages to see how much I suffered at the hands of others. At Ieast I can say I never took any revenge against anyone who had scared my character and goodwill with such labels. I still cry to this today for the hurt I caused.

I know my pain will never end and I am only destined to one destination. I just want to recapture my soul before I let go of the heavy mental chains chained in my mind and metaphorically binded by my legs. I hope justice for me is swift and a painless before I enter the gates of hell.

I know I will scream from the fires of hell and cry at the same time, where no one can see, hear or feel the pain I endure everyday. When it my time to go, I know I have a written journal for EVERYONE to read. If I have saved one life then I have served a purpose. I might lose everything but I just want to regain the soul I lost for hurting a fellow human being.

I write in this style in order to show full remorse where I know I would completely breakdown at the feet of the third party. I don't know if I would be forgiven but if not the remorse I show everyday shows how so sorry I am and how my mind is in a very very fragile state given what I have been through. I would let the third party hit me without any reaction from me because it release the pain they have endured as result of me.

I hope like all of us, I survive another day as ever. I must just helping others as its my chosen career.

I promise my story will continue....

 

[Coeur Brise]

I have been inspired by your story and hope I can find the strength that you have to continue on after a tremendous heartbreak has left me broken. I would like to also help others and redeem myself for the selfish life I have lived. I don't know how my story will end, I think about ending my life every day. I am weak. I don't know how I find myself in this position. I never would have thought one bad decision and someone using me could push me to the brink. I pray that I don't do the unthinkable. I also pray that you find some happiness in your life and journey. Maybe we could talk.

 

[Unknown_111]

I have been inspired by your story and hope I can find the strength that you have to continue on after a tremendous heartbreak has left me broken. I would like to also help others and redeem myself for the selfish life I have lived. I don't know how my story will end, I think about ending my life every day. I am weak. I don't know how I find myself in this position. I never would have thought one bad decision and someone using me could push me to the brink. I pray that I don't do the unthinkable. I also pray that you find some happiness in your life and journey. Maybe we could talk.

Please PM and I will help YOU in your struggle. YOUR struggle is also my struggle. Take care and most important be safe my friend.

 

[Lara_C]

@Unknown_111 , I have read up to page 25 of your thread, and just wanted to pause to say your willingness to suffer forever to prove your remorse shows great love for the person you hurt, and I only wish you would look up more to the monument of love you have built to this person, than downwards to the pain of the past. Given your deep remorse and love, I cannot imagine how this person could possibly fail to forgive you, or that they would want you to suffer such agony for the rest of your life for your mistake.

 

[Unknown_111]

@Unknown_111 , I have read up to page 25 of your thread, and just wanted to pause to say your willingness to suffer forever to prove your remorse shows great love for the person you hurt, and I only wish you would look up more to the monument of love you have built to this person, than downwards to the pain of the past. Given your deep remorse and love, I cannot imagine how this person could possibly fail to forgive you, or that they would want you to suffer such agony for the rest of your life for your mistake.

I am willing to suffer for the rest of life because I simply care for the hurt I caused. Each day I suffer I know I can survive the best day. I others to learn from my life changing experience, YOU HAVE TO FIGHT FOR LIFE WHEN THE CHIPS ARE DOWN AND NO MATTER WHAT YOU ARE FACE WITH.

Thank you for kind words as I really appreciate it from the bottom of my hurt. You given a reason living for tomorrow. I will take words to hurt and remember then when I breakdown the next time for the hurt I caused. My life might be hard but I must keep my word and achieve the impossible promise.m

Clair. YOU take care of yourself and remember one thing, YOU also matter as well.

I promise my story will continue.......

 

[Lara_C]

Thank you @Unknown_111. Whenever I think of you, I am going to hold in my mind the wish that when you are overwhelmed by the hurt, you feel the love alongside it, and allow your heart to open completely to its healing power.

 

[Unknown_111]

Everyday of my life seems to be my last day as I try to find the energy to live another day. It's very hard at the moment as everywhere I go I am looking at possible methods of doing the "final commitment ". If I have to do the ultimate sacrifice I will do it to show how remorseful I was and still am.

When someone pushes to the boundary of life YOU have dig deep and with mental torment from inside pushing you to do the final commitment YOU have to FIGHT for YOUR LIFE and anyone your care for. I care for everyone including the members on this forum to do the final commitment.

People need to realise when YOU push people to far they need to realise their actions have to far and need to realise that life is more important than materialistic or monetary values. I ask the question "Can YOU put a price on someone's LIFE?" Whether it's a dollar or a fifty bucks but the answer is always going to be simply "NO".

I hope the people who laugh at my demise continue to laugh but remember there will be a time in your life where YOU all will be heeding my words through your own souls and will know the pain I still suffer on a daily without any malice towards them.

Perhaps I cannot heel the past but still living on a day to day basis is my only future. I cannot plan anything for the future but live day by day and help others on this forum. I might never find the light in my lifetime which I have now come to terms with but before I go I do my little bit in the world. I do my bit on this forum to help others as I walk everyday knowing that I hurt sometime so had a lot of faith in me.

I am so sorry for the hurt I caused but I never betray this person no matter how much pain I cry or suffer. Life is not about hating but showing kindness. Having seen people hurt in my life why cannot this world have a little piece and harmony?

I might live in my little world but all I want to do is to bring a little ray of sunshine and happiness to this world. I might live in darkness for along time but all I ask others is to help each and exchange smiles.

I promise my story will continue. ..

 

[Unknown_111]

I am compelled to write again as my life no longer matters but I suffer the pain I caused fellow human being. I know I might suffer everyday but I cannot and will never betray this third party who only ever showed me kindness. I know I really hurt this person but I want to say sorry on a face to face basis as it help me heal my soul before I do the "final committment" with the shame that is tattooed on my worthless life. I will forever cry in my heart tears of sadness but I made a massive committment which I honour because I always keep my word and determined to suffer the daily anguish I deserve. I don't want sympathy from anyone but tell and show others whatever pain we go through we must try to remember life is very important and nothing else sacred more than life is. Life itself is more powerful than money.

Many say money can buy your happiness and pleasure but trust it does brings YOU grieve in the end. Like I say to many others, YOUR BORN WITH NOTHING AND YOU DIE WITH NOTHING. The richness comes from within and from your heart. The poorest person can live life but still be content in their heart knowing they have shown kindness to a fellow human being.

I am still hurting now but please learn from my experience that LIFE IS IMPORTANT. I don't know how long I have left but I must write my experience to help others realise the "final committment" is not necessary as things can be worked out.

Some might say, why don't I follow my own advice but I cannot because because I have taken a vow of silence and a heavy committment that is my only purpose in life.

I LIVE WITH HURT BUT YOUR HURT IS MY HURT. AS I STRIVE TO DO THE IMPOSSIBLE PROMISE I WANT TO FEEL EVERYONE PAIN. WHETHER OR NOT I ACHIEVE THIS IMPOSSIBLE PROMISE, PLEASE BE INSPIRED TO STAY ALIVE.

LIFE IS IMPORTANT AND THAT INCLUDES YOU......... NEVER CONSIDER THE "FINAL COMMITTMENT" AS YOU CAN FIGHT THE CURRENT EMOTIONS AND HURT YOU FEEL.

IF I CAN SURVIVE SUCH MENTAL AND PHYSICAL PAIN, THE YOU CAN TOO..!!!

I promise my story will continue.........

 

[Sassy Cat]

Wow I started reading your story and suddenly realized how old some of your posts were and then read your most recent. First in the beginning you mentioned thinking about self harm I have been thinking about that a lot but I don't have the courage to cut myself which I guess is a good thing.
You sound like you are in so much pain and feel so remorseful for things done. I wish my ex carred about me half as much as you do about the one you hurt. My ex keeps on hurting me and shows no remorse he tells me he loves me but his actions say differently. I read your posts and you touched me and I know anyone else who reads this will be touched as well.
You let your light shine here and make me want you to be ok because you need to let your self be happy. I try to take each moment one at a time easier said than done but even when I am hurting inside I try and be nice and have a smile for others. If I have no other worth at least I can brighten someone else's day they don't need to see my pain. Not that I am able to do this all the time I have so much anger and despair in me. But reading your posts reminds me that we can touch other. You touch others know you matter. Know you touch me your words to people help. I read a post of yours to someone else and oh my you said what I did not know how to say. You are important and need to be in our lives.

I will watch your story continue

 

[Unknown_111]

Wow I started reading your story and suddenly realized how old some of your posts were and then read your most recent. First in the beginning you mentioned thinking about self harm I have been thinking about that a lot but I don't have the courage to cut myself which I guess is a good thing.
You sound like you are in so much pain and feel so remorseful for things done. I wish my ex carred about me half as much as you do about the one you hurt. My ex keeps on hurting me and shows no remorse he tells me he loves me but his actions say differently. I read your posts and you touched me and I know anyone else who reads this will be touched as well.
You let your light shine here and make me want you to be ok because you need to let your self be happy. I try to take each moment one at a time easier said than done but even when I am hurting inside I try and be nice and have a smile for others. If I have no other worth at least I can brighten someone else's day they don't need to see my pain. Not that I am able to do this all the time I have so much anger and despair in me. But reading your posts reminds me that we can touch other. You touch others know you matter. Know you touch me your words to people help. I read a post of yours to someone else and oh my you said what I did not know how to say. You are important and need to be in our lives.

I will watch your story continue

Thank you for your kinds. I appreciate the post as it good to know I helping others whilst I continue by journey of darkness. I that sort of person who would help anyone but expect nothing in return. I help others as it's the right thing to do. I get to live another day thanks to YOU.

I salute YOU for your words. I hope my story continues........ I have no choice but to complete the impossible promise as it will others how remorseful I am.

 

[annotaine]

Hey... wanting to check on you

 

[annotaine]

I wanted to say that I see you as a very strong person for getting on here and doing something constructive instead of harming yourself. That is impressive. To get out of the "Why do I exist'" and "maybe I should stop existing feeling" I usually do something fun and physical for endorphins and seratonin. It works every time. I have done martial arts, salsa/swing dancing, shooting hoops, skateboarding (I learned as a grown woman- haha), yoga, running, biking, inline skating, healthy, active sex with a trustworthy/caring partner etc. When I stop doing physical things, those weird feelings come right back. Also, increasing my spiritual life helps soooo much. In this world we live in, there are many different types of very uplifting spirituality to explore. Feel free to direct message anytime and I hope you have the most amazing day! : )

 

[annotaine]

Also, I really like that you said: "Life is tough but together we can get through one day at a time." Let's try to do this together. It's so good to have this support online with friends who have to be strong in the same way

 

[Unknown_111]

Also, I really like that you said: "Life is tough but together we can get through one day at a time." Let's try to do this together. It's so good to have this support online with friends who have to be strong in the same way

Thank you for your kind words. I apologise if this sounds horrible in anyway, I have purpose now which is to help anyone hurting alone which is this forum. My life-changing experience has taught me several lessons but the most important lesson which is life itself. I have hurt a lot of people but especially this third party who put a lot of faith in me which I will never betray and honour "the impossible promise" as

I have to be strong as no I have no choice otherwise like YOU these weird feelings come back otherwise. I hope my story continues but that is down to one individual who the power to end my life. I have to live on a daily basis not knowing if I am not going live the next day. In the meantime I must help others to see that life is important even it means me doing the "final committment".

I know some think I deserve to die but I will in own time I will do it in one way or another but I want to leave a legacy for others to read how much pain I suffered and still suffering with no thought of malice towards others. My days are not in light but darkness which I deserve.

I promise my story will continue.........

 

[Unknown_111]

My days are still hard where others who made me suffer are trying to nice. I cannot trust anyone anymore but continue my struggle. I pretend to be happy with false smiles but I have learnt that the pain will never go away unless I continue this vow of silence. The mental torment I suffered the past three years has being terrible.

I still get ridiculed of my mental breakdown indirectly and unless you experienced this sort of experience, I would NOT wish it on my worst enemy. I always try to bring a little happiness to this world by playing the fool and always apologies for my stupid gaffs and mistakes. This life changing experience nearly and still today is making me think about my life. I will never be settled from the past until I say "sorry" to the third party but I know I would completely break down to my knees and beg for forgiveness. I am afraid it could make me completely suffer a complete mental down from which I could never recover from. I am so frightened by this thought that I rather do the impossible promise to share the pain as well as feel the pain I caused.

Many might think this is completely stupid but I think to myself I must punish myself for what I did and to ensure the vow of silence remains. If the vow remains intact then I know the bond of trust will remain intact. This might sound ludrious but it's something I truly vowed to do and ensure the third party realises there is no plan of revenge now or ever in the near future. I just hope the third party realises I that I will keep my word and forsake any happiness.

Sometimes I think I playing a game of chess and every move I make .i entered being "checked mated" by others and events in my day to day living. If I have do the final committment then at least I know I did not cast the first stone but kept my word. When my death comes, I know that I helped others and hopefully show others that richness is not in the dollars signs but cones from the heart of human kindness. If YOU are kind, it makes YOU empower the vibe it gives off and helps YOU to cope with any situations.

Please EVERYONE help someone in need whether it's a monetary value or just a kind question such as Are you ok?".

I promise my story will continue as I continue struggle on my journey of darkness......