What do you do when the person you loathe the most is your mom?

[Lastsunset]

I cannot count the number of details about her I loathe, and I really fucking hate that her blood runs through my veins, I'll always be connected to her, her, the poison, the source of my poison. I wish I was never born. Nihilist Memes make a post that says i did not consent to be in this awful sack of flesh, which is something I think about in my darkest moments. Like now I guess. I hate my life. I hate myself. I hate fucking everything. Why was I born?? I'm not sure if I'm asking her or the universe; doesn't matter. I have endured so much pain, self inflicted for the most part. I would purposely make myself sad/depressed/feel like shit, I'd attack the places I was most weak until I finally collapsed onto the ground.
I hate myself for bringing someone into the world even though I swore I would never do that. The bloodline needed to halt with myself as the endcap. Why do I even bother to make promises. I don't follow through. I set time lines or deadlines compulsively and whatever I say it's sooner or later very rarely at or close to whatever I say. In short I'm a failure I guess. And I guess a tormentor.
Fuck.

 

[Lastsunset]

Empathy Only, thank you

 

[HappyKitty]

Sorry you have a shitty mother. I know you may think is kinda common for mother - daughter to be having communication issues but you do not need to hurt yourself over someone who don’t give a shit about you. Parents like this shouldn’t be our parents in the first place and it can feel empty and worthless without having her being the mother she should be on your journey but you!- if you’re an adult, you could start being surrounded with many positive influences in your life for you to grow. You don’t even need to impress her and remember, she’s not the one that does the bloody work for you to get better. It is still you who do the work to get better for you and not for her. She’s not worth it. I’m most sorry she’s had a miserable fuckin life so much she would want to hurt you to make herself feel better but then again, you’re a much better person than her.

 

[Callousgirl]

One of the reasons why a mother-daughter relationship is so bitter, is the fact that the mother wanted a son than a daughter. In a way it is a little strange, as little girls are behaviorally trained with dolls: and dolls are mostly 99% female. The other factor, women make long term plans and ideas with their children. Since the age difference with a mother-daughter can be 20 years or 35 years: what the average women did 20 to 35 years in the past is going to be different. Some mothers want their daughters to mirror their life when they were the same age as their daughter.

 

[HappyKitty]

Some mothers want their daughters to mirror their life when they were the same age as their daughter.

Correct and I'm sorry that it doesn't work that way but I'm pretty sure not all mothers are like that though, there are mothers that wanted their daughter to have her own happiness.

 

[Lara_C]

Sounds like a very difficult and intense relationship you have with your mother @Lastsunset . Would you like to say some more about why you hate her and hate yourself so much? Are you still in contact with her?

 

[Lastsunset]

@Lara_C She's always the victim, that's the narrative she sticks to even while belittling my dad right in front of me. It was especially damaging because no one acknowledged what was happening and I would wonder and worry I was the crazy one. And she would talk to him like I wasn't in the room, completely ignoring me.
She's so manipulative. Thinks she's sly when she's not.
(I've been talking to him more lately so that's why I'm hung up on grievances involving him)
She's mean to animals.
She pushes "God" on me even though I clearly don't want to hear it.

I spent many nights sitting at my computer desk crying asking the air why I'm here, why I'm still here, I never asked to exist. Sometime 7th-8th grade I said I would never have kids because life is only pain, and I would not be a good mother. And I was terrified that I would eventually be exactly like my mom, to do awful things and not know they are awful--that I will choose ignorance.

I haven't spoken to her since Christmas Eve.

 

[Lara_C]

She's always the victim, that's the narrative she sticks to even while belittling my dad right in front of me.

The victim mindset is hard to deal with, especially when you're being blamed for her unhappiness as well. Sounds like your dad did let you and her down, but she needs to accept what happened and move on. Would she be willing to consider therapy or counseling for herself? I do hope you can rebuild your relationship with her on better terms.

 

[Lastsunset]

My dad has let us down mostly in terms of handling finances. The things she would go after my dad for held no water, but he didn't put a stop to the insults and controlling behavior. One reason my mom had the ability to be demeaning and get away with it was she was so passive aggressive, if ever confronted her defense was, "what are you talking about?"
She would not be willing to do therapy. My daughter's dad works at Walgreen's where she gets her prescriptions filled and I know she is on Welbutrin because he told me that she was so she must have gone to a doctor after I moved out but that's as far as she'll go.
Rebuilding I guess would be nice. I didn't think that was a real possibility until very recently, when my current therapist mentioned it. I'm not holding my breath. I'm okay with just cutting her off. I am upset my daughter has a bond with her.

 

[Lara_C]

Obviously the way things are at the moment are doing neither of you any good. Time apart could help you both to let go the anger which has made going on as things are too difficult to live with. Are you sure you want to cut her off completely - you might change your mind and regret inflicting more pain on her when she's been dx with depression. You could just tell her it's best for both of you to take a step back for the foreseeable future.

 

[Lastsunset]

Unfortunately talking isn’t something I can do with her, she has thick defenses. It’s not often I can have a genuine discussion with her. When it comes down to it I don’t know my parents. I see my dad as committing less sins so to speak, but there is an emotional void I can’t get across. I don’t always feel respected. I don’t know if it’s sexism or ageism or both or something else entirely.
I think I have latched onto my boss how I have because I’m in need of a mother figure in my life. It’s an idea I’ve been tossing around the last couple weeks.
I’ve gotten off track a bit sorry