Hi everyone. I hope today is kind to you where ever you are.
I have been feeling quite burned out lately and have had suicidal thoughts. I have had them for a long time and they always come to me. I am not really bothered by them, they are comforting to some degree. Here is the thing that i have always been struggling with. Why should I keep trying?
Since a very young age I realised many things in life are a competition. You need to try to get a good grade and if you dont you get punished by your parents. You need good grades to get to the school you want etc. Now I am in collegue experiencing this but another thing happened recently that made me think more about this. We had a day where people from big companies talked about what they expect from us and that we can come work there to get experience. We would not be paid for working there. Now I have had part time jobs before and I was paid. Also I am not an american, I am from Europe and this seem like total bullsh!t to me. Why should i waste my time doing something for people that dont pay me. I got the answer of "Because when you we hire people with experience and you need experience to work." Now here is why I have problems letting go of suicidal thoughts, because they are liberating. I did not chose to be here. I do not really want to be here either. Living is expensive but death is kinda free. There is always the "If you wanna get you good life you need to get a good job." If you wanna get a good job you gotta get to good school. If you wanna be happy in marriage you have to... etc." We what if I say no to that. I am tired of fighting to live a life that i dont even wanna live. In my experience it is dangerous to fully commit to living. The expectations that people have from you get higher and what you get out of it stays the same. Why fight for a life that I am not afraid of losing. I am honestly sick of trying to me some arbitrary expectations. We hear all the time how we should think we are valuable and we matter but the truth is many people just evaluate us and dont think twice about letting us go. I refuse to play that game. The game of meet my expectations or get out. This is one of the reasons why I dont think i will ever get rid of suicidal thoughts. Because not being afraid of dying makes gives me a sence of freedom and control. Idk if i explained myself super well i am currently just burned out ranting. Anyway I hope you all have a good day.
I have been feeling quite burned out lately and have had suicidal thoughts. I have had them for a long time and they always come to me. I am not really bothered by them, they are comforting to some degree. Here is the thing that i have always been struggling with. Why should I keep trying?
Since a very young age I realised many things in life are a competition. You need to try to get a good grade and if you dont you get punished by your parents. You need good grades to get to the school you want etc. Now I am in collegue experiencing this but another thing happened recently that made me think more about this. We had a day where people from big companies talked about what they expect from us and that we can come work there to get experience. We would not be paid for working there. Now I have had part time jobs before and I was paid. Also I am not an american, I am from Europe and this seem like total bullsh!t to me. Why should i waste my time doing something for people that dont pay me. I got the answer of "Because when you we hire people with experience and you need experience to work." Now here is why I have problems letting go of suicidal thoughts, because they are liberating. I did not chose to be here. I do not really want to be here either. Living is expensive but death is kinda free. There is always the "If you wanna get you good life you need to get a good job." If you wanna get a good job you gotta get to good school. If you wanna be happy in marriage you have to... etc." We what if I say no to that. I am tired of fighting to live a life that i dont even wanna live. In my experience it is dangerous to fully commit to living. The expectations that people have from you get higher and what you get out of it stays the same. Why fight for a life that I am not afraid of losing. I am honestly sick of trying to me some arbitrary expectations. We hear all the time how we should think we are valuable and we matter but the truth is many people just evaluate us and dont think twice about letting us go. I refuse to play that game. The game of meet my expectations or get out. This is one of the reasons why I dont think i will ever get rid of suicidal thoughts. Because not being afraid of dying makes gives me a sence of freedom and control. Idk if i explained myself super well i am currently just burned out ranting. Anyway I hope you all have a good day.