Why I dont want to let go of suicidal thoughts

[GreySoDark]

Hi everyone. I hope today is kind to you where ever you are.
I have been feeling quite burned out lately and have had suicidal thoughts. I have had them for a long time and they always come to me. I am not really bothered by them, they are comforting to some degree. Here is the thing that i have always been struggling with. Why should I keep trying?
Since a very young age I realised many things in life are a competition. You need to try to get a good grade and if you dont you get punished by your parents. You need good grades to get to the school you want etc. Now I am in collegue experiencing this but another thing happened recently that made me think more about this. We had a day where people from big companies talked about what they expect from us and that we can come work there to get experience. We would not be paid for working there. Now I have had part time jobs before and I was paid. Also I am not an american, I am from Europe and this seem like total bullsh!t to me. Why should i waste my time doing something for people that dont pay me. I got the answer of "Because when you we hire people with experience and you need experience to work." Now here is why I have problems letting go of suicidal thoughts, because they are liberating. I did not chose to be here. I do not really want to be here either. Living is expensive but death is kinda free. There is always the "If you wanna get you good life you need to get a good job." If you wanna get a good job you gotta get to good school. If you wanna be happy in marriage you have to... etc." We what if I say no to that. I am tired of fighting to live a life that i dont even wanna live. In my experience it is dangerous to fully commit to living. The expectations that people have from you get higher and what you get out of it stays the same. Why fight for a life that I am not afraid of losing. I am honestly sick of trying to me some arbitrary expectations. We hear all the time how we should think we are valuable and we matter but the truth is many people just evaluate us and dont think twice about letting us go. I refuse to play that game. The game of meet my expectations or get out. This is one of the reasons why I dont think i will ever get rid of suicidal thoughts. Because not being afraid of dying makes gives me a sence of freedom and control. Idk if i explained myself super well i am currently just burned out ranting. Anyway I hope you all have a good day.

 

[nicktheundoer]

Hey..welcome to Sf where you can share whats on your mind..im sorry you feel that way..i think you dont need to meet anyone else's expectations..you can just be yourself and love yourself for what you are..you dont have to be affected by what everyone thinks of you or wants from you..You can be happy rn regardless whether people like you or not..best wishes from me..i hope this suicidal thoughts passes..so, do you want to do anything to overcome this suicidal thoughts?some people go to counselling or some would share with the people they love..i wish you all the best..

 

[BarryW]

@GreySoDark Welcome to the site! Thank you for telling us about your feelings and what's going on for you.

Why should I keep trying?

I have asked myself the same question many times. Life takes a lot of effort and it gets very tiring. I couldn't give you a specific reason or reasons why I keep making enough effort to stay alive.

It sounds like there was an event at your college where companies came to find people for internships. From my understanding, there are paid and unpaid internships, depending on the company. I agree that putting in significant time and effort to a for-profit company for free is a bit of a rip off. It's one thing to volunteer on the weekend at the food pantry or animal shelter.. but working say 20+ hrs a week for a full summer (or longer) with no pay is not something I have ever signed up for. And it wouldn't make a lot of sense for someone in (guessing here) early 20s who is not sitting on piles of money.

Given that you have had paid jobs before, I think one of the biggest benfits that an internship could provide for you, would be to help you try out working in a certain industry or role which you have some interest in but are not sure if you want to make that your initial career path. A few months of internship could help you understand that yes, this is what you were looking for, or no, stay away from that kind of work going forward. And there would be less hassle/paperwork/ emotional damage trying that in an internship vs your first full-time job. That said, I am not trying to convince you to try an internship.

The expectations that people have from you get higher and what you get out of it stays the same.

I don't agree with this piece. There's a lot that I have gotten out of taking more challenging classes in school or from some of my jobs. The scenario where I think your statement is correct, is when you feel you are getting nothing out of it. i.e. you are forced to do X or Y for some imaginary future payoff 15-20 years from now, which may or may not come. If you can find work that you enjoy or find meaningful, as your responsibilities and abilities increase, I think you will feel that you are getting more out of it than say some homework assignment for a class you don't care about but are required to take.

the truth is many people just evaluate us and dont think twice about letting us go

Do you have any interest in starting your own company? Depending on laws where you live, it's either very unlikely or impossible to get fired when you are the sole owner of a company. Not sure if you were talking about being let go in a professional or personal situation.

Keep talking to us.. let us know how you feel. I'm rooting for you to find your best life.. it's totally OK if that best life is nothing like your neighbor's.

 

[GreySoDark]

@GreySoDark Welcome to the site! Thank you for telling us about your feelings and what's going on for you.


I have asked myself the same question many times. Life takes a lot of effort and it gets very tiring. I couldn't give you a specific reason or reasons why I keep making enough effort to stay alive.

It sounds like there was an event at your college where companies came to find people for internships. From my understanding, there are paid and unpaid internships, depending on the company. I agree that putting in significant time and effort to a for-profit company for free is a bit of a rip off. It's one thing to volunteer on the weekend at the food pantry or animal shelter.. but working say 20+ hrs a week for a full summer (or longer) with no pay is not something I have ever signed up for. And it wouldn't make a lot of sense for someone in (guessing here) early 20s who is not sitting on piles of money.

Given that you have had paid jobs before, I think one of the biggest benfits that an internship could provide for you, would be to help you try out working in a certain industry or role which you have some interest in but are not sure if you want to make that your initial career path. A few months of internship could help you understand that yes, this is what you were looking for, or no, stay away from that kind of work going forward. And there would be less hassle/paperwork/ emotional damage trying that in an internship vs your first full-time job. That said, I am not trying to convince you to try an internship.


I don't agree with this piece. There's a lot that I have gotten out of taking more challenging classes in school or from some of my jobs. The scenario where I think your statement is correct, is when you feel you are getting nothing out of it. i.e. you are forced to do X or Y for some imaginary future payoff 15-20 years from now, which may or may not come. If you can find work that you enjoy or find meaningful, as your responsibilities and abilities increase, I think you will feel that you are getting more out of it than say some homework assignment for a class you don't care about but are required to take.


Do you have any interest in starting your own company? Depending on laws where you live, it's either very unlikely or impossible to get fired when you are the sole owner of a company. Not sure if you were talking about being let go in a professional or personal situation.

Keep talking to us.. let us know how you feel. I'm rooting for you to find your best life.. it's totally OK if that best life is nothing like your neighbor's.

Thank you for your response. The truth is there really isnt much I care about. I guess that comes with the fact that i never really wanted to be here. Sure there are things that I prefere over others but i am not really extremely interested in many of them. Yeah there are things that are kinda fun but but they dont make up for the shit one puts up with. I really wish I wasnt here. I dont have any interest in creating my own company becuase thats only another bag of worms to unpack. I just dont have plans for life. I honestly did not think i would live this long. I just think I am willing to do more things to end my life than to keep living. I would hurt people if i did that and thats what is currently stopping me but I know it is not something that is all powerful. I have attempted to kill myself before. Often times I regret I have not succeded. I just wish I could lay down and die...

 

[GreySoDark]

Hey..welcome to Sf where you can share whats on your mind..im sorry you feel that way..i think you dont need to meet anyone else's expectations..you can just be yourself and love yourself for what you are..you dont have to be affected by what everyone thinks of you or wants from you..You can be happy rn regardless whether people like you or not..best wishes from me..i hope this suicidal thoughts passes..so, do you want to do anything to overcome this suicidal thoughts?some people go to counselling or some would share with the people they love..i wish you all the best..

Hi. Thank you for your response. I am on antidepressents my second ones. I have had therapy that did not work. I had counceling from which I was referred to seek a proffesional. I currently have a therapy that is ok. Yeah I think one can be happy without thinking what other people think. My point is that if you want something from life like a job lets say you need to conform to other peoples expectations of you. But for me it mostly comes down to... the prize is not worth the effort.

 

[Paul1963]

Hi everyone. I hope today is kind to you where ever you are.
I have been feeling quite burned out lately and have had suicidal thoughts. I have had them for a long time and they always come to me. I am not really bothered by them, they are comforting to some degree. Here is the thing that i have always been struggling with. Why should I keep trying?
Since a very young age I realised many things in life are a competition. You need to try to get a good grade and if you dont you get punished by your parents. You need good grades to get to the school you want etc. Now I am in collegue experiencing this but another thing happened recently that made me think more about this. We had a day where people from big companies talked about what they expect from us and that we can come work there to get experience. We would not be paid for working there. Now I have had part time jobs before and I was paid. Also I am not an american, I am from Europe and this seem like total bullsh!t to me. Why should i waste my time doing something for people that dont pay me. I got the answer of "Because when you we hire people with experience and you need experience to work." Now here is why I have problems letting go of suicidal thoughts, because they are liberating. I did not chose to be here. I do not really want to be here either. Living is expensive but death is kinda free. There is always the "If you wanna get you good life you need to get a good job." If you wanna get a good job you gotta get to good school. If you wanna be happy in marriage you have to... etc." We what if I say no to that. I am tired of fighting to live a life that i dont even wanna live. In my experience it is dangerous to fully commit to living. The expectations that people have from you get higher and what you get out of it stays the same. Why fight for a life that I am not afraid of losing. I am honestly sick of trying to me some arbitrary expectations. We hear all the time how we should think we are valuable and we matter but the truth is many people just evaluate us and dont think twice about letting us go. I refuse to play that game. The game of meet my expectations or get out. This is one of the reasons why I dont think i will ever get rid of suicidal thoughts. Because not being afraid of dying makes gives me a sence of freedom and control. Idk if i explained myself super well i am currently just burned out ranting. Anyway I hope you all have a good day.

We live in a wage slave society, a very sick society where people are nothing but slaves to the so-called elites. The creation of money and the banking system took away the most basic freedoms of humanity. At one time, you could just move where you wanted, set up a camp, build your own little cabin and grow your own food, keep chickens etc and all of it was completely FREE. Nowadays we have to pay to live. How insane is that ? Now all land has been stolen by the churches, governments, and greedy assholes from all over the world. Now we have to PAY THEM for something that should be free as our birthright. I despise this sick, twisted system with all my being. It is responsible for an enormous amount of human suffering. I would tell the company to shove the " work experience" up their ass. You are worth much more than to be used as some idiot who will work for nothing. I also fully understand that suicidal thoughts bring comfort. I am suicidal every day of my life, ALWAYS. I cannot wait to die and get the hell off this crazy hellhole planet. I truly despise it. If a doctor told me I am going to die of some fatal incurable illness I would be filled with joy. Sounds crazy but true. I am so sorry you are suffering, but we are all in this sick trap called society, with no easy out.

 

[may71]

Hi everyone.

Hello and welcome to SF!

I hope today is kind to you where ever you are.

Thank you

Since a very young age I realised many things in life are a competition.

That's true. I wish competition didn't play as prominent a role in society as it does.

We had a day where people from big companies talked about what they expect from us and that we can come work there to get experience. We would not be paid for working there. Now I have had part time jobs before and I was paid. Also I am not an american, I am from Europe and this seem like total bullsh!t to me.

I'm an American, but it also seems like bullshit to me. I think the idea is that corporations are selfish entities, and they are also staffed with (mostly) selfish people. They're not going to give you money out of some sense of fairness, they're only going to give you things if they think they can get even more out of the deal.

For some people, maybe doing an unpaid internship makes sense if it leads to a job, but it sounds like you'd probably hate the corporate environment no matter what.

Still, life today is probably a lot easier than it once was for early humans. You'd have to worry about attack from wild animals, other groups of humans, the weather, finding food, etc. I think for early humans the life expectancy was about 20, and it was pretty rough even getting that far. So I'm not saying people aren't being offered a shit deal today, but it adds some perspective.

There are certainly jobs that will pay you right away, but these are mostly working class jobs.

But for me it mostly comes down to... the prize is not worth the effort.

You may be able to find some path in life that you like better than trying to follow the corporate rat race. It would be a shame to throw away your life if it were possible to find some other use for it that you found worthwhile.

 

[may71]

I am on antidepressents my second ones. I have had therapy that did not work. I had counceling from which I was referred to seek a proffesional. I currently have a therapy that is ok.

If you'd like advice about treatment or about career/life path, I could try to offer that, but it's ok if you don't want that.

 

[KM76710]

Hi. Thank you for your response. I am on antidepressents my second ones. I have had therapy that did not work. I had counceling from which I was referred to seek a proffesional. I currently have a therapy that is ok. Yeah I think one can be happy without thinking what other people think. My point is that if you want something from life like a job lets say you need to conform to other peoples expectations of you. But for me it mostly comes down to... the prize is not worth the effort.

I hope the therapist that you see now will be able to help. You deserve to have good things coming your way and for things to be better for you. I am glad you did join the forum because you can vent and share as you like with caring and supportive members here waiting to get to know you. I hope we can bring a bit of comfort for you.

 

[GreySoDark]

Hello and welcome to SF!

Thank you

That's true. I wish competition didn't play as prominent a role in society as it does.

I'm an American, but it also seems like bullshit to me. I think the idea is that corporations are selfish entities, and they are also staffed with (mostly) selfish people. They're not going to give you money out of some sense of fairness, they're only going to give you things if they think they can get even more out of the deal.

For some people, maybe doing an unpaid internship makes sense if it leads to a job, but it sounds like you'd probably hate the corporate environment no matter what.

Still, life today is probably a lot easier than it once was for early humans. You'd have to worry about attack from wild animals, other groups of humans, the weather, finding food, etc. I think for early humans the life expectancy was about 20, and it was pretty rough even getting that far. So I'm not saying people aren't being offered a shit deal today, but it adds some perspective.

There are certainly jobs that will pay you right away, but these are mostly working class jobs.


You may be able to find some path in life that you like better than trying to follow the corporate rat race. It would be a shame to throw away your life if it were possible to find some other use for it that you found worthwhile.

 

[GreySoDark]

Hi. I just realised i did not explain why me not being American was important. I live in Europe but I study an American school. I do not have anything against americans you guys are great.

 

[may71]

I do not have anything against americans you guys are great.

 

[GreySoDark]

Hello and welcome to SF!

Thank you

That's true. I wish competition didn't play as prominent a role in society as it does.

I'm an American, but it also seems like bullshit to me. I think the idea is that corporations are selfish entities, and they are also staffed with (mostly) selfish people. They're not going to give you money out of some sense of fairness, they're only going to give you things if they think they can get even more out of the deal.

For some people, maybe doing an unpaid internship makes sense if it leads to a job, but it sounds like you'd probably hate the corporate environment no matter what.

Still, life today is probably a lot easier than it once was for early humans. You'd have to worry about attack from wild animals, other groups of humans, the weather, finding food, etc. I think for early humans the life expectancy was about 20, and it was pretty rough even getting that far. So I'm not saying people aren't being offered a shit deal today, but it adds some perspective.

There are certainly jobs that will pay you right away, but these are mostly working class jobs.


You may be able to find some path in life that you like better than trying to follow the corporate rat race. It would be a shame to throw away your life if it were possible to find some other use for it that you found worthwhile.

Hi. Thank you for the reply. What you said about humans is true, life used to be much shittier in the past. That kinda makes me even more depressed most of the time. If I dont find life worth living not I would definitely have not found it worth living back then. Thank you for the offer about the advice but advice seems to be the one thing that everyone is willing to give. Not that I dont appretiate it but after a while I kinda got sick of most advice I have heard.

 

[may71]

Thank you for the reply

You're welcome!

What you said about humans is true, life used to be much shittier in the past. That kinda makes me even more depressed most of the time. If I dont find life worth living not I would definitely have not found it worth living back then.

I'm sorry if thinking about that makes things harder.

I guess life was rougher back then in a lot of ways, but I guess also there was much more freedom. Also, the bonds between the little tribes of humans was probably much better and closer back then. We've gained a lot in material comforts, but we've probably lost a few things too.

Not that I dont appretiate it but after a while I kinda got sick of most advice I have heard.

That's understandable.

 

[GreySoDark]

You're welcome!

I'm sorry if thinking about that makes things harder.

I guess life was rougher back then in a lot of ways, but I guess also there was much more freedom. Also, the bonds between the little tribes of humans was probably much better and closer back then. We've gained a lot in material comforts, but we've probably lost a few things too.


That's understandable.

That is true. Humans were probably kinder towards each other too. Also more physical activity made people happier. Although life in middle ages sucked. People did not have the comforts of modern life AND treated each other like garbage. Ancieant era was better but slavery was a thing back then. Yeah…

 

[may71]

One can only hope a better era is coming.

 

[Paul1963]

Hi. Thank you for your response. I am on antidepressents my second ones. I have had therapy that did not work. I had counceling from which I was referred to seek a proffesional. I currently have a therapy that is ok. Yeah I think one can be happy without thinking what other people think. My point is that if you want something from life like a job lets say you need to conform to other peoples expectations of you. But for me it mostly comes down to... the prize is not worth the effort.

I hope you find some meds, or therapy that works for you. I also hate how we cannot be authentic human beings in so many areas of life, and have to put on a mask to fit in with the herd in the workplace just to earn money, most of which goes to pay taxes and buy overpriced goods.

 

[nicktheundoer]

you need to conform to other peoples expectations of you.

People can only hurt you if you let them..hugs..

 

[GreySoDark]

People can only hurt you if you let them..hugs..

I do not think that this is true. It sounds nice but when it comes down to it we do not decide what hurts and what doesnt. On a neurophysiological physical and mental pain are the same. Even though they come from different sources they are perceived in the same part of our brain. Psychological pain was developed evelotionary so we tend to conform to other people because as tribal creatures it benefits our survival. The same ways we do not chose if a stab wound hurts we do to chose if a betrayal hurts. We can influence our behavior and what we do about it but the pain stays the same.

 

[Paul1963]

I think it can be true, but only in a very limited manner: for instance you can ignore some asshole who is calling you names etc. But for things like narcissistic abuse etc, things become a lot harder to shield yourself from.