Zombie

[lightning05]

Every day this week I have been on auto pilot. This morning I am going to be late for work because I couldn't bring myself to get up. I feel like a zombie that is dead inside and I really wish something would happen that would cause my life to end. I am extremely lonely and sad. I don't even want to talk to anyone, though. I want to disappear and slowly just fade away. I deleted all my social media accounts because I just can't stand to see other people having so much fun while day in and day out I am lonely with no one to talk to or hang out with. I hate feeling this badly. I can't fucking stand it. I wish I was strong enough to off myself. I am so tempted to do it every day as I go deeper and deeper into this dark place. All I do is go to work and come home trying to distract myself from these thoughts. I go run and walk but it is not enough. I just want to hurt and die I fucking hate life and living. I'm going to die one day anyway why not just do it now.

 

[lightning05]

I know that I shouldn't be thinking along these lines, but I am about to come up with a plan and timeline. I know people care and want me to stay around, but I can't go on feeling this badly and hating everything so much.

 

[SinisterKid]

I am not sure how many members we have here lightning, but do you think they are all having so much fun? So many of us empathise with you and your situation. So many of us are in similar/same circumstances. You are not alone in your misery, people here share it and endure it in the hope that at some point, it will end. If you leave now, you will never get the chance to see if it ends or not.

To change and to recover, we need to make adjustments. If you try to adjust too much, you will fail and these feelings and emotions get worse. But if it begins with small adjustments that you are able to make, slowly, you will start to feel better about yourself. Dont set yourself up to fail. I am still here and if I can do that, so can you. I am not strong, I am weak, yet here I am. You dont need to be strong to survive, you just neeed to be able to adjust.

 

[lightning05]

When I said having fun I was referring to the friends that I moved 3,000 miles away from. Life is going on without me over there while I am here basically just working with virtually no friends and nothing to do. I have reached out to so many people here, have tried to hang out with them numerous times and keep getting shot down. It is discouraging and embarrassing to not be able to make friends and to see your old ones move on without you. I barely talk to them anymore and when I call and reach out to them it's always, "just text me" or "I'll call you back" and that never happens. This is not all of my problems but lately loneliness has been killing me inside.

I am just so very exhausted. I have been feeling like this for as long as I remember. The molestation that happened to me as a child has tainted my childhood. The other day I found pictures of myself as a teen (after more sexual violence) and I look so sad. There is not a smile on my face in any of them. I have never been happy, I have always been troubled and I feel like I cannot shake what happened to me. It has ruined my happiness and I am sick of talking about it over and over to various therapists. Did you know that rape survivors have the highest chance of suicide and PTSD, even over military people? I think my only option is to be drugged up so much that I can't feel shit. I am sorry that I sound so negative and so down but that is where I am right now. I hate it. I don't know what I did in this past life in order for all of this hell to happen to me but I must have been a shitty person.

 

[Rockclimbinggirl]

Hugs. You are still an amazing and strong person.

 

[lightning05]

Thank you @Rockclimbinggirl & @SinisterKid. I have calmed down some now and staying distracted. I think I am also just mentally and emotionally exhausted now and just can't expend any more angry energy. Which right now is a good thing. Also, the Olympics are making things a little easier.

 

[Rockclimbinggirl]

I am glad that you have calmed down. Hugs.

 

[SinisterKid]

I am glad that you have calmed down. Hugs.

Ditto. Always here lightning if you need to vent or just talk ok. I have not seen one second of the olympics so far, just dont seem interested, which is unusual for me.

 

[mpk]

lightning, I understand how you feel. Most days I feel like a zombie myself, just wandering aimlessly through life hoping that I am able to find some happiness to feed on. Unfortunately I have not found to much of that so I have been feeding on the loneliness and desperation that I feel is my life has become.
I know the good stuff is out there and may be sitting right in front of my face but I can't see it right now.

 

[Petal]

discouraging and embarrassing to not be able to make friends and to see your old ones move on without you

I had this issue when I didn't leave the house at all, my ''friends'' finished school, went to college/work, had babies, got on without me. I'm like the loser left behind but I am happy in thinking I have much more emotional intelligence that they will never have, think on that.

Get out and about as much as often and make new friends, I know so much easier said than done, but CAN be done. There are so many places you can meet people I don't have to name them out. Just be yourself and be proud of who you are because you're an amazing person.

 

[lightning05]

@mpk I definitely feel that lately I have been feeding on lonliness and desperation since it is all I have been feeling over the past few months. I am hoping that soon I can get some relief from this. Even though it is exhausting me I am trying my best to stay as distracted as possible so I do not think about it. I tend to spiral out when I think too much and then my emotions are like a snowball going downhill picking up nothing but negativity. I still feel horrible and empty inside but I will still fight this negativity the best I can.

@Petal I am getting to the point now where I am not leaving the house unless I need to. It seems painful to go outside if its not to work or to the supermarket, if that makes sense. Isolation is making me feel bad but yet it seems safe and comfortable as of right now I am too scared of rejection and how it will send me downhill quickly. I start my last semester of school in about 3 weeks so maybe that will help.

I honestly still have suicidal ideation and thoughts of ending my life because it seems the "best" thing to do but I have no plan or actually urge to. It is more like "It would be better if I just kill myself" or "I'd be free from everything if I kill myself" and fantasize about how relieving it would be to be gone.

 

[Petal]

Hi again @lightning05 Please don't slip into the rut of not leaving the house, I made that mistake and it only goes downhill from there. Find things on in your area and join in, I'm sure there are other lonely people in your area looking to make friends too Best of luck with school, I'm sure that will help a lot. I am always here for you

 

[SinisterKid]

I agree totally with Petal, DO NOT FALL INTO THAT TRAP!! I have done it for the best part of 8 yrs and its not healthy at all lightning. Try to get out as much as you can and meet people. Its good you still have school to go to, that will be a distraction right now.

 

[lightning05]

Thanks. I have been looking up some community events in my city and may go check them out. I have a friend who has pretty bad anxiety and she says she wants to try and get out more also so I am going to invite her and see if she's interested. I will just have to still make an effort to go even if she backs out, which she tends to do but I understand because of the anxiety. School will definitely help a lot.

 

[moxman]

I have never been happy, I have always been troubled and I feel like I cannot shake what happened to me. It has ruined my happiness and I am sick of talking about it over and over to various therapists.

I am sorry you feel this way. I truly am.

I am here you girl.

 

[Hopelovescompany]

You're in a dormant state, an idle depressed mode, I've been there and got it only to be back in it again. So I know how you feel , I quit my job I wouldn't say it was the best but it definately got better when I started to disown responsibilities. Unfortunately some can't do that but I believe you have Good control over your feelings. Just keep it up and try living for yourself , no one needs to be pleased.