Advice on Reaching Out to People?

[Ann Onymous]

Hello, friends!

I was wondering if anyone had experience with opening up about mental illness with friends/acquaintances. I'm not in the best of places right now and as per every "Suicide Prevention/Depression" pamphlet, I want to avoid isolating myself and try to find comfort in others.

Note that I'm a university student so this may sound a tad like your typical high school drama, haha:
I've lived many years with codependency issues (which I'm struggling to overcome) and have recently shut down completely because the group of people who gave me purpose have become distant. Not out of spite or anything! I've just learned that I've pined for their approval and friendship much more than they did for mine. I have a lot of trouble making friends so when I do find my people, I cling on for dear life, haha. The problem being, of course, is that I've lost all sense of identity and have not made any other friends in the meantime. They have continued to live happy (seemingly), fulfilled lives, while I have been sulking about where I fit into theirs. While none of them hate me (as my inner voice tells me every morning and every night), I don't think that they necessarily care that much about me (as much as I care about them, at least). Lovely people - don't get me wrong - I may just not be their cup of tea.

WHICH brings us the problem at hand:
There is one friend (an angel, honestly) who as always been the most gentle and caring of people. He and I meet once a week for lunch because at the beginning of the semester I built up the courage to reach out and talk to him about my mental state. The thing is, I'm always trying to do whatever I can to get people to like me. And because of this, I lie. I lie a lot. I smile every morning when I want to frown. I joke and make people laugh when really I want to cry. I pretend that nothing's wrong because I'm afraid that if people didn't like me (my paranoia speaking) when I pretended to be healthy (mentally), then why would they want me around in such a miserable state?

So whenever he and I meet, I'm afraid to say anything. It's not like I've gotten any better since September but he wouldn't know because I've never brought anything up after that. I'm already always anxious about him hating me and having to tolerate having me around, so... I don't know, guys... sometimes I speak and I don't feel like anyone cares. There are people in my life who knew that I was suicidal and still proceeded to do things that REALLY hurt me (I, of course, showed no sign of being upset or angry and told them that everything was alright and they were totally justified in doing what they did). I already think that he is only hanging out with me as a chore and I'm afraid of saying anything that will turn him away... just because of... experience.

TL;DR: sad, scared, alone, and deprived of affection (I haven't been hugged since 2016! haha, sorry, sorry, I'll stop)

Advice greatly appreciated! Thank you! All the best! <3

 

[Luoma]

Hiya!! First off, I wanna say welcome to SF! You sound like SUCH an amazing person so why nobody would want to give you affection and attention is beyond me! Kind people like you deserve SO much more in life than sadness and suicidal thoughts. It breaks my heart every day hearing how sweet people like you have to fight with those evil demons inside the mind. However, I do know that it can't be helped; I myself suffer with these thoughts too, so from one girl to another, I just wanna tell you that your illnesses are not your fault.

I feel like I am in a really bad position to speak about opening up, because it's something that I'm pretty bad at. What happens is people ask if I'm fine and I always have to say "of course!" or perhaps even drop hints like "Nah, but that's okay, it doesn't matter". What this results in is, after I say it, I get this crushing weight in my chest. Hiding from people really, really hurts. You get this horrible sinking gut emotion like you WANT to open up SO BAD, but then you just don't. And when the other person says "Oh, okay." you get the second wave of pain because deep down, you want them to make you open up. So you'd feel better.

However, within all of my sad talk, there is a rhyme to my reason. I started to open up. I, much like yourself, met a very wonderful guy. We actually started dating less than a year ago, and I started to learn how to open up. It started off very carefully; I was over cautious with what I let out. I let things out, little by little. And if the other person responds in a non-negative way, I'd let myself consider that a success. Eventually I began to disclose more information, but at the same time, I let him open up, too. Sometimes people are dying to speak to someone just like you are! Perhaps your new friend feels the same way? Or maybe, if you're nervous, you could ask for events in your life that are making you feel bad instead of directly addressing the mental illness; (ie - asking "How do you calm down when you're stressed? I had the worst day at work." vs outright saying "My anxiety makes my life a living hell. I can't calm down I'm so stressed.") But I think it all depends on how long you've known him for. : )

My boyfriend is studying to be a psychiatrist, so that always helps me when I am worried about speaking to him, but I actually asked him right now to give me some tips to help you out, because I was curious about what his point of view is, and he basically said this: "For serious things, I firstly recommend therapy, but if someone is in your life and develops an attachment to you, there is little that they wouldn't put up with in order to see you safe. A healthy friend will know that letting you open up is beneficial for you and being trusted with the dark parts of someone can make a person feel wanted and like they have a purpose in your life. If she is worried about opening up to people, tell her to open up at her own pace but make sure to also tell her that if she knows that the guy can be trusted, if he's a good person for her and is really caring and sweet, sometimes it is okay to let out a few secrets. If he reacts poorly, that is his loss for losing a kind person in his life".

Oh, and he said to try and cut contact with the people who treat you poorly when you're suicidal.
Aaand then he went off on a tangent and kept adding things LOLLL but basically that's the tl;dr of what he said. I think I agree! It's dangerous to let out secrets to the wrong person, but if you find a friend you want to keep, I say at least try to get some assistance from him.

ANYWAYS sorry if this was a long post! My name is Luoma, and if you need anything, anything at all, let me know! My arms are open!

 

[Northern]

Hello,

What I do is try to be in good mood in front of friends. I try to be fun to be around.

I mention my problem slowly, specially at first. I'll say things like "i don't really wanna go, i have a bit of social anxiety" or "the winter is hard considering my little depression tendencies."

 

[may71]

I haven't been hugged since 2016!

Well, if it's any consolation, I would hug you

 

[QuantumLeap]

Hello @Ann Onymous it's great to see you here.
I just spent some time composing the post below for another member going by the moniker 'Anonymous12' and seeing as the essence of your struggles struck me as being similar to theirs, I decided I would be lazy and just copy and paste it here... haha

I find your struggles very relatable!

Imagine you are on a log raft, and you are floating down a river. Like this:

(PS - I'm not sure if you have long hair or not but that was just how the drawing went)
The river is the river of life - complete with raging rapids, turgid bottlenecks, cascading waterfalls and serene smooth stretches of water where not a ripple can be seen.
The raft is comprised of logs that represent anything that we look to as a source of emotional security, validation, fulfilment or happiness.
Now, for the sake of simplicity, lets say that there are 6 logs that comprise this raft.
They have names, and they are named after the top 6 things that we look to. Let's see if we can name what they could be in your case.

Log 1: What Bartholomew thinks
Log 2: What Arabela thinks
Log 3: What Donald thinks
Log 4: What Winifred thinks
Log 5: What Henrietta thinks
Log 6: What Braden thinks

Now, unlike many log rafts where the logs are tightly bound together and work in unison, these logs all have a mind of their own. And you know they do.
Sometimes what Arabela thinks decides to go on a vacation, and abandons the pack. Other days, Donald throws the toys out of the cot and goes off in a huff.
Ultimately, this leaves you constantly on edge... fearing lest the precarious coexistence of the logs should disintegrate and leave you floundering in icy waters.
As such, this drives you to constantly assess and analyse the actions, reactions, words, expressions and motivations of those around you so you can best predict when to don your life jacket and start swimming.
You keep your thoughts to yourself because you're terrified that the slightest ripple could fracture the tenuous stability that the logs have. You're almost afraid to move... because... well... umm... anything could happen to this raft! You also find yourself spending a great deal of time studying the rafts of those around you and despairing of the multiplicity of flaws that you observe... 'if only other people had their rafts sorted out... I could just jump onto their raft when mine goes to pieces'!
So, living life like this sucks. Like, really sucks.
Hmm. So what's the alternative?
Well, for any one of us to find stability in this sad world, it must be by grounding ourselves principally on factors that are within our control.
So, a new log raft might look like this:

Log 1: Personal mastery - you know what your weaknesses are and you are making progress on vanquishing them.
Log 2: Goal driven - you have goals and a plan to get there.
Log 3: Proactiveness - you're working on the most important priorities in your life... instead of frittering away your time.
Log 4: Abundance mentality - you know that there is enough of everything in this life for us to give abundantly and know that everything you give comes back exponentially in time.
Log 5: Patience - you know that some of the most precious stones - pearls and diamonds - are created under enormous pressure and over a great length of time.
Log 6: Synergy - you recognise that in seeking out other like minded proactive individuals and working together you can create something far bigger than if you combined your individual efforts.

This list of 'logs' is not exhaustive, but is a good start of some things that you could possibly work on These are all things that are within your control to work on and improve...
19 was a very rocky year for me (I'm 26).
If there's one thing I can promise that will change over the next 5 years, it will be your mindset. The direction and scope by which it changes is in your hands
I hope at least one sentence of what I have said resonates with you.
Keep safe my friend, and I truly hope that you find some peace and clarity in your life very soon.
I'll be thinking of you.

Cody

 

[Rockclimbinggirl]

Note that I'm a university student

Does your school have clubs you can join. Mine has a mental health club.

 

[Ann Onymous]

Hiya!! First off, I wanna say welcome to SF! You sound like SUCH an amazing person so why nobody would want to give you affection and attention is beyond me! Kind people like you deserve SO much more in life than sadness and suicidal thoughts. It breaks my heart every day hearing how sweet people like you have to fight with those evil demons inside the mind. However, I do know that it can't be helped; I myself suffer with these thoughts too, so from one girl to another, I just wanna tell you that your illnesses are not your fault.

I feel like I am in a really bad position to speak about opening up, because it's something that I'm pretty bad at. What happens is people ask if I'm fine and I always have to say "of course!" or perhaps even drop hints like "Nah, but that's okay, it doesn't matter". What this results in is, after I say it, I get this crushing weight in my chest. Hiding from people really, really hurts. You get this horrible sinking gut emotion like you WANT to open up SO BAD, but then you just don't. And when the other person says "Oh, okay." you get the second wave of pain because deep down, you want them to make you open up. So you'd feel better.

However, within all of my sad talk, there is a rhyme to my reason. I started to open up. I, much like yourself, met a very wonderful guy. We actually started dating less than a year ago, and I started to learn how to open up. It started off very carefully; I was over cautious with what I let out. I let things out, little by little. And if the other person responds in a non-negative way, I'd let myself consider that a success. Eventually I began to disclose more information, but at the same time, I let him open up, too. Sometimes people are dying to speak to someone just like you are! Perhaps your new friend feels the same way? Or maybe, if you're nervous, you could ask for events in your life that are making you feel bad instead of directly addressing the mental illness; (ie - asking "How do you calm down when you're stressed? I had the worst day at work." vs outright saying "My anxiety makes my life a living hell. I can't calm down I'm so stressed.") But I think it all depends on how long you've known him for. : )

My boyfriend is studying to be a psychiatrist, so that always helps me when I am worried about speaking to him, but I actually asked him right now to give me some tips to help you out, because I was curious about what his point of view is, and he basically said this: "For serious things, I firstly recommend therapy, but if someone is in your life and develops an attachment to you, there is little that they wouldn't put up with in order to see you safe. A healthy friend will know that letting you open up is beneficial for you and being trusted with the dark parts of someone can make a person feel wanted and like they have a purpose in your life. If she is worried about opening up to people, tell her to open up at her own pace but make sure to also tell her that if she knows that the guy can be trusted, if he's a good person for her and is really caring and sweet, sometimes it is okay to let out a few secrets. If he reacts poorly, that is his loss for losing a kind person in his life".

Oh, and he said to try and cut contact with the people who treat you poorly when you're suicidal.
Aaand then he went off on a tangent and kept adding things LOLLL but basically that's the tl;dr of what he said. I think I agree! It's dangerous to let out secrets to the wrong person, but if you find a friend you want to keep, I say at least try to get some assistance from him.

ANYWAYS sorry if this was a long post! My name is Luoma, and if you need anything, anything at all, let me know! My arms are open!

Thank you so much, Luoma! Your response truly warmed my heart. I've also seen your kind words on other threads and I think it's just amazing that you have so much love to give. A lot of your points really resonated with me. I think I really just needed a push. I know, in the back of my mind, that people don't hate me as much as I think they do, but the inner voices always get to me first. Thank you for also taking the time to ask your boyfriend! Nice to have a whole team set up here, haha. I still have a lot to work through but at least I don't feel so alone now.

I hope that you go to sleep tonight (or the next night... it's 12:00am here, haha) knowing that you put a smile on a face today. Stay strong and never change!

- Ann

 

[Ann Onymous]

Hello,

What I do is try to be in good mood in front of friends. I try to be fun to be around.

I mention my problem slowly, specially at first. I'll say things like "i don't really wanna go, i have a bit of social anxiety" or "the winter is hard considering my little depression tendencies."

Thank you, friend!

It's going to take a lot of willpower not to blurt out everything that's ever gone through my head, haha, but your examples are a good way to start!

Wishing you the best!

- Ann

 

[Ann Onymous]

Well, if it's any consolation, I would hug you

It is!!! Thank you, May! If you receive a hug today/tomorrow know that it's secretly the universe transferring a hug back to you from me. If you don't, then reserve it for a later time so that the warmth that you have given me will stay with you until you do.

- Ann

 

[Ann Onymous]

Hello @Ann Onymous it's great to see you here.
I just spent some time composing the post below for another member going by the moniker 'Anonymous12' and seeing as the essence of your struggles struck me as being similar to theirs, I decided I would be lazy and just copy and paste it here... haha

I find your struggles very relatable!

Imagine you are on a log raft, and you are floating down a river. Like this:

(PS - I'm not sure if you have long hair or not but that was just how the drawing went)
The river is the river of life - complete with raging rapids, turgid bottlenecks, cascading waterfalls and serene smooth stretches of water where not a ripple can be seen.
The raft is comprised of logs that represent anything that we look to as a source of emotional security, validation, fulfilment or happiness.
Now, for the sake of simplicity, lets say that there are 6 logs that comprise this raft.
They have names, and they are named after the top 6 things that we look to. Let's see if we can name what they could be in your case.

Log 1: What Bartholomew thinks
Log 2: What Arabela thinks
Log 3: What Donald thinks
Log 4: What Winifred thinks
Log 5: What Henrietta thinks
Log 6: What Braden thinks

Now, unlike many log rafts where the logs are tightly bound together and work in unison, these logs all have a mind of their own. And you know they do.
Sometimes what Arabela thinks decides to go on a vacation, and abandons the pack. Other days, Donald throws the toys out of the cot and goes off in a huff.
Ultimately, this leaves you constantly on edge... fearing lest the precarious coexistence of the logs should disintegrate and leave you floundering in icy waters.
As such, this drives you to constantly assess and analyse the actions, reactions, words, expressions and motivations of those around you so you can best predict when to don your life jacket and start swimming.
You keep your thoughts to yourself because you're terrified that the slightest ripple could fracture the tenuous stability that the logs have. You're almost afraid to move... because... well... umm... anything could happen to this raft! You also find yourself spending a great deal of time studying the rafts of those around you and despairing of the multiplicity of flaws that you observe... 'if only other people had their rafts sorted out... I could just jump onto their raft when mine goes to pieces'!
So, living life like this sucks. Like, really sucks.
Hmm. So what's the alternative?
Well, for any one of us to find stability in this sad world, it must be by grounding ourselves principally on factors that are within our control.
So, a new log raft might look like this:

Log 1: Personal mastery - you know what your weaknesses are and you are making progress on vanquishing them.
Log 2: Goal driven - you have goals and a plan to get there.
Log 3: Proactiveness - you're working on the most important priorities in your life... instead of frittering away your time.
Log 4: Abundance mentality - you know that there is enough of everything in this life for us to give abundantly and know that everything you give comes back exponentially in time.
Log 5: Patience - you know that some of the most precious stones - pearls and diamonds - are created under enormous pressure and over a great length of time.
Log 6: Synergy - you recognise that in seeking out other like minded proactive individuals and working together you can create something far bigger than if you combined your individual efforts.

This list of 'logs' is not exhaustive, but is a good start of some things that you could possibly work on These are all things that are within your control to work on and improve...
At 21, I was in a very very dark place. One of the darkest years of my short life (I'm 26).
If there's one thing I can promise that will change over the next 5 years, it will be your mindset. The direction and scope by which it changes is in your hands
I hope at least one sentence of what I have said resonates with you.
Keep safe my friend, and I truly hope that you find some peace and clarity in your life very soon.
I'll be thinking of you.

Cody

Wow! That's amazing! Thank you so much, Cody.

Your words and the effort you went through to find this for me means a lot! Thank you for sharing a lil' bit about your life too. I'm so grateful to have received such thoughtful and wise advice. And your art is a wonderful touch, haha! Everything you've written has really touched my heart. Thank you for looking out for me. I don't know much about Anon12, but I'm sure that they were just as awestruck reading your dedicated response.

I've also looked at a few of your articles, and while they are fantastic, I think that poetic metaphors have taken over your life!!! :p Nevertheless, please continue doing what you're doing. You have a talent and it really shines through in the words that you write. More than that, it reaches into the soul and wraps it in a warm blanket, gives it a mug of hot chocolate, and holds it tight. Thank you again.

- Ann

 

[Ann Onymous]

Does your school have clubs you can join. Mine has a mental health club.

Hello!

I'm not sure that it has anything of the like. I have taken advantage of the counselling services offered for a good 2 years now. However, I just become more and more disheartened with every group therapy session, new medication, and self-help book that I read. When you're so sick and you don't know what else there is to do, you just feel so lost, ya' know? But maybe joining some other committee or going out to events will help me get out of my room and onto my feet.

Thank you for your advice!

I hope your nights are peaceful and your mornings warm. Stay strong.

Sending Canadian love to you (my fellow amie).

- Ann

 

[QuantumLeap]

The thing is, I'm always trying to do whatever I can to get people to like me. And because of this, I lie. I lie a lot. I smile every morning when I want to frown. I joke and make people laugh when really I want to cry. I pretend that nothing's wrong because I'm afraid that if people didn't like me (my paranoia speaking) when I pretended to be healthy (mentally), then why would they want me around in such a miserable state?

Ann, Ann, Ann....!!!

Please please please know that you don't need to 'put on a brave face' here... we won't judge you for just being you.
Do not feel obliged to write great eloquent responses to everyone's kind words if it could be just because you want them to 'like' you
I want you to know that we really truly just want you to be you on here... you don't have to put on a bold front... or a happy front...
Please just be you. You're great

(PS - I'm not intending to insinuate that you are writing responses just to be 'liked' but wanted to just say it anyway just in case you felt under pressure to 'be happy' on here)

 

[Ann Onymous]

Ann, Ann, Ann....!!!

Please please please know that you don't need to 'put on a brave face' here... we won't judge you for just being you.
Do not feel obliged to write great eloquent responses to everyone's kind words if it could be just because you want them to 'like' you
I want you to know that we really truly just want you to be you on here... you don't have to put on a bold front... or a happy front...
Please just be you. You're great

(PS - I'm not intending to insinuate that you are writing responses just to be 'liked' but wanted to just say it anyway just in case you felt under pressure to 'be happy' on here)

Of course, thanks, man.

I think I'm just overwhelmed with the all of the support from strangers online in lieu of the usual cynicism I have towards people, so I was just

"AH! ! SUCH LOVE AND SUPPORT! MUST TELL THEM THAT I APPRECIATE IT!! !! !"

Nevertheless - understood (and appreciated)!

 

[Innocent Forever]

Welcome Ann! So glad to have you here.
I find it hard to open up with others. I think the key is knowing they'll accept what you'll say and not saying too much in a go, giving the other enough space.
I love @cgh0991 's post!
Looking forward to seeing you around

 

[may71]

Have you thought about making art professionally?

 

[QuantumLeap]

Have you thought about making art professionally?

Hey! No sarcasm!
Hahaha :p

 

[Luoma]

Thank you so much, Luoma! Your response truly warmed my heart. I've also seen your kind words on other threads and I think it's just amazing that you have so much love to give. A lot of your points really resonated with me. I think I really just needed a push. I know, in the back of my mind, that people don't hate me as much as I think they do, but the inner voices always get to me first. Thank you for also taking the time to ask your boyfriend! Nice to have a whole team set up here, haha. I still have a lot to work through but at least I don't feel so alone now.

I hope that you go to sleep tonight (or the next night... it's 12:00am here, haha) knowing that you put a smile on a face today. Stay strong and never change!

- Ann

I am so glad my words could touch you in such a way, and I'm glad you find my other posts nice, too! I know how it feels to have those voices almost drown you out completely, so I can say that I'm coming from a place of experience when I say these things. I'm glad my little team could help, LOL! You put a smile on my face too; the world needs more sweet people like you. < 3 I wish you the absolute best! If you need anything I'm totally here to help you. You'll be in my thoughts!

 

[Ann Onymous]

Welcome Ann! So glad to have you here.
I find it hard to open up with others. I think the key is knowing they'll accept what you'll say and not saying too much in a go, giving the other enough space.
I love @cgh0991 's post!
Looking forward to seeing you around

Thank you!!!

I'll keep that in mind (at least, I'll try not to drown it out with the doubt, and the anxiety, and the insecurity)! It's comforting (although unfortunate) to know that I'm not the only one that struggles with this.

Appreciate the warm welcome!

- Ann