Always second choice

[Cyda]

I've never had a real relationship in my life (I feel really pathetic about it since I'm almost 22)
But I got close to having one 2 times. And two times something or someone was more important than me.
And it hurts a lot. I just have the feeling as if I'm not good enough. Like I'm worth nothing.
And all my friends are meeting people, getting dates, relationships or even marry. And I'm just sitting here, being a depressed little mess, wondering what is wrong with me.
It looks so easy to fall in love and find a partner. So what makes it so hard for me? I just have the feeling that I'm doomed to be alone.
Sorry for this long and negative message, but I just needed to get it of my chest.

 

[Freya]

I understand how crappy this can feel. I can tell you that over 80% of people who get married in their early 20s are divorced by 30. There isn't anything wrong with you - and you're definitely not "worth nothing". Just some people are a little different - for example my friends who all found partners quite early (and went through a whole bunch) were the people who were willing to start something with a person before they really knew if they had any attraction to them. Start something, see where it went, if it didn't go anywhere, move on. That wasn't me - I needed to be actively attracted to the person first. That meant far far fewer 'choices'. (I hope that made sense).

The fact is that from your post it is clear that you're not looking to meet people and go on dates - you want love and a relationship. That makes it harder for you because you have more invested and people can 'tell' that. It isn't wrong or bad - it just means that the 'casual dating' scene where most people meet their significant others is not as easy or open for you.

Plus - being a depressed little mess is unfortunately incredibly unattractive. Which really does suck since it is often out of our control. But people want to date people who make them feel good and cheerful and happy - they want to date people who they make feel the same way. The "doomed to be alone" negativity is just as obvious as the 'I want a relationship' vibe. Its a bit scary to potential new partners.

The best advice I can give you, honestly, is to work on yourself - do things that make you feel more confident - list out what would make you FEEL more attractive or strings you can add to your bow that you think might make you more attractive to the opposite sex. Work on yourself and, most importantly, go out and have fun doing stuff with people without putting pressure on yourself to date or find a relationship.

 

[Cyda]

Hi Freya,
thanks for the reply. You're right about the fact that the dating scene is nothing for me. I've tried it, but as you say, I need to have a real and strong attraction to someone. But you're right about working on myself. I can't make someone happy as I am now. Just gonna need some time to get myself back together. But thanks again for the advice

 

[Witty_Sarcasm]

Aww, you aren't pathetic at all, so please don't feel that way. I am older than you and also never been in a relationship, so I know it can be hard to deal with. I feel a lot like you do, like I am second choice or not worth the effort, but these are just negative thoughts and doesn't mean they are true. Just keep trying, don't put too much pressure on yourself. I am sure you will find the right one for you

 

[ThePhantomLady]

I'm sorry you feel this way, and how it is affecting you.

If someone chooses someone else over you, it does not mean you aren't good enough, it just means they weren't right for you.

You're only 22! Having a certain age and being single does not mean anything is wrong with you. You just haven't found the person who is right for you yet. Try not to stress about it, stressing over not having a partner doesn't make it happen. A lot of times once you stop stressing and trying you meet someone great.

The usual dating scene is so competitive, and I understand how stressful it is.

I met my LDR boyfriend when I was 24, before that I didn't have any proper relationships (I don't count my ex idiot as a relationship because... well, way too long a messed up story... but love had nothing to do with it)...
We met in an online 'dating' chat room, we talked for weeks, became very close friends, I was quick to fall in love, and he wanted to love me (he was still messed up after his ex), and now he does. My boyfriend was 28 when he went into his first relationship, and turning 30 when we met...
Just to say, being 22 is not a 'critical' point.

I know it's easier said than done to not worry about these things, but really, being single does not make you less of a person, or any less lovable. Just because people are in a relationship they don't have to be happy... One thing to do is to work on being happy being yourself, 'loving yourself' is the cliche term here. Being more confident and at home in your own skin makes it much easier to meet people who are worth your time, and maybe you find love then... and either way, you will be a lot happier than today.