Am I in the right track?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by zanojof, May 26, 2016.

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  1. zanojof

    zanojof Member

    hello everyone, this is my second post in SF.

    I just wanna talk to you by this post to tell you about my anxiety that occurs to me recently. So, i am 20 y.0 college student from Indonesia. I took major in MICE (Meeting, Incentive, Convention, and Exhibition) its like learning about how to arrange an events. At the first semester i felt like this is my place you know, i mean i felt like so comfortable learning and everything just running out smoothly. I knew that in this major you can take an opportunity to work into some events to learn more about it directly from the real cases. But, you need to be very close to your upper grade seniors because they had all the contact person needed to connect you to the industry. And the nightmare starts here.

    I felt that i cant mingling with others because I can't keep up with them. They all are cool kids, handsome dude, pretty girls, rich boys, etc. I tried to meet them everyday but i can't talk much because I'm in different league. I know its pathetic but its true. I know that I wouldn't do this but I felt this. I can't hide my feelings.
    I am no introvert, i used to talk much and pretty famous when I was in high school. But in college I am total shit. So i not used to the situation i am experiencing right now.

    In the other hand, many of my friends started to get the events i mentioned before, they get money, experience, more channel to the industry. And i just watch them. I felt more and more depressed. But i can still standing up and doing another things like producing music (since i am a band player when i was in high school) and make youtube channel with my friends just to kill time and forget all the bad things happening in college.

    Time passed and I now can make a song faster than before with better qualities(lol). And my youtube? i don't know, I tried to make a great content for the videos but nothing comes up within our expectations. But the good thing is I learn how to edit video. So now, I can compose some music and edit video with my new skills (yeay!).

    in the 3rd semester i got sick, i had vertigo (because i have high level of cholesterol) and its keep traumatize me until now, even I always concern about my food and my cholesterol level is normal. I have a fear that the vertigo will come back. I also losing eyesight because my right eyes now has astigmatism. I felt like my body is so fragile. So i started losing faith into myself from that time.

    Now, i am in 4th semester. My friend from college just get more events, get girlfriends/boyfriends. And my world are still the same, except my new skills that i mentioned earlier. I have no girls. And it is bothering me. A lot. I want a gf, want a good relationship, but who i am today, nothing... I mean, i love to learn about how to create an amazing events. But i cant suck on my seniors balls to get events, just like anyone doing right now. I feel like a fucking loser. Especially this last 2 weeks. I lose my 'appetite' to go to college. Become more sensitive to negative thoughts. I am experiencing some panic attacks recently.

    and i knew that...I need something to calm me down. even my worlds are trembling.

    To take back my life from depression. To standing straight again. To set a light!

    I just wanna know is everything all right, are my music production things gonna do it? or my youtube? or my career in event industry? there is a lot of question exploding in my minds asking:

    "are you gonna do it?" "is it worth it?" "will you be success someday?" "will you get a gf?"

    pls help me, i just wanna know its going to be all right, cause my worlds are falling down.

    thanks for the support,

    <signing out>
  2. Flaxney

    Flaxney Well-Known Member

    Astigmatism isn't too serious and can be rectified by contact lenses or glasses. You should keep pursuing the things that you enjoy and stop trying to be like the other people at college. That is only going to be a futile exercise. What they think about you is irrelevant, the only thing that matters is obtaining your qualification. Try joining mutual interest groups such as the ones that can be found on, as far as I understand it you have to find friends before you find a partner.
  3. zanojof

    zanojof Member

    thanks a lot for the reply, so everything is gonna be gonna be fine right? i am so worried about my future.
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