Angry at my friends lives....it wears me down...

[Rob F]

Aaaah! I don't want to feel it and I shouldn't feel this way at this age (30s) but I find myself plunging into a whole host of emotions from anger, depression, upset and self loathing when I see a friend has done something fun, gone on a trip or organised something and I'm not included. I can go from having a normal day to feeling the deepest anger in a moment. A Facebook post can trigger the most intense feelings.

I'm not a brat, I'm not 'it's all about me'. I do get it. I'm just desperately lonely and crave contact, friendship and connection. I'm not jealous of them and what they do, it just starts a wave of intense self reflection...self loathing.....What's wrong with me, I'm not a fun guy, I'm weird, odd, no one wants to do stuff with me. I've ruined the friendship, I've done something, I'm lonely, I'm unhappy. Maybe I am jealous, maybe I expect too much. But I sometimes just can't take the strength of the emotions, I don't want to react like I do. I'm a man in his thirties. This is for the school playground, not a man with a career who is all grown up.....

So what do I do.....distance myself from them. Is it because I hold it against them? Am I punishing them. Am I punishing myself. Am I protecting myself. Either way it then becomes self fulfilment......

OMG. How can one Facebook post or one comment make me like this!?!? Grown up...I don't think so.

 

[yozhik]

Hey for what it's worth, I don't think your reaction relates to you being immature. You can't help how you feel; the fact that you can take a step back and evaluate your feelings as reasonable or unreasonable is adult behavior imo.

And even if your reaction seems over the top for a fb post...yeah it's 'just a Facebook post' but it sounds like it reminds you of other shit in your life, about yourself that you're really unhappy with. So please don't be down on yourself. It's not really just the post, it's everything behind it that you're reacting to I imagine.

I'm really sorry that you feel isolated rn :/ But feeling shitty for being lonely is just human, not childish and I really hope you don't beat yourself up about it too much.

 

[Aether]

Would you invite someone on a trip if you weren't very close friends with them? Maybe you would, but many people, me included, wouldn't. It doesn't mean you're a weirdo or not a good enough friend - it just means that maybe you need to build that friendship a little more before you include each other in all of your activities.

And even if you are very close to these people you are talking about, you can never know what the reason behind their decision was. Even though we tend to blame ourselves for this type of things, chances are that it doesn't depend on you.

Either way, distancing yourself from them might not help you much since even though it feels like "revenge," it only makes those people even less likely to want to do fun things with us. I know it's tempting when we feel hurt, but it will only hurt us further.

 

[Rob F]

This is close friends. Not just random people on Facebook. Thanks for trying to give advice, but I guess this was just a rant. I know why I'm reacting, it just wears me out that I still get like this. All stems from a very low opinion of myself. The older you get the more you realise you've wasted years and inadvertently weakened friendships through such second guessing low self esteem. I think it's the what ifs that cause me the most upset now. How things could have been different if I'd been different all these years.

 

[Walker]

Hey Rob, I was just going to say that my sister is the same way as you. She's 43 and still feels very similar so maybe it's just the way some people are programmed. I've heard that more FB = more depression in some people so it's a thing out there for real. The reasons you cite are the reason people feel that way too - they're disconnected, they're not doing anything fun or exciting when it looks like others are having the time of their lives out there.
One thing I've learned though - from my own page - is that FB doesn't tell all. What appears to be good times and a good life on there really doesn't mean a damn thing. I don't look like a suicidal lunatic on FB. Not even a little. I'm put together.. I go to work.. raise kids.. hold down a stable well paid job and do what I need to do. FB isn't indicative of what life is "really" like for those people any more than yours is of you.
You keep hanging in there, man.

 

[Deety]

I don't look like a suicidal lunatic on FB.

This bit made me laugh! Me too!! haha.
@Rob F when I'm feeling particularly vulnerable I try not to go on fb, as it gets me down. Seeing what other people are up to and imagining their happy lives makes me sad for myself I think it's a natural human response, to see others doing things or having things we would to do or have too, it does make you reflect on yourself and your life. Even knowing that fb shows the best of times for most people doesn't stop that emotional response. The emotional self is not rational (well mine isn't)! Feelings are feelings, I'm working on accepting mine rather than ignoring the fact I have any. The behaviour that stems from your feelings is what I'd work on if I were you. Try to stay connected to your friends, but you don't have to see all their fb posts if you don't want to. I just use messenger when I can't take seeing people's posts. That way you are keeping in contact in a more personal way anyway.

 

[Jack D]

I often feel that I go through those exact same feelings more than I should, so although I'm aware it sounds very cliché and overused, I do to some extent understand how you feel in a situation like this.

Everyone here seems to agree that Facebook and social media is not an accurate representation of ones life, and I am inclined to agree also. People show you what they want you to see, not what is actually important. People very often don't show their struggles or insecurities, and those who do are often very brave to do so. Thats what i like about this Forum, you can say it how it is and people will receive it in an open manner.

One thing I've found myself doing, in a bit to follow more patterns of self-destruction, is to look on peoples profiles of people that I had once been very good friends with until my "demons" so to say got the better of me. It does pain me to see them getting on without much worry, but I can't expect people to show explicit and direct concern over such a public platform, and after all, they have their own lives to deal with as well.

What advice I can give may be a repeat of others, but I still hope it gives a slight shred of help. People as vulnerable as us tend to get caught up in what doesn't really matter in the long run, perhaps we need to a) distance ourselves from social media as one of my friends often calls it "toxic", or b) re-evaluate what people really are putting on and why. Often in my case when I am concluding that people don't like me due to their lack of contact, I will often force myself to think of the evidence against that said thought. So if you think you are lonely or desperate, perhaps try to reason with yourself and explore the things out there that suggest otherwise, theres got to at least be some people out there who wouldn't think so if they still talk to you or remain in contact. In a nutshell I guess, if there's nothing concrete to suggest that people think you're an odd guy or weird, then theres no reason to get too worried about it.

Sorry if this turned into a ramble, i hope it helps in some way.

 

[dugga]

I think we are hard on ourselves - we see people who we perceive as being happier than we are and the voice in our head says that they are somehow better people than us. Someone once told me that everyone is fighting their own battle - it's just that we can't always see it. I don't post pictures on FB of myself putting out the trash cans or picking up dog shit in the backyard or doing my weekly shopping at the supermarket so I don't expect it from others... although I do find it tedious when people have to post pictures of their dinner - seriously, it's just food.

 

[Acy]

I know why I'm reacting, it just wears me out that I still get like this. All stems from a very low opinion of myself. The older you get the more you realise you've wasted years and inadvertently weakened friendships through such second guessing low self esteem. I think it's the what ifs that cause me the most upset now. How things could have been different if I'd been different all these years.

Hi, Rob F. I'm sorry you have been triggered and are overwhelmed by your feelings atm. I quoted you above because I think it shows that you have insight into what triggered you...If I understood, I think the desire to have connections and be included now reminds you that you felt left out and alone in the past, and stirs up a lot of regrets.

Your feelings - well, humans just have "feelings" - they happen and are not "under our control." We can modify our understanding of our feelings and how we behave in response to our feelings. The past is gone and we cannot change it. Every "choice" we've made in the past means there was a different way we could have gone, and if feel that we "wasted time," "did the wrong things," then looking back can mean we feel regrets. But we can't change the past, so looking back and thinking "I coulda/shoulda" holds us in regrets and pain and prolongs the difficult feelings. If we could look back and think, "hey, I'm going to do things differently from now on..." we stand a good chance of improving things.

Yes, it can hurt if a close friend does something that doesn't include us. Maybe make plans with them to do a few things with them. Maybe starting with small things - movies, a hike, a concert. Deepen our connections and increase how often plans are made that include everyone in the circle.

I'm sorry you felt hurt. I do hope you look forward and not backward, now. Sitting mired in things we cannot change, in "what ifs" and "if onlys" tends to immobilize us in pain. I hope you can feel your feelings and then move on from them. *

 

[Rob F]

Thank you for your comments everyone. I guess it really is when I look at great friendships I did have and know that they were damaged by me. Not because of one big event, but because my insecurities made me act weird which they couldn't understand and over time it just faded. The general loneliness is always a problem, as I find it really hard to make friends, but knowing you had it and lost it, and it was your fault is just so hard to cope with which evokes the really strong emotions and feelings. The regret is so hard to deal with. I guess I'm angry at myself, although at the time it feels the other way round. I've actually got quite good at reflecting on my emotional feelings and looking at the objective evidence to help me see I may just be assuming things, which helps with my general low self esteem, but when I know it is actually because of me that my friendships were damaged and that is a fact, it gets all too much to handle. I guess I need to work on the handling of 'regret' and the "why was I so stupid to let that happen" thoughts. Because usually I then distance myself from those people completely as its too hard a reminder of what-if, then the vicious circle begins.

God I'm complicated!

 

[Jack D]

Thank you for your comments everyone. I guess it really is when I look at great friendships I did have and know that they were damaged by me. Not because of one big event, but because my insecurities made me act weird which they couldn't understand and over time it just faded. The general loneliness is always a problem, as I find it really hard to make friends, but knowing you had it and lost it, and it was your fault is just so hard to cope with which evokes the really strong emotions and feelings. The regret is so hard to deal with. I guess I'm angry at myself, although at the time it feels the other way round. I've actually got quite good at reflecting on my emotional feelings and looking at the objective evidence to help me see I may just be assuming things, which helps with my general low self esteem, but when I know it is actually because of me that my friendships were damaged and that is a fact, it gets all too much to handle. I guess I need to work on the handling of 'regret' and the "why was I so stupid to let that happen" thoughts. Because usually I then distance myself from those people completely as its too hard a reminder of what-if, then the vicious circle begins.

God I'm complicated!

I can empathise completely with that. I had many friends at one point until my paranoid nature made me question whether i was even worth it or if they truly wanted me. I've ended up digging myself into a hole where I'm always making a fuss with friends and the things i did to annoy them. I hope you can find some closure and help on here, as I have.