Borderline Personality Disorder | What is BPD? | Signs of BPD

[dandelions]

I've never had an insurance issue when I went to ER. what I told doctor's, nurses, psychiatrists and social workers is that they are trying to keep me safe by admitting me. But the real danger which they don't touch is when I get out and can be alone. And that I don't find real help from DBT or CBT because those are courses taught in class-like settings. Part of my illness is that I fall asleep in a class. That freaks me out that I am unable to stay awake. No ever touches this either. I point out that they are being unresponsive to my needs so they don't treat me. They let me choose to not be treated in their ineffective way.

 

[Aurelia]

I've never had an insurance issue when I went to ER. what I told doctor's, nurses, psychiatrists and social workers is that they are trying to keep me safe by admitting me. But the real danger which they don't touch is when I get out and can be alone. And that I don't find real help from DBT or CBT because those are courses taught in class-like settings. Part of my illness is that I fall asleep in a class. That freaks me out that I am unable to stay awake. No ever touches this either. I point out that they are being unresponsive to my needs so they don't treat me. They let me choose to not be treated in their ineffective way.

You need to tell them, specifically, that you are in danger of hurting yourself if they let you leave.

 

[dandelions]

You need to tell them, specifically, that you are in danger of hurting yourself if they let you leave.

SEE! that would mean theyd have to admit me and keep me because I attack myself when I get out

 

[Aurelia]

SEE! that would mean theyd have to admit me and keep me because I attack myself when I get out

Is that not what you want?

 

[dandelions]

should have said it like this: parts of me are forced to attack parts of me. i do not understand why i cannot stop. no i don’t want to do that. when i take steps to stop, my efforts are undermined and i cant control it. they say that the solution is medication. so i want to just crumble and dislove. i have no understanding of what is in me. i think people think i like this, i have no way of showing otherwise. i cant think of a way to change it. if i could just be taken by force and told “this is the cure. you are getting it one way or the other. it will be forced upon you until it takes hold and changes you” and then to find out later that the part of me i needed to keep would still be there. but i can’t do this by myself. i’m sorry, i can’t do this by myself. they tell me to check in to a hospital. tehy tell me to promise i wont do the SH but this is not me running the ship. it can’t be. i fail every time if it is. i fail every time.

 

[Aurelia]

should have said it like this: parts of me are forced to attack parts of me. i do not understand why i cannot stop. no i don’t want to do that. when i take steps to stop, my efforts are undermined and i cant control it. they say that the solution is medication. so i want to just crumble and dislove. i have no understanding of what is in me. i think people think i like this, i have no way of showing otherwise. i cant think of a way to change it. if i could just be taken by force and told “this is the cure. you are getting it one way or the other. it will be forced upon you until it takes hold and changes you” and then to find out later that the part of me i needed to keep would still be there. but i can’t do this by myself. i’m sorry, i can’t do this by myself. they tell me to check in to a hospital. tehy tell me to promise i wont do the SH but this is not me running the ship. it can’t be. i fail every time if it is. i fail every time.

Okay, so what is it that you want exactly? Proper outpatient treatment? I'm not sure I understand because I thought you said you didn't like the fact that the hospital sent you home despite you still being a danger to yourself. That's why I said what I said about you telling them you're suicidal.

 

[dandelions]

Okay, so what is it that you want exactly?

honestly i think i want a happy ending without the ordeals involved in getting there. AOW, i realize i make no sense. i realize it. i run this way and i run that way. i do want help and then it seems like i don’t want it. i can not give any satisfactory answers and i am so troubled that all i can do is confuse you. i believe that people here are trying to give me the good advice that living experience has enlightened them with in an effort to help me. you have been so helpful and i am glad because of it but i just don’t know what is going on inside here in my head and when i try to change things i cant or dont or dont because i cant and that only makes people think that i want to be this way. if i do, why do i want to be a way i hate? even in that situation, changing would be the only thing to do. why is my ability to take the necessary steps so undermined. but i don’t nkow if i told you or if i did was it here or on another post elsewhere like my story or other, i finally saw a new therapist yesterday. have to wait and see where that will lead. look, i may seem to reject help every step of the way. but it is an uphill battle the path of which has been amply coated with the slipperiest grease adn anything else to keep me at the bottom. why and where it comes from i dont know but i actually do try. complete mystery why i am like this. i’m just trying as best as i can AOW. did i say? i dont know the answer to your question. i can talk helpers out of helping so easily and regret it. i really think i’m missing a part.

 

[Aurelia]

I definitely don't think you want to be hurting. I think you're struggling and you're confused. I've rejected certain forms of help too because I don't believe they would be beneficial for me. I wasn't judging, just trying to understand. I hope you know that.

 

[dandelions]

I definitely don't think you want to be hurting. I think you're struggling and you're confused. I've rejected certain forms of help too because I don't believe they would be beneficial for me. I wasn't judging, just trying to understand. I hope you know that.

yes, i know that. i also know that i confuse people - (especially providers). i present an abundance of issues with no apparent cause and no apparent cure. i am isolated and still have not figured a way to break through. i need to be near people and i may end up infringing on other people’s space and that makes me feel like i’m on a tightrope all the time. i don’t find ease in anything. but somehow i manage to not give up...

 

[Innocent Forever]

I've no clue if this has to do with BPD or not (and as I've said so often I've never been diagnosed with anything).
Do/did you struggle with boundaries? With expecting stuff that isn't realistic and unable to handle if you don't get it and knowing that it means the other person doesn't care.
With taking too much/little.
Can't think what else.

How did you learn what is/isn't 'normal'?

 

[Aurelia]

I've no clue if this has to do with BPD or not (and as I've said so often I've never been diagnosed with anything).
Do/did you struggle with boundaries? With expecting stuff that isn't realistic and unable to handle if you don't get it and knowing that it means the other person doesn't care.
With taking too much/little.
Can't think what else.

How did you learn what is/isn't 'normal'?

All the time.

And I didn't. If I do, I'll make sure to let you know.

 

[Innocent Forever]

All the time.

And I didn't. If I do, I'll make sure to let you know.

I was just realising the other day that a lot of what happened with AH is about that. He was still wrong lol, but yeah. I would've thunk that a therapists role is to show or fully explain even if it won't be believed at least in the specific relationship what is/isn't can/can't be etc.

 

[Aurelia]

I was just realising the other day that a lot of what happened with AH is about that. He was still wrong lol, but yeah. I would've thunk that a therapists role is to show or fully explain even if it won't be believed at least in the specific relationship what is/isn't can/can't be etc.

I believe we've already established that he sucked as a therapist. And that's pretty much the bottom line because no matter what you did wrong, it was still his job to help you.

 

[Innocent Forever]

I believe we've already established that he sucked as a therapist. And that's pretty much the bottom line because no matter what you did wrong, it was still his job to help you.

lol I know. After my last rant on my blog (I think I posted it on that therapy thread) I've kinda put it to rest. For now anyways.

It's the point of the boundaries that I was realising. And that, I want to know all that I said and all the rest that I wasn't able to identify. Give me time and instead of just this

Do/did you struggle with boundaries? With expecting stuff that isn't realistic and unable to handle if you don't get it and knowing that it means the other person doesn't care.
With taking too much/little.

I'll be able to give you a longer list. Lol, this is only from my side of the fence. If I'd write my list about the other side too (letting others cross boundaries or knowing with others your own and believing you're allowed to say no etc). Give me time, kay?
I'd actually love the real list, because then maybe it's possible to realise what I'm doing when and to maybe possibly perhaps learn to do something about it.

And when you find out I'll hold you to this.

If I do, I'll make sure to let you know.

 

[Aurelia]

And when you find out I'll hold you to this.

I wouldn't hold my breath on that. Lol.

 

[Innocent Forever]

I have a headache and I'm tired and I want to give up on trying and all I ever see is the more and more and more AND STILL MORE that will need to change

 

[Innocent Forever]

Have you read the book 'I hate you don't leave me'?

 

[dandelions]

i have!!! because someone here mentioned it and it think it was AOW who mentioned it. and i immediately thought how exact it is. yes, right, and i’ve even found myself saying similar things. i’d try to read it but like so many books, they sit, half read. i have disordered reading too. but just this past friday, my new therapist told me she (and she is a doctor not a social worker) told me her diagnosis of me as aspergers. so something correct? more correct? or just another thing to add to the list? she suggests i don’t get angry enough to be BPD. but, who knows!!!

 

[Innocent Forever]

i have!!! because someone here mentioned it and it think it was AOW who mentioned it. and i immediately thought how exact it is. yes, right, and i’ve even found myself saying similar things. i’d try to read it but like so many books, they sit, half read. i have disordered reading too. but just this past friday, my new therapist told me she (and she is a doctor not a social worker) told me her diagnosis of me as aspergers. so something correct? more correct? or just another thing to add to the list? she suggests i don’t get angry enough to be BPD. but, who knows!!!

lol that's the book I sent. oh well.
About anger, that's nonsense, because anger is only one of the 9 traits, and you only need 5 for a diagnosis.
Could you have aspergers not BPD yeah, but so long as you get appropriate help it doesn't really make much difference.

 

[BiPolarParadise]

I'm in a DBT group. I've only been going about a month, but I've learned more online than I have in group.

Those of you with BPD/EUPD, can you tell me what you expect/need from a friend/partner? I'm having a tough time deciding between setting up boundaries, maybe no contact and still wanting to be there to love the person unconditionally which I do.

The main issues for me are the lashing out, due to paranoia or no discernible reason, and sometimes disappearing/withdrawing in rage.

What works best for you? How can those who love you help--what would you like us to do, and if different what do you need us to do please?

What a great question! Thanks for asking it. I am diagnosed with Bipolar 1 and BPD. I have been in DBT for almost 2 years now. After rehashing the hundreds of failed relationships in my life I've concluded that what I really need in a partner is firmness, consistency, and compassion.
The most important thing a spouse can do is to let your partner know that you love them unconditionally. Tell them and show them "I'm not going anywhere. I'm still going to love you."
Borderline PD is a scary disorder for everyone touched by it. Personally, I felt so unworthy and unlovable at times that when my partner said he loves me I almost took it as a challenge to prove him wrong...just so I can say "See! I knew you didn't love me."
Fear of abandonment is the fuel that feeds my fire...to the point where everything goes down in flames.
Maybe you could talk to a therapist to help you while you try to navigate your relationship? Therapy is always a good thing. I hope things get easier for you both.