@Angel368, I also did feel relief after being diagnosed with BPD about 2 years ago. Things started to make sense of why I was the way I am, and it helped me better understand my thought processes, and the relationships I have with people. I have been studying a book of DBT, a proven effective therapy to help those with BPD, founded by Marsha Linehan, and it has helped me put more in perspective of how to diminish thoughts that cause someone with BPD distress. It gives me a glimpse of what it's like to have "normal" and healthy thoughts.
I don't know how many of those will read this post, for someone who is suffering with BPD or love and support with BPD who is reading this, I empathize with you. If someone can benefit from it, then it was worth writing.
As I researched about BPD soon after I was diagnosed, I realized that I do meet most of the criteria of the DSM. I have a high mark of instability of relationships, and poor self image. I do make efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. I have a very unstable sense of sense, and often feel hopelessness and emptiness, and feel that I don't know who I am. And of course, which commonly goes with BPD, I have an extreme instability of emotions.
For what seemed forever, years and years while growing into adulthood, I've always wondered why I was different. Everyone around me didn't seem so affected by their emotions, and they seemed like they had "healthier" relationships than me. I got quickly attached to my first bf, after developing a sexual relationship with him, and it took me about 3 years to "get over it."I literally thought about him every day for 3 years after breaking up, and all of a sudden one day I realize I wasn't think of him anymore. Maybe my brain got tired of thinking of someone who no longer really existed in my life anyone, who knows. But, I couldn't tell you how much mental torture it is, knowing that my first love has ended, and that clearly he has moved on way quicker than me. So why didn't I deserve the same? Relationships that I have had after that, and ended never really got "easier", but I think my first bf was the worse to get over it. I have had many flings, I do attribute it profoundly to my BPD of my instability of maintaining a romantic relationship and in constantly looking for a new thrill. Mostly, I feel like I get bored with people, and will always look for something new. One of my greatest fears as I stated above is abandonment, that I may say or do something wrong that the other person will leave me.
Often times, I have a lack of sense of self. I don't really know who I am, or where I am going. I have few interests, and hobbies, perhaps again because I get bored easily. And I'm horrible in making decisions, and sometimes feel it would be easier if someone made all the life decisions for me. I have no career path right now, and it's depressing because I feel that I should have had everything figured out by now. I am still trying to figure that part out
I have extremely low self esteem, and self image. Mainly because I feel like I can never do anything right. And that I always tell myself what a failure I am, and that I will never be able to succeed at anything. I guess that coincides with my depression.
Learning to deal with emotions is one of the BIGGEST struggles I have with BPD. It's kind of like learning to re wire your brain. I had to re learn to let things go. Someone could say or do something, and I will automatically have a high reactivity towards it. Sometimes I would blow things out of proportion, and/or dwell on it for hours or days. It can affect my mood so quickly. A lot of times I have to tell myself to let it go, and not dwell on it because it's the only way I know how to cope.
BPD is horrible to suffer with, but I do know that, clinically researched, BPD tends to get better on it's own as the person gets older. People develop coping strategies, naturally, in order to have some relief over the symptoms.
For those of you with BPD, you are never alone. We suffer together, we are in this together.
Love and peace,
Candy