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BPD Support Thread
- Thread starter Aurelia
- Start date
I feel like I've grown a lot too. I'm definitely not the same person I was at 19 when I first got diagnosed with this. I've learned to control my behavior a lot more since then. But it's so difficult to tell whether someone is abusive or not when you first meet them because they don't act that way at first.
Have you ever had the thought of, "Maybe I make people abusive because of how I act?" I think that sometimes, and I honestly don't know whether it's true or not. It's possible that because I'm difficult to deal with, maybe I change them into something different than they used to be. So maybe it's partially my fault that I get treated like that.
Back when I still did cut, this guy was like, "This is embarrassing, how can I explain it to my friends?" instead of trying to understand why I was hurting. So I think that's one way people put the blame on us, by making us look defective. Or saying we're being unreasonable even when our emotions are in a normal range.
My husband does that all the time. Every time I disagree with him, he concludes that I'm being ridiculous because I have BPD. Like, what the fuck? So every time I voice my opinion and it doesn't align with yours that means I'm crazy because of my disorder? It's fucking bullshit.
And people who worry about how something will look to other people instead of being supportive are fucking selfish. Their reputation and social relationships seem to matter more than the person they claim to love if they do some shit like that.
And people who worry about how something will look to other people instead of being supportive are fucking selfish. Their reputation and social relationships seem to matter more than the person they claim to love if they do some shit like that.
Yes, and it is not fair. Even MH professionals will shy away from treating people with BPD. The good news is DBT is an effective treatment. It is difficult to complete, but the few people I know that went through it are doing a lot better. Another piece of good news is most people will see symptoms decrease as they age, known as aging out.
My two cents. I realize there is variation so not everyone is as described below. I am writing from an amalgam of experiences. The main reason I am writing is to bring attention to the book mentioned below. It may help you to find words to describe what it is like for you.
I have found the following book helpful in relating to people with BPD - "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me," by Hal Straus Jerold J. Kreisman MD. It helped me understand people with the diagnosis a little bit. The following made it easier for me to understand: "As Marsha Linehan, a leading expert on BPD, noted, “Borderline individuals are the psychological equivalent of third-degree burn patients. They simply have, so to speak, no emotional skin. Even the slightest touch or movement can create immense suffering.”
- Kreisman MD, Jerold J.. I Hate You--Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality . Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition. "No emotion skin" spoke to me. I tried to remember what it is like for someone to say something cruel to me at a time when I was most vulnerable, and then imagine that's how I felt for every little thing in my life.
I also learned that I can't let things slide. Guys are good at that, but a person with BPD does not seem to be able to let things go, so things most be adressed, and it is difficult and tiring. I can't let things slide, when something goes sideways in a relationship, I have to take responsibility for my part AND help the other person take responsibility for their part. Not easy or natural for me as I can easily forgive and forget, but necessary work when relating to someone who sees in black and white. All good or all bad. They need to see I can't continually be wrong every time and they are right everytime, there is usually a lot of gray area.
Reading the book also helped me have more patience and learn not to become defensive. It is tricky though, you can't attribute everything to BPD. Some of it is just regular stuff and I am relating to a person, not a diagnosis, so they get the same respect. Seeing everyone as having value and being worthy of friendship luckily does come naturally to me.
I also incorporated ideas from the book to relating to others without BPD. The book was helpful for me. I am interested in psychology and took a class in it and I am interested in counseling so I am naturally more open to taking advice from a book like that.
We are all human and would like the world to adapt to us. Just as it would be easier for the person you relate to, to change and you stay the same, it is also easier for the other person if you would change and they stay the same. That is true for any two people. It takes a lot of work. On top of that, most people do not have the skills to deal with MH issues, they need education. You know what it's like and the coping mechanisms, but they do not.
Seeing war action on video is a lot different than being a soldier in war. I know it is difficult for you, but I have not experienced what it is like to have BPD and so I do not know how you suffer. I know what suffering is and what it is like for me to suffer, but I do not suffer as frequently as you do. It took me a long time to start to understand what it is like for a person with BPD. I hope your start feeling a little bit better soon my friends.
My two cents. I realize there is variation so not everyone is as described below. I am writing from an amalgam of experiences. The main reason I am writing is to bring attention to the book mentioned below. It may help you to find words to describe what it is like for you.
I have found the following book helpful in relating to people with BPD - "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me," by Hal Straus Jerold J. Kreisman MD. It helped me understand people with the diagnosis a little bit. The following made it easier for me to understand: "As Marsha Linehan, a leading expert on BPD, noted, “Borderline individuals are the psychological equivalent of third-degree burn patients. They simply have, so to speak, no emotional skin. Even the slightest touch or movement can create immense suffering.”
- Kreisman MD, Jerold J.. I Hate You--Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality . Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition. "No emotion skin" spoke to me. I tried to remember what it is like for someone to say something cruel to me at a time when I was most vulnerable, and then imagine that's how I felt for every little thing in my life.
I also learned that I can't let things slide. Guys are good at that, but a person with BPD does not seem to be able to let things go, so things most be adressed, and it is difficult and tiring. I can't let things slide, when something goes sideways in a relationship, I have to take responsibility for my part AND help the other person take responsibility for their part. Not easy or natural for me as I can easily forgive and forget, but necessary work when relating to someone who sees in black and white. All good or all bad. They need to see I can't continually be wrong every time and they are right everytime, there is usually a lot of gray area.
Reading the book also helped me have more patience and learn not to become defensive. It is tricky though, you can't attribute everything to BPD. Some of it is just regular stuff and I am relating to a person, not a diagnosis, so they get the same respect. Seeing everyone as having value and being worthy of friendship luckily does come naturally to me.
I also incorporated ideas from the book to relating to others without BPD. The book was helpful for me. I am interested in psychology and took a class in it and I am interested in counseling so I am naturally more open to taking advice from a book like that.
We are all human and would like the world to adapt to us. Just as it would be easier for the person you relate to, to change and you stay the same, it is also easier for the other person if you would change and they stay the same. That is true for any two people. It takes a lot of work. On top of that, most people do not have the skills to deal with MH issues, they need education. You know what it's like and the coping mechanisms, but they do not.
Seeing war action on video is a lot different than being a soldier in war. I know it is difficult for you, but I have not experienced what it is like to have BPD and so I do not know how you suffer. I know what suffering is and what it is like for me to suffer, but I do not suffer as frequently as you do. It took me a long time to start to understand what it is like for a person with BPD. I hope your start feeling a little bit better soon my friends.
My therapist said something about peace and stability and you have to protect it like you would an infant. So that's something I need to keep in mind. She wants me to practice all the things I've learned when I'm doing well, so they will be easier to turn to when I'm feeling emotional and my mind is clouded. And we talked about a full relapse vs. partial relapse. I think I've only had partial so far which is better than I was a few years ago, so I'm seeing some progress and I'm happy about it.
Understandable. The partner needs to be willing to do their part.
You have been living and coping with BPD a long time. I realize you probably already know what I say below. I write it in an attempt for myself to understand BPD better.
People with BPD are attracted to narcissist because they are the opposite and have qualities a person with BPD does not have. People with BPD struggle with self identity and a narcissist has a strong sense of self identity. People with with BPD do not want to be narcissist, they are just trying to complete themselves and be like everyone else.
You have been living and coping with BPD a long time. I realize you probably already know what I say below. I write it in an attempt for myself to understand BPD better.
People with BPD are attracted to narcissist because they are the opposite and have qualities a person with BPD does not have. People with BPD struggle with self identity and a narcissist has a strong sense of self identity. People with with BPD do not want to be narcissist, they are just trying to complete themselves and be like everyone else.
So as I've written elsewhere on forum my friend had a baby.
My evening so far has consisted of hundreds of texts that my friend had a baby (to the same people). Telling another friend at least 30 times that my friend had a baby. Telling anyone who would listen to me over and over that my friend had a baby. I'm calming down. Slowly. She had a baby yesterday. I don't know how to handle it. The excitement and joy. It's strange. The intensity. That I've never known could be associated with something positive. The friend I was talking to told me, E, I hope you know that it's not normal (how I'm reacting). She's okay with it. She just wanted me to know that it's not normal. And I'm like what's not normal. I'm excited! The part that I can't handle it and don't know what to do with myself. I don't know what to do with myself. It's okay I'm not worried about what to do. It's just, yeah, I guess I'm extreme. Okay, I counted. I sent one friend 30 messages that this person (who she doesn't know) had a baby. I sent other people less messages. I said on the phone to anyone who would listen over and over - until the main friend I was talking to me said to me that if the only reason I'm talking to her is to tell her yet again that she had a baby she doesn't want to talk to me. I've been crying (coz' I'm so happy, I think).
So, my friend had a baby. I think by tomorrow I'll have calmed down....
I wonder if I'm right in thinking that it's connected to this (thread).
My evening so far has consisted of hundreds of texts that my friend had a baby (to the same people). Telling another friend at least 30 times that my friend had a baby. Telling anyone who would listen to me over and over that my friend had a baby. I'm calming down. Slowly. She had a baby yesterday. I don't know how to handle it. The excitement and joy. It's strange. The intensity. That I've never known could be associated with something positive. The friend I was talking to told me, E, I hope you know that it's not normal (how I'm reacting). She's okay with it. She just wanted me to know that it's not normal. And I'm like what's not normal. I'm excited! The part that I can't handle it and don't know what to do with myself. I don't know what to do with myself. It's okay I'm not worried about what to do. It's just, yeah, I guess I'm extreme. Okay, I counted. I sent one friend 30 messages that this person (who she doesn't know) had a baby. I sent other people less messages. I said on the phone to anyone who would listen over and over - until the main friend I was talking to me said to me that if the only reason I'm talking to her is to tell her yet again that she had a baby she doesn't want to talk to me. I've been crying (coz' I'm so happy, I think).
So, my friend had a baby. I think by tomorrow I'll have calmed down....
I wonder if I'm right in thinking that it's connected to this (thread).
So can you imagine what the numerous texts I've sent have been like?