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BPD Support Thread
- Thread starter Aurelia
- Start date
Built up a tolerance most likely and wine compared to the harder shit maybe gives off the illusion that you can drink more of it, but it still ends up being too much in the end? I'm also right there with both you and Witty on the whole "How the fuck am I still alive?" thing. Feels like most people probably wouldn't even have lasted very long in our heads, let alone the shit we do to ourselves to try to escape.
I started writing this in a different thread at first, but upon further consideration, was like, "Wait...this definitely belongs in the BPD thread..." Am I the only one this happens to constantly or no?
Anyway, for the bitching part: I guess it looks to everyone as if I'm just always going to give up on any kind of stability...because I always do. I mean, I don't know what the fuck it is, maybe it's just not "fun and exciting" anymore after a certain point (or never was), and hence, takes some serious effort to even DO in the first place. Because yeah, I admit, I like my little dose of chaos here and there. Normalcy bores the fuck out of me. I can maybe stand it for a certain amount of time, but eventually, it always drives me up a fucking wall. That's why I can't keep most jobs for long and why I'm never attracted to anyone normal romantically. I like extreme, extraordinary, over-the-top...and yet, I DON'T like the misery that it eventually causes, and it basically always does, but despite knowing that, I'll still chase that rush. It's no fucking surprise, I guess, that we're pretty much all addicts around here, huh? Everything we enjoy is like a drug to us, and because we don't want to let it go (even just temporarily), we cling to it as tightly as possible, until it eventually lets us go.
Anyway, for the bitching part: I guess it looks to everyone as if I'm just always going to give up on any kind of stability...because I always do. I mean, I don't know what the fuck it is, maybe it's just not "fun and exciting" anymore after a certain point (or never was), and hence, takes some serious effort to even DO in the first place. Because yeah, I admit, I like my little dose of chaos here and there. Normalcy bores the fuck out of me. I can maybe stand it for a certain amount of time, but eventually, it always drives me up a fucking wall. That's why I can't keep most jobs for long and why I'm never attracted to anyone normal romantically. I like extreme, extraordinary, over-the-top...and yet, I DON'T like the misery that it eventually causes, and it basically always does, but despite knowing that, I'll still chase that rush. It's no fucking surprise, I guess, that we're pretty much all addicts around here, huh? Everything we enjoy is like a drug to us, and because we don't want to let it go (even just temporarily), we cling to it as tightly as possible, until it eventually lets us go.
Holy shit, you read my mind. I can't do ordinary. It's extraordinary or nah. Currently off my rocker either from the booze or the bpd I can't tell, but I'm an addict through and through. My bf if i can still call him that is just as broken as me and it's hard to not feel like if he was a normie he wouldn't bore me. But chasing the rush is exactly how I feel constantly.
Why do you say "if you can still call him that"? Did he say otherwise or act otherwise in some way? Also, does he have any issues with addiction or is it just you who does? Either scenario can still be pretty fucked up, though. When both people are addicts, yeah, you understand what the other is going through but if one is using and the other isn't, in come the lies, broken communication, lack of trust, and everything else that stems from that. Or if they never had any addiction issues, then you don't feel like you even get what the other is going through and that causes anger and resentment. You can't fucking win it seems. Life will find some way to fuck you. It gives you every reason to want to use and then every reason to hate yourself for it.
Oh he's an addict too. He's ADHD and that lead to an opiate addiction. Which I dont like so I understand his distaste for mine. We both have lied about our own addictions. But mine has a personal twist for him. As I just mentioned in a DM. Definitely feel like we can't win. I'm with a person who is chronically inattentive due to his diagnosis as a person who can't deal with inattentive. I know or hope he loves me. But ADHD and BPD don't mix well...
Right, that's exactly what I was trying to say. As an example, my husband once said that he "knew" I'd never try to kill myself so he didn't need to worry. I definitely wanted to purposely do something to make him worry because at that time, I really didn't know whether I would have tried or not, so it's like how the fuck would you know?