I grew up in a family of 9 siblings, my mom was my dad's second wife, I am her first child. I feel like I was never loved, I don't think that she never loved me, just that she had to show impartiality toward me when my half brothers and sisters were all staring at her every move, so she was harsh towards me and I believe that I ended up representating all the negative emotions and unfulfilled expectations of that relationship. Of my knowledge I'm the only one of her 5 children she has ever disciplined physically and I'm not talking about a slapping of the wrist or spanking but a full on beating that left me with bleeding and bruises. I had to make up stories for when I went back to school. I do believe that she hated me at one point, which quickly disappeared after my younger sister was born, I didn't stop though, I hated her more because I was truly alone now, she was enamoured with her new baby I was now invisible. No sibling my age, no mom, my dad was always traveling. My family always had relatives staying over, I was sexually abused by 2 male cousins and 1 female on separate occasions, multiple times by the males. For a child craving attention, any type of attention, this felt amazing emotionally, I hated the physical act but I loved feeling special, like I was chosen for this and we had a secret, someone saw me. I started replicating some of the sexual acts with toys and sometimes everyday objects, this infuriated my mom and only summoned her rage instead of asking herself why her child was displaying this behaviour. Throughout my life even though I knew that this thinking is wrong and twisted I could not help it. I wanted the attention of men who would give me that feeling of being visible. I have never heard my parents say I love you, in our culture it's a sign of weakness. I can't remember being hugged by my parents. I remember I got into a bike accident with a cousin and right after he hugged me and told me how sorry he was and checked if I was hurt, I still remember the hug, it felt so good!! To be held, to have someone check to see if I'm ok. So I've gone in relationship s that were not especially meaningful, just because I could get seen, just because I could matter for someone. I used to fantasize in my teen about being in an abusive relationship, not that I particularly wanted to be in one, I just was that broken. I have been suicidal since was little, I ran away often. The suicidal thoughts have only gotten worse with time, especially now in my current situation, with a man I wish I never married, a man who can be loving and affectionate one second and they next be vicious and deliberately start arguments. I have said and done things with this man that are so out of my character that I wonder who I am sometimes. I get blamed for all his shortcomings, why he can't do anything. He always had an excuse for why he did or did not do something and it's always my fault. He admitted to me that he has slept with over 40 women since we started dating I believe this number to be in the 50s. He says he's done with that life, and yes as crazy as it sounds I forgave him but not a day goes by when he doesn't say "if you don't treat me right I'll go get my needs met elsewhere, you have no idea how many women would love to sleep with me" (I am toning it down, what he says is a lot more vulgar). He hasn't worked in over 2 years he was fired shortly before I delivered my son and hasn't worked since, I got laid off recently, after working the whole time supporting the family and whenever he manages to sell an item or make a dollar or two he would belittle me, saying things like "I was out driving around to make this money while you were sitting on your a**) then turn around and say we're a team and need to work together and we'll get out of this. I'm sorry it's so long already. I feel like I'm being drowned and as my lungs are filling with water and I'm losing consciousness he brings me up lets me breathe and in the instant that I am disturbingly grateful for that mercy and start to think that I'll be spared I'm dunked back in. I must leave this relationship, I might be too broken to find love, but like the song says, I'd rather be alone than unhappy.