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Can't fight this feeling

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Magalee

Hold on to hope
#1
Last night I felt this sinking feeling coming over me, an intense sadness and aching in my heart that's so familiar because it's been a part of me my whole life. I'm falling back into the pit I just climbed out of after a wonderful week of feeling at peace and even happy.

I've been on this site long enough to know that the next question is, did something happen that started this feeling, and the answer of course is yes.

My therapist gives me little assignments each week. Last week she had me make a list of my good qualities. A month ago I wouldn't have been able to put one thing on the list, but I've been so much better since I posted my story here, I had a pretty good list.

Went to therapy, shared my list with her, and the assignment for this week was, ask my family members to tell me my good qualities. I guess she thought this was going to be a real boost to my self esteem.

A month ago I wouldn't have even attempted, but yesterday I was in this amazing, contented, peaceful mood, so I asked son#2, and all he could come up with is "you care a lot, but it's also your worst quality because, you care a lot." Not exactly flattering, but I was at least glad he knew I cared about him.

After dinner I asked my husband the same question and he couldn't even tell me one thing. He said, " Well, I'm going to need some time to think about it."

That's when the feeling started. It didn't hit me all at once. It kind of eased in the back of my mind, like a cat settling in your lap.

Now I feel like I've lost all the progress I've made since telling my story, which was huge for me. Telling my story, it felt like my little girl-self finally felt accepted and loved and cared for after being ignored for decades.

Now I feel, if the people closest to me can't do any better than that, I'm a terrible person. I'm trying to fight that thought by telling myself I can't get my feelings about myself from other people, I have to find a way to be ok with myself regardless of what anyone says, but here I sit, crying and feeling unlovable. I know I won't ask Son#1 and my daughter for fear I'll get more of the same.

I was hoping someone could give me some words of wisdom. Right now I feel like a failure in the only relationships I have in the whole world.

It's scary for me to even post a thread, and normally I would never ask for help, but I'm working really hard to change, so here it is. At least I expressed the feelings instead of stuffing them.
 
#2
I'm not sure I'd be game to ask my daughters what they think my good qualities are, I know they love me but teenagers/young adults don't tend to think about much other than themselves.

How has your husband been with your issues so far? Has he struggled to deal with them? Is soI can only think he's being cautious as he may be wanting to make sure he says the right thing?

You seem to know the answer already though, in the end it is only how you feel about yourself that matters, so focus on your list. We're all our own harshest critic so you should be really happy that you could come up with a good list yourself.

It's great that you feel better for having opened up on here, keep posting and I'm sure you get some really good ideas from people who have had to deal wth similar things, you'll be back to having another wonderful week before you know it.

Take care
 

Magalee

Hold on to hope
#3
I'm not sure I'd be game to ask my daughters what they think my good qualities are, I know they love me but teenagers/young adults don't tend to think about much other than themselves.

How has your husband been with your issues so far? Has he struggled to deal with them? Is soI can only think he's being cautious as he may be wanting to make sure he says the right thing?

You seem to know the answer already though, in the end it is only how you feel about yourself that matters, so focus on your list. We're all our own harshest critic so you should be really happy that you could come up with a good list yourself.

It's great that you feel better for having opened up on here, keep posting and I'm sure you get some really good ideas from people who have had to deal wth similar things, you'll be back to having another wonderful week before you know it.

Take care
Thank you for responding. My husband is a kind person but he is also very duty bound, for example, because he took marriage vows, divorce is not an option, even if he wants one (and he might). His duty comes before anything.

I know my depression issues have certainly made his life more difficult. On the other hand, he went through a period where he was suicidal, so he knows how it feels, but his high level of duty/responsibility to the family prevented him from considering it seriously.

You may be right that he is being cautious, anticipating a reaction from me, and so he's choosing his words carefully.

I thought it was an easy question. If either of them asked ME, I could rattle off three things without even thinking hard. It hurts to think its such a chore for them, especially because I've loved and cared for all of them, and even sacrificed many things and put myself last for them.

Anyway, thanks for responding. It means so much when anyone responds with kindness. My mindset is to expect the opposite (which is really sick) and so your comments help me to change those negative expectations that are so entrenched in my mind.
 

DrownedFishOnFire

Back into the wild where I belong. Out of your way
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#4
Was going to say that your husband wanted more meaningful response instead of generic ones off the top of their head. Maybe he is thinking of many unique ways to say what makes you awesome!

Hugs there! I like seeing you around the forums by the way
 

Magalee

Hold on to hope
#5
Was going to say that your husband wanted more meaningful response instead of generic ones off the top of their head. Maybe he is thinking of many unique ways to say what makes you awesome!

Hugs there! I like seeing you around the forums by the way
Thank you for saying that drowned fish!

My husband came home from work today with a list of ten qualities.:oops:

So: 1) i completely misread his response to me yesterday; 2) I was miserable for nothing, and 3) I feel rather sheepish for starting this thread!:oops:

Thanks to all for comforting me.
Is there any way to delete this??!!!:eek:
 

DrownedFishOnFire

Back into the wild where I belong. Out of your way
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#6
Aww that's sweet of him!

Nooo lets keep this thread up as its so heartwarming lol if you still want you can ask a mod to move this to your private diary section for a keepstake or have it deleted as well I believe
 

AmboySlim

Well-Known Member
#7
Thank you for saying that drowned fish!

My husband came home from work today with a list of ten qualities.:oops:

So: 1) i completely misread his response to me yesterday; 2) I was miserable for nothing, and 3) I feel rather sheepish for starting this thread!:oops:

Thanks to all for comforting me.
Is there any way to delete this??!!!:eek:
Welp I thought I was going to get through today without crying
 
#8
I have to agree with @DrownedFishOnFire , this shows a great outcome for something that people on here go through on a daily basis. I know most of the issues I have are from misreading a situation and then just over analysing it to only come up with the negative options. I need to take a leaf out of your book, put it out here, have other people show that there might be some positive reasons for it, and then hopefully it's one of those that bares out.

Hope this gets your week heading back to being another wonderful one.

Take care
 

Magalee

Hold on to hope
#10
I have to agree with @DrownedFishOnFire , this shows a great outcome for something that people on here go through on a daily basis. I know most of the issues I have are from misreading a situation and then just over analysing it to only come up with the negative options. I need to take a leaf out of your book, put it out here, have other people show that there might be some positive reasons for it, and then hopefully it's one of those that bares out.

Hope this gets your week heading back to being another wonderful one.

Take care
Thanks dtc, for all the support! I hope I can be more positive next time something like this happens. ;)
 

Shannew

Well-Known Member
#11
Hi Magalee,
As i read through your story and follow up comments, I can see that there are a few common thinking errors in what you say. For example, the most obvious one I've seen is called catastrophising. This is when we thinking things are worse than they are so when you say your family not giving you the responses you want means that you're a terrible person. I hope you can see how thats an error in thinking. There are a few other common though errors that I think you might be victim to and that is probably contributing to your low mood/ depression. Heres a link so you can identify when you do perform errors in thinking: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...inking-errors-will-crush-your-mental-strength

Now i don't want you to think, I'm attacking you in anyway. these thought errors are common but do affect our lives negatively.
A common treatment psychologists use is that they get you to identify these errors in thinking and replace the thoughts with something more likely and positive. e.g. my son probably has a lot of positive things to stay about me but maybe he was nervous being put on the spot and just blurted out something mindless or was confused about the purpose of my question- it doesnt mean I'm a bad parent.

I encourage you to keep a daily diary of these negative thoughts and replace them with more positive ones. Hopefully this will improve things for you at least a little bit.

All the best my friend x

P.S. you definitely have an amazing caring quality which you should never be ashamed of, its the reason you can and have been able to support so many people on this site x
 

Magalee

Hold on to hope
#12
Thank you @Shannew! You are right, I get into a lot of trouble thinking that way. I understand why I do it; it's that little girl inside, she's convinced nothing good can ever happen! Just have to keep fighting. Call me out on this any time you see it!!
 
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Magalee

Hold on to hope
#13
Hi Magalee,
As i read through your story and follow up comments, I can see that there are a few common thinking errors in what you say. For example, the most obvious one I've seen is called catastrophising. This is when we thinking things are worse than they are so when you say your family not giving you the responses you want means that you're a terrible person. I hope you can see how thats an error in thinking. There are a few other common though errors that I think you might be victim to and that is probably contributing to your low mood/ depression. Heres a link so you can identify when you do perform errors in thinking: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...inking-errors-will-crush-your-mental-strength

Now i don't want you to think, I'm attacking you in anyway. these thought errors are common but do affect our lives negatively.
A common treatment psychologists use is that they get you to identify these errors in thinking and replace the thoughts with something more likely and positive. e.g. my son probably has a lot of positive things to stay about me but maybe he was nervous being put on the spot and just blurted out something mindless or was confused about the purpose of my question- it doesnt mean I'm a bad parent.

I encourage you to keep a daily diary of these negative thoughts and replace them with more positive ones. Hopefully this will improve things for you at least a little bit.

All the best my friend x

P.S. you definitely have an amazing caring quality which you should never be ashamed of, its the reason you can and have been able to support so many people on this site x
Hey, I just read that article and it is excellent! Unfortunately, I do all of them. Guess I have some work to do...thank you!
 

Shannew

Well-Known Member
#14
Hey, I just read that article and it is excellent! Unfortunately, I do all of them. Guess I have some work to do...thank you!
Thats great! Because now you can work on it :)
I encourage you to try and make it a daily practice, to replace these negative thoughts with positive ones.

Looking forward to hearing about your better days x
 

Magalee

Hold on to hope
#15
Thats great! Because now you can work on it :)
I encourage you to try and make it a daily practice, to replace these negative thoughts with positive ones.

Looking forward to hearing about your better days x
I'm fighting! Some days they kick my a**, other days I kick butt!!
 
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