Last night I felt this sinking feeling coming over me, an intense sadness and aching in my heart that's so familiar because it's been a part of me my whole life. I'm falling back into the pit I just climbed out of after a wonderful week of feeling at peace and even happy.
I've been on this site long enough to know that the next question is, did something happen that started this feeling, and the answer of course is yes.
My therapist gives me little assignments each week. Last week she had me make a list of my good qualities. A month ago I wouldn't have been able to put one thing on the list, but I've been so much better since I posted my story here, I had a pretty good list.
Went to therapy, shared my list with her, and the assignment for this week was, ask my family members to tell me my good qualities. I guess she thought this was going to be a real boost to my self esteem.
A month ago I wouldn't have even attempted, but yesterday I was in this amazing, contented, peaceful mood, so I asked son#2, and all he could come up with is "you care a lot, but it's also your worst quality because, you care a lot." Not exactly flattering, but I was at least glad he knew I cared about him.
After dinner I asked my husband the same question and he couldn't even tell me one thing. He said, " Well, I'm going to need some time to think about it."
That's when the feeling started. It didn't hit me all at once. It kind of eased in the back of my mind, like a cat settling in your lap.
Now I feel like I've lost all the progress I've made since telling my story, which was huge for me. Telling my story, it felt like my little girl-self finally felt accepted and loved and cared for after being ignored for decades.
Now I feel, if the people closest to me can't do any better than that, I'm a terrible person. I'm trying to fight that thought by telling myself I can't get my feelings about myself from other people, I have to find a way to be ok with myself regardless of what anyone says, but here I sit, crying and feeling unlovable. I know I won't ask Son#1 and my daughter for fear I'll get more of the same.
I was hoping someone could give me some words of wisdom. Right now I feel like a failure in the only relationships I have in the whole world.
It's scary for me to even post a thread, and normally I would never ask for help, but I'm working really hard to change, so here it is. At least I expressed the feelings instead of stuffing them.
I've been on this site long enough to know that the next question is, did something happen that started this feeling, and the answer of course is yes.
My therapist gives me little assignments each week. Last week she had me make a list of my good qualities. A month ago I wouldn't have been able to put one thing on the list, but I've been so much better since I posted my story here, I had a pretty good list.
Went to therapy, shared my list with her, and the assignment for this week was, ask my family members to tell me my good qualities. I guess she thought this was going to be a real boost to my self esteem.
A month ago I wouldn't have even attempted, but yesterday I was in this amazing, contented, peaceful mood, so I asked son#2, and all he could come up with is "you care a lot, but it's also your worst quality because, you care a lot." Not exactly flattering, but I was at least glad he knew I cared about him.
After dinner I asked my husband the same question and he couldn't even tell me one thing. He said, " Well, I'm going to need some time to think about it."
That's when the feeling started. It didn't hit me all at once. It kind of eased in the back of my mind, like a cat settling in your lap.
Now I feel like I've lost all the progress I've made since telling my story, which was huge for me. Telling my story, it felt like my little girl-self finally felt accepted and loved and cared for after being ignored for decades.
Now I feel, if the people closest to me can't do any better than that, I'm a terrible person. I'm trying to fight that thought by telling myself I can't get my feelings about myself from other people, I have to find a way to be ok with myself regardless of what anyone says, but here I sit, crying and feeling unlovable. I know I won't ask Son#1 and my daughter for fear I'll get more of the same.
I was hoping someone could give me some words of wisdom. Right now I feel like a failure in the only relationships I have in the whole world.
It's scary for me to even post a thread, and normally I would never ask for help, but I'm working really hard to change, so here it is. At least I expressed the feelings instead of stuffing them.