confused and lonely

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by udiyfjygmyiyd, Jul 26, 2017.

  1. udiyfjygmyiyd

    udiyfjygmyiyd Member

    SHORT VERSION: Anyone here in a close situation?

    PROLOGUE: I am writing this fast because my mind is moving very fast on this subject. It probably will be hard to read. I posted this on a different subreddit and then got shy and deleted it and I forgot what subreddit it was so now I am posting this here. I am just trying to find support because I can't tell anyone any of this unless it's anonymous. I am a teenage male and I haven't been to school in over a year because of severe depression, anxiety, and other diagnosed things. I know a lot of people in the past few years say things like "oh I am like so depressed" , or people are like "so and so wouldn't text me back, my life sucks I'm gonna kill myself", but I really have a chronic illness that I wanted to be dead rather than conscious, according to the U.S.A. I am disabled by these diseases, so some jokes upset me. My therapist who I have been seeing for about a year doesn't know a lot about me, I have paranoia and trust issues that really make it almost impossible to trust real people, for some reason it is fine for me to do it on the internet though ( paranoia in my situation - "is reluctant to confide in others because of unwarranted fear that the information will be used maliciously against him or her" ). MAIN STORY: Ever since I was like 6 years old I would have dreams that I was in another skin, like it was still me but I had the body of some female celebrity I had seen on tv. Those dreams have been coming and going all my life. Most of the dreams that I can remember have me at some point in a "sexy female body". One of my most common fantasies is that before I die I will be able to live forever in a machine and live in an artificial reality as a woman. I have always suppressed these dreams and these thoughts. Or if I focused on those thoughts I would brush it off as me just wanting to have "free access at a woman's body" but I don't believe that that is true. I have always been attracted to women so I could use that excuse to calm myself down if I got upset about this. The past few days I have really not suppressed these feelings and it has been roller coasters of emotions. I feel like it is something that I need and thinking about it gives me hope and I haven't really felt hope in a while so it is intoxicating. So I get really invested in it and my hopes are high and I am setting myself up for failure. I probably am not transgender at all, no I'm not, but I always fantasize about like putting on makeup and painting long fingernails, but then I am terrified that I would be an ugly woman, and that would just make everything worse. So many feelings and I don't know what to do. Since I was having those dreams as a child I have just buried it way way down and ignored it which for a while made it disappear, and every time it came back up, like a sudden and random urge to take my sisters nail polish and paint my nails and remove the color before they got home. I pushed it down. . Everyone would be so blind sided by this and I can't do it no one has a clue, even if I was a woman I would be that feminine. I guess I would be a 'tom boy', it is mostly just the feeling that "I need to be physically an attractive woman". While I am in this state of gender confusion I feel great realizations it has also made me slightly more depressed. What if my dog doesn't recognize me and doesn't love me anymore he's like my emotional foundation I am a completely different person when I am around other people. I am the same around all people: shy, funny, strange, etc. When I am alone I am very calm though. When I am alone I want to be in a woman's body and live life as a young woman, but when I am alone those thoughts are immediately shot down and 'don't exist'. Even if I force myself to think about it while sitting in the same room as my family, it sounds ridiculous to me. I think it's crazy and I like being a guy and I am tough and blah blah blah. It's very confusing to me. I am worries that I am not transgender and it is just a "phase" (even though I have felt like this all my life) ; Or I am worried that I am transgender and I have to face all the challenges that come with it. It's sort of "you can't fail if you don't try" kind of attitude. Since I started puberty I have hated my body. I have always been too fat even though my weight has not been consistent. I probably have an eating disorder (bulimia nervosa - non purging type - I force myself not to eat for a day or two and then I end up crashing out of hunger and eat way way too much - I have two DSMs and have read them pretty much cover to cover btw), I haven't been diagnosed because I don't trust my therapist though. My highest weight ever was about 270 and that was April, I have had slightly more control over the eating episodes (I surround myself with low calorie foods, so when I do crash, it is still less), since doing that and not eating I have lost almost twenty lbs. about 250 now. Part of my sub-conscious motivation to lose weight is that when/if I become a woman I want to weigh about 140. I have never kissed a girl or had a real girlfriend (I am high school age) because, ever since I was in 3rd grade, literally every girl I have ever been interested in said no to me. Some/most have called my ugly, fat, unappealing as a reason. But hey, I have a great personality! These things just piled on top of me already hating my body. Like I just said, I am currently heterosexual. I am attracted to women, I have never been attracted to men. This just makes me extra worried, if I become a woman will I be a lesbian? I have read that hormone therapy can alter your sexuality, theoretically would that happen to me? Would women even want to be with me if I was a woman? My theory about having easy access to a female body was fueled by the fact that Whenever I masturbate the only was I can "achieve release" is by imagining that I am a woman. Whether whatever I am watching is woman on woman or just a woman solo, it is the only way I can stay "aroused". I have been attracted to females my whole life though, which just adds more confusion for me. Almost every male to female woman I have seen online (I live in a rural area, everybody is a white straight christian), I was not attracted too, they looked too much like men for me, or they presented themselves in a way I thought was unattractive, or something. This makes me so scared that if I were to become a woman I would be unattractive. Usually I am not interested in relationships, I don't really fantasize about being in a couple, so this is only so that I would think I were pretty. I would want to look just like a young woman, for people not be able to tell. I would (to feel confident) need to have wide hips, a big butt, large breasts, large lips. long hair, beautiful makeup, and all sorts of other things. I am lucky enough to not have the most masculine face in the world, most of my facial features can be smoothed out to be "pretty" as a woman too. I know that most of this would cost money, plastic surgery and injections, I have planned out theoretical finances and I could maybe get everything done in EIGHT YEARS!***** Another thing I would have to do is tell my family, I know they would be very supportive, but they would all treat me different and everything would be awkward and I already don't get along great with them. It's not the most toxic house environment but there is quite a bit of "psychological abuse", but all it really is is passive aggressive comments. I would still have to live with them. My Mom is opening her own business, which I will work for, as long as it is successful I will have a steady job as a cashier. The best way I could save money is to leech off of them for the next eight years, until I could move out. It just sounds so awful trying to live with them during all of this. I am terrified as the transition period of it. I would have to open up about this to my therapist and like years later get hormone therapy and then years later get reassignment surgery and part of my ideal physical identity would require plastic surgery and that means I would have to be like halfway that whole time. I feel like the only way I could do this is if I never left my bedroom that whole time. I feel like I couldn't let anyone know that it is me. I would have to look like completely different overnight and I know how ridiculous that sounds. I live and will work in the same town I went to High School in (before I got my 504); If I had a transition I would have to risk them seeing me at the store and gossiping and making fun of me and whatever. I am sure I could lessen that anxiety IF I WAS PRESCRIBED THE RIGHT MEDS NOT FUCKING PROPANOLOL GOD DAMN THAT PILL DOESN"T WORK FOR ME. I am also worried and can't imagine what it is like to be in the middle of a transition. LIke I (personally) would want to get reassignment surgery first, then what is it like to have a vagina and almost no other feminine features? AAGGHGHGHGH. I don't care about pronouns call me he/she/they all you want I would only care what it would say on my Driver's Licence. I also would keep my name, even though it is masculine, I like my name. I am just a ball of stress and anxiety right now If you read this whole thing you have no idea how much it means to me. I have no friends anymore and I can't trust any of the people I do know. Using this as an outlet really helps. **The reason it would take me eight years is because another thing I have wanted to do since I was little is put a solar powered tiny house inside a van like a Sprinter of something and the combined cost of Surgery, New Wardrobe, Van, Lifestyle, and other things would take about eight years of saving, IF I WAS FREELOADING
     
  2. Zonkers

    Zonkers Some days you just need someone to lean on.

    I am udlyfjugmyiyd ( that is hard to type)

    I am sorry you have to deal with all this at young age. I don't know the technical title of someone like you have explained. You say you are a heterosexual male yet you want a female body? Is that like body dysmorphia or something? I am sorry I have no answers for you. But I can be here to support you and giv you a place to vent your feelings.

    I am sure there are many who feel the same way as you. I hope they come forward so you know you are not alone in this.

    Take care and keep coming a talking with us in chat. Everyone is friendly and supportive.
     
  3. Noel5445

    Noel5445 Member

    You really need to have your mom and dad go with you into your therapist with you, when you tell them. First, though, tell your therapist. Therapists can't help you if you don't tell them everything. Many,many years ago I dated a man who was a transvestite. I didn't know for 2 years. You don't want to have someone find out by catching you. It's a shock. It would take longer for any of you to get over it, if that happened. Be strong and be brave. Just follow your heart, it knows what to do.
     
  4. sassy123

    sassy123 Well-Known Member

    Hugs please talk to a therapist about this I don't know what to say but whatever choice you make has to be your decision it's not easy either way and you need someone to talk things overwith whatever your decision is we are here for you and I hope you make the best decision for yourself and can be truly be happy hugs
     
  5. Fudgewobble

    Fudgewobble Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome.
    This is indeed a safe place to let out your inner most thoughts. And yes, I did read it all the way through
    There is a whole community on here of people who can identify with your identity confusion. As you know, you can hide it for your 46 years but it will make you sicker to not somehow find a person to trust who can help you.
    There must be organizations you can anonymously phone who can give you the details you seek about the logistics of changing your gender, or not. They would also have specialized counselling available if you don't trust your therapist.
    Your current therapist MUST keep your sessions private. You are an adult and no one else needs know till you are ready.

    I wish you for a happy and fulfilled life of being the person you are meant to be and we all will support you along the way. Hope you stick around. X