Dont even know what to write. Im just desperate to keep myself occupied at the moment. Oh god i dont even know what i want to say. I mean yeah im safe and all but its kind of wishing i wasnt, you know? Like, no im not in any immediate danger but i wish i was. I want to be. I dont want to wake up but i cant kill myself. My mind screams for suicide but my body cant do it. Its like everytime im alone dark, sharp smoke enters my skull and i just feel like banging my head hard against a wall to make it stop or even better just chop it off. How do you tell this to people, and more importantly why? Ive told people before but it didnt get better because of it. Not for long anyways, i mean im still here alone in my bed wishing to be dead. Meds, therapy, you name it, nothing works. I always end up here. Fkn always. But i guess thats how its supposed to be. Ive always known that this is what life is but i just cant learn to live with it, dont want to. Its not worth it. Im sick of it all, but im stuck and i dont know what to do. Cant go either way. Ugh.