don't want to be alone but lack a voice :(

[Wastingecho]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ksXE1XqKKhY

 

[41021]

Pain is under control. Not gone, but tolerable.

I have med enough that I could prevent ever feeling any pain ever again and it's so tempting.

Went to city. Looked at umm, "tools". **slaps self** not supposed to discuss those things. Hide those feelings and thoughts. I can do that. I can hide them right in my body ever so quietly.

I tried so hard to connect today. Connect with my life, my passions, what i have always enjoyed, my work. I can't do it. Beautiful spring day and i just can't engage. I feel dead inside. Deep sadness. I should feel grateful I am out of bed. I am. I just have no desire to participate in life any more. It's just not there.

Don't even know why i am writing. Just feel like closing up shop, shutting down...shutting down myself. Going Away. Vanishing. Vaporizing. I just feel...finished, done, complete.

can't even make any sense and it doesn't even matter. I don't care.

 

[total eclipse]

I care greatly about you i hope with the pain relieved some you can move forward a bit i would miss you if you harmed yourself please stay safe h ugs

 

[mulberrypie]

im here for you, kali. we all have to try to get through this together.

 

[IV2010]

:console::hug:

 

[41021]

***tears****


You three just touched my heart very deeply, thank you. For some reason i felt kind of stunned and shocked when i read your replies (TE, Lollipop, IV)....it totally disarmed me. i must be feeling quite alone and insignificant for that kind of reaction to happen, and i guess i didn't realize just how insignificant/alone.

**s*** for all of you. ***tears*** I don't want anything to happen to any of you :no: I don't want you to be hurt either. I want for you good things and some happiness and joy.

i'm weary from this road :sad:

 

[Wastingecho]

Where are you going?
Where are you going?
Can you take me with you?
For my hand is cold And needs warmth
Where are you going?

Far beyond where the horizon lies
Where the horizon lies
And the land sinks into mellow blueness
Oh please, take me with you

Let me skip the road with you
I can dare myself
I can dare myself
I'll put a pebble in my shoe
And watch me walk
I can walk and walk!
I shall call the pebble Dare
We will talk together about walking

Dare shall be carried
And when we both have had enough
I will take him from my shoe, singing:
"Meet your new road!"

Then I'll take your hand
Finally glad
That you are here
By my side

By my side
By my side
By my side

 

[jxdama]

are you better today?

 

[41021]

i don't know how i am

no sleep in quite some time

intention is to attempt working, give it one more try

utter frustration

oh, and i am covered in massive hives but don't dare touch the benadryl

still have my friend under the blanket too, prepared

xxxx Jx

 

[Wastingecho]

calamine or caladdryl for the itching? benadryl also makes a topical lotion that wouldn't make you drowsy

xxxxxxx

 

[41021]

Ummm sewell
mzybe when i k can stannnnnd up

 

[jxdama]

i am not doing well either. cant take it

 

[Wastingecho]

:hug: for you both

 

[IV2010]

Ooh I hate what this rotten illness does to nice people..
:arms:
hold on all of you please

 

[41021]

Hey J, what's going on hun?
I know this stinks. Seems like things never get any better.

I managed an hour sleep before operation puppy rescue woke me. Still covered in hives even after taking benadryl. Managed to get some work done. Pain is at a tolerable level but i'm so afraid all the time...just waiting for it to peak out.

**s*** Echo, IV, and J

 

[jxdama]

just ready to die

 

[41021]

*s** J

I know the feeling. I'm not doing too bad at the moment. Pain is under control so i can do my work. Just living in fear of when it's going to hit again and if i'll be able to handle it...i seem to get weaker each time, physically and emotionally.

What's been going on? How is work going?

 

[jxdama]

everything going downhill.

 

[mulberrypie]

:hug: i know. it's so hard but every minute is a victory.

 

[Voidofemotions]

I hear you.

I try to appear strong and support everyone else when in reality I'm always crying inside. I dont know how to feel good emotions anymore. I've forgotten how to smile. I can fake it really well. Most people think I'm put together and happy. I can't stand someone thinking I'm weak...but I am...

I drink too much and all of this pent up frustration, hurt, anger, sadness always comes out when I might actually start to be happy. Like, if I start dating someone it always starts well.Until that person wants to get closer and closer. I push them away. I've even gotten beligerant detroying property and things most valuable to that person.

It's like, I just want to feel something so bad that I don't care if it's wrong. I take comfort in being sad. I wish I could be happy being happy. Does that make sense? I dont ask anyone for help. I refuse to let anyone in. I want to kill myself every other day...just writing this makes me hurt and it feels good because at least I'm feeling something.

I envy my friends and family that can be happy and know how that feels. I have a daughter and it scares the shit out of me that I can't honestly say I love her because I dont know what that means or feels like...

I'm sorry this message is so long...I was hoping to chat with someone but I cant get in the chat room.

Does anyone have any ideas for me that arent drugs?

Can anyone relate?