Wow, it really has been a while since I've made a contribution to SF. And during that time a lot of things have dramatically changed. However, some of it hasn't been for the better.
As time has gone on, as I have made new friends (albeit online ones), and tried to become more social and in touch with my emotions, I am finding myself come full circle and doing the exact opposite of what I intended to do. I have noticed myself becoming increasingly more self-isolating, unwilling to talk to people about my problems, refuse to talk at all to people and have seen the return of the same intrusive thoughts responsible for me destroying my own success. Stuff like "you're not good enough for these people" or "they don't want you anyway, you're just a burden". However, my worst concern stems from the fact that I just cannot seem to be able to express emotions entirely. I can still feel saddened, angry or whatever emotion is relevant but I can no longer physically show it or release it, and it's making me feel incredibly trapped and even more isolated than before. And with things coming back to make me feel sad, these things are only reinforcing the "numbing" that I am experiencing right now.
Emotional Blunting I believe it is called from a professional standpoint. Don't get me wrong, I want to cry, I want to let things out and have people understand how I feel, but my body and mind is in such a position that it just won't let me do it anymore. Even last night after I left my long distance partner after a bitter night, I wanted to cry as I hugged my pillow, I tried so hard. The fact I couldn't again reinforced and made me feel even worse, and when I can't express it, I'm sure many can understand from a personal experience where you end up going... very bad places.
The fact that I am seemingly losing the empathy that I always used to have in great supply, is incredibly daunting, frustrating, and metaphorically killing me on the inside. And I don't know what to do about it. Perhaps I have had to deal with so much recently that my body is simply refusing to let it out or is used to it, but I don't want that to be the case. I am in exam season with the added pressure of having to succeed in order to do Master's study in the USA (I live in the UK), my partner is extremely depressed and none of us know how to help each other anymore, I still have to live with an ex in my flat and can't seem to make them leave, and with my anxiety seemingly making another comeback, I suppose its no surprise why my body is going into full lockdown at this point.
Point is... I don't know what to do. I don't know how to feel like I can open up to people again, I can't seem to figure out how to get past my own barrier of doing the simple human act of crying. Any and all advice is appreciated and wanted at this point, because for the life of me, I don't know how long I can continue this way.
As time has gone on, as I have made new friends (albeit online ones), and tried to become more social and in touch with my emotions, I am finding myself come full circle and doing the exact opposite of what I intended to do. I have noticed myself becoming increasingly more self-isolating, unwilling to talk to people about my problems, refuse to talk at all to people and have seen the return of the same intrusive thoughts responsible for me destroying my own success. Stuff like "you're not good enough for these people" or "they don't want you anyway, you're just a burden". However, my worst concern stems from the fact that I just cannot seem to be able to express emotions entirely. I can still feel saddened, angry or whatever emotion is relevant but I can no longer physically show it or release it, and it's making me feel incredibly trapped and even more isolated than before. And with things coming back to make me feel sad, these things are only reinforcing the "numbing" that I am experiencing right now.
Emotional Blunting I believe it is called from a professional standpoint. Don't get me wrong, I want to cry, I want to let things out and have people understand how I feel, but my body and mind is in such a position that it just won't let me do it anymore. Even last night after I left my long distance partner after a bitter night, I wanted to cry as I hugged my pillow, I tried so hard. The fact I couldn't again reinforced and made me feel even worse, and when I can't express it, I'm sure many can understand from a personal experience where you end up going... very bad places.
The fact that I am seemingly losing the empathy that I always used to have in great supply, is incredibly daunting, frustrating, and metaphorically killing me on the inside. And I don't know what to do about it. Perhaps I have had to deal with so much recently that my body is simply refusing to let it out or is used to it, but I don't want that to be the case. I am in exam season with the added pressure of having to succeed in order to do Master's study in the USA (I live in the UK), my partner is extremely depressed and none of us know how to help each other anymore, I still have to live with an ex in my flat and can't seem to make them leave, and with my anxiety seemingly making another comeback, I suppose its no surprise why my body is going into full lockdown at this point.
Point is... I don't know what to do. I don't know how to feel like I can open up to people again, I can't seem to figure out how to get past my own barrier of doing the simple human act of crying. Any and all advice is appreciated and wanted at this point, because for the life of me, I don't know how long I can continue this way.
