It started when I was young, often wondering who would actually care if it wasn't around anymore. And when I say young, I mean like 7 or 8. I'm 49 as I write this now. My upbringing was strict, and with few friends allowed. In two years of junior high, I never ate in the cafeteria with the other kids, never feeling like I belonged. Instead, I'd go to the library and study to be alone. I was an especially good student, honor society president and graduated from a top university.
But I've always felt that I never belonged anywhere, and that I really never should have been born to begin with. My family was religious, and that definitely plays a role, as family members are directed to choose the faith above all things…even family. I felt that love was conditional on embracing that faith, which wasn't for me. We weren't really allowed to date, and that made for a lifetime of difficulties forming relationships.
In my 20's, I worked…a lot. The work helped me to not think about my loneliness. Except during commutes or while alone at my apartment. There were times I didn't go home during the typical holidays,, but instead stayed alone in my apartment. Crying sometimes, thinking of suicide often. Engaged in risky behaviors, because why not? Jumped out of a couple of airplanes, but even that didn't feel like much of a rush.
Mid 30's got married. A decade and two kids later, found out that she'd been cheating on me for over a year because she felt we'd grown apart and I was emotionally distant. We're still together, but I can't get over the betrayal. Also, it really just cemented my fears of being unlovable. And why am I here? Why was I born just to feel pain everyday? After the discovery, the thoughts and plans for suicide increased. I wrote scathing goodbye letters to her, and deeply apologetic letters to each of our children. I read articles from families of those who lost loved ones to suicide, and I watched videos of those who recorded their final acts. I made detailed plans of where, when and how…including various symbolic elements. I went to a <mod edit - method>
The only thing stopping me is the kids. And yet, I also feel they'd be better off if I did it sooner than later. They're young enough now that they'd have little memory of me later in life. But I worry about them.
But I've always felt that I never belonged anywhere, and that I really never should have been born to begin with. My family was religious, and that definitely plays a role, as family members are directed to choose the faith above all things…even family. I felt that love was conditional on embracing that faith, which wasn't for me. We weren't really allowed to date, and that made for a lifetime of difficulties forming relationships.
In my 20's, I worked…a lot. The work helped me to not think about my loneliness. Except during commutes or while alone at my apartment. There were times I didn't go home during the typical holidays,, but instead stayed alone in my apartment. Crying sometimes, thinking of suicide often. Engaged in risky behaviors, because why not? Jumped out of a couple of airplanes, but even that didn't feel like much of a rush.
Mid 30's got married. A decade and two kids later, found out that she'd been cheating on me for over a year because she felt we'd grown apart and I was emotionally distant. We're still together, but I can't get over the betrayal. Also, it really just cemented my fears of being unlovable. And why am I here? Why was I born just to feel pain everyday? After the discovery, the thoughts and plans for suicide increased. I wrote scathing goodbye letters to her, and deeply apologetic letters to each of our children. I read articles from families of those who lost loved ones to suicide, and I watched videos of those who recorded their final acts. I made detailed plans of where, when and how…including various symbolic elements. I went to a <mod edit - method>
The only thing stopping me is the kids. And yet, I also feel they'd be better off if I did it sooner than later. They're young enough now that they'd have little memory of me later in life. But I worry about them.
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