Episodically Returning Death wishes

[leoleh]

Tonight is one of these nights where very strong intentions and thoughts about killing myself are returning. In my mind i'm hanging around a lot in my past, in my future, the self i would like to be and the self that i am. I have just realized too how strong these moods correlate with my life rhythm. Loneliness is overcoming me too. I have told myself i would never cry again for neither me nor another person. Anyways a drop fell down and i don't know how to feel about it. Should i be happy because it might say that there are some emotions left inside of me that i still cling to life. Or sad because i was so weak not to follow my wish to not cry anymore?

I don't know. We all have such strong shields in front of ourselves because we want to be rated strong and tough by others but at the end we lie crying in our beds, because we are so lonely. we feed our own demons. I am bipolar and in one second i can cry and in the next i forget about these feelings and in the next i think again and i cry. It is horrible and a rollercoaster of feelings. Thinking about that i ask myself how i could ever be able to enjoy life again, or any other person being able to love me again. So much hate inside me. I think i once was loveable but am not anymore. I hate life and i want it to end.

I hope i don't make you people depressed too, have a good night! Writing down here a little just helps me feeling not so lonely and stabilizing my mood a little, at least for the moment.

 

[Stijn]

There's no shame in crying. It's a release of the pain your body craves for. It's a lot like laughing releasing the pleasure you feel. Everybody does it, believe me. And everybody feels lonely from time to time. Take it easy ok?

 

[Paul1234]

I’m bipolar. It is HARD to control the rage.

This is at the core of bipolar. Rage. The thing that helps me is going to church. <mod edit - guidelines>

 

[Sweet2th]

Hi there. I'm so sorry to hear your struggles. Don't be so hard on yourself. It's okay to shed a tear, or to have a good cry session. We are emotional beings. It's just part of being human. So, please don't beat yourself up for being human! But what makes you so angry at yourself for crying?

I like to listen to inspirational songs when I feel down. May I share one with you? http://bit.ly/2HXq5LG

 

[DrownedFishOnFire]

@leoleh

Its well worded. Truly it is how I feel at times. How have you been doing so far?

 

[Aurelia]

I have Borderline Personality and I can relate to people with Bipolar a lot too. The intense, unstable emotions, the hate, the emptiness, all of it. The rollercoaster ride is fucking brutal at times.

 

[leoleh]

@DrownedFishOnFire Thankyou. Well it's different everyday. Someday i wake up everything is fine. then somebody says a word, something that doesn't play a role for anybody except for you, it reminds you of something, and boom, you're back in it. It becomes especially difficult in the night. You try to find peace, close your eyes and boom start thinking again. Even just small bits of memories in your head make you feel depressed, being depressed feeds your anger and you are in your cycle again. It's really hard to just let go for me from time to time so i struggle very differently day by day.