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ever regret attempting?
- Thread starter emily83
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Yes and no... yes as the humiliation disdain disgust in the paramedics voices and manner still burns as if it was yesterday.
Yes as I know that I will never make another failed attempt, I came so close to dying and know where I went wrong. I also scare myself as I have done it before so I know how easily I could do it again.
No as unfortunately I feel like that all over again and I intended to die then as I wish to die now.
Yes as I know that I will never make another failed attempt, I came so close to dying and know where I went wrong. I also scare myself as I have done it before so I know how easily I could do it again.
No as unfortunately I feel like that all over again and I intended to die then as I wish to die now.
I attempted twice, and it was always myself that ended up not doing it. Immediately after I felt like crap, but I also felt like this was something I needed to move on from. That I was better than it. Have I "regretted" it? Sometimes, because it's like leaving that nasty taste in your mouth that you can't get rid of. Do I ever stay awake at night because I tried, no. Not in a long time.
I don't know why people react with disgust... it's not like it helps a suicidal person at all. But over the past 5 years, I've come to a different conclusion...it isn't meant to. Quite the opposite.
When I made my second attempt the hospital sent me home with this - I don't know, bodyguard?, or something. She walked up to my flat with me and stayed for 20 minutes until my stepfather arrived. When I opened the door I found that my mother had taken a scissors or knife or something and torn apart every fabric item or paper she could find (so all my clothes were gone) and left an insulting message on my whiteboard. I began to cry and shake - I turned to the hospital staff member and said "My mother did this... what do I do? Will she hurt me again?"
The bodyguard just smirked and laughed in my face... turned away without speaking to me. Tried to engage her again, but she wouldn't answer. She just stood there looking at me and chuckling at me. It was so humiliating, so de-humanising. She was enjoying my pain! I didn't learn anything from the suicide attempts at the time, other than trying to avoid the pain will result in swift and certain punishment and humiliation (I was locked in a room whose walls were smeared with shit, piss and globs of menstrual blood for about 48 hours - I'll never forget that).
Looking back, I learned that I live in a world where people enjoy watching the weak suffer, like the bodyguard. A world where it's better for a person like me to writhe in pain rather than be put quickly out of my misery, the kindness we allow to dogs and cats. A world where a majority of the people I meet find some way to tell me how worthless I am, yet will not allow me to remove my obviously repugnant person from their presence once and for all. It makes me sound psychotic, I know, but it seems as thought it's my fate to be the world's chew toy.
My suicide attempts have only confirmed what I already knew: that I deserve only spit, blood, piss, shit and mockery. And my tormenters will be damned if they let me escape. I am on this earth for their amusement, an object for their abuse. I don't regret my attempts at escape, only that I was caught.
When I made my second attempt the hospital sent me home with this - I don't know, bodyguard?, or something. She walked up to my flat with me and stayed for 20 minutes until my stepfather arrived. When I opened the door I found that my mother had taken a scissors or knife or something and torn apart every fabric item or paper she could find (so all my clothes were gone) and left an insulting message on my whiteboard. I began to cry and shake - I turned to the hospital staff member and said "My mother did this... what do I do? Will she hurt me again?"
The bodyguard just smirked and laughed in my face... turned away without speaking to me. Tried to engage her again, but she wouldn't answer. She just stood there looking at me and chuckling at me. It was so humiliating, so de-humanising. She was enjoying my pain! I didn't learn anything from the suicide attempts at the time, other than trying to avoid the pain will result in swift and certain punishment and humiliation (I was locked in a room whose walls were smeared with shit, piss and globs of menstrual blood for about 48 hours - I'll never forget that).
Looking back, I learned that I live in a world where people enjoy watching the weak suffer, like the bodyguard. A world where it's better for a person like me to writhe in pain rather than be put quickly out of my misery, the kindness we allow to dogs and cats. A world where a majority of the people I meet find some way to tell me how worthless I am, yet will not allow me to remove my obviously repugnant person from their presence once and for all. It makes me sound psychotic, I know, but it seems as thought it's my fate to be the world's chew toy.
My suicide attempts have only confirmed what I already knew: that I deserve only spit, blood, piss, shit and mockery. And my tormenters will be damned if they let me escape. I am on this earth for their amusement, an object for their abuse. I don't regret my attempts at escape, only that I was caught.
After my last attempt I woke up the next day and spent 16+ hours vomiting blood and I knew that I could either go to hospital and get pumped out or wait for the pills to work I chose to sit it out as the pills can take time to work. It was a hard choice but in my frame of mind at the time I wanted that.
It was pil overdose. I failed. I regret only the fear i induced into my family and what`s left of my friends. Now they live with that every single day and fear i`ll do it again. And i probably will still coping with it. They don`t understand why i did what i did, and their intitled to that. I tend to not regret anything in my life, but i`m tired, i need peace even the price is that high. I may be selfish but i`m sure that no psych or friend can understand the reasons i did it or will do it maybe. Hard question. I past my breaking point, long time ago..
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