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Why do we hate ourselves so much we want to die?

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Magalee

Hold on to hope
#1
View attachment 1646 Today my therapist and I talked about how I came to have such a low opinion of myself (self-hate). She said because of how I was treated as a child by family and others, their negative comments and treatment became internalized into negative self-talk and perpetuate my self-hatred.

I'm trying to figure out how to change, how to 'love' myself. How do I convince my HEART what they taught me was wrong? My HEAD knows, but it doesn't seem to help me.

I was going to list all the negatives taught me, but it was so depressing I tried to list as positives, or what I need to LEARN:

-I'm worthy of nice things & nice people in my life.

-I'm valuable just because I'm human, I don't have to earn it.

-My feelings are important too.

-When something goes wrong it isn't automatically my fault.

-I don't need to be ashamed of who I am.

-It's ok to be proud of myself if I do something good.

-I didn't do anything to deserve the abuse.

-Not everyone is physically and verbally abusive, so don't be so afraid of people. I'm an adult now and I can take care of myself.

- I'm not a burden, I'm a blessing.

-I'm not stupid (can't yet say as a positive)

-I'm not unattractive (can't yet say as a positive)

Children don't come into the world hating themselves. They learn it. I was hoping people would share who taught them to hate themselves AND what do you do to fight the hate and even, love yourself.



Sent from my iPhone
 
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Fizzipocus

Forsaken Feline
#3
This is something I really wrestle with, especially as of late.

I suppose it's inherent in the whole "hating yourself" emotion - but I've been so viciously self-deprecating - and for so long - that the roots of such a thing are buried well out of view. I can barely recall a time when I wasn't displeased with myself. My concept of worth - of my actual value as a person - is decidedly askew, to say the least.

At my worst - as regards this topic - I sometimes find it useful to recall some quiet accomplishments. Things I've created that I took pride in, or perhaps a compliment paid to me by a friend or loved one. Nothing earthshattering, mind you - but simple reminders that I, too, am human. And in that way, perhaps not so unlike the rest of a world I feel so sadly at odds with.

Still... If I could stand outside of myself, I think I'd push myself to the ground.
 

SillyOldBear

Teddy Bears Rule! 🐻
Staff Alumni
#4
I also learned to hate myself when I was young. I have yet been able to unlearn it. My parents were not mean. They loved me very much. They were just very concerned. They always hassled me about my weight. That is where I first learned to hate myself. And I remain fat to this day. They also discouraged me from trying many things I wanted to do. I wasn't good enough, or girls didn't do that kind of work. There intentions were the best, but I did not take it well. They would be horrified if the knew how much they had hurt me. They have both been dead for about 30 years. And I miss them so.
 

Magalee

Hold on to hope
#7
I've often wondered why it is so easy to see all the good in others but not myself....I struggle with internalizing that I deserve to voice/pursue my needs/wants/desires ---that i am worthy enough to want to be happy if that makes any sense...
You deserve all of that, and more. You are worthy, I hope you'll believe it.
 

Magalee

Hold on to hope
#8
I also learned to hate myself when I was young. I have yet been able to unlearn it. My parents were not mean. They loved me very much. They were just very concerned. They always hassled me about my weight. That is where I first learned to hate myself. And I remain fat to this day. They also discouraged me from trying many things I wanted to do. I wasn't good enough, or girls didn't do that kind of work. There intentions were the best, but I did not take it well. They would be horrified if the knew how much they had hurt me. They have both been dead for about 30 years. And I miss them so.
SillyOldBear, it never occurred to me that children who were loved and cared for could still have the same outcome. Thank you so much for responding.
 

Shannew

Well-Known Member
#11
Hi Magalee,
(Love the fact that you're seeing a therapist and trying so hard to fight through the darkness :))
Its funny, when I was a child, now that I think about it, I had nothing to be proud about but I was really proud. I think it was because my parents would constantly praise me.
Now I'm older and a lot more improved by I feel so shitty about myself. I definitely know why. Because of the guys who have used me and not treated or respected me the way a girl should be treated and respected. Its so stupid because who are they to do so? To mess with and manipulate someone who only ever had their best interest at heart? It sucks because these days you can't trust anyone will treat you like a decent human should. I still have flashbacks about what these guys did to me even from years ago. What can we do, this is what society is now :(

I guess the main thing they make me think is that I'm not worth a real relationship or real love? I know they're idiots for treating me that way, but when it happens more than a few times, it seems more true.
 

Magalee

Hold on to hope
#12
I guess the main thing they make me think is that I'm not worth a real relationship or real love? I know they're idiots for treating me that way, but when it happens more than a few times, it seems more true.
You are worth a real relationship and real love. There are good guys out there, keep looking and don't settle for less (I wish someone had told me that when I was your age!)
 

crumbum

SF Supporter
#13
I struggle with this everyday.. especially lately. I'm at the point where I have a constant dialogue inside my mind just telling myself over and over what a piece of shit I am. One thought can lead to a string of memories from dozens of affirmations of my unworthiness as a human being. It's becoming unbearable. My upbringing taught me to treat myself this way, but it's gotten much worse as I get older. I fail in so many ways it's difficult not to internalize it all the time. I don't think I'll ever get to a point where I love myself. I can't allow anyone else to love me anymore either. I'm a disease and I'm acutely aware of it.. I guess the best I can do is to try and not spread it by isolating as much as possible. At least that's the conclusion I've come to. I hope you find a better way Magalee.
 

Magalee

Hold on to hope
#14
I struggle with this everyday.. especially lately. I'm at the point where I have a constant dialogue inside my mind just telling myself over and over what a piece of shit I am. One thought can lead to a string of memories from dozens of affirmations of my unworthiness as a human being. It's becoming unbearable. My upbringing taught me to treat myself this way, but it's gotten much worse as I get older. I fail in so many ways it's difficult not to internalize it all the time. I don't think I'll ever get to a point where I love myself. I can't allow anyone else to love me anymore either. I'm a disease and I'm acutely aware of it.. I guess the best I can do is to try and not spread it by isolating as much as possible. At least that's the conclusion I've come to. I hope you find a better way Magalee.
Hi @crumbum, I understand all too well your struggles. I'm in my fifties and feel like it's just too late for me to fix all that's wrong with me. I'm also so very sad when I look back at the bad choices I made because no one taught me to love and value myself.

Somehow, there is still some fight in me, maybe more for the sad little girl that I was, to show her that someone cares now. I also hope the younger people on sf will have a better chance at life than i did if I share what I've learned/am learning in therapy. Hopefully, it could help someone who can't go to therapy for what ever reason.

You are NOT a piece of shit. You are worthy of love and care from yourself and others.

I wonder why isolate yourself, why do you feel you would spread it? I hope you will find a way, maybe start small, do something to show yourself some love. Maybe just start with saying some kind things to yourself. If you need any help with that, I will say kind things to you! I hope you'll take a step toward healing.
 

Jack D

SF Supporter
#15
I guess I'm late to the party...but whatever.

Its daunting, yet somewhat comforting to see many people on some of the same terms as each other. Its moments like the ones we describe that make us feel vulnerable and that we are only facing them in isolation.

In all honesty, its hard for me to believe why I put myself under the amount of self-loathing that I do. I had loving parents, decent friends and a supportive family. But if i had to put it down to a few things, it would probably be me being diagnosed on the autistic spectrum. I was odd, and people made sure i knew. I felt like i was being treated as a special snowflake, and sometimes demonised just for existing. I never had the capacity to make friends, and more recently I've been struggling to keep them altogether. I believe its all that which started my path of thinking Im not good enough in anything that I do. Perfectionism is a catalyst to depression and self-hate it seems.
 

Lara_C

Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#16
This article is one of the best I've seen about the origins of self hatred in childhood. It also refers to research which shows how self hatred becomes wired in the brain and how it can be unwired:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...shame-childhood-abuse-through-self-compassion

I think generally we need to become more aware of how vulnerable and defenceless children are to lack of good parenting, especially when very young, and how this can programme them with self and life -limiting beliefs, with sometimes devastating consequences.
 
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Magalee

Hold on to hope
#17
@Jack D - it's never too late to join the thread. I was different in school as well so I can definitely relate. I'm glad you had good parents and friends to support you. Thanks for posting.

@Clair - Just finished reading the article and I bookmarked it. I hope I can learn self compassion. I've been focusing on changing my negative self talk and failing miserably. Despair has set in, and I've been thinking it's just too late for me, that too much damage has been done over the decades. Thank you for posting.
 
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