Hate Towards Skinny People

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by redgirl, Apr 14, 2016.

  1. redgirl

    redgirl SF Supporter

    Hey guys. Something happened to me a couple of nights ago and it's really stuck with me ever since. I guess I mainly need to vent, but I'm hoping that I can also find some reassurance and hope.

    First of all, I suppose it's relevant to say that I'm kind of skinny, and I have been my whole life. I feel it's important to mention that I am NATURALLY skinny, despite the fact I did also suffer from an eating disorder in my teen years. At school, I would starve myself. So, naturally, my classmates would think that my small frame was entirely due to the fact that I never ate. This would be an understandable assumption to make, however, I am just a thin girl in general. I am in remission from my eating disorder and have been for almost a decade, and yet I am still thin, because it's just how my body naturally is. However, whenever I try to explain this to people, even people who I thought weren't the judgemental type, they would still look at me in disbelief and dismiss the idea. It's quite bizarre really, because I could eat as much as I want in front of people when I finally became comfortable with it, and they would still assume that my skinny frame was to do with some kind of mental illness like bulimia. It's very frustrating to have this label pinned on me for as long as I remain thin.

    This has been an infuriating topic for me for a long time, ever since the media got involved. It became fashionable to be a "curvy" girl, and if you were skinny then you weren't a "real girl". This is still very true today, and I witness this sickening show too regularly for me to handle. It's all well and good to empower women who may not have felt comfortable in their skin because they thought they were a little overweight, but to shun and spread hate towards skinny girls in the process is disgusting to me. Yes, it's great to spread awareness of being healthy, as in, eating right and exercising, but a lot of people seem to have no idea that healthy bodies can come in all shapes and sizes. I eat a lot more than people might imagine, and I exercise regularly, and because I am still thinner than average, people assume that I'm sick or that there's something wrong with me, or that I need to eat MORE in order to look "normal".

    While this has angered me for many years, it never really bothered me to the point of taking action, because I knew that there would always be people in this world who would be judgemental and ignorant. So I just let it happen, I let it slide, and focused on the people who cared for me and believed in me. However, the one person I thought I could trust the most, ended up becoming one of the judgemental types.

    My best friend couldn't stop commenting on my weight when I saw her a few days ago. She kept staring at me, making me hugely uncomfortable. It even looked like she had a hint of disgust in her eyes. She said that I needed to eat more, that I needed to put on more weight, that I looked sick. While I understand that she may have been concerned because she thought I genuinely wasn't eating enough, the truth was that I had been eating plenty, and I was finally getting to the point where I felt really good about myself, until she broke that all down with just a few words and looks. I'm still so taken aback, because until now she was never the sort of person to bring another person down for something as superficial as looks.

    I now have a stupid desire to eat more junk food and to actually gain weight in a massively unhealthy way just so I can get those judgemental eyes off me, which is surely the opposite effect that people should be going for. I now hate the way I look, despite the fact that I am the healthiest I have ever been. I feel like I've gone back to my teen years, despising what I see in the mirror just because I don't fit society's standards of what a "real girl" should look like. Not once in my life have I shunned a certain body type, not once have I judged someone for being overweight. Yet when a girl is underweight or even just a bit thin like I am, then it seems like it's perfectly acceptable to throw insults around. Do skinny girls not have feelings? Why is it hugely shocking to insult an overweight girl, but everyone laughs and claps when a skinny girl gets the hate? I'm getting to the point of wondering if anyone even sees me as a human being any more. I try so hard to treat my body with all the respect it deserves, especially after how poorly I treated it during my teen years, and just because I haven't gained the weight that people expect me to, I'm still just a disgusting twig in their eyes.

    I'm sorry for venting so much. I'm hoping that I'm not alone here, because right now, that's how I feel.
    CandleLight and Inanimate like this.
  2. Butterfly

    Butterfly Resident SF Sims Enthusiast Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I'm not a fan of this "body positive" movement. In theory it is great to celebrate women AND men of all shapes and sizes and feeling comfortable in ones own skin no matter what you look like. But if you look at the comments section of pictures posted on facebook or newspaper articles it's just full of trolls breeding hate. There is a lot of hatred aimed at skinny girls in these groups, which in turn causes the skinny girls to retort with offensive comments about being fat.

    The thing to remember here is that the most important thing is how YOU feel. You said you felt happy and healthy how you were, so why would you change because of someone's ignorant and harmful comment? A lot of naturally skinny girls eat lots of food and have a great balanced diet. You are just luckier than some that you have a faster metabolism than most. But that's just how you were built and you can't change that. Just like I only have to look at a chocolate bar and I've already gained 10lbs. My metabolism is slower so I can't eat what I want and get away with it. I think a lot of "hate" towards skinny girls is just jealousy to be honest. Jealous that you can eat what you want and stay skinny and they can't.

    Besides. Should it really matter how you look? We should be loving people for who they are not what they look like!!!
    CandleLight likes this.
  3. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    I am sorry that this is happening to you Jen - I experience the exact opposite problem with being overweight - and I think that it is easy to think that curvy is "accepted" when you are at the other end of the scale (I assure you - total strangers yell at me in the street to go on a diet or that I am disgusting because I am overweight). People can be naturally thinner or larger (that is why BMI has a window of about 30lbs in each range after all, to account for the fact that people have different body types) and to be honest, in my opinion, commenting on someone's body or appearance in general, uninvited, is just rude and unnecessary.

    I do understand that if you have had an eating disorder in the past, your friend may be concerned that you are damaging yourself and, to play devils advocate, it is very hard to say someone has a "hint of disgust in their eyes" - it could as easily have been worry. I am not saying its okay to be judgemental but I am saying that it is natural to worry about someone you care about. You don't say how thin you are so it is hard to know if you are 'concern inducingly' thin.

    If t he people around you are laughing and clapping when people are mean to you then you definitely need to hang out with other people because that is not acceptable at all. Being unkind to people for any reason is really not okay - whether it is because they are thin, fat or whatever. Some people are just mean - and I don't think it is anything to do with what society accepts or not (you say that it is shocking to insult an overweight girl but I promise you overweight people get a lot of insults!) it is to do with whether people are dicks or not. In the end, your body is your business and nobody else's - I would stop thinking of it is "thin girl hate" and think of it instead as "some people are enormous douhebuckets".
    CandleLight likes this.
  4. redgirl

    redgirl SF Supporter

    Hey guys, thanks for the responses! I just want to quickly apologise for how one-sided my original post seemed. I of course want to say that it's not only the skinny girls getting hate, I'm pretty sure that what one person sees as perfection, there will always be about ten times as many people who would find a flaw, with absolutely anyone. I guess I just focused a little too much on the hate towards skinny people because that's what is currently personally affecting me and it made me sound like I wasn't aware of the general hate towards any body type, which I absolutely am aware of. What I SHOULD have said is that I'm so sick of how people can be judged and scrutinized so severely just because of how their body looks, big or small. I have spent many years treating my body as a temple and it still doesn't fit in with what a lot of people's views of what is beautiful or acceptable, and I know it shouldn't get me down, but it truly does. As someone who has had an eating disorder in the past, I know full well how my view of my own body can be distorted and it can make me absolutely despise myself, so for others to join in with that despising only makes me feel as though I was right to think of myself as ugly or not fitting in with the correct standard.

    It is true, I could have been overthinking it all when my best friend started making similar comments, but I guess it was because it just really hit a nerve with me and she's never been known to make comments like that. The reason she is my best friend is because she sees the beauty of someone's soul, their insides, all that. If she had just mentioned that I looked a bit thinner than usual and left it at that, I probably wouldn't have minded so much. However, she kept bringing it up, repeatedly, throughout the whole night. I'm not sure what she was trying to achieve, but what did result was me really doubting whether I should go out in public again, wear fitted clothing, eat in a restaurant, out of fear that I'd be judged again and again. I know it sounds irrational, but that's just what I got out of it.

    The reason I specifically said that it is shocking to insult a bigger girl is because I am constantly bombarded with powerful articles of how a curvy girl "fought back against the haters" and so on by embracing her size and that is brilliant, I always applaud someone who finds comfort in their own skin, it's always fantastic to see. However, not once have I seen a similar article about a thin girl and I genuinely believe that it is because if a thin girl tried to stand up for herself and claim she was happy in her own skin, then she would get hated or ridiculed for it. If you guys have actually seen an article regarding a skinny girl standing up for herself, I'd love to see it, honestly. It would probably make me feel a lot better about myself, but in all seriousness, I just wish we could live in a world where someone's size was not so much of an issue to the point of endless hateful comments being made.

    All in all, you're definitely right. I should just see it as certain people being hateful just for the sake of it and not really thinking about the consequences or effects it can have on another human being. I will continue to love people for who they are :)
    CandleLight likes this.
  5. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    The hate is wrong, no matter what a person looks like or what size they are. I'm sorry you've experienced so much of it. I'm wondering if maybe talking to your best friend about her comments and how they made you feel, could be beneficial for both of you. It sounds like this was out of the ordinary for her, so maybe there's something that's worrying her. It could help you both to talk it out.

    I wish more people would just accept us all the way we are.
    CandleLight likes this.
  6. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Go to your doctor and ask for their honest opinion and after that thank people but your doctor disagrees etc
    CandleLight likes this.
  7. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I didn't see this as one sided, hun. Personally I'm a big believer in allowing people to be comfortable in their own bodies, no matter what they look like. It can't be easy being naturally skinny and I'm sorry you're struggling this way with it, and how people treat you.

    I might be wrong, but perhaps your friend was showing some misguided concern for you because she cares? Could you talk to her and tell her how it makes you feel?

    You need and you deserve to feel comfortable in the skin you are in. You should be proud of who you are; just as much as a big girl should.
    You should never try to empower one group of people by stepping on another, that's not right.

    Do what makes you happy. Eat healthy.

    Only if it would make you feel better, maybe you could look into gaining some muscle etc? But only if it would help YOU. You don't have to do anything for anyone else. You are important here!
  8. redgirl

    redgirl SF Supporter

    Actually, I was JUST thinking about trying a new exercise regime that gave me a bit more muscle, so that's very interesting that you brought that up. Of course I want to do it just for my own benefit, not to please others, so I'm definitely going to look into that.

    As for seeing a doctor, that would be unnecessary for me. I see doctors quite regularly for many reasons, and I've been told I am physically fit and healthy, and just the right size for my height. Medically, there's nothing wrong with my weight or build. It's just other people who seem to have a problem with it. It's quite hard to explain how thin I am to put it into an image for you, but I want to assure you that I'm not alarmingly skinny or unwell in any way. It's just difficult to relay this information back to people who are constantly convinced that I need to eat more, despite the fact that I eat like a pig some days, haha.

    Strangely, the thought of bringing this topic up with my friend terrifies me. See, I kind of idolise her a bit too much, she's been a great source of support for me over the years and I considered her my rock for a while. Her outlook on life, being so positive and bright and open, pretty much affected me to the point of turning my whole life around. This is partly why I've taken her words about my weight so seriously. I feel as though she'd never have mentioned something potentially damaging to my mentality unless she genuinely believed herself that there was something wrong with me, and if she does believe that, then that makes me incredibly sad. I don't want to be the cause of any concern for her, because really she has nothing to be concerned about, I'm fine! I guess this can be something I'll bring up with her if it becomes such an issue that it affects our friendship, but in the meantime, I'm just going to continue looking after myself. I just really needed to vent today to get all the bad thoughts out. I know I shouldn't resort back to my old ways and nitpick everything wrong with my body, because that only ends badly.

    Thank you guys so much for your responses, it actually means so much that you took the time and effort to write back to me. You've all been so helpful! If you guys have any exercise tips on building muscle, I'd love to hear them! :)
  9. BetrayedSoul

    BetrayedSoul Member

    Just a small input from the male side.

    All my life I have also been thin and short in height. The high school times were absolutely the worst since I have always been bullied about my weight and height. This really wrecked me psychologically and I did not have any self confidence. Until one day I actually got tired of this and realized that I should care less of what others say or think about my looks. I managed to find inner strength and be happy about myself. I started working out and doing sports. Even though Iworked out a lot I did not manage to put on a lot of weight but what I did manage to do is grow immune from those terrible people and be more self confident.
    By the time I finished school I even managed to fall in love with a taller woman than me, even though she was just about 5cm taller than me. And I managed to be with her for three years, and the secret was, that I kept being true to myself. She liked me for my personality and the looks were not the priority. However, in the end, she still left me with absolutely broken heart, one of the reasons being my height and that she could not wear high heels with me around or if we had our wedding. Sounds pretty nice doesnt it? Something I would not wish even the worst enemy to hear from someone that close and so beloved and cared for. the wound is still fresh since it has been about a month. And I were and still am very suicidal and upset about this. But I keep telling myself to stay strong because caring too much about what others think or say about your looks will just make it worse. The best solution is to stay with your own thoughts and your own feelings about yourself.

    I know I have written a lot and that it is a bit different for women but I thought it should be known that men also face same problems regarding their appearance.
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  10. CandleLight

    CandleLight Well-Known Member

    I'd like you all to see this. I found it tucked away in an older thread somewhere on this site. It really made me cry, but it's lovely, too.

  11. redgirl

    redgirl SF Supporter

    Okay, yep. I'm sobbing my heart out, haha! That song really struck me, harder than I thought it would. I think I've only just realised that I've been yearning for acceptance like that for so long, but it's near impossible to find when almost everyone will want to find a flaw. I don't know what it is that's hard wired into some people's minds that they have an uncontrollable urge to tell me what they dislike about me (or more specifically, my body) because I've never had the urge to do that to another human being, ever. I'm lucky I have a fair few people in my life who wouldn't do such a thing to bring me down, and I will embrace them and their friendship/love.

    BetrayedSoul, I'm so sorry that has happened to you. I completely understand that this can happen to anyone, regardless of gender. It's an awful thing to have happen, and I'm here for you if you ever need a chat. I hope you know that you are not alone and that, as well as myself, a lot of people here can probably relate to your struggles, and you will get through this feeling just as empowered and confident in yourself as you once were. Don't let other people's insecurities bring you down. I am learning to follow my own advice on that one, too :) it's a journey we can take together.
    BetrayedSoul and CandleLight like this.
  12. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    Wow, it is just disgusting that people have the gall to be so judgemental. My sister is naturally thin, she can eat junk food all the time and still weigh around 100 pounds. People always tell her to eat more and gain weight, and I'm sure that makes her feel bad. On the other hand, family and friends and others always tell me I will gain weight if I eat something that's bad for me. So I have seen both sides of that coin. It's not fair to judge anyone based on their looks. As long as you are happy and healthy, that is what matters. People should be more accepting and less hateful, and that would make the world a better place.
    CandleLight likes this.
  13. redgirl

    redgirl SF Supporter

    Hi guys, I spoke to my counsellor about this issue this morning. She gave me some advice that I thought would be helpful to share :) though it may seem like obvious advice, it never really occurred to me until my counsellor spoke with me about it. Just shows how closed off in my own mind I can be!

    I explained to my counsellor how uncomfortable my friend made me with her comments about my weight, and I also explained how it was completely out of character for my friend to start nitpicking about things like that when she has always accepted who I am in the past, flaws and all. My counsellor asked if my friend had commented on anything other than my weight that night, which is when I remembered. My friend also made a few cruel jokes about other things, silly things that I never really thought were relevant until now. It made me realise that she wasn't just commenting on my weight, she was making remarks about every aspect of my life. I just chose to focus on the weight-related ones. My counsellor told me that those who make such comments are the ones you should be concerned for, as it's almost always to do with THEM, not YOU. As I've said, it was completely unlike my friend to start verbally noting things that are "wrong" with me, so I am now genuinely concerned that something may be going on with her, and her way of dealing with her own struggles is to point out the flaws of another, even if it appears to be from a place of love, or said in a joking way.

    How I'll bring this up with my friend is hard for me to think about, as she may even be unaware of what she's doing, but I now know to not take the things she has said personally, and to not make such a drama about it (not that I was going to, but you get what I mean). Of course, this all doesn't mean that I should accept it when people make certain comments to me that make me feel self-conscious or worse, I'll definitely know when to bring it up as an issue. But right now, I'm just worried for my friend.
  14. CandleLight

    CandleLight Well-Known Member

    I think that's very true: one does not typically cut down others if all is great in their own life.

    I hope your friend opens up about what may be going on with her, but do please set some limits with her. Even if she's hurting, she needs to know it's very upsetting for her to lash out at you like that.