in fact it gets worse...
Hello, that's basically my second thread on this forum. In a way i feel i should just write something and maybe someone will respond.
I don't know what life is to be honest. It's 6 am here right now, i can't even sleep, i just stayed awake all night.
i'm tired of all of it, i kind of want to change the way of living but for some reason, nothing goes on, it's like i stay on a certain spot without moving, it's a really s*** feeling, because in the end it makes you feel worthless, i guess some of you feel the same...
I just want to leave, everything disgusts me here, because it reminds me of all this depression. People start to annoy me aswell. That they won't help me is one thing but why do they have to add their ketchup.. The perfect example is school... even there i miserably fail, i restarted one year, and even this one is an utter catastrophe. I don't blame school for my depression but it's still a part of it. It just adds on my monumental anxiety (which is really enjoyable when you just wake up), insomnia, not wanting to do anything, because ''why is it worth'' etc....
It's not that i want to drop out, but i want a break from all this, just take a whole year or some months and go try working on myself, travel and get some kind of help.
I'm honestly not joking when i say that when i wake up; the first thing i think about is that the day hopefully ends quickly so i can sleep again. This routine of stress seriously starts to annoy me, i literally get sick from it: i once slammed my head into a ceramic lamp, the other time i again slammed my head against the printer (which obviouslw broke it, 8000 euros) i cut my arms (upper part, not where the veins are) several times because it was the only thing to do. I just wanna quit everything, i really don't have to live like that, but it's just like that.
And if the fun is not over, i'm supposed to write 2 stupid tests in 2 hours (because i already missed one so they obviouslw had to postpone it here), tomorrow i gotta write a math test which determine if i'll pass because i miserably failed the other ones, and as if it's not enough, the same day i have to write a german essay and do a f** presentation, i'm not even talking about what i have to do the following days, i couldnt even start doing anything for it, i just froze because i knew i already failed, i couldnt even sit there and ''try'' to study because i literally felt nauseous, i just needed all this time for myself, and now i know nothing. i'm so empty right now i don't even really mind, i'm still cringing when i see were it just for one folder.
Of course i wanna study.... but not like that, i know stress is part of all this, but not if even the tiniest bit of stress will make you want to cut yourself, or literally get you more depressed than you are. I just don't have the current mental state every ''normal'' dude has, hell man i'm fighting like s** to get through this, but the months just pass, and nothing happens it's always the same, i feel like crap, i don't evolve; everyone other does. I might just quit school, it's just that week + the next 2 days of the next week, but i just reached my limit, i might just throw mw head against something if this continues, i definitely reached my limit, the amount of 'tests' are too unbearable right now, i cant even show up there, i just don't show how pathetic i am, i cant give in to it....
Hello, that's basically my second thread on this forum. In a way i feel i should just write something and maybe someone will respond.
I don't know what life is to be honest. It's 6 am here right now, i can't even sleep, i just stayed awake all night.
i'm tired of all of it, i kind of want to change the way of living but for some reason, nothing goes on, it's like i stay on a certain spot without moving, it's a really s*** feeling, because in the end it makes you feel worthless, i guess some of you feel the same...
I just want to leave, everything disgusts me here, because it reminds me of all this depression. People start to annoy me aswell. That they won't help me is one thing but why do they have to add their ketchup.. The perfect example is school... even there i miserably fail, i restarted one year, and even this one is an utter catastrophe. I don't blame school for my depression but it's still a part of it. It just adds on my monumental anxiety (which is really enjoyable when you just wake up), insomnia, not wanting to do anything, because ''why is it worth'' etc....
It's not that i want to drop out, but i want a break from all this, just take a whole year or some months and go try working on myself, travel and get some kind of help.
I'm honestly not joking when i say that when i wake up; the first thing i think about is that the day hopefully ends quickly so i can sleep again. This routine of stress seriously starts to annoy me, i literally get sick from it: i once slammed my head into a ceramic lamp, the other time i again slammed my head against the printer (which obviouslw broke it, 8000 euros) i cut my arms (upper part, not where the veins are) several times because it was the only thing to do. I just wanna quit everything, i really don't have to live like that, but it's just like that.
And if the fun is not over, i'm supposed to write 2 stupid tests in 2 hours (because i already missed one so they obviouslw had to postpone it here), tomorrow i gotta write a math test which determine if i'll pass because i miserably failed the other ones, and as if it's not enough, the same day i have to write a german essay and do a f** presentation, i'm not even talking about what i have to do the following days, i couldnt even start doing anything for it, i just froze because i knew i already failed, i couldnt even sit there and ''try'' to study because i literally felt nauseous, i just needed all this time for myself, and now i know nothing. i'm so empty right now i don't even really mind, i'm still cringing when i see were it just for one folder.
Of course i wanna study.... but not like that, i know stress is part of all this, but not if even the tiniest bit of stress will make you want to cut yourself, or literally get you more depressed than you are. I just don't have the current mental state every ''normal'' dude has, hell man i'm fighting like s** to get through this, but the months just pass, and nothing happens it's always the same, i feel like crap, i don't evolve; everyone other does. I might just quit school, it's just that week + the next 2 days of the next week, but i just reached my limit, i might just throw mw head against something if this continues, i definitely reached my limit, the amount of 'tests' are too unbearable right now, i cant even show up there, i just don't show how pathetic i am, i cant give in to it....