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Haven't got any better

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#1
in fact it gets worse...
Hello, that's basically my second thread on this forum. In a way i feel i should just write something and maybe someone will respond.
I don't know what life is to be honest. It's 6 am here right now, i can't even sleep, i just stayed awake all night.
i'm tired of all of it, i kind of want to change the way of living but for some reason, nothing goes on, it's like i stay on a certain spot without moving, it's a really s*** feeling, because in the end it makes you feel worthless, i guess some of you feel the same...
I just want to leave, everything disgusts me here, because it reminds me of all this depression. People start to annoy me aswell. That they won't help me is one thing but why do they have to add their ketchup.. The perfect example is school... even there i miserably fail, i restarted one year, and even this one is an utter catastrophe. I don't blame school for my depression but it's still a part of it. It just adds on my monumental anxiety (which is really enjoyable when you just wake up), insomnia, not wanting to do anything, because ''why is it worth'' etc....

It's not that i want to drop out, but i want a break from all this, just take a whole year or some months and go try working on myself, travel and get some kind of help.

I'm honestly not joking when i say that when i wake up; the first thing i think about is that the day hopefully ends quickly so i can sleep again. This routine of stress seriously starts to annoy me, i literally get sick from it: i once slammed my head into a ceramic lamp, the other time i again slammed my head against the printer (which obviouslw broke it, 8000 euros) i cut my arms (upper part, not where the veins are) several times because it was the only thing to do. I just wanna quit everything, i really don't have to live like that, but it's just like that.

And if the fun is not over, i'm supposed to write 2 stupid tests in 2 hours (because i already missed one so they obviouslw had to postpone it here), tomorrow i gotta write a math test which determine if i'll pass because i miserably failed the other ones, and as if it's not enough, the same day i have to write a german essay and do a f** presentation, i'm not even talking about what i have to do the following days, i couldnt even start doing anything for it, i just froze because i knew i already failed, i couldnt even sit there and ''try'' to study because i literally felt nauseous, i just needed all this time for myself, and now i know nothing. i'm so empty right now i don't even really mind, i'm still cringing when i see were it just for one folder.

Of course i wanna study.... but not like that, i know stress is part of all this, but not if even the tiniest bit of stress will make you want to cut yourself, or literally get you more depressed than you are. I just don't have the current mental state every ''normal'' dude has, hell man i'm fighting like s** to get through this, but the months just pass, and nothing happens it's always the same, i feel like crap, i don't evolve; everyone other does. I might just quit school, it's just that week + the next 2 days of the next week, but i just reached my limit, i might just throw mw head against something if this continues, i definitely reached my limit, the amount of 'tests' are too unbearable right now, i cant even show up there, i just don't show how pathetic i am, i cant give in to it....
 
#2
I'm not a student currently but in the past I felt the same way. Complete hell. It's so hard getting anything done when we feel like shit and add on responsibilities to that is brutal. I wish I had some amazing advice to add but I think that even though things are so stressful right now and you haven't given up is something you should pat yourself on the back for. The fact that you are even willing to share your thoughts and feelings is amazing. You are reaching out. That's the important thing.
 
#3
I'm not a student currently but in the past I felt the same way. Complete hell. It's so hard getting anything done when we feel like shit and add on responsibilities to that is brutal. I wish I had some amazing advice to add but I think that even though things are so stressful right now and you haven't given up is something you should pat yourself on the back for. The fact that you are even willing to share your thoughts and feelings is amazing. You are reaching out. That's the important thing.
i'm really thankful for your words allthough i don't think that i don't give up; i might just not go to school for the rest of the week (it's the last one, but it's really too much, it's a lot more than one could think), will be hell with the parents, but they will have to understand
 
#4
i'm really thankful for your words allthough i don't think that i don't give up; i might just not go to school for the rest of the week (it's the last one, but it's really too much, it's a lot more than one could think), will be hell with the parents, but they will have to understand
It's a good choice. Maybe a break will be good for you.
 
#6
I know school can drive you crazy. I had to take a break a few years ago. Things out of my control happened. I couldn't handle it. But sometimes you gotta make choices. I know school is important but so is your well being. Every choice we make in life has pros and cons. And I know you've worked hard but maybe a break would be good. You are the only one who can decide that.
 
#7
For me, the stress in my life made school so difficult I had to take a break. More than once actually. So what I'm meaning is that if you take a break now you can go back. It's not the end all if you take a break.
 
#8
Hello, I admire your tremendous strength through all of this. It’s understandable that it is a tough time, but please remember that you are tough too. Yes, you should pat yourself on the back because you have done well handling these stresses and situations. You’ll clearly a strong person. Please know that you are not alone through this. It’s important to vent as you did and to talk to a person who is close to you. I know that your life is worth the fight. I am inspired by your strength and efforts.

I believe time off from school is fine for a year to clear your head and to get you some help. In fact, when I was in school; I considered this as well. If you do this please be sure to meet your official withdrawal deadline with the registrar’s office. I know that the pressure is there for school for the workload. I hope the best for you when you write your math test and when you do your german essay. Make sure you keep up with your assignments in a planner and make goals to complete assignments for each course.

Depression and anxiety are difficult as you have to remember that it is this that causes you to feel this way and it’s not you. This is why this is not your fault. I recommend you to see your campus counselor, area therapist and you can also research free therapy websites online. These will help you. I have a number that will help you with suicidal thoughts, anxiety and depression the place is called The Samaritans it’s a 24-hour confidential hotline at (212) 673-3000. The Samaritans is there in the event of any crisis. I have another recommendation which is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). It’s a 24- hour confidential hotline. I know that you deserve to feel happy and you will have this. Sometimes we need a change in our lives, feel confused and etc. and we need to know that we will get through this and there are others who care and who will help us. Please remember to stay away from anything that would hurt or harm you and stay near someone if you feel you want to hurt yourself this should prevent you from doing so. Remember to do healthy things that you love or would like to do to take your mind off things. I wish you the best always. We are here for you. Hugs!

Lastly, I have some coping tips to help you with your cutting and depression which are: Coping Techniques – paint, journal, write song or poem of how you feel, write down negative feelings then rip up paper, listen to music

Calm yourself- take a hot shower, pet or cuddle with dog or cat, massage your neck, hands and feet

If you feel disconnected or numb- call a friend (talk about anything), take a cold shower, hold ice cube in the crook of your arm or leg, chew something very strong such as, peppermint or grape fruit peel

Release Tension- exercise such as, dance, run, hit punching bag, punch a cushion or mattress or scream into pillow, squeeze a stress ball or squish play-doh or clay, rip something (paper or magazine), make noise (play instrument, bang on pots and pans

Substitute for cutting- use a red felt tip pen to mark where you usually cut, rub ice across your skin where you usually cut and put rubber bands on wrists, arms legs and snap them instead of cutting or hitting
 
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