Healthy ways to let them know you're struggling?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Beka, May 19, 2016.

  1. Beka

    Beka Well-Known Member

    Long story short, I have BPD and it's really making my relationship difficult for me at the moment, I need my partner's attention without annoying him. I respect his needs too but I'm struggling and I don't know how to tell him this without seeming like I'm "doing it for attention"
     
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    First thing to remember it is that you are doing it for attention- attention that you need. Everybody needs attention from their partner on occasion- if not there would be precious little benefit to having a partner instead of staying free to do what you want when you want so asking for attention is not a bad thing or something you are not allowed to do. Trying to express it in a way that makes it not look like asking for attention leaves a lot of room for ambiguity and misunderstanding what it is you want or need as well as puts it in a position where you want and need the attention but are saying you are not doing it for attention to start an argument about semantics. "Beka keeps telling me I need to listen and spend more time with her and talk to her more right now and insisting she is not asking for more attention, so I have no idea what the hell it is called...." That is very often the start of annoyance when the signals get crossed - so be straightforward. The other thing is figure out in your own mind what it is that you do want or need for support because it clearly will come up- "What do you want or need from me? How can I help you?" When those are responded to with "i don't know " or ambiguous terms like "just need you to be there for me" then it is very often going to go downhill quickly- you will not get what you need and your partner has no idea and can't read minds to figure it out - in the end you feel like you are not getting what you need and your partner feels like nothing they do is good enough so why bother.

    If you are in any type of reasonable relationship at all your partner will want to help you. You have to be able to say what it is you need so they are able. If you truly do not know what it is that you need (very very possible) then say so and be understanding when what they try is not good enough or working- since you do nto know yourself it is not fair to expect them to know. Being clear and and making honest clear statements is the easiest / best way to get more out of a relationship- not expecting they know things that you have not figured out yet so far as what you need to feel better, and not by "testing them" to see if they understand you enough to give what you want so that you have a reason to blame them when if you do not get what need to feel better. (the "you" in this is a generality- not you specifically at all- I am not say "you" do those things :) )

    You respect your partner enough to not want to annoy him in asking for more- trust your partner enough that if you speak clearly about what you need they will want to try to provide it, and they will appreciate not having to guess or or somehow miraculously know when they are doing it right or wrong without feedback.
     
    Freya likes this.