-
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT: Please read THIS THREAD about a rebrand for SF.
Help
- Thread starter LumberJack
- Start date
Today is another difficult day and itās only 8:30. I want out of this. It hurts too much. However, I had an insight yesterday where I could rationally see the consequences of my suicide for those who are left behind. Of course I donāt want to put them through that! But how to hold on, when I desperately want out, that is the question.
Iām not feeling well. I know that there are people who care about me, and yet I feel like Iām just a burden on everyone. I know that I am not worthless, but I donāt feel worthy of anything except death. I could go on and on with more examples, but I think you get the gist. My pessimistic side keeps sneaking up on me and taking over. My traumatic memories keep intruding on the present. It feels so bad; I feel so broken.
However I am not feeling suicidal, which is progress. I just wish I knew how to stop this pain.
However I am not feeling suicidal, which is progress. I just wish I knew how to stop this pain.
Sometimes out inner-voice, or voices; can speak in "un-truth's," too... so just always keep that in mind. Just because you feel/or are feel-ing 'it,' doesn't mean that it is true, or a reality in that sense. Our minds are very powerful things, that lie to us all the time. Especially when fueled by past traumas & negative emotions. Even further enhanced by severe mental illness, or depression, etc. This is not to say that any of these things you are feeling are false, or not real to you. Just that they are, or can tend to be distorted. And/or grossly exaggerated, if not out-right fabricated in some instances. Or emphasized more than they should be - while the other things: the positive & the good, are overly minimized. Therefore creating an imbalance in your perception & your thoughts with how you see things and analyze them in your life, when it comes to its summary, shall we say? . . . Have a good night, and be easy on yourself. Try to get some good rest. That usually helps. Or doesn't hurt, anyway~
Hi, yes I have been through CBT and I am familiar with cognitive distortions. But even though I can tell that my fears are irrational, I still suffer, and that is what I am upset over. I am barely holding on to my sobriety for now, seeing that I have only made it through one full November without drinking. That was last year. Nobody around me understands mental health problems, so they donāt get it. Iām doing my best, but Iām constantly getting the message that my best isnāt good enough.
Well, if my best doesnāt work, I guess im just a waste of oxygen who should exit existence asap. I try to be useful, but everything I touch either blows up in my face, or it breaks something else later. I am so sick of failing and disappointing people around me.
I would not have to navigate this dilemma if I were dead. I donāt exactly want to die. I just want to be dead.
Well, if my best doesnāt work, I guess im just a waste of oxygen who should exit existence asap. I try to be useful, but everything I touch either blows up in my face, or it breaks something else later. I am so sick of failing and disappointing people around me.
I would not have to navigate this dilemma if I were dead. I donāt exactly want to die. I just want to be dead.
I do appreciate your input and the time it took to reply @MisterBGone. I am not in a good place right now and Iām too tired to even try to dispute the thoughts. Sorry if I was crabby.
hugs @LumberJack
I wish you had people around you who understand mental health problems and issues. You are understood here, and cared for too. I hope it helps a bit during the darkest times when we tend to feel so alone.
You are good and beautiful.
I wish you had people around you who understand mental health problems and issues. You are understood here, and cared for too. I hope it helps a bit during the darkest times when we tend to feel so alone.
You are good and beautiful.
Oh, no need to apologize at all @LumberJack . . : ) You're fine & I understand how hard it is for you right now. I just wanted to also say, that I think making it through one November; any November, is a colossal achievement in & of itself, for that has got to be such a difficult month (unless you live in a tropical place~) / but more-over, I was not looking for any debate, healthy, lively or otherwise... For I was not hear to quarrel with you or to challenge you on any of your positions. One of the wonderful gifts of the printed medium, and in particular, when you are not a particular proficient writer: the ability to communicate your message, meaningfully, clearly, and such that the tone is deduced at least enough so that it is not grossly misunderstood. Never mind it if's anywhere in the same zip code as you'd said it in your head at the time. So many factors erased by the online written word. But that is besides the point, only to suggest you've done very fine & noble work, and your efforts should be more appreciated and celebrated. If not by others, or those around you whom you care about the most, then most definitely & certainly by you - yourself. You should realize and acknowledge what a monumentous goal you have achieved. Again--to me--that is a "towering," achievement. And if at any point you do slip up, then it is important to realize that-that is okay as well. For we are all just human and relapses happen. The key is to then get up and try to start a new stretch or string again. And look at it that way, as opposed to beating yourself up for that which has (already) befallen. Again, never mind or ignore what unhelpful criticisms, critiques, or comments of scathing variety & type, or style are coming your way and heeded in your direction. For hurling them only shows what they are truly made of, if they really cared so much for you at all... And it could just be ignorance, and lack of understanding as well. Sad as that may be, it still is the predmoninant force in many a'families around unfortuate to report. Still- even in this day & age~ // but what I would say to you is this: what do you see when you look in the mirror. And / or ask yourself, honestly. Are you happy with the efforts you've made, and the strides you've taken? Along with the attitude with which you've fought, to keep this beast that is depression & suicidal thoughts and such at bay? Because it is almost never going to be, or it rarely is anyway, an undefeated record in that regard. We all take our lumps, and score or chalk up our defeats. The key is to keep going, and battling & fighting, so that one day you can hopefully have - if not conquered this thing - then at least kept it at Bay, or learned how to manage and cope with it better, or best, such that it no longer interferes in or with your life in such a prominent, and significant fashion. I hope you have a nice evening, and try not to be too hard on yourself!
