I feel just insanely suicidal right now. I’m still constantly having memories of painful past experiences coming up every minute I am not actively distracting myself. I’m not able to think of any way out. To the contrary, I’m sensing that trying to analyze my way to health is not working.
Perhaps thinking so much is only digging me deeper. I don’t know what else to do, though. The obvious answer (to me) is to reach out to someone who cares about me. I’m downplaying the possibility of that, because I don’t want to burden someone else with my dangerous feelings. My loved ones have their own problems and obligations and I worry that I might be asking too much.
So instead, I’m working at 5:00 AM. It feels so pointless. I know this is a temporary state. I’m also aware that it’s been so long since I’ve felt even okay that I hardly remember what it’s like.