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How Are You Feeling Right Now?
- Thread starter UNREGISTERED0000
- Start date
hardcore depressed, like can't think straight. A blood test would say that I'm 100% sober, but I don't think I can hold enough information in my brain at one time right now to risk driving. Since I really can't do anything or make (good) decisions right now, I took a nap. Then I got restless and although I am physically tired, I'm fidgeting and every so often I'm sighing like I'm in grief or expecting to be in grief soon. Thinking about the future is blocked, so doing anything that has a payoff down the road just doesn't compute.
It's not all bad, though. I had some more adulting to do today that were follow-ups from yesterday. Since I was hardly feeling anything, I didn't have any anxiety or fear associated with such tasks like I normally do. This made it easy to take care of things instead of procrastinating. I also looked up some info that I was curious about but wasn't getting around to. Usually that sends me down multiple rabbit holes (e.g., looking up a legal regulation leads to me learning about the history of common law in England going back to the 15th century, and then even more about SCOTUS procedures), but since I don't have my "I must instantly know everything" circuits online, I just went a couple layers deep and then got tired of it.
Another thing that is just something that has been nice is that I haven't heard any dogs going nuts today. That's a rare occurrence so I am going to enjoy it while it lasts.
It's not all bad, though. I had some more adulting to do today that were follow-ups from yesterday. Since I was hardly feeling anything, I didn't have any anxiety or fear associated with such tasks like I normally do. This made it easy to take care of things instead of procrastinating. I also looked up some info that I was curious about but wasn't getting around to. Usually that sends me down multiple rabbit holes (e.g., looking up a legal regulation leads to me learning about the history of common law in England going back to the 15th century, and then even more about SCOTUS procedures), but since I don't have my "I must instantly know everything" circuits online, I just went a couple layers deep and then got tired of it.
Another thing that is just something that has been nice is that I haven't heard any dogs going nuts today. That's a rare occurrence so I am going to enjoy it while it lasts.
Unsettled. A bit hyper. I'm having homesickness for my old place, but also wanderlust, itchy feet or whatever it's called. I am definitely grateful for how certain things have worked out, but it's not feeling right. Maybe this is because it's spring and I have been inside a lot this winter, and need more movement and fresh air. I wish I had some friends to go hiking or running with but for now I'll have to plan a few excursions on my own.
Nostalgic. I'm working 4 days a week in Nelson BC and the steep mountains are making me miss my twenties. I wish i had the time and didn't have to worry about getting injured and could mountain bike more. I can't push my luck too hard when i have to lift multiple hundred pounds at work and i don't have as much free time anymore.
Where i live is nice but there's something about steep ass mountains that makes me feel alive.
Where i live is nice but there's something about steep ass mountains that makes me feel alive.
Attachments
Still lost without work structure. I can't get a job though as my hip pain doesn't let me sit for long. (I am an engineer so I would sit at a computer for long periods of time). The Photoshop class was a godsend but it is over this week. But I miss designing (thinking) and interacting with people. The money would help after spending $$ on the cat last week. But I am facing a day without plans and I don't like it. I"ll find something to do-Photoshop class - but I miss work.
I'm having a panic attack! Yay me! I didn't realize it until I was going online to find first aid ideas for intense, mind-defeating tightness I woke up this morning. I have been doing multiple different stretches and it just seems to hurt worse. So... do I need first aid? Urgent care? EMERGENCY care? ???
I know that cadence. It's panic. When feeling very tight progresses to OMG WTF IS HAPPENING TO ME??? in less than an hour, what I really need to do is my panic attack management strategy that I have been able to use successfully before. It pretty much comes down to the following cognitions:
It's been a long time since I have fully panicked though. I'm lucky to have had practice with this in the past. It allows me to step back and see that it's panic and then I can sort of watch it while retaining my ability to observe and use logic.
The annoying thing is that I've all but stopped drinking coffee in the morning, and I have been doing well with diet and hydration for a few days now. Maybe it's a form of detox, like when I quit smoking. At that time, suddenly my lungs did a deep clean without warning me, and the most horrible, foul, gunk that I had ever seen started issuing from my throat. I don't know if emotions behave in a similar way, but ffs I am not qualified to speculate on so much as what to have for lunch right now. I shouldn't try to problem solve.
Kind of sharing it here to force myself to articulate the steps to myself. If it's something anyone else can use, then so much the better.
I know that cadence. It's panic. When feeling very tight progresses to OMG WTF IS HAPPENING TO ME??? in less than an hour, what I really need to do is my panic attack management strategy that I have been able to use successfully before. It pretty much comes down to the following cognitions:
- I feel terrible
- feeling terrible is not an emergency
- feeling terrible about feeling terrible is the signature of panic
- From past experience, I know my panic will subside in at most 60 minutes if I let it pass
- I can take a rest for about 30 minutes and see how I'm doing then.
It's been a long time since I have fully panicked though. I'm lucky to have had practice with this in the past. It allows me to step back and see that it's panic and then I can sort of watch it while retaining my ability to observe and use logic.
The annoying thing is that I've all but stopped drinking coffee in the morning, and I have been doing well with diet and hydration for a few days now. Maybe it's a form of detox, like when I quit smoking. At that time, suddenly my lungs did a deep clean without warning me, and the most horrible, foul, gunk that I had ever seen started issuing from my throat. I don't know if emotions behave in a similar way, but ffs I am not qualified to speculate on so much as what to have for lunch right now. I shouldn't try to problem solve.
Kind of sharing it here to force myself to articulate the steps to myself. If it's something anyone else can use, then so much the better.
I know the feeling. I'm a native Coloradan and even by those standards I'm an outdoor nut. I lived in AZ for a while where I became a vampire. Exposure to sun meant burning, so I stopped doing it. Then I get back to Colorado and I haven't changed from that yet. I recently saw some photos of wild places up in the San Juan mountain range that made my heart ache. I miss nature like, well, like the way an overgrown boy scout misses nature, I guess.
The way I felt about those photos, though, has me thinking I should not go straight up into the wilderness. I might lose my mind and go feral. Just strip off all my clothes and run into the trees... which wouldn't go well, of course. I know how to survive in the wilderness (again, boy scouts) - but I don't know how to do it without supplies!
So, I'm thinking about a phased approach. Go hiking in open space within my own county, then maybe head up to some trails in the 6K to 8K elevation range. Assuming that goes well, Rocky Mountain National Park, but not on the 14'ers. Keep testing my endurance until I'm on Long's Peak again.
The way I felt about those photos, though, has me thinking I should not go straight up into the wilderness. I might lose my mind and go feral. Just strip off all my clothes and run into the trees... which wouldn't go well, of course. I know how to survive in the wilderness (again, boy scouts) - but I don't know how to do it without supplies!
So, I'm thinking about a phased approach. Go hiking in open space within my own county, then maybe head up to some trails in the 6K to 8K elevation range. Assuming that goes well, Rocky Mountain National Park, but not on the 14'ers. Keep testing my endurance until I'm on Long's Peak again.
Feel like I'm gonna lose my mind. My mind can't keep up with everything. I'm losing it. I think I wrote in most forums and feel like I'm a repeat. I don't have Noone and nowhere to go. Am I at fought if my wife can't pay the rent but wants me to pay everything before I go sleep in my truck. It's not easy to find a place. I got denied once and worried. I can't take tomorrow stress cause I'm gonna explode.
Sry I'm an a hole and don't deserve to have anything.
Sry I'm an a hole and don't deserve to have anything.
