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How Are You Feeling Right Now?
- Thread starter UNREGISTERED0000
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I'm sorry to hear this even with you having grieved deeply over the years. Lonely sucks. I can't think of a nicer word at the moment. I'm feeling that myself a lot these days and it's different than aloneness time that is a nice thing to have. I hope you are coming up and out of the spiral at least for awhile.....
At the risk of prying, do you feel comfortable mentioning what her issue is with you? If not, please don't hesitate to say "no." I ask because if she did not live w/ you from age 15 on, then maybe she has some untrue assumptions behind the estrangement.
I'm going to get into some life story stuff below, so I'm putting it in spoiler tags for the sake of brevity...
In reading your posts, it does seem like you've tried to apologize but maybe there's something else she's pissed about. I don't expect you to particularly know.
My spidey-sense tells me that your ex poisoned her against you. In other words, mild brainwashing. It happened to me, and I think that this is done in 99% of divorces that happen with kids still in the home, with the exceptions being the most amicable of separations. I would guess it is going to impact the growing child more if only one side is badmouthing the other. It sucks, it's not fair, but I'd be really surprised if it's not true.
I don't have any advice at all, but I would be pleased if you could move through this pain. Of course, I can't move through my own pain, except in therapy. I know how hard it is, well for me, anyway. Hugs
I'm going to get into some life story stuff below, so I'm putting it in spoiler tags for the sake of brevity...
From my perspective, which turns out to be a story: I was estranged from my father for about 25 years, until he died. I was not unhappy when I got the news. The reason is that he abandoned the whole family and then relocated to a state where they don't have laws to put liens on income for being a deadbeat dad. In other words, my mom was on her own with 4 kids still in the house. The oldest had already set off on her own. All I wanted was an apology. I never got it, so I never spoke to him again.
He reached out over fb one time with some low-effort message expressing a desire to connect. Zero acknowledgement of the pain he inflicted. Not just on me, but the entire immediate and extended family. Additionally he was really unstable; I heard from a couple of his siblings who did stay in touch, but he eventually estranged them, too. Major rage issues - he apparently would just out of nowhere have a huge outburst and verbally abuse them. Nobody needs to take that; I don't blame them. I grieved losing a dad at age 14. That is how old I was when he decided paying child support was not something he cared for.
At the same time, I did not want to be estranged from him while I was still alive. I just wanted him to take responsibility for what he did to us.
For my mom's part, she did apologize to us for the chaos and hurt that happened while were growing up. I have reconciled with her but not all of my siblings have. I'm very glad because we are moderately close now and I enjoy her company. This being said, she has her own issues, too, but that's true for everyone so I can't really resent that aspect, lol.
He reached out over fb one time with some low-effort message expressing a desire to connect. Zero acknowledgement of the pain he inflicted. Not just on me, but the entire immediate and extended family. Additionally he was really unstable; I heard from a couple of his siblings who did stay in touch, but he eventually estranged them, too. Major rage issues - he apparently would just out of nowhere have a huge outburst and verbally abuse them. Nobody needs to take that; I don't blame them. I grieved losing a dad at age 14. That is how old I was when he decided paying child support was not something he cared for.
At the same time, I did not want to be estranged from him while I was still alive. I just wanted him to take responsibility for what he did to us.
For my mom's part, she did apologize to us for the chaos and hurt that happened while were growing up. I have reconciled with her but not all of my siblings have. I'm very glad because we are moderately close now and I enjoy her company. This being said, she has her own issues, too, but that's true for everyone so I can't really resent that aspect, lol.
In reading your posts, it does seem like you've tried to apologize but maybe there's something else she's pissed about. I don't expect you to particularly know.
My spidey-sense tells me that your ex poisoned her against you. In other words, mild brainwashing. It happened to me, and I think that this is done in 99% of divorces that happen with kids still in the home, with the exceptions being the most amicable of separations. I would guess it is going to impact the growing child more if only one side is badmouthing the other. It sucks, it's not fair, but I'd be really surprised if it's not true.
I don't have any advice at all, but I would be pleased if you could move through this pain. Of course, I can't move through my own pain, except in therapy. I know how hard it is, well for me, anyway. Hugs
Ive never directly apologized to my daughter. I did write to her that I struggled with depression and bipolar disorder years ago. The depression will never leave me, I just manage it. Maybe I should apologize directly for hurting her. I left her father for someone else when she was 5. I always provided. But, I heard through my other son that my exhusband would bash me. Honestly, I was surprised. I guess I shouldn't be. Also, i was a go go dancer for many years. I think its quite possible she holds this against me. People judge.
I dont think I can cut her out of my life completely. I have reached out. I know she gets my messages, even if she doesn't respond. I go through many emotions, sadness, guilt, anger, loss. Im trying to not let the stark emotions wave over me, but I cant help it.
I feel like history repeats itself. I had a blase attitude towards my biological mother. I considered my foster mother my real mom. As an adult there were years that I felt disappointment and anger with her too. But now I realize she only had a 6th grade education and was limited by self esteem issues and her outlook on life. I love her immensely, but she's been gone now for several years. Now its my turn to take the brunt of ill feelings from my own daughter.
Thank you @JanisSPK. You hit the nail on the head about loneliness. I can only have so much me time. My children are older now and off with their boyfriends and girlfriends, living their lives as they should be. My fiance is many miles away. I am fortunate though to have my best friend. I feel like he is always with me in my heart.
I'm going to overspeak here probably and I apologize if it's too much. I am in an emotional state with my own situations and words are my only way besides meditation and being in nature for connecting. I do not mean to offend in any way, I'm just sharing and trying to be supportive....
It's a hand me down issue from generation to generation. From my grandmother, who I heard was the extreme of inaccessible, who I never knew and died when my mother was 18, then my mother so filled with inaccessibility and unhappiness that she even had a premature child at 30 that she didn't know what to do with or how to treat. Maybe it was a gift I could not have children...but it transmuted for me into a deep desire and mission to deliver them as a midwife and L&D nurse for a number of years while being a nurse..I believe it was a part of my healing as the years went by possibly.
I'm sad you say you "have to take the brunt of".....because I can hear the deep love and desire you have for this child you brought into the world.
I would like to share that if my mother had ever said to me anytime over the years that she was sorry for how she had been with me it would lighten and relieve my heart in so many ways. I know she mostly didn't understand or didn't want to. The only indication I ever had from her was somewhere in my late 30's she actually made a one line statement in the kitchen of her house saying that she knew she hadn't been the best mother. That was remarkable with the wounds she carried around. I almost fell over when she said it. It was not an opening by her for conversation though unfortunately for us or I would have sat down with her and shared and listened.
I embrace the idea that you might consider the idea of apologizing directly. But that is only little me and my thoughts around this situation. However it goes....I so support you in whatever you choose to do and also whatever feelings you have at anytime with whatever you are sharing about here or hold within yourself.
I hope that you get with her a reconnection if it is to be so. And some inner calmness while the time passes in the present.
I know you may not have asked for remarks to your share so thank you for letting me respond to what you wrote.
And I am glad you have such a dear and close friend.
Janis
It's a hand me down issue from generation to generation. From my grandmother, who I heard was the extreme of inaccessible, who I never knew and died when my mother was 18, then my mother so filled with inaccessibility and unhappiness that she even had a premature child at 30 that she didn't know what to do with or how to treat. Maybe it was a gift I could not have children...but it transmuted for me into a deep desire and mission to deliver them as a midwife and L&D nurse for a number of years while being a nurse..I believe it was a part of my healing as the years went by possibly.
I'm sad you say you "have to take the brunt of".....because I can hear the deep love and desire you have for this child you brought into the world.
I would like to share that if my mother had ever said to me anytime over the years that she was sorry for how she had been with me it would lighten and relieve my heart in so many ways. I know she mostly didn't understand or didn't want to. The only indication I ever had from her was somewhere in my late 30's she actually made a one line statement in the kitchen of her house saying that she knew she hadn't been the best mother. That was remarkable with the wounds she carried around. I almost fell over when she said it. It was not an opening by her for conversation though unfortunately for us or I would have sat down with her and shared and listened.
I embrace the idea that you might consider the idea of apologizing directly. But that is only little me and my thoughts around this situation. However it goes....I so support you in whatever you choose to do and also whatever feelings you have at anytime with whatever you are sharing about here or hold within yourself.
I hope that you get with her a reconnection if it is to be so. And some inner calmness while the time passes in the present.
I know you may not have asked for remarks to your share so thank you for letting me respond to what you wrote.
And I am glad you have such a dear and close friend.
Janis
2 crowns at the dentist today. Anesthetic is starting to wear off. The teeth are not hurting yet, but my gum line is about as sore as it’s ever been. I mean it’s so bad I am afraid to go to the grocery store or anywhere else because I get grumpy and gruff when I have pain like this. I don’t want to ruin someone else’s day just because mine is, lol… 
Hopefully ibuprofen will take care of it, because I am loathe to use the topical stuff (anbesol?). It is benzocaine and is sold for oral irritation, e.g., cold sore. It makes my entire mouth numb, though, so it’s a last resort.
Hopefully ibuprofen will take care of it, because I am loathe to use the topical stuff (anbesol?). It is benzocaine and is sold for oral irritation, e.g., cold sore. It makes my entire mouth numb, though, so it’s a last resort.
2 crowns at the dentist today. Anesthetic is starting to wearoff. The teeth are not hurting yet, but my gum line is about as sore as it’s ever been. I mean it’s so bad I am afraid to go to the grocery store or anywhere else because I get grumpy and gruff when I have pain like this. I don’t want to ruin someone else’s day just because mine is, lol… Hopefully ibuprofen will take care of it, because I am loathe to use the topical stuff (anbesol?). It is benzocaine and is sold for oral irritation, e.g., cold sore. It makes my entire mouth numb, though, so it’s a last resort.
Hopefully ibuprofen will take care of it, because I am loathe to use the topical stuff (anbesol?). It is benzocaine and is sold for oral irritation, e.g., cold sore. It makes my entire mouth numb, though, so it’s a last resort.
I am impressed you are doing the ibuprofen on its own. I get told to GENTLY warm salt water swish a bit after the first day or so a s the salt water can assist in a couple of ways. I feel for you. Think of me tomorrow 11:00 central time lol as I sit in the chair and let them do their thing....I hope they did an excellent job on you and that this will take care of any oral issues for you.