How Are You Feeling Right Now?

[LumberJack]

Here's a proper Camus quote, sourced from his 1955 preface to The Myth Of Sisyphus, "even if one does not believe in God, suicide is not legitimate." I'm not sure if I agree with this unconditionally, but his point is that the struggle to find meaning in an ultimately meaning-less universe is in itself worthwhile.

 

[Windhover]

hugs. no answer needed but did something happen?

Thank you for hugs, they always help.

 

[Windhover]

Thank you @LumberJack and @AvidFan

LumberJack you made me smile in spite of myself with that comment. I'm tempted to make a booking for you. I know oc you wouldn't, nor would I

 

[LumberJack]

Thank you @LumberJack and @AvidFan

LumberJack you made me smile in spite of myself with that comment. I'm tempted to make a booking for you. I know oc you wouldn't, nor would I

Oh - phew. I remember that you usually don't mind my joking around even when I'm responding to your post about something really painful. So I took the risk. I'm tremendously relieved that it didn't come across as insensitive. I might be on a slapstick kick or something.

BTW when you said make a booking for me, was that about going to AUS or maybe you wanted to connect me with a stand-up gig? I'll show myself out...

 

[Windhover]

BTW when you said make a booking for me, was that about going to AUS or maybe you wanted to connect me with a stand-up gig? I'll show myself out...

One of the good things about feeling safe is it's not too risky to joke. I must be feeling better. But yeah, tickets to Oz. I remembered Aus customs won't allow any wood products in to the country, so we'll have to make a stop somewhere to buy lumber...
We are aware this is getting into strange plays on words with echoes of Greek tragedies.

 

[LumberJack]

In short, I'm noticing that I'm not only feeling better, but that on some level I'm actually feeling good and optimistic. The constant fear and sadness that has been my baseline for 2 years is gone, for now.

In long...
I feel good as of now and for the past couple of hours. I went to a meditation/recovery meeting in the evening. It was a really good meeting. There was like 3x as many people there, and whatever I didn't immediately identify with, I was curious about it. I chatted with a few folks afterward, and it just felt good. On my way home, I noticed that the weight in my brain (Like a dense, black, sludge - slightly less viscous than lava rolling down a volcano slope) was entirely not bothering me.

I have been working hard on accepting the present moment, insofar as my displeasure is not going to change things. So what can I do, now, given the fact that everything sucks and the planet will probably see a runaway greenhouse effect within 100 yrs? I can narrow my scope, for starters, but that's why I was mentioning just taking one step at a time, over and over. It seems to help.

What I noticed while driving home from the meeting is that I have been making progress with being nonjudgmental over the present moment, and cognitively it's tamping down some of the really vicious intrusive thoughts. I'm also noticing in my day to day mental activity that I'm trying to solve things that may happen, but are very unlikely. Similar story with rehearsing the past, planning with no idea what I'm planning for, or getting lost in my negative assumptions about everyone on the road exhibiting my highway pet peeves*. It's taking up a lot of energy and it can be dropped. So far simply dropping it has not created any catastrophe and I'm less worried.

* - namely, not passing in the passing lane when there is plenty of room to the right to get over, not giving the right-of-way to cars ahead of them trying to change lanes, and FFS would it kill these people to use a goddam turn signal? I'm happy to let you in, but I'd appreciate a friggin heads-up!! holy crap!!!

 

[LumberJack]

... so we'll have to make a stop somewhere to buy lumber...
We are aware this is getting into strange plays on words with echoes of Greek tragedies.

I know a thing or two about climbing trees, lol.
I am now aware that I'm piling onto your pun that you based on my name . I shall send you gas money as reimbursement.

 

[Lane]

1.5 margaritas is giving me quite a wide range. I've seen 24 oz., 4 shots of tequila margs in my travels. I don't know you as terribly reckless though, but just thought of throwing that out there. Please tell me to go stuff it if I am being annoying. You would not be the first.

not at all LumberJack. They were regular size glasses and I wasn't even buzzed. I definitely don't drive drunk. I may have in the past tbh, but not anymore. Thanks for caring.

 

[Lane]

preferably dead, it's going to not be put off much longer. If I can get to where I should've done it I will. If not, then it'll have to happen over here.

Seabird please stay safe as you are very cared for here. Please be gentle with yourself.

 

[Lane]

Ok @Lane ….not trying to be nosy but concerned here
Any tiny chance of blood pressure issue or diabetes etc etc….Could just be a rare unique occurance but I seem to remember you mentioning dizziness a short time back. And I could have you confused with someone else here if not you 🌞I hope you are doing better this afternoon☮️

Hi Janis. Just took a physical and some major tests and it looks like im AOk. Honestly, a man sat next to me, nice guy but he talked to me about everything from his father being a dentist to his healthy lifestyle changes. The interaction gave me anxiety and I believe that's what made me ill. Go figure . Thanks for reaching out. How are you doing?

 

[Lane]

Sometimes, like right now, I ponder the fact that I can decide to end it all at some point. It calms me; the choice is there, in case things go really south. There is this famous quote, falsely attributed to Camus: "Should I kill myself, or have a cup of coffee?". Today, I choose the cup of coffee.

I can totally relate to this. Suicidal ideation calmed me down and was like a pleasant fantasy. Lets have that cuppa coffee @DarkNightshade.

 

[AvidFan]

One of the good things about feeling safe is it's not too risky to joke. I must be feeling better. But yeah, tickets to Oz. I remembered Aus customs won't allow any wood products in to the country, so we'll have to make a stop somewhere to buy lumber...
We are aware this is getting into strange plays on words with echoes of Greek tragedies.

I would help but my lumbar issues may make me inadequate in a struggle. I would suggest 3D printing something into the country to print later, but the feds may be watching and arrest us all 🫨 I only mean like 3D print a baseball bat, nothing more deadly than that.

 

[Angie]

How am I feeling? That is a good question. My health issues have me feeling down and idk what the word is, maybe desperate. Like how do I even get treated properly when no one in my little town understands what is happening to me. My primary doctor didn't even have an idea of who to refer me to!

School is going well so far, the pace is so fast though.

I'm sleeping way too much and don't know exactly why. I suspect it is the new anti depressant I started, but my pdoc says no. Could he be wrong?

blah

 

[AvidFan]

How am I feeling? That is a good question. My health issues have me feeling down and idk what the word is, maybe desperate. Like how do I even get treated properly when no one in my little town understands what is happening to me. My primary doctor didn't even have an idea of who to refer me to!

School is going well so far, the pace is so fast though.

I'm sleeping way too much and don't know exactly why. I suspect it is the new anti depressant I started, but my pdoc says no. Could he be wrong?

blah

Sorry you are going through this sort of thing too. Similar for me - doctors just shrug and check the box which says whatever the computer says should happen next. The medical system here separates everything into separate boxes and doesn't work at all well when you have a complex pelvic pain symptom involving multiple systems, with a UTI, stress and health anxiety factors thrown into the mix. I hope things improve with your care.

I am not a doctor but my personal experience is that yes doctors can be spectacularly wrong about medication side effects. People can have unusual effects, paradoxical effects, etc. Doctors would generally say that stopping 10mg amitriptyline is perfectly safe and shouldn't get any withdrawals - stopping 10mg almost killed me a couple of years ago!

I'm glad at least that you are sleeping too much rather than not at all at the moment - though appreciate neither extreme is ideal!

 

[AvidFan]

Anxious and apprehensive. I have a remote call now then 2 back to back meetings. Have a heavy email hanging over me, and am not feeling particular settled, it's all a lot of work to get through while not feeling 100 per cent and I have to be really "on" for these types of meeting. At least it is familiar people and topics so that's something. I've just eaten breakfast early which might settle me. Also have the health anxiety in background which can just create a low level dread even if symptoms are lying low for the time being. The weather is also pretty dreadful - pouring down, wind, thunder - which adds background anxiety about my commute home and what might happen to house.

 

[LumberJack]

not at all LumberJack. They were regular size glasses and I wasn't even buzzed. I definitely don't drive drunk. I may have in the past tbh, but not anymore. Thanks for caring.

I think I must have been hanging out at different bars back in the day, lol.

I don’t imagine that you would drive buzzed. The sensations you described earlier kind of sounded like an alcohol rebound effect. If it’s not that, then I hope it doesn’t keep happening, or that you get checked out for what could be causing it.

 

[Windhover]

Seabird please stay safe as you are very cared for here. Please be gentle with yourself.

Thank you Lane, and for the hugs too.

The thing is, I think my version of being gentle with myself was wrong all along.

 

[LumberJack]

The medical system here separates everything into separate boxes and doesn't work at all well when you have a complex pelvic pain symptom involving multiple systems, with a UTI, stress and health anxiety factors thrown into the mix.

I am not a doctor but my personal experience is that yes doctors can be spectacularly wrong about medication side effects

Well, it makes sense - I mean, how often do different systems and parts in the body interact in a complex manner that results in various parts compensating for one thing, and then other parts compensating for the primary compensation, until there’s a complex tree of cascading effects? 🙄

Oh wait, I think the frequency approaches 100% unless you’re dealing with nothing more severe than a common cold.

I think/hope that in 200 years people will look back in horror to our ideas about the human body being a machine, much in the same way we look back at the old practice of treating everything under the sun with leeches, ffs 🤦

 

[AvidFan]

Well, it makes sense - I mean, how often do different systems and parts in the body interact in a complex manner that results in various parts compensating for one thing, and then other parts compensating for the primary compensation, until there’s a complex tree of cascading effects? 🙄

Oh wait, I think the frequency approaches 100% unless you’re dealing with nothing more severe than a common cold.

I think/hope that in 200 years people will look back in horror to our ideas about the human body being a machine, much in the same way we look back at the old practice of treating everything under the sun with leeches, ffs 🤦

Indeed! 🫨

 

[AvidFan]

Feeling better after somehow doing well in my meetings and keeping everything under control. Then got home in one piece. Checked prescription renewal for pain relief meds and no issues. Week nearly over. Am going to supermarket to get a bar of chocolate as it is pizza night and it's not a proper pizza night without some chocolate for dessert 🫠

Body has been largely behaving for today, at least!