How Are You Feeling Right Now?

[Bergerac]

You are a precious soul....

thanks

 

[nicktheundoer]

Not doing well. I actually got my hands on my method today and started sobbing feeling like I'm not a million miles away from using it. I put it back in the cupboard.

All I can say is I won't do it today. I'll go to bed and pray I sleep and pray I wake up feeling a bit more able to cope tomorrow.

We will all be happy one day...sending good wishes,hugs and love..🫂🫂❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂❤️❤️❤️❤️🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂

 

[Survivorist]

9-10 and there is nothing I can do any longer. All is out of my hand. Enough.

 

[nicktheundoer]

I feel just insanely suicidal right now. I’m still constantly having memories of painful past experiences coming up every minute I am not actively distracting myself. I’m not able to think of any way out. To the contrary, I’m sensing that trying to analyze my way to health is not working.

Perhaps thinking so much is only digging me deeper. I don’t know what else to do, though. The obvious answer (to me) is to reach out to someone who cares about me. I’m downplaying the possibility of that, because I don’t want to burden someone else with my dangerous feelings. My loved ones have their own problems and obligations and I worry that I might be asking too much.

So instead, I’m working at 5:00 AM. It feels so pointless. I know this is a temporary state. I’m also aware that it’s been so long since I’ve felt even okay that I hardly remember what it’s like.

Maybe you could chant ''Amitabha Buddha" mantra..... it has calmed me down and I also felt happiness after chanting..

 

[nicktheundoer]

9-10 and there is nothing I can do any longer. All is out of my hand. Enough.

You matter...
Please stay....praying for you....

 

[mosaic hearts]

I'm tired of life being a huge drag. There's no joy whatsoever.

 

[AvidFan]

Oh damn. I was really hoping you would get a good rest tonight 😢. Sleep deprivation can really mess with your moods. You have my empathy. I wish that I could help somehow. Mind if I send you some compassion?

It is appreciated, thank you. I just wish I knew when the next decent sleep was coming from, I'm going to bed 2-3 hours early in the hope I'll crash to sleep, but it's just not happening. I might find myself waking up and I've had half an hour or something. It's really not sufficient at a time of extreme stress and overwork. My body and brain are just refusing to do what they need. Hasn't helped there's been no time to go for a run most of this week, and stupid little stressors keep happening. It's little things as well. A month ago one of my few friends said she'd choose a Sunday in August we could get together and go for a picnic. I would like that. Said she'd be in touch after her holiday that week. That was a month ago and I've heard fuck all. I just don't feel important to anybody. Every single thing like that is just stabbing at me like a 1000 wasps on top of the serious shit I actually need to deal with (but can't afford to). The wall guy's visit today is driving me crazy with stress I'll be glad when it's out of the way - with either bad news, or very bad news to deal with.

 

[AvidFan]

is it possible to give the method to a friend for safe keeping. i'm not saying to get rid of it but get it out of the house so you don't use it on impulse

mike....

A friend. What's one of those, lol? No I don't have anyone who would even do that for me. I don't have anyone to talk to. Whenever I tell anyone how I feel they just shrug and tell me to pull myself together. If I told my sister, she'd tell me to just stop being negative and say something like "I've always thought renting was better than buying" (as someone who gets free money to pay her rent and living costs). If I was going to use the method it would be the kindest, safest method for me. If that method wasn't around and I was imminently suicidally intent, I'd end up resorting to more primitive methods that wouldn't be as nice. I don't think I'm going to impulsively use the method, it just feels inevitable that whether it's in 6 days, 6 weeks or 6 months I am going to come to a cold, rational decision that it is the best solution to end my suffering.

 

[AvidFan]

hug @AvidFan
Send a mesage anytime if you want to talk.

Thank you @seabird, appreciated. I might have to take you up on that, if it's not too much to put on you.

 

[mosaic hearts]

Thank you @seabird, appreciated. I might have to take you up on that, if it's not too much to put on you.

I have the same thoughts. Needing to talk for support but not wanting to burden anyone as everyone here is struggling in some way or another.

 

[epicpwner420]

[QUOTE="epicpwner420, post: 2427116, member: 65727" " mod edit - graphic self harm violence "

Sorry things are so bad for you.[/QUOTE]

Things aren't good sure, but part of me just doesn't want to be. Is it because of bad circumstances that I feel this way? Hard to tell. I feel like my family is the only good thing that happened in this shitty life.

I barely do any self care for years already. I would be happy to be finally put down. No point.

 

[Baywasp]

Remembering some heavy things lately. Wears me down a little.

 

[puffymilk]

Too many thoughts in my head. I'm tired.

 

[epicpwner420]

I just don't feel important to anybody.

I gave myself to the people I've known, I cared for them unconditionally and always was the first to initiate the conversation. I expected nothing in return. They all drift away at some point. Started hurting. I don't care anymore.

 

[Bergerac]

I gave myself to the people I've known, I cared for them unconditionally and always was the first to initiate the conversation. They all drift away at some point. I don't care anymore.

this is me, also.

 

[epicpwner420]

It always ends up only me and only me keeping them for as long as possible.

 

[AvidFan]

I gave myself to the people I've known, I cared for them unconditionally and always was the first to initiate the conversation. I expected nothing in return. They all drift away at some point. Started hurting. I don't care anymore.

Unfortunately a tale I can relate to. There were some good people who gave as much back but they were 35 years older than me and unfortunately died eventually, but that's another form of drifting away I guess.

 

[epicpwner420]

And even if things go sideways, because no relation is perfect, I always make sure to return to either talk things out or something else, but never to disappear. I guess everyone brains work different. I know I want to stay in touch with people I care/cared for. Especially it's not a short time of knowing eachother. It can go all fuck itself.

 

[AvidFan]

And even if things go sideways, because no relation is perfect, I always make sure to return to either talk things out or something else, but never to disappear. I guess everyone brains work different. I know I want to stay in touch with people I care/cared for. Especially it's not a short time of knowing eachother. It can go all fuck itself.

Case in point, I was due to meet a friend in late 2022. We had known each other for 3 years and met up every week including during lockdowns when allowed to meet in 2s. I was going through a lot then, financial problems, work problems, house was up for sale and things were spiralling out of control for me (why is my life like this always?) and we were supposed to meet up. First I confided how much I was struggling, he replied "May I suggest suicide". It was supposed to be a joke, going off the smiley face on it. I called him out on this and said it wasn't funny, and I just really didn't feel like meeting up that day. A week later I was feeling a little better and I reached out saying I was sorry to not meet up but I value our friendship. The message was read, but no reply. A few more days later I reached out again being very open about how much I cared about our friendship and wanted to see him again. H didn't read it because it became clear he'd blocked me. It was about that time I came to Suicide Forum because that was one of my last friends.

 

[AvidFan]

Full of dread and doom just now.