How Are You Feeling Right Now?

[maybeicanheal]

Today was my hardest day since I was released from the hospital. Started off really positive and just devolved as more stuff piled on. I feel very angry right now. Angry that I'm not just free to heal and try and rebuild, angry that I have to rely on other people and can't just be a completely self sufficient one woman show, angry that this is my life.

 

[Windhover]

That's rough @maybeicanheal. I don't have advice or anything, just want you to know I read this. I am glad you are here, except, I'm sorry for the reasons.

 

[LumberJack]

I want to die. I am in so much pain that I can’t even think straight enough to wonder what I am pissed about this time. I can’t solve it. I just wish that the pressure I’m feeling was real, because I would have shattered and imploded and I’d not be hurting this bad right now.

 

[1964dodge]

Nervous.

I have an appointment today with a new therapist. I think I’m going to need to see her multiple times a week…like 3-4 times even. And I feel really bad about it, like I’m already taking up her time and like I shouldn’t need as much help as I do. I cannot bare when people are put out by me or worried about me, so I hide away.

i hope the appointment went well

mike...

 

[Gard]

Another morning I try not to smoke a cigarette right after waking up, and nothing works. I feel irritated and angry with myself.

 

[Shinzon1]

Dishonest. But there is a few strands to it.

The sensory overload I have been feeling is probably a bad allergic reaction, my aunt told me she deals with some of the same stuff this time of year and so does her youngest daughter. My headache seems to confirm this.

One thing though has made me feel dishonest. I have been lying to myself

As mentally overloaded as I have been the past few days to borrow a phrase I heard regarding electricity something has been sort of "vampire-ing the energy" from my brain.

Between this and some of the thoughts I have had about my life that I have had the past few days I noticed something observationally that hasn't really been true since childhood teenage years

When I'm not trying to think as much.....I'm actually really fucking weird and incapable at "peopling"

Been saying a bunch of shit to weird reactions and confusion the past few days. I was like this as a child and it drove my grandma nuts. That was one of the main sources of vitriol from her. I always thought of it as abusive on her part...in fact she stood by the "you were a weirdo" in her last conversation with me before she died.

I always thought cause I sort of trained my brain out of that...that meant she was in the wrong and not being supportive.

I'm beginning to think that maybe that wierdness is my default state and that I have been just burning so much mental energy trying to hide that has been the cause of basically every other mental health issue I have ever had.

I still think I'm being weird but by my own standards not hers.

I have put in a request for a call back from a hospital network for a psych eval. It will be my final time engaging with services. I made up my mind about that.

I think once I get to this weekend I will finally getting around to writing my full story as a way to prep my brain.

I realized tonight that I have never been fully honest about how my mental health effects me with anyone in my adult life. I have been omitting things even here.

 

[Gard]

Dishonest. But there is a few strands to it.

The sensory overload I have been feeling is probably a bad allergic reaction, my aunt told me she deals with some of the same stuff this time of year and so does her youngest daughter. My headache seems to confirm this.

One thing though has made me feel dishonest. I have been lying to myself

As mentally overloaded as I have been the past few days to borrow a phrase I heard regarding electricity something has been sort of "vampire-ing the energy" from my brain.

Between this and some of the thoughts I have had about my life that I have had the past few days I noticed something observationally that hasn't really been true since childhood teenage years

When I'm not trying to think as much.....I'm actually really fucking weird and incapable at "peopling"

Been saying a bunch of shit to weird reactions and confusion the past few days. I was like this as a child and it drove my grandma nuts. That was one of the main sources of vitriol from her. I always thought of it as abusive on her part...in fact she stood by the "you were a weirdo" in her last conversation with me before she died.

I always thought cause I sort of trained my brain out of that...that meant she was in the wrong and not being supportive.

I'm beginning to think that maybe that wierdness is my default state and that I have been just burning so much mental energy trying to hide that has been the cause of basically every other mental health issue I have ever had.

I still think I'm being weird but by my own standards not hers.

I have put in a request for a call back from a hospital network for a psych eval. It will be my final time engaging with services. I made up my mind about that.

I think once I get to this weekend I will finally getting around to writing my full story as a way to prep my brain.

I realized tonight that I have never been fully honest about how my mental health effects me with anyone in my adult life. I have been omitting things even here.

That's strong. Especially after you strongly denied the doctors' help.

 

[Inanimate]

Maybe I can better tolerate more routine bs with sleep.

 

[Shinzon1]

That's strong. Especially after you strongly denied the doctors' help.

Not quite..though I have my non compliant streak.

I'm giving it one final go.

 

[TragicReality]

Cringing at my old emails, texts etc. Feeling crappy for who I am, whoever that is

 

[1964dodge]

Uncomfortable, like crap. It was me who took myself away, after all, and when I scrape away my reasons for that, there's a caustic guilt. I should've been able to figure out how to save the relationship, how to use my kind of humour and my soft strength to change things for the better.

 

[1964dodge]

Not nicely at all. I just can't write here what he said, because it hurts too much, but it comes down to me being at fault.

 

[1964dodge]

Like a ticking time bomb gradually swelling with frustration and annoyance.

 

[1964dodge]

Cringing at my old emails, texts etc. Feeling crappy for who I am, whoever that is

 

[1964dodge]

Today was my hardest day since I was released from the hospital. Started off really positive and just devolved as more stuff piled on. I feel very angry right now. Angry that I'm not just free to heal and try and rebuild, angry that I have to rely on other people and can't just be a completely self sufficient one woman show, angry that this is my life.

nobody is totally self sufficient, nobody. we all need some kind of help. i love being independent and have been for most of my life but in this world today nobody is an island anymore. for me i have my wife to depend on and vice versa, my kids help us more and more as we age. we should all strive to be independent as much as possible as well as realizing when we could use a little help. give yourself credit for being strong and getting there a little at a time. i wish you well

mike....

 

[1964dodge]

i'm feeling pretty good still. caught some little bug, i always get them, maybe i need a can of raid lol. even so my pain level is still lower except spikes. Wednesday and thursday spikes were bad but if my pain level is lower for 21 or 22 hours a day i'll take it lol. it's nice to not have to stretch pain meds because i had to use more due to pain.

i have been completely off depression meds for a week or 2 now and i'm doing great. i will tell both doctors when i see them one next week and one in july. i haven't felt this good in years. it may have been my depression meds holding me back. i love life

mike

 

[Windhover]

It will be my final time engaging with services. I made up my mind about that

I'm taking this to mean you'll be startimg to heal.
Do you sense a new normal for you, a new basis without the past judgements from her or others? It's good you're recognizing your own yardstick as it were.

 

[Windhover]

i have been completely off depression meds for a week or 2 now and i'm doing great. i will tell both doctors when i see them one next week and one in july. i haven't felt this good in years. it may have been my depression meds holding me back. i love life

This is great to read Mike!

 

[maybeicanheal]

Having a really hard time today. Just want to give up thinking about all the pain I've caused.

 

[Windhover]

You are putting too much blame on yourself. It takes TWO to maintain a relationship or to repair one. No matter what you did, if your ex did not want to change, did not want to make things better to allow relationship to continue then nothing you could do would repair it. It would have taken both of you.

True that I am blaming myself. When you're married, things aren't always equal between the partners. Spiritually (not religious, but spirit) I'm stronger than him. This isn't a perjorative assessment, it's why it's my fault. He is always focused on, and doom-scrolling on how awful everything is. He says it's logical but it's not, it's sick to be negative all the time.
Like you said he is stuck like that. From what I've seen, being an older Aussie guy he doesn't or can't admit he is frightened of and needs help with what is happening to him. I shouldn't have let him get away with the nastyness, the put-downs, and other abusive acts. I did react very strongly, I mean who wouldn't. My reaction was to abandon him, to break promise I made when we were married. But yeah, he may have my possessions and some nice paintings, just he doesn't have me anymore.