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How Are You Feeling Right Now?
- Thread starter UNREGISTERED0000
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I feel like I live in 2 parallel universes. Today I was so exhausted I was almost crawling around the house, brain fog, anxiety, feeling like I was totally done and unconfident in my own body. After stopping work this evening and watching fun videos for an hour, I felt Ok and went for my walk. 3 miles, not a single twinge, no falls or trips, head felt clearer than it has in weeks and my gammy leg was behaving 98% like it had the sciatic nerve of an almost normal human running through it. I wish I knew what button gets pushed because I'd save it inside a break glass in case of emergency box on the wall. I hope I stay in this version of the universe for a while now.
I feel better, somewhat. I have been more relaxed with myself and, although I didn't get much done, that's okay. I have been productive enough for Fri through Mon to have a day of somewhat coasting. That said, trauma issues keep resurfacing. Not the full force flashback from the other day, but still - the slightest thing will remind me of a particular episode and it feels like it just happened - and my body doesn't know the difference. He just knows I'm angry so here come the adrenaline and cortisol and blood flow to the feet and fists in preparation. Not terrible, but goddam I am tired of having to do a grounding exercise, breathing exercise, or meditation practice or all of the fucking above just to not want to kill myself and anyone else in the way. I wanted this post to be positive; maybe I should have waited until I was calmer.
For now, I am feeling optimistic about my chances of getting myself back together. For about a week, I have been mired in pain and avoidance. I think it’s related that I also felt so bad that I had retreated into depersonalization and derealization. These are trauma responses that may have been effective strategies at that time, but carrying them into the present keeps me stuck.
Yesterday, I spoke with a dear friend who has quite a bit of wisdom, aka experience, on how to move through difficult times and emotions. She helped me, possibly unintentionally, in that through her speech and behavior I see certain things that I need to learn - “click” such that I start to imagine how I can apply my tools to my own problems.
The definition of mindfulness is nonjudgmental awareness of the present. By contrast, obsessing over how I have been violated is forgetting the present in an absurd quest to correct what I don’t like (judgement) about past events. Now that I have been reminded that I could help myself, I am moving back to stability. 😊. I think; we will see.
Yesterday, I spoke with a dear friend who has quite a bit of wisdom, aka experience, on how to move through difficult times and emotions. She helped me, possibly unintentionally, in that through her speech and behavior I see certain things that I need to learn - “click” such that I start to imagine how I can apply my tools to my own problems.
The definition of mindfulness is nonjudgmental awareness of the present. By contrast, obsessing over how I have been violated is forgetting the present in an absurd quest to correct what I don’t like (judgement) about past events. Now that I have been reminded that I could help myself, I am moving back to stability. 😊. I think; we will see.
Nervous. As soon as I get health insurance squared away I will be giving notice to work that I'll be quitting. This will be the first time in my life that I'll be not looking for a job but trying to get acclimated to not having any income. The boss has turned down my desire for pt work so he's giving me more grunt work to keep me busy. And His boss admitted today that they are unsure about more design work coming in- (I'm a design engineer by trade). So it is time.
But I won't have any income and have to go 2 years living on my savings. And that makes me nervous because I have had good income for the past 15 years. I may as @AvidFan suggested do contract work but I hate having to interview. That would help.
But in the meantime I am nervous. And I'll probably pepper SF with posts to vent the nervousness. It's only two months at the latest to my new life.
But I won't have any income and have to go 2 years living on my savings. And that makes me nervous because I have had good income for the past 15 years. I may as @AvidFan suggested do contract work but I hate having to interview. That would help.
But in the meantime I am nervous. And I'll probably pepper SF with posts to vent the nervousness. It's only two months at the latest to my new life.
So I've been severely constipated, possibly due to the Seroquel I'm taking. And I'm also scared to death to have my psychiatrist change my meds and give me something else because what if I get some kind of other intolerable side effects from it or what if it doesn't work for my hallucinations. Feels like an impossible situation, to be honest, but something has to be done because I'm in pain at this point. I hadn't gone in like 8 or 9 days until today. And my stomach is still distended and hard as rock. These past few days have been utter torture. I also started panicking because nothing was working and I had tried so many laxatives. So they gave me a benzo just this one time. I don't want to get addicted to these things again so hopefully I won't have to keep taking them.
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