How Are You Feeling Right Now?

[TragicReality]

My heart goes out to both you and @1964dodge (mike), @Reality. Chronic pain can really affect your mood and everything else in your life. I know because I have been through it. I eventually healed after 7 years and more PT than I would like to admit. The PT and myofascial release massage really helped. If nothing else, they both trained me to tolerate a higher pain threshold. (😇).

At some point I decided to look for non-drug alternatives and I found some ideas. I am not suggesting that would necessarily work for you; my pain was mostly due to adhesions in my connective tissues that were holding my posture dysfunctionally, and that set off a chain reaction that ended with cartilage impacting the nerve. So, I was able to heal through PT and getting help with my posture.

Chronic pain has all sorts of different causes, so the appropriate treatment would depend on that. Unfortunately, in the USA, we used to just treat symptoms and leave the underlying problem unaddressed. The cynic in me wants to point to a profit motive; you can make more money per patient if you keep them from healing.

I say “used to,” because the opioid crisis was dealt with by severe crackdowns and now the doctors are limited in how much they can prescribe in aggregate. So we don’t even treat the symptoms anymore.

It’s really tragic and I suspect it’s because we stigmatize anything that cannot be understood unless you have been there. So we end up trying to fix a problem through law enforcement as if we could scare people into getting better. What happens instead is that patients get desperate and end up going around the system and getting opioids on the streets, hence the explosion in street fentanyl overdoses following the oxycodone crackdown. This has been seen before; per my older friends, amphetamine used to be handed out to just about anyone. The federal government cracks down, and now we have meth. Hooray for us (?).

At least my doctor acknowledged it's chronic pain. I just realized I let him know something I shouldn't have. Since he won't up this small dose, when I took a trip for 3 weeks out of the country, my son had a friend with a prescription for Dilaudid. I know. I shouldn't have. But I knew it wasn't tainted with anything. So as I was explaining to the doctor it's not working I told him I got Dilaudid for that trip. I don't have access to it again. It was desperation

I'll have to tell my dr it's not something I ever did again. He might think I'm getting street drugs. I also want to tell him I don't drink alcohol. He thinks I have an addictive personality. If I did,I'd be drinking to numb the pain. He made me sign a contract a couple years ago and when I asked the nurse if he can up my dose of oxycodone, she said "did you sign a contract?" Yes, so he'll never give you a higher dose.

It's not right. I've had physiotherapy, it can only do so much. It's my sacroiliac joints. But it's everywhere now. He's referring me to a pain clinic. I thought that meant no more pain meds. He said not necessarily. I have 2 MRI s booked in January. It's a full year from when I asked for one to look at my back again. Canada isn't as great health care as some think. My lump takes 6 months between ultrasounds, now I wait almost 2 months yet for a surgeon to take it out. Nevermind I told my doctor there's more "bumps". I could almost swear they'd rather a person just Keels over than get help. Sorry for another rant thanks for your thoughts. A massage is a good idea if I can find a good one. I had one,it didn't help

 

[chiastic_slide]

Waking up. Body feels only slightly broken.

Might have gotten a new health problem. Looking at the warning label with the accompanying awful photo, on the last cigarette package I bought; yeah, feels like that thing.

I must quit all nicotine immediately. And I fail spectacularly.

 

[LumberJack]

I’m treating myself badly again. The thoughts in my head keep going from trying to figure out how to handle people so that I don’t get in trouble again like I did at the inpatient facility. Then, I reflect on more recent experiences, and I notice how bizarrely out of order the inpatient treatment was, which I feel angry about, so it must be my fault, so how do I change my M.O. so that I can avoid trouble again… repeat. This hurts a lot.

I feel like I’m missing something here and if I just go over what is bothering me repeatedly, somehow I’ll unearth it. This assumes there is a “something” to find, and that I will recognize it when I encounter it. The chances of both being true are not great. The problem is not figuring out what to do. It’s how tf do I get off this painful hamster wheel.

 

[AvidFan]

Fairly calm right now. I finally got a few chemically aided hours of sleep after over a week of mental dysregulation and stress. Likely caused by intermittent rescue doses of various things. Propranolol rebound is horrific, even after 1 off use with a small dose - at least for me, it's supposed to be safe and gentle but the rebound wrecks everything. I've cut everything out but gone back on 10mg amitriptyline sleep dose after trying to taper off it for months. Wanted to sleep naturally but not going to happen with everything else that's going on and after a week of total insomnia I was running on nothing. I am not working today or tomorrow.

 

[Windhover]

I'm feeling less bad and a little proud of myself at the moment.

 

[Aurelia]

I can relate, and I don’t wish that on anyone. I wish nobody had ever had to deal with that! Being treated badly in a place where you can’t just get up and leave is one of the worst feelings a human could experience. Hugs if you’re open to them.

Absolutely! When I know I can't leave, and the staff mistreats people, I start to worry and maybe even become paranoid about being stuck in there.

 

[Aurelia]

I'm praying for you Aurelia.

Thank you. That means a lot to me. ❤️

 

[AvidFan]

More hopeful. I found a site/app where you can hire people to do household tasks. I nearly had a heart attack when they started going on about a wind storm coming on Monday, I thought I had till at least late September before all that crap started again. But now I found this site/app and there might be people on there who have the tools and know how to fix some of the shit falling apart that I have no clue about. And well within what I can afford to pay, rather than £500 for a 10 minute job jokers like I had before....

 

[Bergerac]

Growing in spiritual wisdom, for my work. Not easy, but worth it.

 

[Inastorm]

Feeling some what sad and alone. I enjoy my friends company, I wish they were here, or me with them.

 

[LumberJack]

Feeling some what sad and alone. I enjoy my friends company, I wish they were here, or me with them.

Face to face human contact always makes me feel better. Assuming that the other person is friendly and/or interesting, ofc…

Dealing with tension is something that I would rather do asynchronously, like over email. The advantages there are that I have a delete key when I’m writing, a delay to come back to something before sending it, and ultimately the pen is mightier than the sword, but only at a distance greater than 8 feet. (😉)

 

[LumberJack]

I just noticed that I am feeling better, at least for now. I’m doing more active steps to take care of myself in the areas of sleep, exercise, and nutrition/hydration. This is good for chipping away at the helpless feeling that paralyzes me when the pain blots everything else out.

 

[LumberJack]

More hopeful. I found a site/app where you can hire people to do household tasks.

That sounds terrific! I’m cautiously optimistic that the contractors there will be more reliable. I think that would relieve some of the anxiety that has been weighing on you day after day.

 

[ClassicsFan]

Relaxed.

 

[AvidFan]

That sounds terrific! I’m cautiously optimistic that the contractors there will be more reliable. I think that would relieve some of the anxiety that has been weighing on you day after day.

Absolutely! I think it will really help, as my anxiety hasn't been totally irrational, it's been about stuff that does need doing, that being done, will be a source of anxiety ticked off!

 

[AvidFan]

Face to face human contact always makes me feel better. Assuming that the other person is friendly and/or interesting, ofc…

This really is the case for me as well. Although I don't have many people I see socially IRL, I do have my work meetings, and I definitely feel different/better after I've had a pleasant interaction with someone, even if it is work related. I do notice a mental slump if I WFH online with not even video calls for a few days.

 

[crowgarden]

Worthless, stupid, disgusting, insignificant, crazy, too many feelings to count.

 

[Aurelia]

Hopeful, but also afraid.

 

[LumberJack]

Worthless, stupid, disgusting, insignificant, crazy, too many feelings to count.

I can definitely say I've been there. Once I told a therapist that I felt hopeless, worthless, and helpless. He replied that this is a pretty good nutshell definition of exactly what depression is. Later on I stopped using single words, and described it as, "Everything sux, it's only getting worse, and btw it's all my fault." Which got the same response from a different therapist. I'm not willing to step into the world of armchair diagnosis or practicing counseling without a license, but seeing someone else say something similar brought a new thought up for me.

Definitely we are feeling something, but I'm not sure these adjectives are feelings, exactly. They all seem to be judgements. Yes we can say we feel worthless, stupid, etc., and yet it seems like they could all be grouped together into feeling hurt and/or sad. Which are really two feelings that roll up to a category of emotional pain. That's how I view it at least. Kind of like the major category of anger would include irritability, frustration, rage, and so on.

I no longer feel like I'm worthless. I have been examining the matter, and I have come to the conclusion that worthiness is an inherent trait of all individual humans. That's what widely recognized human rights would have to be grounded in. We all have a basic dignity and deserve respect, even though this is tragically too rarely what happens. I'm still working on the feeling crazy part.

The feeling of being crazy, or however we define it, is also IMHO acceptable. When I was young I read a quote somewhere that said, "only a madman is certain of his own sanity." That would take a lot of unpacking to see how it applies, but I think the takeaway is that we must have a degree of self awareness to question whether our perceptions and emotions are lined up with "objective" reality. So, although this is uncomfortable, it's also a sign of health to be willing to question our own internal models.

If you read this far, I'd love to know what you think about the above, or even just the first paragraph if your eyes glazed over beyond that point. Please tell me if I am full of BS, and if you felt invalidated or had any other reaction. I would rather have the opportunity to improve my communication and thinking, than to have my ego buffered from what other people think. I hope that is clear.

 

[Lonely dude30]

Tired. Depressed I didn’t get paid today