I feel scared. Last I checked the clock it was 19:30 and I was doing my floss/brush teeth routine. next thing I know it's 23:00 and I'm not the slightest bit tired. So it's like 3 hours or so missing. I can't say 3.5 because I do remember some things, but it was basically that I was doing housework, however, something happened and I reorganized a cabinet that I hadn't planned on and cleaned off some other clutter on a table top - which had to be sorted and then I had to decide where things should go. So that might explain the time, but I was not aware of time passing. I know that's common for ADHD brains, but this is getting worse lately. I'm anxious because I'm anxious, which is really just how that disorder works.
I should be sleepy by now, but I'm like, "I could pass a calculus test right now" - level of wide awake. If only I could feel this way at 06:00 in the morning, I'd be goddam Superman. It does occur to me that I'm probably pushing my bedtime even further out by worrying about not getting enough sleep though. I have a plan for tomorrow and I'm going to see how long I can go without any of my avoidance behaviors. Those include being on Youtube and facebook, etc. I don't think checking in here particularly counts because I'm not doing that to escape. I'm trying to track how my mood is changing and what works. I do have to watch out for getting into an avoidance loop when I'm super anxious though. That's when I post like 7 comments over the course of 2.5 hours. So, the plan for tomorrow is to be more chill and not try to get the to-do list items done. Instead the focus will be on troubleshooting what I'm afraid of when I just can't get around to anything future related. Whether it's career or other areas, I end up doing chores and errands and watching an array of YT videos that I never even remember anyway.
Oh dear. Another dang wall of words. IDK. I just feel like my life would be a lot better if it could be over with by the end of the year.