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How Are You Feeling Right Now?
- Thread starter UNREGISTERED0000
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I understand @cymbele. On one hand I relish in the freedom of being home alone, not having to answer to anyone. On the other hand, the silence bothers me. I get bored watching tv. I like activity around me and if im alone for too long I spiral. I dread long weekends without plans. I like the summers bcz my friend and I go to the beach on Sundays, so gives me something to look forward to. Hope you have a good day. 
Welcome to the forum @Ihatetobealivexd. We are a safe, nonjudgemental site with friendly, caring members. I hope you can get comfortable here and continue to post.
Flattened. Started feeling unwell overnight, chills/fever when I got up. Urine strips progressed to showing nitrites so clearly have UTI. Filled in yet another triage form and eventually doctor called me and will send antibiotics to pharmacy. Hopefully it will catch infection soon and get rid of it, though after my saga in 2019 I'm a bit anxious what will happen.
I woke up feeling different today. I'm sleep deprived because I've done 2 stints of being out of bed for 20+ consecutive hours. First was Thursday night into Friday, and the second was last night. I am wobbly and have a headache. I noticed that I have been clenching my jaw really hard lately. Incidentally I stumbled upon a self-massage for TMJ on my meditation app - which is what alerted me. Touching the area was like the feeling of any other muscle that has been chronically contracted. I've had the same issue with Psoas and IT band. Those foam roller deals are very effective, but OMG do they feel intense. It's not pain, but just sensation. However the sensation is so strong that it's hard for my body to not contract against it.
The different thing is that I had the thought that I might be going about things in the wrong way when it comes to my depression and self-destructive urges. I've been trying to fight against the despair, as if it were an opponent that I must defeat. This is not the way I prefer to deal with myself. I'd rather we (me & my shadow parts or whatever) collaborate to reach a common goal. Easier said than done. I'm also protective of some very tender emotional wounding that I don't want to get activated so as to complicate what I'm already dealing with. I don't know why I should concern myself with that, though. It's going to happen if it's going to happen so my opinion either way is a waste of my own energy.
I have therapy on Thursday. I am going to need her input on this. I don't know anything but fighting. It's been a workable strategy, until it wasn't. But I'm tired. If I don't mind living or dying either way, I might as well just see what happens if I get advice on how to work with this without it destroying me.
The different thing is that I had the thought that I might be going about things in the wrong way when it comes to my depression and self-destructive urges. I've been trying to fight against the despair, as if it were an opponent that I must defeat. This is not the way I prefer to deal with myself. I'd rather we (me & my shadow parts or whatever) collaborate to reach a common goal. Easier said than done. I'm also protective of some very tender emotional wounding that I don't want to get activated so as to complicate what I'm already dealing with. I don't know why I should concern myself with that, though. It's going to happen if it's going to happen so my opinion either way is a waste of my own energy.
I have therapy on Thursday. I am going to need her input on this. I don't know anything but fighting. It's been a workable strategy, until it wasn't. But I'm tired. If I don't mind living or dying either way, I might as well just see what happens if I get advice on how to work with this without it destroying me.
Latest diagnosis from doctors is that I have been dealing with a pinched nerve not a hip problem. Thought I was going to get relief by an injection today but it has to be scheduled and the earliest appt is 3 weeks. So I sent a message into him asking for some pain meds so I can sleep. Now I understand the medical runaround. In the meantime I am going to get some mmj gummies which i don't want and try to get some relief.
In a bad place. Wish I had someone to talk to but i don't like usual. This pain ain't going away. I lost everything and now i am nothing. Sry if i hurt you or anybody I have intentions to hurt anybody so im sry. I just don't feel needed or wanted anymore. Im tired and exhausted from all this. Everyone says its gonna get better but im getting worse. I just want to disappear. Thank for all of you guys and girls for talking with i do appreciate it. It did help a little bit. Sry to be on ranting how much my life sucks. Everyone have good night.