One REAL attempt.
3 'not so real' attempts.
First attempt, if you can call it that, was an 'OD'. Took about 8 ******* (won't name them, but they're the ones that lead to liver damage.) I was 16 and cried a lot during that one. I took them alone, cried a bit, and then watched a film with my family. Then I went to sleep, expecting to die. I figured if you swallow loads you'd just throw them all back up, so I took what I thought was enough to kill me. They didn't, obviously. I just had a bad taste in my mouth, stomach pains, and ached for a week. Never went to the doc to get checked out. Didn't tell anyone. Just carried on.
Second attempt was the year after. I was 17. Took the same pills, more this time.. but over the space of a day. Went to school as normal.. and would just pop a pill every now and again. Excused myself from the lesson a few times thinking I was going to vomit. Ended up feeling the same as my first attempt... and life carried on. I told nobody, didn't go to hospital.
Ended up breaking down and telling my doctor and my dad about them a while later. Got put on medication, started seeing nurses/psychologists, etc, etc..
Third attempt was early 2011. I had self harmed for a few months at around 16, so this time I tried slitting my wrists. I went to a nearby field in the middle of the night with a bottle of beer and a razorblade. Cried on the way, drank the beer, sat on a bench trying to push the blade into my skin. I drew blood, but couldn't force myself to go deep enough. Went back home like nothing happened.
My first real attempt was late 2011. I took 70 pills, so this time I fully expected to die. I didn't cry, just felt numb. Went through this too many times before so it felt normal that time, and I guess I was 'all cried out'. Ended up panicking about the pain, so went to hospital. Didn't get my stomach pumped because it turns out the combination I took wasn't fatal - took a variety of pills, some HERBAL (the box said don't OD, so I figured they'd at least contribute...).. I had higher than normal levels of each in my blood, but nothing extreme. Stayed in the hospital overnight, family visited, cried.. I was awake all night, felt like an idiot. My doctor got me out the next afternoon after convincing them I'd be better off in her care. Got psych evaluated and released.
My latest OD made me realise I DO have the power to end my life - before that I never would have thought I'd be able to swallow all those pills. Didn't think I had it in me. But I genuinely shocked myself when I did it. Now I think I have the power to cut myself deep enough. Don't want to OD because it's so much more riskier - more time for me to regret it, probably won't work, may end up with liver damage.. etc.. etc..
3 'not so real' attempts.
First attempt, if you can call it that, was an 'OD'. Took about 8 ******* (won't name them, but they're the ones that lead to liver damage.) I was 16 and cried a lot during that one. I took them alone, cried a bit, and then watched a film with my family. Then I went to sleep, expecting to die. I figured if you swallow loads you'd just throw them all back up, so I took what I thought was enough to kill me. They didn't, obviously. I just had a bad taste in my mouth, stomach pains, and ached for a week. Never went to the doc to get checked out. Didn't tell anyone. Just carried on.
Second attempt was the year after. I was 17. Took the same pills, more this time.. but over the space of a day. Went to school as normal.. and would just pop a pill every now and again. Excused myself from the lesson a few times thinking I was going to vomit. Ended up feeling the same as my first attempt... and life carried on. I told nobody, didn't go to hospital.
Ended up breaking down and telling my doctor and my dad about them a while later. Got put on medication, started seeing nurses/psychologists, etc, etc..
Third attempt was early 2011. I had self harmed for a few months at around 16, so this time I tried slitting my wrists. I went to a nearby field in the middle of the night with a bottle of beer and a razorblade. Cried on the way, drank the beer, sat on a bench trying to push the blade into my skin. I drew blood, but couldn't force myself to go deep enough. Went back home like nothing happened.
My first real attempt was late 2011. I took 70 pills, so this time I fully expected to die. I didn't cry, just felt numb. Went through this too many times before so it felt normal that time, and I guess I was 'all cried out'. Ended up panicking about the pain, so went to hospital. Didn't get my stomach pumped because it turns out the combination I took wasn't fatal - took a variety of pills, some HERBAL (the box said don't OD, so I figured they'd at least contribute...).. I had higher than normal levels of each in my blood, but nothing extreme. Stayed in the hospital overnight, family visited, cried.. I was awake all night, felt like an idiot. My doctor got me out the next afternoon after convincing them I'd be better off in her care. Got psych evaluated and released.
My latest OD made me realise I DO have the power to end my life - before that I never would have thought I'd be able to swallow all those pills. Didn't think I had it in me. But I genuinely shocked myself when I did it. Now I think I have the power to cut myself deep enough. Don't want to OD because it's so much more riskier - more time for me to regret it, probably won't work, may end up with liver damage.. etc.. etc..
