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I’m a bi/pan teen in an anti-LGBT environment.

BlueKoala

Well-Known Member
#1
Hello everyone. Unfortunately, during the past year (and especially the last few months, my parents (especially my mom) have been making homophobic and transphobic comments. Some of them even border (and some don’t even border) on being racist. I’m feeling so much hurt and dread and pain in this place to the point of where I don’t even want to go downstairs to eat, just so I don’t have to interact with them. I thought that they were ignorant before, but just...I didn’t know that they were so...I don’t even know what word to use in this situation, to be honest. It’s been eating away at me, and I’ve been trying t avoid them as much as possible. It’s not like most of the time they are saying something hateful about a group of people, but because it increased tenfold than it used to makes me sick. I had a breakdown to my best friend today because I can barely handle it. I was also forced to tell my mom that I’m depressed, and she immediately started to blame me for being depressed and saying things like “what?! There’s no reason for you to be depressed!!1!1! It’s not like you have trauma!1!1” (which she wouldn’t even know if I did or not since I literally never tell my parents anything ever). This makes me want to run away. I’m trying to have as little contact with them as possible to the point of me skipping times when I’m hungry just to that I won’t have to encounter them again. I pretend that I’m just tired from school, but in reality, I’m just tired because of their attitudes towards others. It makes me scared, mad, and wears me out. They also both have anger issues which makes them start swearing and yelling with any minor inconvenience, and if I’m around, they start yelling at ME. Even though I literally do nothing wrong... I’m not even allowed to sigh because I’m their child, and that “clearly” means that I have to take all of this toxicity and not complain about it with a smile on my face (they didn’t say it like that since they don’t view themselves as toxic, but my father did say that I shouldn’t sigh when he’s literally swearing me out and yelling at me becasue he forced me to help him with his work (like fixing appliances and such), because I’m his child.)
I’m scared of what will happen to me. I’m not straight, nor am I Christian. My mother is pretty Christian and uses the religion to “justify” her homophobia no transphobia and she always compares the LGBT+ community to...well, to people who are genuinely horrible, alleys just say. It makes me want to run away so badly, I feel like I can’t even take it anymore.
Sorry, I just don’t really know what to do in this case. Some other context of my situation is: my parents want me to stay and live with them until I graduate college and get a full time job. That means at least 4 years of this nightmare, and I’d rather not do that.
So, my plan is to get a job and save up money, and then move out into an apartment against my parents wishes. Some of my concerns are, though, that I’m not sure when I could move out if I take up a part time job, I can’t drive, and if I’ll be able to afford to live by myself with only a part time job to uphold it all. My best friend said that maybe I’ll be able to live with her in the future, but she’s not sure. Do you have any advice what I can do in this situation, or maybe if my plan sounds good or not?
I’m just terrified and I feel trapped. It’s like a nightmare. I know hat others have it worse than me, but I still can’t help but feel so much fear and anger and dread....
Any and all advice is appreciated. I don’t mind compassion, either, because I’m in a a pretty bad place right now. Sorry for the long post.
 
#2
I'm glad you found the courage to write up your worries. It's definitely difficult to live in such an environment.

Did they ever get physically violent?

It seems your parents also have problems of their own and they chose you as their anger outlet. It's wrong, and it's not your job to help them. Also "being a parent" is not a free ticket to abuse. And "being a child" isn't one to submission.

I'd like to tell you that, even though they are your parents, you do not owe them anything. You don't owe them to cope with their bad behavior. But I know how hard it is to stand your ground and have a calm conversation with people prone to anger. It may also be dangerous if they could become violent.

It's great to make plans to get out of there. Maybe you could get in touch with an association in your vicinity that could help with providing maybe more expert advice?

I wish you the greatest outcome.
 

BlueKoala

Well-Known Member
#3
I'm glad you found the courage to write up your worries. It's definitely difficult to live in such an environment.

Did they ever get physically violent?

It seems your parents also have problems of their own and they chose you as their anger outlet. It's wrong, and it's not your job to help them. Also "being a parent" is not a free ticket to abuse. And "being a child" isn't one to submission.

I'd like to tell you that, even though they are your parents, you do not owe them anything. You don't owe them to cope with their bad behavior. But I know how hard it is to stand your ground and have a calm conversation with people prone to anger. It may also be dangerous if they could become violent.

It's great to make plans to get out of there. Maybe you could get in touch with an association in your vicinity that could help with providing maybe more expert advice?

I wish you the greatest outcome.
Thank you so much! They never got physically violent, but they did yell at me so much that I had been afraid that they would get physically violent before, unfortunately.
Thank you for the advice. I’ll look into that! Thank you!!
 

Walker

Admin
SF Social Media
SF Author
SF Supporter
#4
Hi
I'm sorry you're experiencing such difficulty with your parents. They do sound really hard to live with.
I get that they're saying they "want you" to live there for several more years but they don't control that - you do. That being said, you also have to have the means to get out of the house. That means getting a job, saving money, maybe learning to drive.
Going into a room share situation is perfectly reasonable. You might also be in a position where living with them is intolerable to the point of finding other accommodation. I think you'll find your area has a lot of shelters for young people. (I don't want to link anything here in order to prevent giving away where you live)
Your profile says you are 17 and you say that college is likely in your future. Nothing wrong with saying you don't want to live at home for that. You might need to say that you can sustain yourself for the costs of that housing, though, you know? Which again is back to having a job and such. But, heck, all college people are sharing a house together.

You aren't going to be living with these people forever. They don't share the attitudes of the entire world. Everyone doesn't think the same way they do. Plenty of people are there to accept you and even to be your family if they aren't.
 

Lux

free britney
Admin
SF Supporter
#5
I'm so sorry this is happening to you - the trauma is real and anyone who tells you otherwise is full of shite. If you feel it, it's valid.

Your plan sounds great to be honest and I did it. I got a job, saved for a few months to get something behind me, moved into a houseshare (rented so there was furniture ready and found a private landlord - no agency fees), and basically just worked, saved up, did my degree etc. My parents didn't agree with any of this, but now that I'm older and they can see I'm happy and (mildly) successful, they've actually started reaching out and trying to patch the relationship.

If you can find societies/groups in your area that are LGBT etc it might be a good idea, you'll find people who are either going through this or similar and get yourself a support network. The app called 'Spare Room' is pretty good. There are some listings by me that have like "LGBTQ friendly" on their bios, that might be the same for you too. You are of course more than accepted here and we're here for you <3

My best advice would be to try not to rush into any house share because you want to leave so badly, definitely take the time to go on visits etc.
 

BlueKoala

Well-Known Member
#6
Hi
I'm sorry you're experiencing such difficulty with your parents. They do sound really hard to live with.
I get that they're saying they "want you" to live there for several more years but they don't control that - you do. That being said, you also have to have the means to get out of the house. That means getting a job, saving money, maybe learning to drive.
Going into a room share situation is perfectly reasonable. You might also be in a position where living with them is intolerable to the point of finding other accommodation. I think you'll find your area has a lot of shelters for young people. (I don't want to link anything here in order to prevent giving away where you live)
Your profile says you are 17 and you say that college is likely in your future. Nothing wrong with saying you don't want to live at home for that. You might need to say that you can sustain yourself for the costs of that housing, though, you know? Which again is back to having a job and such. But, heck, all college people are sharing a house together.

You aren't going to be living with these people forever. They don't share the attitudes of the entire world. Everyone doesn't think the same way they do. Plenty of people are there to accept you and even to be your family if they aren't.
Thank you so much! Yeah, it’s really hard and exhausting having to deal with them constantly. I love them, but it feels like their love is conditional — like they’ll only love me as long as I’m like them (or similar at least).
I will be taking driving classes (I think it’ll be this summer). Either way, I know that I want to do that, and I already told them. I also started to save money, so hopefully I’ll be able to save up enough to move out in a year or maybe a year and a half. I’m thinking about working during my school week part time, I think I’ll earn enough. My dad has access to my debit card right now, so I’ll have to open up another one when I turn 18.
I might have to take up living on the college campus. I’m kind of nervous about where I’ll go after college since I’m not sure if I can afford an apartment with a part time job, but if it’s cheap enough, I hope I’ll manage. Either way, I have a kind friend who I know will let me love with her by that point (after college) if I won’t be able to afford an apartment, because by the time I graduate college she will have a place to stay (most likely). If she doesn’t, then I’ll figure something out (maybe a shelter, like you suggested).
Thank you so much for your advice! I’m happy that there are really kind people on here. This community on this site had helped me so so much!
 

BlueKoala

Well-Known Member
#7
I'm so sorry this is happening to you - the trauma is real and anyone who tells you otherwise is full of shite. If you feel it, it's valid.

Your plan sounds great to be honest and I did it. I got a job, saved for a few months to get something behind me, moved into a houseshare (rented so there was furniture ready and found a private landlord - no agency fees), and basically just worked, saved up, did my degree etc. My parents didn't agree with any of this, but now that I'm older and they can see I'm happy and (mildly) successful, they've actually started reaching out and trying to patch the relationship.

If you can find societies/groups in your area that are LGBT etc it might be a good idea, you'll find people who are either going through this or similar and get yourself a support network. The app called 'Spare Room' is pretty good. There are some listings by me that have like "LGBTQ friendly" on their bios, that might be the same for you too. You are of course more than accepted here and we're here for you <3

My best advice would be to try not to rush into any house share because you want to leave so badly, definitely take the time to go on visits etc.
Thank you for your advice! Tim so sorry that this happened to you. It’s unfortunate that people have to go through these kinds of things at all. And thank you for telling me about the LGBT+ groups around me. When I move out, I’ll for sure join them if there are any around me. I know my parents will be mad at me for doing this, but they’re so toxic that it’s hard for me to stay here for much longer. They don’t even see how they’re toxic, either. They genuinely believe that they aren’t and when I try to tell them that “hey, the fact that you yelled at me for no reason hurt me” they just tell me “oh sorry I’ll try to not do that again”, yet they continue doing it over and over and over again. Although, the yelling is the smallest problem in my situation compared to other things they say/do.
Thank you so much for your advice! The fact that you went through what I’m going through is really sad, but I’m happy that you replied to my post. It makes me feel like I’m not alone and that other people who went through the same thing are there to support me!
 

Lux

free britney
Admin
SF Supporter
#8
Thank you for your advice! Tim so sorry that this happened to you. It’s unfortunate that people have to go through these kinds of things at all. And thank you for telling me about the LGBT+ groups around me. When I move out, I’ll for sure join them if there are any around me. I know my parents will be mad at me for doing this, but they’re so toxic that it’s hard for me to stay here for much longer. They don’t even see how they’re toxic, either. They genuinely believe that they aren’t and when I try to tell them that “hey, the fact that you yelled at me for no reason hurt me” they just tell me “oh sorry I’ll try to not do that again”, yet they continue doing it over and over and over again. Although, the yelling is the smallest problem in my situation compared to other things they say/do.
Thank you so much for your advice! The fact that you went through what I’m going through is really sad, but I’m happy that you replied to my post. It makes me feel like I’m not alone and that other people who went through the same thing are there to support me!
Mine was more related to profession choices and stuff, but I know it jarred them when I got together with my best friend who is also a woman :D

I think the best thing someone told me related to people growing up was that the people we grow up with (family, friends in school, neighbours) are all just consequences of a situation. Sometimes it can work out amazingly and your family can be your best friends and you can grow up loving the people in your school and stay friends for life etc, but sometimes, and actually more often than is talked about, you don't like them, or you like them, just not enough to gel long term. They're just people we were stuck with and at some point we're going to go out and explore a bunch of communities and societies and find our own people.

It helped me loads anyway so I hope it brings you some comfort too!
 

MisterBGone

'Awesome!'
SF Supporter
#9
Thank you so much! Yeah, it’s really hard and exhausting having to deal with them constantly. I love them, but it feels like their love is conditional — like they’ll only love me as long as I’m like them (or similar at least).
I will be taking driving classes (I think it’ll be this summer). Either way, I know that I want to do that, and I already told them. I also started to save money, so hopefully I’ll be able to save up enough to move out in a year or maybe a year and a half. I’m thinking about working during my school week part time, I think I’ll earn enough. My dad has access to my debit card right now, so I’ll have to open up another one when I turn 18.
I might have to take up living on the college campus. I’m kind of nervous about where I’ll go after college since I’m not sure if I can afford an apartment with a part time job, but if it’s cheap enough, I hope I’ll manage. Either way, I have a kind friend who I know will let me love with her by that point (after college) if I won’t be able to afford an apartment, because by the time I graduate college she will have a place to stay (most likely). If she doesn’t, then I’ll figure something out (maybe a shelter, like you suggested).
Thank you so much for your advice! I’m happy that there are really kind people on here. This community on this site had helped me so so much!
Hello, this sounds like quite the epic disastrous nightmare to have to deal with and endure, on the daily! And that is putting it mildly... : ) But, You've already gotten so much excellent advice. And the only thing that I can pass along, or share, is that it is okay to be "You." that is to say - "Who,' You Are. Period... it doesn't have to fit into anybody else's expectations, or society's or whatever else you can think of, to try & get you to conform or fit into some nice & neat little box! I'm sorry your Parent's don't see things that /or this way. And I think you've hit the nail on the head. It is the religion that is, I don't want to say "brainwashing," them. But you've got a pretty good handle on what I mean, just in terms of their reasoning and justifying their beliefs. I always wonder -- what would happen if religious historians, or the Vatican, who(m)ever~ came out & said, "Hey? Wait! We found some new info. And that puts all of these other interpretations to light, or shows how we've been misconstruing their meanings, and their intent!" Now what? You suddenly just going to, DROP. ALL, That. . . "H-A-T-E.?!" See, it's easy when you've got a reason because it gives you great comfort that you haven't done anything wrong in your thinking. So, you are "right," in a sense. And ignorance is bliss~ ; ) there was a great speech by film maker Steven Spielberg, from some graduation ceremony/commencement address, at Harvard, or Yale - someplace like that - in the past couple of years. And I've posted it here somewhere before (though I have no idea where, now?) :) But he basically summarized, that all forms of 'Hate,' sort of fall under the same umbrella (regardless of what it is, and he went on to name a few). So, they were all coming from the same place. And drinking the same poison, so-to-speak. Now, back to the school thing. It has been a while since I've gone (to college, here in "The States"). But from what I can recall, you can get much of your housing covered in the form of loans, if you are not able to otherwise by other means. So, that you don't have to pay for too much of that out of pocket. Very often, at a 4 year school, the freshman will live in dorms for the first year. And then either go into on-campus apt's or suites, or move off-campus into more housing of their choosing. The avg. here I would say is like 4 people to a house. Whereas with the dorms, it's just one other person. Obviously in the summer's you can work more, and therefore it's easier to make /& pay the 'rent,' Also, schools have, oh gosh~ I'm blanking on the name of it, but basically where you go and work in the library and get paid to do that, work in the dining hall, something somewhere on campus as or for your "job." That can be a great asset and an alternative as well. And obviously, as long as you're not renting solo - meaning a one bedroom apt where you're obviously wanting to live alone, or by your self. It shouldn't get too costly. You'll encounter many of the things that all college student encounter when it comes to living with other people. But that's what everybody does. Differences in living habits, basically. But so long as their not being prejudiced against you; then I'd assume all else will be fine. And part of the learning experience of going off to college. Learning about other human beings. And how they behave, in this environment. I'd suspect, or imagine, that no matter what -- it will be a billion times better than what you've got now. Which sounds almost, or borderline untenable, or intolerable. I hate to be sounding overly melodramatic or anything, but I'm just trying to put my self in your shoes. And anyway, don't give up hope. Because that's all you've got. And from what I can see and what I can tell. You've got an abundance of it, or got it in boatloads~ : ) Sky's truly the limit with you! Just have got to try & hang in there, and navigate your way through this period of 'rough waters,' with your folks. Keep speaking to us, and much as you want or need to. If you feel it helps. We're happy to chime in with our experiences, and share our ideas with you. If we can! Have a great day @BlueKoala - mrb.
 

BlueKoala

Well-Known Member
#10
Mine was more related to profession choices and stuff, but I know it jarred them when I got together with my best friend who is also a woman :D

I think the best thing someone told me related to people growing up was that the people we grow up with (family, friends in school, neighbours) are all just consequences of a situation. Sometimes it can work out amazingly and your family can be your best friends and you can grow up loving the people in your school and stay friends for life etc, but sometimes, and actually more often than is talked about, you don't like them, or you like them, just not enough to gel long term. They're just people we were stuck with and at some point we're going to go out and explore a bunch of communities and societies and find our own people.

It helped me loads anyway so I hope it brings you some comfort too!
Yeah, I guess it’s more of how my parents were raised. My grandparents as parents weren’t the kindest (to put it nicely), and even though I love them a lot, I can’t lie about that. I think that the people they grew up around are also the reason, since the place they grew up in had kind of mean spirited people who didn’t really care about people different from them, and even made fun of them for it (LGBT+, non-Christians, etc.). I think that the reason I’m different is that I grew up in a much kinder, more accepting place, and my friends are really accepting, too.
I don’t really want to blame them 100% for this, because I know they are just afraid of the people/groups that they don’t “understand”. I think they’re just ignorant for the most part, but even then, ignorance could be really harmful to people. I try to educate them on theses things, but they are really persistent on their point of view and think that I’m “brainwashed by the left” just because I’m an accepting person, and they say that I’m “too tolerant” and that if I continue “being like this” then society’s “normal” will be erased...or something. By this point, I’m tired of arguing with them and I just stay quiet when they say hateful and untrue things (but I do roll my eyes each time I do hear them say stuff like that).
I’m happy that there are supportive, kind people, though! Unfortunately it’s not my family, which makes me sad, but I can’t keep living with such hateful people in my life — be it family or not.
 

BlueKoala

Well-Known Member
#11
Hello, this sounds like quite the epic disastrous nightmare to have to deal with and endure, on the daily! And that is putting it mildly... : ) But, You've already gotten so much excellent advice. And the only thing that I can pass along, or share, is that it is okay to be "You." that is to say - "Who,' You Are. Period... it doesn't have to fit into anybody else's expectations, or society's or whatever else you can think of, to try & get you to conform or fit into some nice & neat little box! I'm sorry your Parent's don't see things that /or this way. And I think you've hit the nail on the head. It is the religion that is, I don't want to say "brainwashing," them. But you've got a pretty good handle on what I mean, just in terms of their reasoning and justifying their beliefs. I always wonder -- what would happen if religious historians, or the Vatican, who(m)ever~ came out & said, "Hey? Wait! We found some new info. And that puts all of these other interpretations to light, or shows how we've been misconstruing their meanings, and their intent!" Now what? You suddenly just going to, DROP. ALL, That. . . "H-A-T-E.?!" See, it's easy when you've got a reason because it gives you great comfort that you haven't done anything wrong in your thinking. So, you are "right," in a sense. And ignorance is bliss~ ; ) there was a great speech by film maker Steven Spielberg, from some graduation ceremony/commencement address, at Harvard, or Yale - someplace like that - in the past couple of years. And I've posted it here somewhere before (though I have no idea where, now?) :) But he basically summarized, that all forms of 'Hate,' sort of fall under the same umbrella (regardless of what it is, and he went on to name a few). So, they were all coming from the same place. And drinking the same poison, so-to-speak. Now, back to the school thing. It has been a while since I've gone (to college, here in "The States"). But from what I can recall, you can get much of your housing covered in the form of loans, if you are not able to otherwise by other means. So, that you don't have to pay for too much of that out of pocket. Very often, at a 4 year school, the freshman will live in dorms for the first year. And then either go into on-campus apt's or suites, or move off-campus into more housing of their choosing. The avg. here I would say is like 4 people to a house. Whereas with the dorms, it's just one other person. Obviously in the summer's you can work more, and therefore it's easier to make /& pay the 'rent,' Also, schools have, oh gosh~ I'm blanking on the name of it, but basically where you go and work in the library and get paid to do that, work in the dining hall, something somewhere on campus as or for your "job." That can be a great asset and an alternative as well. And obviously, as long as you're not renting solo - meaning a one bedroom apt where you're obviously wanting to live alone, or by your self. It shouldn't get too costly. You'll encounter many of the things that all college student encounter when it comes to living with other people. But that's what everybody does. Differences in living habits, basically. But so long as their not being prejudiced against you; then I'd assume all else will be fine. And part of the learning experience of going off to college. Learning about other human beings. And how they behave, in this environment. I'd suspect, or imagine, that no matter what -- it will be a billion times better than what you've got now. Which sounds almost, or borderline untenable, or intolerable. I hate to be sounding overly melodramatic or anything, but I'm just trying to put my self in your shoes. And anyway, don't give up hope. Because that's all you've got. And from what I can see and what I can tell. You've got an abundance of it, or got it in boatloads~ : ) Sky's truly the limit with you! Just have got to try & hang in there, and navigate your way through this period of 'rough waters,' with your folks. Keep speaking to us, and much as you want or need to. If you feel it helps. We're happy to chime in with our experiences, and share our ideas with you. If we can! Have a great day @BlueKoala - mrb.
Thank you so much! Yeah, the main reasons for their hate is religion. My dad is more of an agnostic, though, but he still uses religion as part of his responding (but he also uses the “it’s not natural” excuse which...is just entirely wrong, to be perfectly honest.) I agree that they’re “brainwashed” in a sense — I’d be fine and not care about their religion, if only it didn’t hurt me and other people. Because when religion becomes oppressive and makes people fear for their lives/well being is when I think it’s dangerous. Yeah, haha, I feel like if people suddenly realized how using religion to hate others don’t a good/right thing to do, they still are going to try to justify it (although, maybe some people would just stop hating others, but I feel like that’s not the case).
Thank you for the advice! I’m planing to go to a college that has housing/a campus because well...I mean, it’s one of the only available options for me. But that’s okay! Honestly, any place is better than my household, really.
Also, thank you for telling me about the speech! I’ll try to find it online, I’m interested to hear it.
Thank you for your kind words. I’m a person who tried to stay optimistic no matter the situation, and even though I’m scared, I’m hopeful that things will turn out well for me! After all, if I just sulk and say things like “no, this won’t work!” then it won’t help me, but a positive attitude will keep me going and be able to go through this! : )
This site’s community is so kind and supportive, I’m really happy that I found it. I finally feel like I have people who are supporting me, no matter who I am. Thank you so much!!
 
#12
Sorry that you're going through this.

If you are in the US or Canada, you could try calling the National Child Abuse Hotline. What they can do for you may be limited, but they may have some advice or be able to direct you to some other resources.
--------------
National Child Abuse Hotline

www.childhelp.org is the webiste of the National Child Abuse Hotline. Their phone number is 1-800-4-ACHILD. Serving the U.S. and Canada, the hotline is staffed 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with professional crisis counselors who—through interpreters—provide assistance in over 170 languages.
---------------
Is there are relative that you trust that you'd be able to live with instead of your parents?

It sounds like you've already given up arguing with your parents, but it's probably better not to try to debate with them.

Working may be a good option just to get away from home, but there's some risk that your dad will seize any money that you earn. You might be able to go to summer school or use other options to earn school credit that would allow you to graduate and go to college early, or at least apply the credit to a B.A.

Is there a college guidance counselor at your school who would be LGBT sympathetic?

It sounds like you'd want to go to a school that's LGBT friendly, affordable, and will lead to work. I think getting an internship can help you transition to work immediately after school.

Going to summer school while you're in college could help you graduate early and also stay away from home.
 

MisterBGone

'Awesome!'
SF Supporter
#13
Thank you so much! Yeah, the main reasons for their hate is religion. My dad is more of an agnostic, though, but he still uses religion as part of his responding (but he also uses the “it’s not natural” excuse which...is just entirely wrong, to be perfectly honest.) I agree that they’re “brainwashed” in a sense — I’d be fine and not care about their religion, if only it didn’t hurt me and other people. Because when religion becomes oppressive and makes people fear for their lives/well being is when I think it’s dangerous. Yeah, haha, I feel like if people suddenly realized how using religion to hate others don’t a good/right thing to do, they still are going to try to justify it (although, maybe some people would just stop hating others, but I feel like that’s not the case).
Thank you for the advice! I’m planing to go to a college that has housing/a campus because well...I mean, it’s one of the only available options for me. But that’s okay! Honestly, any place is better than my household, really.
Also, thank you for telling me about the speech! I’ll try to find it online, I’m interested to hear it.
Thank you for your kind words. I’m a person who tried to stay optimistic no matter the situation, and even though I’m scared, I’m hopeful that things will turn out well for me! After all, if I just sulk and say things like “no, this won’t work!” then it won’t help me, but a positive attitude will keep me going and be able to go through this! : )
This site’s community is so kind and supportive, I’m really happy that I found it. I finally feel like I have people who are supporting me, no matter who I am. Thank you so much!!
Thank you for your kind words, and compliments! And I am blown-away by your sophistication, and intelligence--that being, your ability to see these things for what they are, and also to have a very right, and/or good - "proper" perspective~ . So, 'Bravo!' (to You...) :^) I agree on the optimism, and optimistic view, by the way. Especially when in such a compromising situation such as Yours! :^)

Now, a funny thing happened to me last June. And maybe you can relate. Though it pales in comparison, obviously, it may draw or you may see some parallels, here. This was not long after the things began to explode throughout our nation, with the events in the news. But I was visiting with my back specialist, who I'd seen for about the last 5 years or so. Family man. 50. Two kids (h. s. & college). As impressive & exemplary an example of a human being, and a family I think our city or town, could hold up and boast (about) to others - that, "Yes! This is what Families (can) look like, that come from here."

Now, I don't recall exactly how the conversation began, but it very quickly pivoted, and transitioned into the topics dominating the news & it's landscape. And suddenly, out of no where; he launches into a 5? 10? 15 minute tirade (though completely calm & composed, passioned & passionate; beneath the blood boiling surface and ever enraging and reddening face) on how much he dislike/despises "black people." And then he sounded like a Lawyer, who was in the court of Law, and having to defend his position and prove to the Judge & Jury (& everyone else who may be watching) - that he, was in fact "RIGHT!" (or, 'correct~.') You see he was very easily able to transition from his points with the smooth fluidity and precision of someone who has thought them through a great deal, and in depth. He went so far as to cite examples from his kids' lives, and how they, being white, and in this country, have had it so much worse. He even included references from books he was studying with like thinking minds, I hesitate to say by Scholars, but certainly by writers or authors of whom, or which, he found great substance & value.

Anyway. . . I left there quite disturbed, wondering how my read on him could have been so wrong (for never in a million years would I have guessed that he felt this way--)! But, then I thought about it some more. And it began or had begun, to "make sense." If you follow me, he began his practice in about 1990. His Father (also a 'Back Specialist!') had retired right at, or around the same time. He most likely had this (feeling/belief/whatever you want to call it...) "passed on down to Him." (from his Dad). And so he was raised this way, and it was, in essence, growing up where he did (predominantly, 'white.') . . . somewhat therefore or 'instilled,' in his DNA. Now others managed to avoid this same Fate is another discussion. But maybe it's best to state, or surmise, that this is precisely how it "COULD" happen- I'm just hoping his kids fall a little farther from that/their tree, than did he (as far as "apples," go~). His Dad's, of course! Anyway, I was then pretty easily able to recognize it... : )

Here we go, I think this is it!
; ) _harvard spielberg
 

MisterBGone

'Awesome!'
SF Supporter
#14
Oh, I forgot to mention, and you may already know this. . . but I think that the work I was talking about before with your college/school, was determined by, or as a part of your Financial Aid. And so you were/or are awarded a certain set number of hours you can work per week, or whatever it is. And I remember when I was giving campus tours, our main guy there in charge of the dept. Would always come up to me and say, "Hey! Just let me know if you get close to maxing out on your hours -- because I will find a way to work around it/or them, & then get you to be able to work some more hours/give some more tours~" ;) I usually never took him up on that offer. But I think he liked how I would drop what ever I was doing, drop-of-a-hat (studying for a chem test? no, that can wait!) and come rescue him from giving a tour, to a drop-in, or something, and then be ready/willing & able to do it/or so, my self~.:D
 

MisterBGone

'Awesome!'
SF Supporter
#15
Two quick "edits," in the post above Steve's Speech: Now (How) others managed to escape this same Fate... ya de / ya di / ya dah~
&, last word of that paragraph, was (Reconcile) & not, recognize! : )
 

BlueKoala

Well-Known Member
#16
Sorry that you're going through this.

If you are in the US or Canada, you could try calling the National Child Abuse Hotline. What they can do for you may be limited, but they may have some advice or be able to direct you to some other resources.
--------------
National Child Abuse Hotline

www.childhelp.org is the webiste of the National Child Abuse Hotline. Their phone number is 1-800-4-ACHILD. Serving the U.S. and Canada, the hotline is staffed 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with professional crisis counselors who—through interpreters—provide assistance in over 170 languages.
---------------
Is there are relative that you trust that you'd be able to live with instead of your parents?

It sounds like you've already given up arguing with your parents, but it's probably better not to try to debate with them.

Working may be a good option just to get away from home, but there's some risk that your dad will seize any money that you earn. You might be able to go to summer school or use other options to earn school credit that would allow you to graduate and go to college early, or at least apply the credit to a B.A.

Is there a college guidance counselor at your school who would be LGBT sympathetic?

It sounds like you'd want to go to a school that's LGBT friendly, affordable, and will lead to work. I think getting an internship can help you transition to work immediately after school.

Going to summer school while you're in college could help you graduate early and also stay away from home.
Thank you for your reply. I’m not entirely sure if my parents are abusive or not, and I know that that statement may sound silly. I’m just genuinely not sure, but I know that they aren’t really good people. Thank you for the hotline, though!
Unfortunately, all of my other family members are in an entire different country from me, and that country is really anti-LGBT, too. Although I think my aunt is supportive, but I’m not sure. (Even then, she’s not in my country, either).
I’m actually worrried about my dad seizing my money. That’s why I think I should open up a card for myself, which he doesn’t have access to. I’m not sure how to do that, though, so I’ll have to do some research!
I’m also not sure if my guidance counselor in school is LGBT+ friendly. She is kind and understanding, but I’m not sure if she’s supportive.
Also, a summer school sounds nice! I can get away from home even more, then, and graduate early. Thank you for the advice!
 

BlueKoala

Well-Known Member
#17
Thank you for your kind words, and compliments! And I am blown-away by your sophistication, and intelligence--that being, your ability to see these things for what they are, and also to have a very right, and/or good - "proper" perspective~ . So, 'Bravo!' (to You...) :^) I agree on the optimism, and optimistic view, by the way. Especially when in such a compromising situation such as Yours! :^)

Now, a funny thing happened to me last June. And maybe you can relate. Though it pales in comparison, obviously, it may draw or you may see some parallels, here. This was not long after the things began to explode throughout our nation, with the events in the news. But I was visiting with my back specialist, who I'd seen for about the last 5 years or so. Family man. 50. Two kids (h. s. & college). As impressive & exemplary an example of a human being, and a family I think our city or town, could hold up and boast (about) to others - that, "Yes! This is what Families (can) look like, that come from here."

Now, I don't recall exactly how the conversation began, but it very quickly pivoted, and transitioned into the topics dominating the news & it's landscape. And suddenly, out of no where; he launches into a 5? 10? 15 minute tirade (though completely calm & composed, passioned & passionate; beneath the blood boiling surface and ever enraging and reddening face) on how much he dislike/despises "black people." And then he sounded like a Lawyer, who was in the court of Law, and having to defend his position and prove to the Judge & Jury (& everyone else who may be watching) - that he, was in fact "RIGHT!" (or, 'correct~.') You see he was very easily able to transition from his points with the smooth fluidity and precision of someone who has thought them through a great deal, and in depth. He went so far as to cite examples from his kids' lives, and how they, being white, and in this country, have had it so much worse. He even included references from books he was studying with like thinking minds, I hesitate to say by Scholars, but certainly by writers or authors of whom, or which, he found great substance & value.

Anyway. . . I left there quite disturbed, wondering how my read on him could have been so wrong (for never in a million years would I have guessed that he felt this way--)! But, then I thought about it some more. And it began or had begun, to "make sense." If you follow me, he began his practice in about 1990. His Father (also a 'Back Specialist!') had retired right at, or around the same time. He most likely had this (feeling/belief/whatever you want to call it...) "passed on down to Him." (from his Dad). And so he was raised this way, and it was, in essence, growing up where he did (predominantly, 'white.') . . . somewhat therefore or 'instilled,' in his DNA. Now others managed to avoid this same Fate is another discussion. But maybe it's best to state, or surmise, that this is precisely how it "COULD" happen- I'm just hoping his kids fall a little farther from that/their tree, than did he (as far as "apples," go~). His Dad's, of course! Anyway, I was then pretty easily able to recognize it... : )

Here we go, I think this is it!
; ) _harvard spielberg
Thank you! It was really hard for me to see my parents from an unbiased point of view for a long time, because I was in denial of how they were really like. I’m happy that I was able to see what kind of people they really are.

It’s unfortunate that people still think like this about others (be it race, gender, etc.), but when you think about it, it’s just the same thoughts being engrained in them as their ancestors had. In fact, to tell you the truth, when I was a child (up until I was 12-ish years old), I had the same beliefs as my parents. Now that I’m older, I can accept the fact that I’ve had the same horrible ideals as them, and I can move on past them because I know that I was taught the wrong things as a child. Most of it in my case was ignorance — I was afraid of what I didn’t “understand”. As I grew up, however, I started to realize how wrong I was and then I changed, and now I’m an extremely supportive and accepting person! Character growth, you could say, haha. It’s sad that my family didn’t have much progress in that sense, too. It’s probably because their community wasn’t accepting of others different from them, and by the time they moved to a more accepting place, their ideals were already engraved into them.
And thank you for sharing the speech! I’ll be sure to listen to it later today!! Thank you for sharing your college work story! :)
 

MisterBGone

'Awesome!'
SF Supporter
#18
The nice thing about summer school, is that you can have a more concentrated level of focus, or attention, paid to your study/ies (depending on how many classes, or credits, you take). And if they are "accelerated," (in their pace / from the normal semester schedule, or length). That can be both beneficial and used to your advantage, should you use it wisely. I first started and got through about 90% of one major, before last minute switching to another. I then crammed like two years or so, into one and the two bookend summers (terms). Or something like that - I think. . . I found that, if you can handle the intensity, and the concept of being in a classroom in the summertime, it is enlightening/exhilarating, etc. So, instead of taking 5 classes, for example, or for instance, maybe you only take two or three. Heck, sometimes people will only take 1!

But, also financial aid can come into play, as well.

So, depending on some other considerations, it can be a brighter idea than you think.

Though this was never the case for me, I know that others like to take classes that they didn't care for, or tended to avoid during the regular semester / year, because maybe some of the fat got trimmed off the class in the condensed summer curriculum thing; or if not, then it was over sooner (& for the better, for them!) ha ha ; ) Also, usually the class sizes can be on average just a little bit smaller, and the teachers may also have more time to spend on or with you (to help you, if you don't understand something).

Plus, the campus is much less flooded, and more laid back. Downside would be, if you get fried out for not having that time off or needing to take that summer break. In my case, it was a matter of being a huge time saver, and saving me I think something like at least another calender school year, with all the pre-req's & everything. : ) Good luck, no matter what you decide!
 
Last edited:
#19
Thank you for your reply
You're welcome!
I’m not entirely sure if my parents are abusive or not, and I know that that statement may sound silly. I’m just genuinely not sure, but I know that they aren’t really good people. Thank you for the hotline, though!
You may not have to cross a bright-line standard for abuse in order to get help from them. They may be able to give you some help regardless. If it turns out they can't help, it's a free call anyway.
I’m also not sure if my guidance counselor in school is LGBT+ friendly. She is kind and understanding, but I’m not sure if she’s supportive
You may be able to ask some questions to figure out if she would be supportive, or at the very least if what you say to her is confidential.

Maybe you could say something to her like, "Is there anything that I could say to you that you would not keep confidential, and if so, under what circumstances would you break confidentiality, and in what way?".

Another way to put it might be, "What things could I say to you that would clearly be kept confidential?"

If she'll maintain confidentiality, and she's generally nice, it's probably ok to come out to her.
Thank you for the advice!
You're welcome!
 

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