TW: abuse(? I’m not sure if it is or not, but I stil l want to put a trigger warning just in case)
Also, this is a really long post.
Hello everyone. I know I’ve made a few posts here about my situation, but I just...it’s so hard to live in my house. It’s so so hard, and the fact that my parents don’t want to leave me alone makes me sick.
I used to be a really affectionate person with my parents, but I can’t help but just...not be a belt to even give them a quick hug anymore. I just feel annoyed and dreadful. They make me feel so so horrible, and they don’t even know it. They do know that they have anger issues, but at the same time, it feels like they don’t understand how much their extremely frequent outbursts affect me...I’m sure if I brought this up to them, they’d just get angry and say “well, you have outbursts, too! We have to deal with them!” and just...ugh. They don’t understand me, but they have this cocky attitude like they do. Like they understand me completely and can see through me, yet that’s extremely far from the case. It’s so exhausting being here, and on top of that, I can’t tell them what I truly feel like. I mean, they hold power over me — it’s not like I can really do anything. They can just easily take away the things that make me happy.
For years, I couldn’t put my feelings into words. Or maybe, I was just in denial — I just wanted to desperately hope that they were good people, because all of the good things they’ve done for me, because all of the kind words they have spoken. They had bought me many toys, they have bought me clothes, even when we didn’t have much money. They have shown me compassion when I cried over trivial things, and they calmed me down. They say that they value me as a person instead of an accessory.
However, I came to realize this isn’t try a few months ago.
Maybe it’s because I’ve spent so much of my newly acquired free time thinking about what they’ve been doing/saying, or maybe it’s because I’ve been experiencing their behavior fill force since I was always at home with them for a full year, but I finally opened my eyes to the situation.
They don’t love me. At least, it definitely is conditional.
They want me to have biological children, marry a man, and to be Christian all of my life.
That’s not what I want to do at ALL.
They told me how if I never have a child, then their lives mean nothing, disregarding my own feelings. They threatened to disown me/put me up for adoption when I had bad grades in middle school. They screamed at me every single day, and they clearly disregarded their own daughter’s extremely unwell mental state. I know that’s a FACT — my own mother told me how she knew I was feeling extremely unwell during middle school, she could tell. She could tell, but she did absolutely nothing. She never ask me about it, she never had a serious conversation with me about it, and instead blamed me and my “laziness”.
She even does that now, both of my parents do. Even though I’m STILL depressed, and on top of that, I have a damn neurological disorder, and then KNOW it. I’ve told them that I literally can not function like they do, but they still keep calling me lazy and I feel like trash because of that. Those words being hammered into me for years made me think I’m actually lazy, when I’m reality, I try my best each day. They just see the results, but can’t see my suffering, they can’t see me crying over this.
Then they are suddenly surprised when I value grades over my own mental health, when they have literally valued my grades over my own mental health for years. It makes me extremely angry.
On top of all of that, when I told my own mother that I’m depressed, she said “why? You don’t have trauma. You shouldn’t be depressed”. In reality, she wouldn’t even know whether I have trauma or not, because I literally never tell her anything, because she ALWAYS over reacts to the problems I have. When I told her about how I was depressed and asked her why she didn’t say anything, she blamed me. She said “well, you should’ve told us. You didn’t, and because of that, you were stuck.”
Now that I’m much, much more distant with them and don’t really hug them, they get annoyed with ME because I won’t let them touch me (I literally pull away when they try to kiss me or hug me. They literally HOLD ME in place when I try to get away). Like, I told them “why won’t you respect the fact that I don’t want you to touch me?” And they just get all moody and say “ohhh now our own daughter hates us, I guess” and I just CAN’T anymore, I feel like they don’t care about me at all. They only care about me as long as I’m perfect. I don’t have to be perfect to a tee, but I’m still “supposed to” fit into a box of standards that they have already set for me since birth.
They also are homophobic and transphobic, comparing gay people to horrible groups of people. The fact that I’m Bi and I’m hearing all of this from my own parents hurts a lot. I honestly just tune it down with an eye roll by this point.
Thankfully, I have a friend who I can vent to and who supports me. But I feel like if I tell anyone else in real life, then I’m suddenly in danger because they could probably blurt out something around my parents. I’m also not sure if I can entirely trust them — if we have a fallout in the future, how can I be sure that they won’t tell anything to my parents to “get back” at me?
Sigh. I’m sorry for the extremely long post, I just had to vent my feelings out.
Also, this is a really long post.
Hello everyone. I know I’ve made a few posts here about my situation, but I just...it’s so hard to live in my house. It’s so so hard, and the fact that my parents don’t want to leave me alone makes me sick.
I used to be a really affectionate person with my parents, but I can’t help but just...not be a belt to even give them a quick hug anymore. I just feel annoyed and dreadful. They make me feel so so horrible, and they don’t even know it. They do know that they have anger issues, but at the same time, it feels like they don’t understand how much their extremely frequent outbursts affect me...I’m sure if I brought this up to them, they’d just get angry and say “well, you have outbursts, too! We have to deal with them!” and just...ugh. They don’t understand me, but they have this cocky attitude like they do. Like they understand me completely and can see through me, yet that’s extremely far from the case. It’s so exhausting being here, and on top of that, I can’t tell them what I truly feel like. I mean, they hold power over me — it’s not like I can really do anything. They can just easily take away the things that make me happy.
For years, I couldn’t put my feelings into words. Or maybe, I was just in denial — I just wanted to desperately hope that they were good people, because all of the good things they’ve done for me, because all of the kind words they have spoken. They had bought me many toys, they have bought me clothes, even when we didn’t have much money. They have shown me compassion when I cried over trivial things, and they calmed me down. They say that they value me as a person instead of an accessory.
However, I came to realize this isn’t try a few months ago.
Maybe it’s because I’ve spent so much of my newly acquired free time thinking about what they’ve been doing/saying, or maybe it’s because I’ve been experiencing their behavior fill force since I was always at home with them for a full year, but I finally opened my eyes to the situation.
They don’t love me. At least, it definitely is conditional.
They want me to have biological children, marry a man, and to be Christian all of my life.
That’s not what I want to do at ALL.
They told me how if I never have a child, then their lives mean nothing, disregarding my own feelings. They threatened to disown me/put me up for adoption when I had bad grades in middle school. They screamed at me every single day, and they clearly disregarded their own daughter’s extremely unwell mental state. I know that’s a FACT — my own mother told me how she knew I was feeling extremely unwell during middle school, she could tell. She could tell, but she did absolutely nothing. She never ask me about it, she never had a serious conversation with me about it, and instead blamed me and my “laziness”.
She even does that now, both of my parents do. Even though I’m STILL depressed, and on top of that, I have a damn neurological disorder, and then KNOW it. I’ve told them that I literally can not function like they do, but they still keep calling me lazy and I feel like trash because of that. Those words being hammered into me for years made me think I’m actually lazy, when I’m reality, I try my best each day. They just see the results, but can’t see my suffering, they can’t see me crying over this.
Then they are suddenly surprised when I value grades over my own mental health, when they have literally valued my grades over my own mental health for years. It makes me extremely angry.
On top of all of that, when I told my own mother that I’m depressed, she said “why? You don’t have trauma. You shouldn’t be depressed”. In reality, she wouldn’t even know whether I have trauma or not, because I literally never tell her anything, because she ALWAYS over reacts to the problems I have. When I told her about how I was depressed and asked her why she didn’t say anything, she blamed me. She said “well, you should’ve told us. You didn’t, and because of that, you were stuck.”
Now that I’m much, much more distant with them and don’t really hug them, they get annoyed with ME because I won’t let them touch me (I literally pull away when they try to kiss me or hug me. They literally HOLD ME in place when I try to get away). Like, I told them “why won’t you respect the fact that I don’t want you to touch me?” And they just get all moody and say “ohhh now our own daughter hates us, I guess” and I just CAN’T anymore, I feel like they don’t care about me at all. They only care about me as long as I’m perfect. I don’t have to be perfect to a tee, but I’m still “supposed to” fit into a box of standards that they have already set for me since birth.
They also are homophobic and transphobic, comparing gay people to horrible groups of people. The fact that I’m Bi and I’m hearing all of this from my own parents hurts a lot. I honestly just tune it down with an eye roll by this point.
Thankfully, I have a friend who I can vent to and who supports me. But I feel like if I tell anyone else in real life, then I’m suddenly in danger because they could probably blurt out something around my parents. I’m also not sure if I can entirely trust them — if we have a fallout in the future, how can I be sure that they won’t tell anything to my parents to “get back” at me?
Sigh. I’m sorry for the extremely long post, I just had to vent my feelings out.
