I don’t know how to talk to my dad about the abuse he put me through

[BlueKoala]

Hello, everyone. For the past few months, I have come to realize that I have been abused for basically all of my life by my parents, and that I’ve been blaming myself for it.
TW — Abuse

So, I don’t know how to approach the subject. I know that I NEED to be talk to him, because this has been causing me to have mental break downs on the (almost) daily, and it’s been interfering with my learning/grades.
Although, at the same time, I don’t even know how to approach the subject. I’ve already talked to my mom about it, and how she her actions and words throughout my life have caused me a LOT of pain, and she was very apologetic. However, she doesn’t understand why I’m somewhat “moody” around my dad, even after talking to her. She keeps saying “he loves you!! Don’t talk to him like that please!!” And honestly, I want to cry everytime she says it. It just feels like I’m a responsibility — a burden for him, not like he actually loves me. Yeah, he gives me advice, he hugs me, he kisses me, and gets me things, and makes me food. But, at the same time, he has physically abused me everyday throughout middle school for my bad grades because of my depression (although, he didn’t know I was depressed — but I have a strong feeling that it was extremely easy to tell that I was) and didn’t deny the things my mom has said before to me, right infront of him (such as “if you dont get better grades, we’ll disown you when you turn 18”,etc.). I’m just so, so tired. It’s almost like 1 am right now and I’m having a breakdown. I don’t know how to tell him, I’m scared of his reaction, but I’m also TIRED. I just want my feelings to stop. I just want them to treat me like they I’m not just a responsibility, or like I’m some sort of cute virtual pet that they can dispose of at any moment. I want him to apologize, but I also want him to not try to guilt trip me into staying at my house throughout college. Even if he apologizes, there’s absolutely no way that I’m staying here for college. I feel like I’m being suffocated everytime I think of that future… I wish I could leave like tomorrow even, but I need to wait till I finish this school year/graduate. I’m so close to leaving, but I also want him to know why I’m leaving. Any advice is appreciated!!

sorry for the long post, and thank you for reading it through!

 

[may71]

I don’t know how to tell him

The problem I see is that imho, abusers typically can't be reasoned with, especially if they have all of the power in the relationship. It's the sort of thing that you might be able to talk about with him after you become independent, but it's hard to get abusers to make concessions or even admit to abuse in the past if they're holding all the cards.

The Trevor Project or the National Child Abuse Hotline might be able to advise you on how to handle things.

 

[BlueKoala]

The problem I see is that imho, abusers typically can't be reasoned with, especially if they have all of the power in the relationship. It's the sort of thing that you might be able to talk about with him after you become independent, but it's hard to get abusers to make concessions or even admit to abuse in the past if they're holding all the cards.

The Trevor Project or the National Child Abuse Hotline might be able to advise you on how to handle things.

Yeah, I think you’re right. I was planning on telling him when I became independent anyway, but it’d just be better if I can go to college with him understanding why I’m actually leaving and why I want to leave so badly in the first place. I might ask my mom to be there with me when I talk to him since she’s on my side, thankfully, but I don’t know…I’ll still talk to him with her in the room, but if he will start to get defensive then that’s that.
And thank you so much!! I’ll be sure to check them out, thank you.

 

[may71]

it’d just be better if I can go to college with him understanding why I’m actually leaving and why I want to leave so badly in the first place

It's been a while since I've seen your posts, but if I recall correctly, it didn't really seem like either one of them was supportive of your living independently. If they know that you're planning to live elsewhere, it seems like there's some risk that they will try to thwart your plans.

It may be safer to have this talk once you're actually out of the house.

thank you so much!!

You're welcome!

 

[BlueKoala]

It's been a while since I've seen your posts, but if I recall correctly, it didn't really seem like either one of them was supportive of your living independently. If they know that you're planning to live elsewhere, it seems like there's some risk that they will try to thwart your plans.

It may be safer to have this talk once you're actually out of the house.


You're welcome!

Yeah, once again, you’re most likely tight. Once I told my mom that I’m moving out regardless, she was clearly frustrated and begged me to think it over. I told her “maybe, but don’t count on it, I’m basically set in moving out.” She acts like I’m still going to be living at the house though, but like…I’m just done. Thank you for the advice!

 

[justrob]

At the moment I don't have any advice. I am proud of you for talking to your mother.

 

[Veni Vidi Vici]

In lack of perfection, your father is a mere boy. My friend, once the deepest, most intimate fragments of the heart have been rotted by pain it is time. Do no harm to any lambs, for they are too innocent in their ignorance to care.

 

[anona123]

How are you doing these days, @BlueKoala ?

If there's physical abuse, you need to report that. I know it's your dad but that can't happen.

As for the mental abuse, yelling and telling you you'll be disowned, that can't happen either. I've had my experiences with that, both as a child and a father. As a father I've definitely said things I wish I wouldn't have. My daughter was always responsible and got good grades, so when she did have slip-ups I wish I would have just responded with love instead of anger. I have traits of borderline and narcissistic personality disorders. I've only found this out after it's too late. He must have something similar. He needs to get help. The hard part is reaching someone who has the assist orders. If you can have your mother support you too I'd suggest being patient and persistent.

 

[BlueKoala]

How are you doing these days, @BlueKoala ?

If there's physical abuse, you need to report that. I know it's your dad but that can't happen.

As for the mental abuse, yelling and telling you you'll be disowned, that can't happen either. I've had my experiences with that, both as a child and a father. As a father I've definitely said things I wish I wouldn't have. My daughter was always responsible and got good grades, so when she did have slip-ups I wish I would have just responded with love instead of anger. I have traits of borderline and narcissistic personality disorders. I've only found this out after it's too late. He must have something similar. He needs to get help. The hard part is reaching someone who has the assist orders. If you can have your mother support you too I'd suggest being patient and persistent.

Thank you for checking in with me. I told my mom about everything, but it she downplays my experiences because her family treated her worse, so she thinks that I'm just overly sensitive...it's a shame, really.
I don't want him to have to go through any legal trouble, plus, he hasn't been physically abusive for a few years now, but it's not worth much because he still raises his hand at me like he wants to harm me at times.
Thank you for your insight, I really want to talk to him about this in the future sometime, just not sure how to bring it up. I'll try to find a good opportunity to do so.