I don't know

[Sue75]

I suffer from ptsd as a result of a sexual assault when I was 11 and sexual abuse from my ex when I was 17. After I left him I began a spree of sexual deviance. As a form of "reacting" to my traumas I slept with 5 guys in 2 years and I feel supremely ashamed of myself. I am now in a very good relationship for 9 months now. He knows basically all of my past. However, he recently found out about the timeline of my spree, I had initially lied to him when we began to talk to cover my embarrassment but now he knows and doesn't trust me and thinks I'll cheat like his ex. All of this is a lot to add onto my own struggle with depression and anxiety plus school, and work to live on my own. I just want someone to tell me what I do?
It all sounds so stupid but it's just another nail in a coffin I'd like to just be buried in already

 

[Abibug]

((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))

 

[Sue75]

((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))

 

[lost001]

Sorry you was abused when you was younger, the world sure can be a cruel place . I don't think sleeping with 5 guy in two years is bad , besides that all in that's past so there is no point in letting it bother you so much. I don't no you're bf but you should let his insecurities bring you down. Just because he went through something with bis ex doesn't mean you should be paying the price for it.

My advice would be just be yourself and don't let the past eat you up so much because that would just be a waste of energy and time (I wish I could take my own advise sometimes).

Anyway good luck.

 

[Sue75]

Sorry you was abused when you was younger, the world sure can be a cruel place . I don't think sleeping with 5 guy in two years is bad , besides that all in that's past so there is no point in letting it bother you so much. I don't no you're bf but you should let his insecurities bring you down. Just because he went through something with bis ex doesn't mean you should be paying the price for it.

My advice would be just be yourself and don't let the past eat you up so much because that would just be a waste of energy and time (I wish I could take my own advise sometimes).

Anyway good luck.

Thank you, I'm trying to apply my own advice as well. I supposed I'm obsessed with the past and haven't even begun to forgive myself for anything. I hope you take your own advice too

 

[Garnet_B]

Have you told him you lied out of embarrassment? I don't know you're boyfriend but maybe consider trying to have a heart to heart with him about the situation, you lied to him Yes but it's understandable why you've done so. I also understand you're boyfriend point of view and why it's hard for him digest having been cheated on in the once before. I don't know just some things to consider. I'm sorry about you're past and I hope things work out between you two.

 

[lost001]

I know exactly what you mean, the more I try to ignore the past the more it hunts me. Feels like a never ending nightmare. By the way i meant to say "I don't no you're bf but you SHOULD'NT let his insecurities bring you down" not SHOULD. sorry about that.

 

[Sue75]

Have you told him you lied out of embarrassment? I don't know you're boyfriend but maybe consider trying to have a heart to heart with him about the situation, you lied to him Yes but it's understandable why you've done so. I also understand you're boyfriend point of view and why it's hard for him digest having been cheated on in the once before. I don't know just some things to consider. I'm sorry about you're past and I hope things work out between you two.

I told him everything and he wanted to break up. I begged him for 3 hours straight, trying to explain my end. He decided we don't have to break up but I'm scared we won't pass this. I'm so sorry that I did it and I've never lied except for that. I've never even flirted or anything. I just wish we could go back to this morning when we were happy

 

[Sue75]

I know exactly what you mean, the more I try to ignore the past the more it hunts me. Feels like a never ending nightmare. By the way i meant to say "I don't no you're bf but you SHOULD'NT let his insecurities bring you down" not SHOULD. sorry about that.

Ya trust me, I literally have nightmares. If time machines were real I'd hop in right now. Haha dw I understood

 

[Walker]

You know what? Does your bf have a past? Well then fuck him. He's got shit too. You guys both have things you've done and if he thinks that you being with a few guys is some unthinkable, unforgivable thing then fuck him. You can and probably should move along to someone who deserves and respects you. Frankly, 5 guys in 2 years isn't either a stellar record nor a whores digit so if he finds that soooo terribly socially unacceptable then cast him away.

I think that you might want to dig into is WHY he finds that to be such an issue and when you do you may find that to be that you have more partners than he does. If that's the case then he's feeling like you've got more experience than he does, which isn't necessarily the case or that you know more than him, which is also not necessarily the case. Either way, it's not something either of you can or should control. He's feeling insecure because he thinks he's not good enough to lay the pipe as well as the other 5 dudes and that shit is on him, not you, darling.

 

[Rockclimbinggirl]

What about therapy for you or couples therapy? What about showing him an article on promiscuity after abuse?

 

[Sue75]

What about therapy for you or couples therapy? What about showing him an article on promiscuity after abuse?

I stopped attending therapy because it's quite expensive and he's not interested in a couples therapy. He's just at a state where he feels I'm not trustworthy and I'm not sure if it's a fixable matter on my end

 

[Sue75]

You know what? Does your bf have a past? Well then fuck him. He's got shit too. You guys both have things you've done and if he thinks that you being with a few guys is some unthinkable, unforgivable thing then fuck him. You can and probably should move along to someone who deserves and respects you. Frankly, 5 guys in 2 years isn't either a stellar record nor a whores digit so if he finds that soooo terribly socially unacceptable then cast him away.

I think that you might want to dig into is WHY he finds that to be such an issue and when you do you may find that to be that you have more partners than he does. If that's the case then he's feeling like you've got more experience than he does, which isn't necessarily the case or that you know more than him, which is also not necessarily the case. Either way, it's not something either of you can or should control. He's feeling insecure because he thinks he's not good enough to lay the pipe as well as the other 5 dudes and that shit is on him, not you, darling.

Honestly he does have a past, about 3 months ago a girl friend of his sent him a message asking why they'd never dated. When he said it was out of nowhere I looked further into it and it turned out 2 months prior he had a full on conversation about why they should've dated. He claimed he didn't see it that way. I was furious but didn't see a reason to end us over it.
Now he's angry that I lied about when I last slept with someone and thinks there's a bigger theme of dishonesty and maybe cheating.
I know logically us staying together can be disastrous but I'm kind of hoping it'll click in his head that I only did it the one time to not feel so ashamed and there's no dishonesty here

 

[Petal]

There's no shame in having sex with guys, it no one's business but your own, its human nature. We all have a past, as someone once said to me on here ''who cares if you slept with 200 men,''.
The issue here is TRUST between you and your partner, you cannot buy trust it must be earned over time, well done for opening up to him about your past, that was a good move and it shows you're ready to change and commit to a relationship, only one thing will help this and that is TIME