I was close to my limit for quite some time and then a whole new pressure landed on my head and pushed me over it, now, even though the new pressure has gone away I still feel like I cant handle it anymore, I am screaming in my head all the time, every moment I am just waiting for the next one hoping that the next moment will bring peace.
I am hurting myself more and more to try to distract myself, I thought I had got control again, that I was back within my limit to manage but it just started all over again, my depression is in full swing and the only reason I can even function enough to write this is because though its doing absolutely nothing for my mood the high dose antidepressants I am on seems to be keeping my brain from stalling.
I tried going to a counsellor but the first one broke confidentiality the day after I first saw her and the 2nd one is a talker, she loves the sound of her own voice, I often cant get a word in, is there not a single decent counsellor anywhere? To top it all off I cant even be honest with her because she told me outright that if she thought I was in danger of hurting myself she had to break confidentiality and call my GP.
I have no one I can turn to, no help coming, I have exhausted all my coping mechanisms, nothing is even remotely fun anymore and I cant take much more of this, I need something to tip the scales back in my favour and give me enough of a reason to at least keep going if nothing else.
One last blow to finish me off, my dad cant know I am depressed if he finds out I am this bad he will hound me to tell him why until he finds out it is him, at which point he will make my life a living hell ON TOP of what it already is so no matter how dark things get, no matter how desperate I am to scream or hurt myself or just die I have to laugh and smile and watch TV and hide my antidepressants and never show I am not happy.
Its killing me, even as I write this I have fresh cuts stinging on my arm, each one longer than the last.
I am hurting myself more and more to try to distract myself, I thought I had got control again, that I was back within my limit to manage but it just started all over again, my depression is in full swing and the only reason I can even function enough to write this is because though its doing absolutely nothing for my mood the high dose antidepressants I am on seems to be keeping my brain from stalling.
I tried going to a counsellor but the first one broke confidentiality the day after I first saw her and the 2nd one is a talker, she loves the sound of her own voice, I often cant get a word in, is there not a single decent counsellor anywhere? To top it all off I cant even be honest with her because she told me outright that if she thought I was in danger of hurting myself she had to break confidentiality and call my GP.
I have no one I can turn to, no help coming, I have exhausted all my coping mechanisms, nothing is even remotely fun anymore and I cant take much more of this, I need something to tip the scales back in my favour and give me enough of a reason to at least keep going if nothing else.
One last blow to finish me off, my dad cant know I am depressed if he finds out I am this bad he will hound me to tell him why until he finds out it is him, at which point he will make my life a living hell ON TOP of what it already is so no matter how dark things get, no matter how desperate I am to scream or hurt myself or just die I have to laugh and smile and watch TV and hide my antidepressants and never show I am not happy.
Its killing me, even as I write this I have fresh cuts stinging on my arm, each one longer than the last.
