I have reached my limit

I was close to my limit for quite some time and then a whole new pressure landed on my head and pushed me over it, now, even though the new pressure has gone away I still feel like I cant handle it anymore, I am screaming in my head all the time, every moment I am just waiting for the next one hoping that the next moment will bring peace.

I am hurting myself more and more to try to distract myself, I thought I had got control again, that I was back within my limit to manage but it just started all over again, my depression is in full swing and the only reason I can even function enough to write this is because though its doing absolutely nothing for my mood the high dose antidepressants I am on seems to be keeping my brain from stalling.

I tried going to a counsellor but the first one broke confidentiality the day after I first saw her and the 2nd one is a talker, she loves the sound of her own voice, I often cant get a word in, is there not a single decent counsellor anywhere? To top it all off I cant even be honest with her because she told me outright that if she thought I was in danger of hurting myself she had to break confidentiality and call my GP.

I have no one I can turn to, no help coming, I have exhausted all my coping mechanisms, nothing is even remotely fun anymore and I cant take much more of this, I need something to tip the scales back in my favour and give me enough of a reason to at least keep going if nothing else.

One last blow to finish me off, my dad cant know I am depressed if he finds out I am this bad he will hound me to tell him why until he finds out it is him, at which point he will make my life a living hell ON TOP of what it already is so no matter how dark things get, no matter how desperate I am to scream or hurt myself or just die I have to laugh and smile and watch TV and hide my antidepressants and never show I am not happy.

Its killing me, even as I write this I have fresh cuts stinging on my arm, each one longer than the last.

 

I am so sorry for your experience with counsellors, maybe you should think about getting a new one if possible,
someone who listens more, and someone you can trust.

please try not to hurt yourself for distraction. look for funny videos from cute animals, it helps me sometimes to distract my mind from whatever unpleasant thought that bothers me. Do you have any favourite animal?

Please keep fighting, you will find the strength to beat this situation my dear.

 

@Dante I am sorry to hear how things are for you. How do you feel now?

Can I ask why you wouldn't want your GP to know if you were in danger? They could help you get some more help to get better and get away from your dangerous behaviour.

Finding counselors and therapists you can work with is a bit of trial and error sometimes... There is someone out there you can work with. You deserve it.
Perhaps it wouldn't be such a bad idea to talk to your GP about getting some therapy and treatment for your SH?

Please do try to distract yourself from hurting yourself. Find the ways that work for you. Personally it helps me to keep my hands busy. But I don't know what you enjoy doing. Do you have any hobbies or sports you like to do?
And if you really 'need' to do something you should try rubber bands or the ice cube method, those are still harming yourself but in a much, much safer way.


Please stay safe

 

Erm... I like wood carving, but with that you really need as sharp a knife as possible so I doubt that would be a distraction...

The rest of my hobbies either don't keep my hands busy or I simply cant do them at the moment.