I just want it to end

[lightning05]

Every day I dread waking up because I know that I will have to fight the urge to want to kill myself all day long. It is getting to be a tiring battle that I don't want to take part in anymore. I find no joy in anything and I keep thinking it would be such a good idea to just take my own life. My bank account is dwindling down to nothing since I've been unemployed for so long and the longer I'm unemployed the harder it will be to find a job. I am trying to finish up this one last semester for school but I might not even have the money. Then after I spend all my money on that I still won't have a guaranteed job.

Everyone here is too busy for me. People are too busy working and having lives - things I don't have anymore. I am a loser who sits home and drinks and smokes weed all day because I have nothing else going for me. Where I used to live everyone has forgotten about me or doesn't have the time to talk. My ex used to be one of the most supportive people and now he doesn't even answer a text message from me. I go out of my way to try and hang out with people where I live now and I continuosly get shut down.

I've never felt so alone before. I feel like no one gives a shit about me and I don't give a shit about myself anymore. I want something to happen to me so that I can just die already. It is too painful to wake up every day with nothing to do but try not to think suicidal thoughts. I drink and smoke so that I can calm down or at least go to sleep. Everything I am doing is worthless, just like me. I'm not even living, I'm just existing and I don't want to exist anymore. Years and years of therapy can't undo the damage that was done to me as a little girl and I don't want to even grow older. At the rate I am going, I am going to develop another substance abuse problem. I'm too crazy for this world. I just want to go.

 

[Rockclimbinggirl]

s* Is there a career/financial office at your school that can help you? What about clubs thru school?

 

[Brian777]

Hey Lightning05, we care about you here, I care about you and that's the truth, we know the feelings you are dealing with, we deal with the same feelings. Yes, it's difficult and I wish there were an easy answer, but giving up is not it. You mentioned therapy and yes it may take a long time, how about seeing someone about an antidepressant, at least it may lift your mood and give you some motivation. When I first started my medication it made an incredible difference, unfortunately after being on the same one for years it seems to be losing its effect. I don't need to tell you alcohol and weed will depress you, and it's said with no judgement. I realize you're just trying to get through the day. I wish I had some words of wisdom, but I don't I'm struggling myself right now. I just wanted you to know that you're not alone and that we care about you.
Brian

 

[lightning05]

I can't get any financial aid because I'm still a dependent under my parents and they make too much money on paper. I live with them now still but it is very frustrating not getting the emotional support I need from them. This site is the only place that I am getting emotional support and if it weren't for SF I don't know, I may have already committed suicide. So I thank everyone for that. @Brian777 I have considered antidepressants but I am so scared that I will become more suicidal or develop an addiction to it because of my previous substance abuse problems. I go to a free counseling clinic and I only have about 3 more sessions. I don't know what to do - financially I can't pay for a therapist. Yes, I am just trying to get through the day but each day is feeling harder and harder to get through. I feel that I often don't even remember my days, they are all blurring together. Emotionally, I am at the end of my rope.

 

[lightning05]

I tried Zoloft a few years ago and it made me reckless and uninhibited. I made some very bad decisions while on it and I got these weird brain zaps when coming off. I think that may have turned me off to medicine, but I should try and give it another go.

 

[ThePhantomLady]

I'm sorry you're feeling so low.

Do you still go to therapy to work on what you've been through? It might be a tough road but it will get better.

I am not here to judge you, because I do understand wanting to drink away the sorrows... but know that alcohol and excessive weed smoking are depressors and will have an adverse effect.

Could you possibly seek any help to get healthier coping mechanisms? It will make your road a little shorter.

Please be safe and try to be kind to yourself. You do deserve it!

 

[Brian777]

I tried Zoloft a few years ago and it made me reckless and uninhibited. I made some very bad decisions while on it and I got these weird brain zaps when coming off. I think that may have turned me off to medicine, but I should try and give it another go.

Yes, brain zapps are a classic withdrawal symptom, if I forget my Cymbalta they soon remind me. I do understand not wanting to get addicted, I just had to do something to allow me to function. Hope it gets better for you ((hugs))

 

[mpk]

Lightening sorry that you are feeling the way you do. I hope that you get better. It is tough, Ivan attest to that yet I guess the key is not give up. I know it is tough to do as I fight it everyday.

 

[lightning05]

It seems that medicine might be the direction to go in since its been so long that I have been feeling so low.