Every day I dread waking up because I know that I will have to fight the urge to want to kill myself all day long. It is getting to be a tiring battle that I don't want to take part in anymore. I find no joy in anything and I keep thinking it would be such a good idea to just take my own life. My bank account is dwindling down to nothing since I've been unemployed for so long and the longer I'm unemployed the harder it will be to find a job. I am trying to finish up this one last semester for school but I might not even have the money. Then after I spend all my money on that I still won't have a guaranteed job. Everyone here is too busy for me. People are too busy working and having lives - things I don't have anymore. I am a loser who sits home and drinks and smokes weed all day because I have nothing else going for me. Where I used to live everyone has forgotten about me or doesn't have the time to talk. My ex used to be one of the most supportive people and now he doesn't even answer a text message from me. I go out of my way to try and hang out with people where I live now and I continuosly get shut down. I've never felt so alone before. I feel like no one gives a shit about me and I don't give a shit about myself anymore. I want something to happen to me so that I can just die already. It is too painful to wake up every day with nothing to do but try not to think suicidal thoughts. I drink and smoke so that I can calm down or at least go to sleep. Everything I am doing is worthless, just like me. I'm not even living, I'm just existing and I don't want to exist anymore. Years and years of therapy can't undo the damage that was done to me as a little girl and I don't want to even grow older. At the rate I am going, I am going to develop another substance abuse problem. I'm too crazy for this world. I just want to go.