I don't think I'm asking anything here although I always value and appreciate your words.
Index
A = online chat therapy I did text based for 2 years until she changed job roles.
P = NHS 'therapist' I saw for 6 months, met her about 15 times, who ended it. Essentially because I didn't talk to her or trust her.
MDK = a counsellor I met a few times after P. He doesn't have much training so we didn't work together.
E = I met a clinical psychologist over zoom we didn't work with each other for a couple reasons. If I use this as a thread not just a post I may explain why.
M = therapist I met once on Thursday which is why I'm writing this post
I met a new therapist on Thursday. Privately. As in not NHS. I saw 2 therapists since the NHS therapist ended it and although both of them showed me how P - who I saw through the NHS - was wrong. I guess seeing a third person who was so very different still brought it up again. And I didn't think I'd be going back to P. I thought this would just be about M - the therapist I mat on Thursday. I guess P impacted me more than I realise. She blamed me that she ended it. As in said it's my fault.
So I met M on Thursday. She had all the right words. She said she doesn't expect trust. She said she's plenty of ways to communicate, it doesn't have to be through speaking. She's actually read - well studied I hope - a lot of current day research. She said too many things - good that I didn't like. Like that she'd want to know why suicide was am option. Like that her goal would be to communicate from the emotions and not pure logic. Like that working on labeling feelings.
There were a couple things that weren't okay that I have to remember to bring up. We spoke over each other a lot. And she didn't hear what I said. I can give 4 examples I can remember where I said something and a couple minutes or more later she said something showing she hadn't heard me. One is that I told her I'd begun reading the book Waking the Tiger by Peter Levine, but didn't read through it because the book contained exercises that I couldn't do on my own. A few minutes later she was telling ne that she liked somatic stuff by Levine and he wrote a book and she began explaining a sentence or two what his research was, and it's sonething about a tiger. I filled in Waking the Tiger. But if she had heard me earlier she wouldn't have said it. A few more examples like that. Where what she said meant she just hadn't actually heard my words.
I want to ask her what I'd have to do to push her away. I need to know for both reasons. To know what to do and what not to do.
I also need to know exactly what she knows about me. I know we only met once. She seemed to see more than I'd want her to.
Thursday is too far away. And this is coming from someone who doesn't want to do therapy. And does
. It actually is too far away for me. And this is when I've met her once. But I can't see how we can meet more than once a week when she only works here Wed and Thu.
I do and don't want to do therapy as I said. It's not just about the fear. It's that I don't want things to change. The purpose of therapy, really, is to implement change. Well understand or heal so that things change. And I don't want it to. For so many different reasons. Add in also that I don't want to be seen / known. That I don't want to face myself.
She didn't just 'get' me. That's not a red flag. It's not a necessity. It's a shame. She seemed to get a lot of what I'd be bringing to the room. Not because she got me. Because she understood my presentation - is the best way I can think to word it. Why I'm saying this is because I met MDK after things ended with P. MDK just got me. As in totally and completely. We were speaking the same language in a way I've never seen before. We met a few times before he told me he didn't feel he had the skills. That isn't a bad thing. Just a statement. That is also after he told me he didn't see that he'd learn anything from training more. One day I may try to convince him to train further. So M didn't get me. I know that's something that can be learned. Wrong word. As in one can get to know someone. A knew me. I'd say that A knows me more than most people. She didn't know me when I started working with her.
I told her at least 3 times that I'd probably do my level best to keep her away. I didn't realise I'd been repeating myself until the last time I said it. And I was realising that I'd said it before. I also told her that just showing up was doing my part. By that I mean that 'just' showing up takes absolutely everything. And that I wouldn't intentionally try to get her to end it. I say that now and I'm curious if there's a part of me that would try to if she got too close. Take the curiosity away. I'm nearly certain I would. But I don't think push her away is the right words. More like possibly throw up some walls. I don't know if I would though or not. A dismantled much of those walls. Which isn't a good thing.
Anyways.
Index
A = online chat therapy I did text based for 2 years until she changed job roles.
P = NHS 'therapist' I saw for 6 months, met her about 15 times, who ended it. Essentially because I didn't talk to her or trust her.
MDK = a counsellor I met a few times after P. He doesn't have much training so we didn't work together.
E = I met a clinical psychologist over zoom we didn't work with each other for a couple reasons. If I use this as a thread not just a post I may explain why.
M = therapist I met once on Thursday which is why I'm writing this post
I met a new therapist on Thursday. Privately. As in not NHS. I saw 2 therapists since the NHS therapist ended it and although both of them showed me how P - who I saw through the NHS - was wrong. I guess seeing a third person who was so very different still brought it up again. And I didn't think I'd be going back to P. I thought this would just be about M - the therapist I mat on Thursday. I guess P impacted me more than I realise. She blamed me that she ended it. As in said it's my fault.
So I met M on Thursday. She had all the right words. She said she doesn't expect trust. She said she's plenty of ways to communicate, it doesn't have to be through speaking. She's actually read - well studied I hope - a lot of current day research. She said too many things - good that I didn't like. Like that she'd want to know why suicide was am option. Like that her goal would be to communicate from the emotions and not pure logic. Like that working on labeling feelings.
There were a couple things that weren't okay that I have to remember to bring up. We spoke over each other a lot. And she didn't hear what I said. I can give 4 examples I can remember where I said something and a couple minutes or more later she said something showing she hadn't heard me. One is that I told her I'd begun reading the book Waking the Tiger by Peter Levine, but didn't read through it because the book contained exercises that I couldn't do on my own. A few minutes later she was telling ne that she liked somatic stuff by Levine and he wrote a book and she began explaining a sentence or two what his research was, and it's sonething about a tiger. I filled in Waking the Tiger. But if she had heard me earlier she wouldn't have said it. A few more examples like that. Where what she said meant she just hadn't actually heard my words.
I want to ask her what I'd have to do to push her away. I need to know for both reasons. To know what to do and what not to do.
I also need to know exactly what she knows about me. I know we only met once. She seemed to see more than I'd want her to.
Thursday is too far away. And this is coming from someone who doesn't want to do therapy. And does
. It actually is too far away for me. And this is when I've met her once. But I can't see how we can meet more than once a week when she only works here Wed and Thu.I do and don't want to do therapy as I said. It's not just about the fear. It's that I don't want things to change. The purpose of therapy, really, is to implement change. Well understand or heal so that things change. And I don't want it to. For so many different reasons. Add in also that I don't want to be seen / known. That I don't want to face myself.
She didn't just 'get' me. That's not a red flag. It's not a necessity. It's a shame. She seemed to get a lot of what I'd be bringing to the room. Not because she got me. Because she understood my presentation - is the best way I can think to word it. Why I'm saying this is because I met MDK after things ended with P. MDK just got me. As in totally and completely. We were speaking the same language in a way I've never seen before. We met a few times before he told me he didn't feel he had the skills. That isn't a bad thing. Just a statement. That is also after he told me he didn't see that he'd learn anything from training more
. One day I may try to convince him to train further. So M didn't get me. I know that's something that can be learned. Wrong word. As in one can get to know someone. A knew me. I'd say that A knows me more than most people. She didn't know me when I started working with her.I told her at least 3 times that I'd probably do my level best to keep her away. I didn't realise I'd been repeating myself until the last time I said it. And I was realising that I'd said it before. I also told her that just showing up was doing my part. By that I mean that 'just' showing up takes absolutely everything. And that I wouldn't intentionally try to get her to end it. I say that now and I'm curious if there's a part of me that would try to if she got too close. Take the curiosity away. I'm nearly certain I would. But I don't think push her away is the right words. More like possibly throw up some walls. I don't know if I would though or not. A dismantled much of those walls. Which isn't a good thing.
Anyways.
quoting a bit here 
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