I met a new therapist
- Thread starter Innocent Forever
- Start date
So she didn't actually message me last week. I thought she would.
I know she may have thought I'd message her if I was free.
I'm actually glad we didn't meet because I didn't have the discombobulation of it. Which was good.
When she asked me if I was available on Wednesday I was just really okay with it. It didn't throw me off at all this time.
I'll meet her on Wednesday then I'm going away the next Wednesday for the next 3 weeks.
I know she may have thought I'd message her if I was free.
I'm actually glad we didn't meet because I didn't have the discombobulation of it. Which was good.
When she asked me if I was available on Wednesday I was just really okay with it. It didn't throw me off at all this time.
I'll meet her on Wednesday then I'm going away the next Wednesday for the next 3 weeks.
Gah! She sent me the questionnaire she wants me to fill in. That she gives all - most - her clients.
Do I want to look at it?
Actually her asking questions I can send her the written response to. I've no idea if these are questions that are going to be specific enough for me to answer. I like questions that people want responses to, to be specific enough that I get what's being asked and know how to respond. I guess we'll see what this one is.
Do I want to look at it?
Actually her asking questions I can send her the written response to. I've no idea if these are questions that are going to be specific enough for me to answer. I like questions that people want responses to, to be specific enough that I get what's being asked and know how to respond. I guess we'll see what this one is.
What im learning is that I'm having to really advocate for my needs and be really clear. I'm sure you are too I'm just saying there's nothing wrong with going back and saying if the questions are not specific enough or you don't understand. Or to say you'd rather go over it together.
Sending you strength
Sending you strength
Not really possible. Because it takes me a long time to build relationships. All relationships do. I kinda immediately know whether I like people or not but to actually have a relationship takes time.
And M - this therapist - isn't someone I immediately click with. I don't not click. There's nothing against her. I'm just not drawn to her either. That's not a negative. She also doesn't just get me. Most people don't.
I was messaging A on instagram (I did chat therapy with her for 2.5 years). And it was interesting. I don't message her much because I'm always careful of what I do or don't. Anyways so u sent her a message (in response to her) and I knew she'd just understand what I meant. Even as I could see how what I'd said would be unclear to most people. She just really knows me. Knows the way I think. Understands the way I formulate things.
And it's only because we built that relationship. If we hadn't she wouldn't be able to just understand.
I did once meet someone (MDK) who did just speak my language. Asides for the fact that he didn't have the ability. He is the only person I've met who truly spoke my language. Just knew what I meant. He told me he felt exposed with me. Which makes sense when I read him as well as he read me.
Most people aren't like that.
And having someone like that would being it's downsides too.
Anyways. I'm rambling. It's not really all connected/relevant.
And M - this therapist - isn't someone I immediately click with. I don't not click. There's nothing against her. I'm just not drawn to her either. That's not a negative. She also doesn't just get me. Most people don't.
I was messaging A on instagram (I did chat therapy with her for 2.5 years). And it was interesting. I don't message her much because I'm always careful of what I do or don't. Anyways so u sent her a message (in response to her) and I knew she'd just understand what I meant. Even as I could see how what I'd said would be unclear to most people. She just really knows me. Knows the way I think. Understands the way I formulate things.
And it's only because we built that relationship. If we hadn't she wouldn't be able to just understand.
I did once meet someone (MDK) who did just speak my language. Asides for the fact that he didn't have the ability. He is the only person I've met who truly spoke my language. Just knew what I meant. He told me he felt exposed with me. Which makes sense when I read him as well as he read me.
Most people aren't like that.
And having someone like that would being it's downsides too.
Anyways. I'm rambling. It's not really all connected/relevant.
Yesterday was crazy. I don't actually know what was really going on. I do know she eventually just relaxed and stayed silent as I didn't move at all (cuz what would moving give away). For probably half an hour until the end. I didn't look at or see the time at all so that's just my guess.
She stayed calm - at least she acted like she was calm. She didn't do anything to make it worse or spiral more. Which is a big thing. I'm not sure what would have helped. I'm not actually sure what was going on either - why I was way more on guard to start off with, why/how we ended up sitting in silence for half an hour.
If I think about it now, the most surprising is that I wasnt fidgeting at all. I don't know when I ever am completely still.
I didn't sleep much which is to be expected and obviously haven't eaten / drunk since before I met her (I always try to eat before meeting her because it's kinda to be expected that I likely won't be able to eat after. Eating / drinking etc. It's. I've written about it before. I can't think how to put it into words now. Not eating/drinking/speaking etc - moving much - kinda just is).
I'm much calmer than expected this morning. Yes. I'm holding a lot of tension in my body. And. It's okay that I am. The not fun thing about holding tension is that it flares up muscle pain that tension triggers.
If I'm right then my muscles can lock when they contract. (Specifically on my right foot / left hand I experience it when I move and lock them which I try avoid doing). So when I'm holding tension I'm contracting the muscles and probably locking them. The people I've asked about the pain haven't really listened. It kinda can come along though so they're not going to test for anything else. So yeah I'm holding a lot of tension. Wrong words. It's that I'm holding my body together, as in physically holding myself together, which causes tension. My mind isn't a mess.
I'm kinda surprised that she didn't get frustrated with me. More like wondering why she didn't. I wonder what that says about so many professions
. She said at the end something like - I'd be leaving most therapists worried and wondering what they've missed. I guess that means she was worried/wondering about what she'd missed?
She stayed calm - at least she acted like she was calm. She didn't do anything to make it worse or spiral more. Which is a big thing. I'm not sure what would have helped. I'm not actually sure what was going on either - why I was way more on guard to start off with, why/how we ended up sitting in silence for half an hour.
If I think about it now, the most surprising is that I wasnt fidgeting at all. I don't know when I ever am completely still.
I didn't sleep much which is to be expected and obviously haven't eaten / drunk since before I met her (I always try to eat before meeting her because it's kinda to be expected that I likely won't be able to eat after. Eating / drinking etc. It's. I've written about it before. I can't think how to put it into words now. Not eating/drinking/speaking etc - moving much - kinda just is).
I'm much calmer than expected this morning. Yes. I'm holding a lot of tension in my body. And. It's okay that I am. The not fun thing about holding tension is that it flares up muscle pain that tension triggers.
If I'm right then my muscles can lock when they contract. (Specifically on my right foot / left hand I experience it when I move and lock them which I try avoid doing). So when I'm holding tension I'm contracting the muscles and probably locking them. The people I've asked about the pain haven't really listened. It kinda can come along though so they're not going to test for anything else. So yeah I'm holding a lot of tension. Wrong words. It's that I'm holding my body together, as in physically holding myself together, which causes tension. My mind isn't a mess.
I'm kinda surprised that she didn't get frustrated with me. More like wondering why she didn't. I wonder what that says about so many professions
. She said at the end something like - I'd be leaving most therapists worried and wondering what they've missed. I guess that means she was worried/wondering about what she'd missed?
I emailed her at about 5am.
I'm wondering what actually happened. We were talking, or not talking, about I think colouring. I think you put down the papers. Then we were just sitting there. I can't figure out what led there or if there was something in between.
And no I should not have. I don't even know if she'll see it. And just. Gah. I don't know if she'll reply. I don't know if this is even what I wanted to ask. I don't know how much sense what I wrote makes. I don't know if even if she replies what she'll say would make it better or worse. Just. Gah.
I've a list of questions for her really. And I wish we were meeting next week just so that she could answer them. If we were I wouldn't have dreamed of sending that.
A commented on my blog post where I wrote about Wednesday. I wrote more there than here.
Anyways, Wednesday night I messaged her that I didn't have her email address (at the end on Wednesday she asked me if I had it and said something about checking I via email) and whatever else. She replied and also wrote maybe put down what was happening for you. Not her words at all! Paraphrased.
So A commented and part of what she said was possibly to share what I'd written with her (M) if it felt safe to.
Which - it doesn't. I did think about it. Even as I was writing. Because part of why I sat down to blog is because of M's message about writing down what'd been going on for me. I wondered if I'd share it with her. But. Or and. That's a no. I can't share my words with her.
But I was thinking that no, I can't share my words, that doesn't mean I can't engage at all. And that was one of the questions I had for her. I've a few questions around what happened when we met. Like - what actually happened, why was she calm, why did she ask if I was in the room, what was going on for her, what was she worried about. Etc. I didn't just send them all to her.
Part of why I asked the above question is because I don't actually really know what happened when we met. I know we ended up just sitting there in silence for about half an hour. I don't know why. I don't know how. I don't know if we did or didn't have to.
I know the way she responded - staying calm, realising it was about me and not making it about her (should I even have to write that?), not visibly looking at me - made me feel safe enough that I didn't lock whatever was going on down.
And when I say that - I don't know what was going on.
I do know that when I've needed to (I'm thinking of P here) I've been able to force myself to talk and block off everything. No matter if it's not good for me to.
She just breathed. She let me be.
I know I felt safe enough to let that show.
She won't realise how big of a deal that is. I do.
She doesn't realise how big of a deal most things are. I know I'm going to have to try again to explain it. I wish I didn't have to explain it.
Another reason I can't just send her what I wrote is that - what if we don't work out. What if I'm too much for her. Or what if there are red flags that I can't ignore. It's too soon to know either of those. And I won't cope having shared then. Not that I'll handle it well if we don't work out - because she's seen way too much of me.
Anyways.
Thank you for reading.
I'm wondering what actually happened. We were talking, or not talking, about I think colouring. I think you put down the papers. Then we were just sitting there. I can't figure out what led there or if there was something in between.
And no I should not have. I don't even know if she'll see it. And just. Gah. I don't know if she'll reply. I don't know if this is even what I wanted to ask. I don't know how much sense what I wrote makes. I don't know if even if she replies what she'll say would make it better or worse. Just. Gah.
I've a list of questions for her really. And I wish we were meeting next week just so that she could answer them. If we were I wouldn't have dreamed of sending that.
A commented on my blog post where I wrote about Wednesday. I wrote more there than here.
Anyways, Wednesday night I messaged her that I didn't have her email address (at the end on Wednesday she asked me if I had it and said something about checking I via email) and whatever else. She replied and also wrote maybe put down what was happening for you. Not her words at all! Paraphrased.
So A commented and part of what she said was possibly to share what I'd written with her (M) if it felt safe to.
Which - it doesn't. I did think about it. Even as I was writing. Because part of why I sat down to blog is because of M's message about writing down what'd been going on for me. I wondered if I'd share it with her. But. Or and. That's a no. I can't share my words with her.
But I was thinking that no, I can't share my words, that doesn't mean I can't engage at all. And that was one of the questions I had for her. I've a few questions around what happened when we met. Like - what actually happened, why was she calm, why did she ask if I was in the room, what was going on for her, what was she worried about. Etc. I didn't just send them all to her.
Part of why I asked the above question is because I don't actually really know what happened when we met. I know we ended up just sitting there in silence for about half an hour. I don't know why. I don't know how. I don't know if we did or didn't have to.
I know the way she responded - staying calm, realising it was about me and not making it about her (should I even have to write that?), not visibly looking at me - made me feel safe enough that I didn't lock whatever was going on down.
And when I say that - I don't know what was going on.
I do know that when I've needed to (I'm thinking of P here) I've been able to force myself to talk and block off everything. No matter if it's not good for me to.
She just breathed. She let me be.
I know I felt safe enough to let that show.
She won't realise how big of a deal that is. I do.
She doesn't realise how big of a deal most things are. I know I'm going to have to try again to explain it. I wish I didn't have to explain it.
Another reason I can't just send her what I wrote is that - what if we don't work out. What if I'm too much for her. Or what if there are red flags that I can't ignore. It's too soon to know either of those. And I won't cope having shared then. Not that I'll handle it well if we don't work out - because she's seen way too much of me.
Anyways.
Thank you for reading.
I'm kinda frustrated that I sent that email. And it's kinda oh well.
I started writing something coherent for her - for before we meet next to discuss. That if I want to edit I'll probably ask A to look over for me.
I'm grateful that I really haven't been thinking about it much. Been watching the Olympics and reading. Super grateful for how okay I've been this week.
I started writing something coherent for her - for before we meet next to discuss. That if I want to edit I'll probably ask A to look over for me.
I'm grateful that I really haven't been thinking about it much. Been watching the Olympics and reading. Super grateful for how okay I've been this week.
I so know that ruminating on things, a very tiny thing can cause me to stress indefinitely until I sort it!
To be clear did you write the email to your therapist?
Whst could be happening is thar the therapist is setting some boundaries to help you. It might feel like a rejection at first but with time you might find you know where you are with her, whst to expect and begin to feel safer.
To be clear did you write the email to your therapist?
Whst could be happening is thar the therapist is setting some boundaries to help you. It might feel like a rejection at first but with time you might find you know where you are with her, whst to expect and begin to feel safer.
I did send this to her.
I'm wondering what actually happened. We were talking, or not talking, about I think colouring. I think you put down the papers. Then we were just sitting there. I can't figure out what led there or if there was something in between.
No idea if she's seen it or not. I don't really need a reply to the question - I rather hear her thoughts when we meet next. I do need her to respond anything at all at some point.
I'm not ruminating thankfully!!!
I'm wondering what actually happened. We were talking, or not talking, about I think colouring. I think you put down the papers. Then we were just sitting there. I can't figure out what led there or if there was something in between.
No idea if she's seen it or not. I don't really need a reply to the question - I rather hear her thoughts when we meet next. I do need her to respond anything at all at some point.
I'm not ruminating thankfully!!!
So I scrolled up to see what I'd written here. I've written more on my blog.
So she asked me at the end of the session if I had her email address and said I should use it to check in.
I didn't reply to her then.
Later I messaged her and said I didn't have it.
She responded with her email address and said to use it to check in. Could use it for process journaking. Maybe write about what was going on for me when we met (I'm paraphrasing).
I knew I wouldn't email what was really going on. I emailed her that I was thinking of what she said that she can't earn my trust if I give her nothing.
(She replied).
Then I was thinking that she'd asked me to write about what had been going on. And I didn't (don't) actually know. Which is when I wrote the above email. I'd decided against sensing it because it wasn't clear, says too much, and isn't what I wanted to write. I'm not sure why I didn't delete the draft. At about 5 this morning I've no idea what I was thinking and sent it.
Yeah. I'm grateful I'm not obsessing.
I think part of it is that she doesn't matter enough for me to obsess about it. Even though I really think that we actually will work. I hope we do anyways. I'd obsess way more if I emailed A.
Although I think I've actually learned to pause and be.
When something sends me spinning it seems to take up all my headspace. This hasn't sent me spinning. So, I sent an email I regret having clicked send on and have no idea why on earth I did. It's not really the biggest deal.
Have I checked my email account - definitely. I don't even think I've checked it more than I usually do. I've probably checked it less. But that's because I'm consciously choosing not to.
How much have I explained? Hope this makes sense!
So she asked me at the end of the session if I had her email address and said I should use it to check in.
I didn't reply to her then.
Later I messaged her and said I didn't have it.
She responded with her email address and said to use it to check in. Could use it for process journaking. Maybe write about what was going on for me when we met (I'm paraphrasing).
I knew I wouldn't email what was really going on. I emailed her that I was thinking of what she said that she can't earn my trust if I give her nothing.
(She replied).
Then I was thinking that she'd asked me to write about what had been going on. And I didn't (don't) actually know. Which is when I wrote the above email. I'd decided against sensing it because it wasn't clear, says too much, and isn't what I wanted to write. I'm not sure why I didn't delete the draft. At about 5 this morning I've no idea what I was thinking and sent it.
Yeah. I'm grateful I'm not obsessing.
I think part of it is that she doesn't matter enough for me to obsess about it. Even though I really think that we actually will work. I hope we do anyways. I'd obsess way more if I emailed A.
Although I think I've actually learned to pause and be.
When something sends me spinning it seems to take up all my headspace. This hasn't sent me spinning. So, I sent an email I regret having clicked send on and have no idea why on earth I did. It's not really the biggest deal.
Have I checked my email account - definitely. I don't even think I've checked it more than I usually do. I've probably checked it less. But that's because I'm consciously choosing not to.
How much have I explained? Hope this makes sense!
Yes it makes sense
In that case I can understand. She said to email her snd check in. You did that and didn't get a response.
It may be because it's the weekend and you should get her to be more specific on when you can expect a response and what that might look like.
You've done nothing wrong, it's fine and I'm hopeful for a response for you on Monday.
In that case I can understand. She said to email her snd check in. You did that and didn't get a response.
It may be because it's the weekend and you should get her to be more specific on when you can expect a response and what that might look like.
You've done nothing wrong, it's fine and I'm hopeful for a response for you on Monday.