I met a new therapist
- Thread starter Innocent Forever
- Start date
So incredibly anxious.
She replied.
Amd. Asides that she didn't understand the question I'd asked, she just, didn't get it. And just don't know what to do with that.
And it's okay not to know.
I just wish we were able to meet this week before I went - we can't. I can't even if she can cuz I can't travel an entire day after meeting her.
Because if we were able to meet we could - attempt to - talk about what happened last week. And see if I can explain some of it.
She replied.
Amd. Asides that she didn't understand the question I'd asked, she just, didn't get it. And just don't know what to do with that.
And it's okay not to know.
I just wish we were able to meet this week before I went - we can't. I can't even if she can cuz I can't travel an entire day after meeting her.
Because if we were able to meet we could - attempt to - talk about what happened last week. And see if I can explain some of it.
I just want to say.
This thread is never about who is right or not. It's just a space for me to share my experience and to appreciate and love all your support.
You cam support me by hearing and understanding.
I've seen spaces online where people play the blame game and blame the therapist.
And yes. There's stuff she doesn't grasp.
She's human - unfortunately
and however trained she is in trauma she fails to understand just how hard entering a therapy room is, she fails to understand that she's guilty until proven innocent, she fails to understand how derailing it is. She fails to understand how she's pushing against my walls leaving me feel even more unsafe.
She's done enough to show me that she wants to and is probably ready to understand. She's done enough to show me that there is so much she does understand and grasp.
She's human.
All therapists are human.
This space is me sharing as I try to navigate the journey and figure out how to do so.
Thank you for being on this journey with me.
This thread is never about who is right or not. It's just a space for me to share my experience and to appreciate and love all your support.
You cam support me by hearing and understanding.
I've seen spaces online where people play the blame game and blame the therapist.
And yes. There's stuff she doesn't grasp.
She's human - unfortunately
and however trained she is in trauma she fails to understand just how hard entering a therapy room is, she fails to understand that she's guilty until proven innocent, she fails to understand how derailing it is. She fails to understand how she's pushing against my walls leaving me feel even more unsafe.She's done enough to show me that she wants to and is probably ready to understand. She's done enough to show me that there is so much she does understand and grasp.
She's human.
All therapists are human.
This space is me sharing as I try to navigate the journey and figure out how to do so.
Thank you for being on this journey with me.
I'm wishing I actually had a relationship with her and could trust her. If I did/ could I'd send her a link to whst I wrote. It's kinda beautiful. And I can't. Not only because I don't trust her. Also because I'm not going to see her for 3 weeks and it may scare her. I don't know her enough to know if she'll know that it's okay that I'm struggling or if she'd overreact.
I don't think I'm asking anything here although I always value and appreciate your words.
Index
A = online chat therapy I did text based for 2 years until she changed job roles.
P = NHS 'therapist' I saw for 6 months, met her about 15 times, who ended it. Essentially because I didn't talk to her or trust her.
MDK = a counsellor I met a few times after P. He doesn't have much training so we didn't work together.
E = I met a clinical psychologist over zoom we didn't work with each other for a couple reasons. If I use this as a thread not just a post I may explain why.
M = therapist I met once on Thursday which is why I'm writing this post
I met a new therapist on Thursday. Privately. As in not NHS. I saw 2 therapists since the NHS therapist ended it and although both of them showed me how P - who I saw through the NHS - was wrong. I guess seeing a third person who was so very different still brought it up again. And I didn't think I'd be going back to P. I thought this would just be about M - the therapist I mat on Thursday. I guess P impacted me more than I realise. She blamed me that she ended it. As in said it's my fault.
So I met M on Thursday. She had all the right words. She said she doesn't expect trust. She said she's plenty of ways to communicate, it doesn't have to be through speaking. She's actually read - well studied I hope - a lot of current day research. She said too many things - good that I didn't like. Like that she'd want to know why suicide was am option. Like that her goal would be to communicate from the emotions and not pure logic. Like that working on labeling feelings.
There were a couple things that weren't okay that I have to remember to bring up. We spoke over each other a lot. And she didn't hear what I said. I can give 4 examples I can remember where I said something and a couple minutes or more later she said something showing she hadn't heard me. One is that I told her I'd begun reading the book Waking the Tiger by Peter Levine, but didn't read through it because the book contained exercises that I couldn't do on my own. A few minutes later she was telling ne that she liked somatic stuff by Levine and he wrote a book and she began explaining a sentence or two what his research was, and it's sonething about a tiger. I filled in Waking the Tiger. But if she had heard me earlier she wouldn't have said it. A few more examples like that. Where what she said meant she just hadn't actually heard my words.
I want to ask her what I'd have to do to push her away. I need to know for both reasons. To know what to do and what not to do.
I also need to know exactly what she knows about me. I know we only met once. She seemed to see more than I'd want her to.
Thursday is too far away. And this is coming from someone who doesn't want to do therapy. And does. It actually is too far away for me. And this is when I've met her once. But I can't see how we can meet more than once a week when she only works here Wed and Thu.
I do and don't want to do therapy as I said. It's not just about the fear. It's that I don't want things to change. The purpose of therapy, really, is to implement change. Well understand or heal so that things change. And I don't want it to. For so many different reasons. Add in also that I don't want to be seen / known. That I don't want to face myself.
She didn't just 'get' me. That's not a red flag. It's not a necessity. It's a shame. She seemed to get a lot of what I'd be bringing to the room. Not because she got me. Because she understood my presentation - is the best way I can think to word it. Why I'm saying this is because I met MDK after things ended with P. MDK just got me. As in totally and completely. We were speaking the same language in a way I've never seen before. We met a few times before he told me he didn't feel he had the skills. That isn't a bad thing. Just a statement. That is also after he told me he didn't see that he'd learn anything from training more. One day I may try to convince him to train further. So M didn't get me. I know that's something that can be learned. Wrong word. As in one can get to know someone. A knew me. I'd say that A knows me more than most people. She didn't know me when I started working with her.
I told her at least 3 times that I'd probably do my level best to keep her away. I didn't realise I'd been repeating myself until the last time I said it. And I was realising that I'd said it before. I also told her that just showing up was doing my part. By that I mean that 'just' showing up takes absolutely everything. And that I wouldn't intentionally try to get her to end it. I say that now and I'm curious if there's a part of me that would try to if she got too close. Take the curiosity away. I'm nearly certain I would. But I don't think push her away is the right words. More like possibly throw up some walls. I don't know if I would though or not. A dismantled much of those walls. Which isn't a good thing.
Anyways.
Index
A = online chat therapy I did text based for 2 years until she changed job roles.
P = NHS 'therapist' I saw for 6 months, met her about 15 times, who ended it. Essentially because I didn't talk to her or trust her.
MDK = a counsellor I met a few times after P. He doesn't have much training so we didn't work together.
E = I met a clinical psychologist over zoom we didn't work with each other for a couple reasons. If I use this as a thread not just a post I may explain why.
M = therapist I met once on Thursday which is why I'm writing this post
I met a new therapist on Thursday. Privately. As in not NHS. I saw 2 therapists since the NHS therapist ended it and although both of them showed me how P - who I saw through the NHS - was wrong. I guess seeing a third person who was so very different still brought it up again. And I didn't think I'd be going back to P. I thought this would just be about M - the therapist I mat on Thursday. I guess P impacted me more than I realise. She blamed me that she ended it. As in said it's my fault.
So I met M on Thursday. She had all the right words. She said she doesn't expect trust. She said she's plenty of ways to communicate, it doesn't have to be through speaking. She's actually read - well studied I hope - a lot of current day research. She said too many things - good that I didn't like. Like that she'd want to know why suicide was am option. Like that her goal would be to communicate from the emotions and not pure logic. Like that working on labeling feelings.
There were a couple things that weren't okay that I have to remember to bring up. We spoke over each other a lot. And she didn't hear what I said. I can give 4 examples I can remember where I said something and a couple minutes or more later she said something showing she hadn't heard me. One is that I told her I'd begun reading the book Waking the Tiger by Peter Levine, but didn't read through it because the book contained exercises that I couldn't do on my own. A few minutes later she was telling ne that she liked somatic stuff by Levine and he wrote a book and she began explaining a sentence or two what his research was, and it's sonething about a tiger. I filled in Waking the Tiger. But if she had heard me earlier she wouldn't have said it. A few more examples like that. Where what she said meant she just hadn't actually heard my words.
I want to ask her what I'd have to do to push her away. I need to know for both reasons. To know what to do and what not to do.
I also need to know exactly what she knows about me. I know we only met once. She seemed to see more than I'd want her to.
Thursday is too far away. And this is coming from someone who doesn't want to do therapy. And does
. It actually is too far away for me. And this is when I've met her once. But I can't see how we can meet more than once a week when she only works here Wed and Thu.I do and don't want to do therapy as I said. It's not just about the fear. It's that I don't want things to change. The purpose of therapy, really, is to implement change. Well understand or heal so that things change. And I don't want it to. For so many different reasons. Add in also that I don't want to be seen / known. That I don't want to face myself.
She didn't just 'get' me. That's not a red flag. It's not a necessity. It's a shame. She seemed to get a lot of what I'd be bringing to the room. Not because she got me. Because she understood my presentation - is the best way I can think to word it. Why I'm saying this is because I met MDK after things ended with P. MDK just got me. As in totally and completely. We were speaking the same language in a way I've never seen before. We met a few times before he told me he didn't feel he had the skills. That isn't a bad thing. Just a statement. That is also after he told me he didn't see that he'd learn anything from training more
. One day I may try to convince him to train further. So M didn't get me. I know that's something that can be learned. Wrong word. As in one can get to know someone. A knew me. I'd say that A knows me more than most people. She didn't know me when I started working with her.I told her at least 3 times that I'd probably do my level best to keep her away. I didn't realise I'd been repeating myself until the last time I said it. And I was realising that I'd said it before. I also told her that just showing up was doing my part. By that I mean that 'just' showing up takes absolutely everything. And that I wouldn't intentionally try to get her to end it. I say that now and I'm curious if there's a part of me that would try to if she got too close. Take the curiosity away. I'm nearly certain I would. But I don't think push her away is the right words. More like possibly throw up some walls. I don't know if I would though or not. A dismantled much of those walls. Which isn't a good thing.
Anyways.
take care
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