I really want to die

I am feeling so miserable tonight. My RA (rhemuatoid arthritis) is terrible lately- I am in constant physical pain that is driving me out of my mind. I keep taking pills to help but nothing works for very long. Pretty soon I'm going to need a walker everywhere I go and I already need a wheelchair if I go far. A wheelchair someone has to push because my arms are f-cked up too.

I just got in big trouble at work for making a mistake that was an honest one but got the boss in trouble, and I am afraid their will be repercussions. I dont NEED my job really- I get disability- but it brings me a lot of satisfaction and I really dont' want to lose it especially this way.

I have something in the kitchen that I am pretty sure will kill me and I want to go in there and get it.

What's holding me back are two things. My friends, and my books.

I have a lot of books I want to read. Dont' laugh. I know that's a stupid thing to live for ,but I just bought a ton of books I really want to read. Stephen King's new one and some memoirs, and I have more coming in the mail. I have thousands of books crammed into my apartment and so many of them I haven't read yet, and some more coming in the mail. I went to the trouble and expense of buying those books, and it would be a shame if I never read them.

The other thing is my friends. I have a conference in Texas in two weeks, and have been sick. The RA damages my immune system so when I get sick I get very sick. SO my friend, out of the blue, sends me orrageno that she says will help, just buys it off amazon and ships it to me. And my other friend calls me five times when I don't pick up because she is afraid I'm not ok (i had my ringer off by accident) and my other friend was kind tome tonight when we talked on the phone. I just don't want to hurt them.

I really feel miserable and I can't seem to cry. What should I do?

 

Hey Talia, welcome to the forum. I'm sorry that you're suffering I'm sure RA is terrible to have to live with. You mentioned books and said not to laugh, I had to because I'm the same as you where books are concerned. Now I've changed to kindle to save space in the house and I have sooooo many I've purchased and still to read. I do miss the feel of "real" books, but the space saving is worth it. It also sounds like you have great a network of friends, ones that really care about you.....that in itself is invaluable. What should you do? well, I'd say hang in there cause it will get better.
I know it does because I've felt like you, I live with chronic pain from work injuries and also depression and anxiety. This forum and the people here really helped me through some dark times. I believe it can do the same for you, maybe give it a try and you'll see there are lots of us here who understand what you're going through. Hold on my friend and take care of yourself.
Brian

 

Sorry Talia, I just saw that you've been on the forum for a long time.
Brian

 

I dont' post here much and didn't post for years. So really, you are right about me almost being kinda new

 

And thanks for responding. I hope I feel better soon. This night seems to go on forever.

 

Yes, I know what you mean. Especially when you're in pain. I do hope it gets better for you.

 

Hi Talia, sorry about your chronic pain, wish there was something effective for it. Have you ever tried acupuncture? I was skeptical, but it helped me with some minor pain, and even helped with depression, probably due to enjoying having someone take care of me in a way. About your job, you don't know what's going to happen so try not to dwell on it. I don't think you'd lose your job over an honest mistake. If you haven't already done so, just apologize to the necessary parties and talk about how you'll prevent this from happening again.

Is there anything that helps distract you during difficult times? I like to watch sitcoms, movies, listen and sing along to music.

 

I like to read. Maybe I'll do that for a bit. I don't seem to be able to sleep tonight.

I really hope things with the job work out ok. I apologized to my boss over email. He and I are friends, which makes it awkward. I hope he (and the higher ups) will understand.

 

Talia, I am very sorry that you have RA. I have type 1 diabetes, and sometimes I just feel like it's not worth it. But it is. And I love to read also. Find some books that you really enjoy and keep reading. It always helps me take my mind off of things when I feel depressed. Please don't end it. There's always a light at the end of the tunnel.