I am feeling so miserable tonight. My RA (rhemuatoid arthritis) is terrible lately- I am in constant physical pain that is driving me out of my mind. I keep taking pills to help but nothing works for very long. Pretty soon I'm going to need a walker everywhere I go and I already need a wheelchair if I go far. A wheelchair someone has to push because my arms are f-cked up too. I just got in big trouble at work for making a mistake that was an honest one but got the boss in trouble, and I am afraid their will be repercussions. I dont NEED my job really- I get disability- but it brings me a lot of satisfaction and I really dont' want to lose it especially this way. I have something in the kitchen that I am pretty sure will kill me and I want to go in there and get it. What's holding me back are two things. My friends, and my books. I have a lot of books I want to read. Dont' laugh. I know that's a stupid thing to live for ,but I just bought a ton of books I really want to read. Stephen King's new one and some memoirs, and I have more coming in the mail. I have thousands of books crammed into my apartment and so many of them I haven't read yet, and some more coming in the mail. I went to the trouble and expense of buying those books, and it would be a shame if I never read them. The other thing is my friends. I have a conference in Texas in two weeks, and have been sick. The RA damages my immune system so when I get sick I get very sick. SO my friend, out of the blue, sends me orrageno that she says will help, just buys it off amazon and ships it to me. And my other friend calls me five times when I don't pick up because she is afraid I'm not ok (i had my ringer off by accident) and my other friend was kind tome tonight when we talked on the phone. I just don't want to hurt them. I really feel miserable and I can't seem to cry. What should I do?